Bottle up

Anyone who has dealt with depression or anxiety or any other type of mental illness, you hear a lot of things like stay positive or quit being a crybaby. Or there is the you’re just seeking attention. Now I know that I deal with extreme anxiety and occasional depression myself….But my post aren’t always about me. I have a lot of friends who go thru the same things or worse. So I feel like I should give them a voice in a world filled with stigmas.

One thing that anyone can do and most likely does even if they don’t have a mental illness is bottle their emotions. If you’ve ever dealt with emotional abuse, you bottle things up so that you don’t hurt the others feelings.

I, for instance, do this a lot. I have people in my life who do things like cut themselves or threaten to do stuff on a whim. So even though I want to scream at them when they’re being stupid or even just have a calm conversation about what they can do to better themselves etc, I can’t because some words hurt them and send them into some type of spiral.

This has been happening my whole life.

Now there are others who don’t care and say what they want to this said person…and it doesn’t always end pretty. I know that I should probably put my foot down, I really should. But it is hard.

I also fear saying what I really want to say. I am terrified of being yelled at. Like my brother. He has always been like a father figure to me since we grew up without our father really in our lives. He likes to treat me like a kid or say things to me and I am an emotional person. Anything that is said to me really stings. Like it cuts me deeply.

I have these things I want to say in my head.. I really do say them in my head… I’m not crazy. But for the life of me I cannot bring myself to say them to him. I am afraid of being scolded or causing any type of confrontation in our relationship. He’s always been there. Always.

I hide my emotions. I’m not the only one. My husband is an unemotional person. My brother doesn’t seem to be phased by much. The list goes on and on. Although, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. They don’t always come to surface. For others… they can hide them and sort them away into a tiny little box. But sometimes, this box gets too crowded and emotions just pour out.

If you ever have an unemotional person in your life. You might want to be careful how hard you push them to open up… they might not stop. Did you ever see that episode of friends where Rachel was dating Bruce Willis character? He was unemotional until she pushed. Then he wouldn’t stop crying. Every single things made him cry. She ended up breaking up with him. So… I would just be careful how hard you push.

I pretend to be ok. Even when I am not. Especially in public. I know a lot of people who are like this. And I typically ask them. ‘Hey, are you ok?’ because I know that they are probably keeping a brave face around everyone else.

This is not healthy, I know. I never said that it was the right way to go about things. However, for many of us, this is the only way that we know how to process. It sucks. But with the current stigma clouding even the slightest possibility that mental health isn’t some demonic plague cast upon us, it can be hard to change things.



Glasses for your brain

One of the biggest stigmas with mental illness is that people usually get medicated for it. And that is a whole other thing. Medication. I mean there are idiots out there who abuse the medication. Which in turn makes it harder for the people who really need it to get it on time. For instance…if a disable person needs a pain medication. They can only get it every 30 days. And they have to call the doctors office every time to get the prescription filled because there are no refills on it. The doctor has to approve it. Which can be hindering if you forget that you need to call it in and then you’re waiting on it to be filled.

So I understand why a lot of people don’t want to get on medication. I mean not only does society look at you like you’re a druggie but the doctors can cause a lot of it as well. They provide conflicting information between what’s on the bottle and what they verbally tell you and they could put you on the wrong prescription.

One reason in my con list for medication is that I have a weird tolerence. Seriously. Downers like nerve pills can make me hyper. Bouncing off the wall hyper. So when I get medication, it takes a lot of time and tries to find the right medication that will work for my mental health. There was one prescription that made me severely depressed with bad thoughts (years and years ago) and then there was one prescription that if I didn’t take it directly with food… I would get a high feeling followed by a really bad nauseating feeling.

However, there is no shame in getting medication. Ever. When your vision is blurry….you get glasses. When your blood pressure gets out of whack…you get blood pressure medication. When you are a get insulin to manage your sugar levels. Medication for your mental health is just as important and medication for any other health.

So…if you think you may need mental glasses. Please see a doctor. They can help you find what is right for you. And don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t be taking care of your mental and emotional health. Because you should.


Made up illness

I keep finding myself going back to this stigma that surround mental health. Although I only severely deal with chronic anxiety disorder and maybe some bouts of depressions (okay I might be making that sound nicer than it is…) There is still such a black cloud over anyone who has any issues. I mean a black cloud…not grey not white not just a tinge of black. I mean a full on black cloud…run for cover… mother natures fixing to let loose. tornado warning.. Hurricane season…earthquakes are coming…type of black cloud.

I mean haven’t you guys ever heard anyone say anything negative when they find out you have something wrong with you… not that there is anything wrong with you. this is our normal. Just because it’s not theirs doesn’t give them any right to judge who you are or what you are capable of. And who is to say that they’re normal? What is normal? I mean we weren’t all created exactly the same way. We were processed through some silicone mold where we all have the exact same chemistry in our brains.

They are not perfect. No one is.

I do not care how pretty you are or how rich you are. You are not perfect. You do not smell like a bed of roses. There are some type of skeletons in your closet. I completely understand if they don’t want to let them out. Okay. That is their business. But do not come at me with some type of judgemental crap because I let others know that my skeletons are scary. My skeletons are dangerous. And my skeletons haunt me on a daily basis.

Also….don’t tell me that my skeletons are not real. That I can just get over it. It is not possible. Seriously. I cannot just think away the crap I have been through. I cannot just pray away the abuse. The pain. The scars. The journey I have been through just to be able to tell someone about it.

This is why I really hate this stigma. Like HELLO…you are not perfect. Just because you have some type of amazingly built fortress surrounding your emotional being and you can somehow pretend you’re ‘normal’ doesn’t mean you get to tell someone else who is suffering a real battle that you will never see on a daily basis. Hell an hourly basis or even just moment to moment basis that it is a fake disease. That it is not real. That we made this up. That we want attention. If you ever dealt with anxiety…you would know that it is scarier than anything else. It makes you literally afraid of everything. Lumps the good and the bad together and just calls it all bad. It is time we break the stigma. And I will continue to write. I will continue to rant. I will continue to put my journey on here for everyone to see. I will be a safe place for others to vent. I will do everything that I can to break the stigma, because it is time that my generation is the last geneartion to feel like there is something wrong with them for having skeletons. For having demons. For fighting tooth and nail with their mind every single day.


Can’t recover

Again… the stigmas that surround things such as depression and anxiety (just to name a few) are so heavy. Seriously. These are things that we hear from people every single day. Why are you so anxious. Just stay calm. Don’t think about it.

If I could not think for a moment. I would be happy. My brain doesn’t have an off switch and I am not even sure why. Like why can I not think about nothing. Why is my brain always running like it has nothing but coffee for 7 straight days. You think I enjoy thinking about every little thing? Is that car going to slow down? Did I remember to turn the oven off? Lets turn the car around to check. It is difficult to have a brain that is always running.

So now please tell me how I can just stay calm? I have tried meditating. I have tried yoga. I have tried everything I can possibly think of without being medicated to relax, to be calm, to not think as much. And guess what… it doesn’t work.

Like now for instance. I thought we were going to get this thing and we were going to buy a house and everything was going to start looking up…. but theres a catch. We might not be able to get what we wanted exactly. Now I don’t want a home where I have to fix a lot of things….I would end up in the emergency room. I am not handy…at all….and neither is my husband.

So when I get the call today that says hey this house that you love. you won’t be able to get unless you can provide that you have more income than what you’re showing…#%@%!!! That’s what I get for getting my hopes up right. But then there’s that voice in my head that says….see I told you… Too good to be true… Knew it would all fall apart….then I just want to cry and get depressed because well that’s what happens. I will pull myself out of it and still be careful about getting overly excited. Its when I get overly excited that nothing ever goes my way…

You see having anxiety and depression together is hell. You’re scared all the time or second guessing everything and when the slightest thing goes awry…its all nothing. It is hell.

So please stop telling people that they can get over whatever it is that they’re going thru. Truth is…you have no earthly idea what they are dealing with and have absolutely no right to judge them or dictate on how they are living. It is not your illness so leave it alone. Leave them be. Leave your nasty little comments at the door. I mean if you’re going to be a supporter that is perfectly fine. We love having people around us who understand and support us. Encourages us. But when you encourage one day and nit pick the next…you’re not helping…you’re hurting…


Anxiety disorders…unable to stop the emotion

While many of my anxiety attacks stem from things that are real things. Like a car almost hitting the back of my car. A bad confrontation or anything like that.

There are many things that I know are irrational. However, once you’re in an attack…sometimes you just cant shut it down.

I know that I am usually safe but my brain says…no you’re not…you need to freak out and check the door ten times. Or maybe its the fear of failing a class so while you wait for the grade to upload and your computer is freezing…you panic…did I fail? Will I be kicked out of class? If I fail, I’ll be a disappointment to my entire family.

Those 2 minutes that the computer is stalling shouldn’t call for a full blown anxiety mode….but it happens. Unfortunately.

Growing up with anxiety

I’ve had anxiety a loooong time so its kind of hard to imagine myself as ‘normal’. Was I ever normal?

I remember being home alone and freaking our because the wind blew. Or having to go to the bathroom late at night when I was like 6 and running all the way back to my bed because some imaginary creature would get me in the dark.

I’ve been this way for so long…maybe I am a freak?

This is the kind of thing anxiety will do to you….

Anxiety is a pain some never experience

I know I post a lot about anxiety. When you look up guides on how to start a blog…they always tell you to pick a topic you know best. For me…thats anxiety…I’ve been dealing with this demon for years. Pretty much since I was 5 but wasn’t diagnosed til i was 15/16. And I hope that my blog somehow helps someone else cope as well.

What is something I want from people when they hear that I have am anxiety disorder and occasional depression? To not judge.

Too often those with mental illness are judged as being incompetent or dangerous. Someone who cannot be trusted. And its so far from the truth. We are just like anyone else. We just have a pain that you might not see or you’ll never feel.

For one…I never think it is okay to judge someone. Ever. Its not fair to that person. Another thing is how can you judge someone for something you have never experienced for yourself. You can’t and you shouldn’t.

If you know someone who is fighting a mental illness….show compassion. Show them love. Show them support. Because at the end of the day when you’re thinking hey I’ve had a good day…we’re exhausted from fighting an invisible battle that we’re just going to have to fight again tomorrow.

So please…..don’t judge….show love.