Rain and Axiety

Now I can only talk for myself.

And I know I say this over and over

Only for the fact I don’t want anyone to feel like I am trying to talk for anyone other than myself. We are apparently in a world where everyone is very sensitive to what is written or said. Sarcasm and jokes are a thing of the past. Everyone seems to take everything so literal.

But I’m getting off topic.

This post is about something in regards to anxiety. and driving. and how it makes me anxious.

And here’s the thing. I am always anxious when I am driving. Not because I am a bad driver. It’s not me that I am worried about. NO!!! it is the other drivers. The ones who don’t take in to count the conditions of the road or their car. Because too many big vehicles are deciding it is okay to take a sharp curve at a fast speed. Faster than the curve sign suggests. Because they’re obviously in a hurry. Because obviously the place they’re trying to get to won’t be there if they don’t speed. And those are the cars that over calculate or under estimate their car and the curve. Big cars are top heavy if you’re going to fast on a curve…you will tip over.

But I am always anxious because I was in a wreck. On a sunny morning. At a stop light. Because a 20 year old…not even legal to drink…was drunk and high on multiple drugs and off of his seizure medication at 8 in the morning. Seriously! 8 AM. Like how or why would you be that wasted first thing in the morning.

Again I am off topic. This is about the rain. “It can’t rain all the time” But when it does.. I hate. I mean absolutely HATE driving in the rain. It seems like (maybe just in my town) that the crazy’s all flock to the road ways in the rain. And they cannot drive. They wait til the last minute to stop behind you, they are doing running stops. I mean the whole thing makes me completely anxious.

I don’t like going out in the rain. And it has nothing to do with the rain itself. Its the driving. And if I do have to go out…. I refuse to take my kids with me if I can. The roads when wet can be slippery especially in winter. So why would I sanely put my kids in the car with crazy people. The wrecks total triple during rain. So I feel like I would be putting them at a bigger risk by driving them unnecessarily in the rain.

Now that doesn’t mean I don’t take them to school or the doctor in the rain. That’s just crazy. I mean if I want to run to the store because I want to bake a cake… I won’t take them with me. It’s also because….HELLO it is still winter and the rain is cold. We have dealt with enough sickness and a cold rain is just calling for another cold. Nope I will just let them stay home with their daddy while I brave the stupid.

Speaking of which. When it rains….Wal-Mart gets busier… WHY???

Let me know what you think in the comments.

And as always….thank you all for letting me vent

Recovery 

I have learned that recovery means different things to different people. I cannot speak for anyone but myself. So here is what recovery means to me.

Recovery means not freaking out all the time.

Recovery means less panic attacks.

Recover means not overthinking as much.

Now I am not unrealistic. I have been a sufferer of anxiety disorder for over 10 years and I probably need professional help. Although I am constantly striving for recover, I know I will always battle anxiety.

My brother over came anxiety, but he is not me. He doesn’t have vivid dreams like I do. He doesn’t dream at all. I have such strong vivid dreams that I remember every detail for weeks. Sometimes I wake up crying from them. My brother doesn’t think as much as I do. i’m not saying he’s dumb. He is really smart actually. What I am referring to is that he can shut his mind off when he needs to, he doesn’t over think anything. I, however, blow every single thing out or proportion.

Recover means always having the will and strength to fight this battle!

What does recovery mean to you?

Keeps you up

 

I don’t sleep a lot, or very well for that matter. The bags under my eyes are so bad. They’re growing up the side of my nose. I’m starting to look like a panda….or like I have 2 black eyes.

So what better than a post about what keeps you…or me… up at night.

If you suffer from a mental illness, you can probably agree you don’t get enough sleep. It sucks, unfortunately

There are many things that keep me up at night. Sometimes I just can’t get comfortable. I was in a car wreck a few years ago and my back hasn’t been the same since. There are just some days where it just hurts too bad for me to get any type of sleep.

Some nights (most nights) My ind refuses to shut off. I’m constantly thinking and since I have such a bad view of myself… I usually think about what I could have possibly done wrong…or what I could do better. Sometimes I just wish I could get more sleep….better sleep.

When you add kids into the mix… well you stay up even more. Either you’re worried about them or they’re sick….or sometimes they just don’t want to go to sleep….

 

So what keeps you up at night?

Favorite shows

 

 

In a previous post I stated why I watch specific shows over and over. Well for this journal entry…I thought I would list my top three tv shows.

Grey’s Anatomy.

Yes I am a TGIThursday girl. This sow really pulls at your heart strings (RIP McDreamy, Denny, George, Mark and Lexi…probably some I’m missing) This is one of these shows I can watch over and over and still cry…. My family is actually kind of annoyed with how many times I watch it. It is also part of my routine. It comes on at 3 pm most Monday-Friday afternoons on Lifetime. I put it on in the living room signifying that the kids need to go to the playroom and play because I am about to start dinner. It stays on til about 6 some days 8… When it ends at 6 it lets me know that it is time for the baths… I know I could just look at a clock which I do…don’t get me wrong. It’s just nice to have something on in the background that I know.

Gilmore Girls

I completely adore this show….even though I didn’t start watching it until 2015…years after it had gone off the air.. Thank goodness for Netflix. I have this thing where I don’t watch/listen to something because other people are. However, this show was worth it and I do wish I would’ve watched when everyone else was (When this show was running I was busy watching One Tree Hill instead) I love how fast they talk. The speed of their conversations makes some people go HUH? Like my mom. she has said ‘how do you keep up’ and I am just sitting here like…because I talk/think at the speed at which they are conversing. Its like they’re me. 🙂

Scrubs

I’m not even entirely sure why I like this show. It comes on Monday thru Friday at 7 AM and either stays on til 9 or 10 Am. I put it on so that my daughter will take her morning nap.. She doesn’t get too caught up with TV if its not a cartoon. So she just lays down and naps. I haven’t gotten her to nape in her room without her sister…one step at a time. So she naps on the couch and I can keep an eye on her while I do one of my many things I try to get done in that hour.

Scrubs is a good show tho. Its light hearted but does cover some serious issues. It’s been said to be one of the most accurate portrayals of what a real hospital is like. Its funny and well just an overall decent show.

The runner ups for top 3 because well I can never just settle are:

House M.D

Burn Notice

Royal Pains

Psych

One Tree Hill

Once Upon a Time.

 

So what would be on your top 3?

#Lyrics Never Have To Say Goodbye-Papa Roach

‘Cause when you took your last breath
I was high, I was running away
You always call me on the phone
But I never pick up
I never wanted you to know
I was running out of love
You didn’t walk out, you didn’t give up on me

So even if you’re coming out
I’m not giving up on you
We never have to say goodbye
‘Cause I can feel you from the afterlife
And I just wanna say, that every single day
You make me take a deeper look inside
If everything you say it’s true
Then I would never have to call on you
In every single way
You’re ripping every day
So we never have to say
We never have to say goodbye
We never have to say
We never have to say goodbye
I didn’t have the strength that I needed at the end of the day
‘Cause I was popping every pill
The only one that I was fooling was me
You always loved me when I couldn’t even love myself
No, you never turned away when I was begging for help
I should’ve said thanks
For never given up on me
So even if you’re coming out
I’m not giving up on you
We never have to say goodbye
‘Cause I can feel you from the afterlife
And I just wanna say, that every single day
You make me take a deeper look inside
If everything you say it’s true
Then I would never have to call on you
In every single way
You’re ripping every day
So we never have to say
We never have to say goodbye
We never have to say
We never have to say goodbye
I can hear your voice when I walk through the pain
Show me how to live
Show me that I can change
I can feel you catch me when I fall away
We never have to say goodbye
‘Cause I can feel you from the afterlife
And I just wanna say, that every single day
You make me take a deeper look inside
If everything you say it’s true
Then I would never have to call on you
In every single way
You’re ripping every day
So we never have to say
We never have to say goodbye
We never have to say
We never have to say goodbye
We never have to say
We never have to say goodbye
This is a song about not getting to say your ‘peace’ when someone passes away… it is a very strong song for me personally. Considering I have had a few people pass away that I never got to say goodbye. Two of my cousins…..my grandmother. and most recently my father. It is kind of hard knowing that there was so much that you wanted to say to them and you’ll never get the chance to. Its nice that there are songs like these that allow us to express the way we feel.

What scares you 

 

It is good to sometimes just sit back and write things out.  For instance, before I type up a blog post or anything I physically write it out. There is just something about physically putting pen to paper that allows me to plan things out. That way I can read them over before typing and change whatever I need to. Staring at a blank computer screen provides a writers block.

Also, when it comes to things like anxiety or depression, having a journal, or blog, is a great coping mechanism. So today’s topic: What scares you?

Honestly, I am a very scared person. With my anxiety these fears are a thousand times worse. So much so that if I dream about it and it’s scary enough…chances are that I might just wake up crying. I know….pathetic right.

So what scares me…

Spiders. OHMUHGAWD I am terrified of spiders. Especially the big ones. I was bitten by a spider once…a baby… in my bath tub…while I was trying to relax…detoxify… destress..it caused a huge..not so huge. hole in my arm. I thought it was a baby brown recluse…it could have been. I didn’t see the sucker. I have thrown things at them, I have called my husband to kill them. I am that person you see on tv where they freak out. Cannot do spiders at all.

I am terrified of snakes. I don’t care if they’re nonvenomous. Just keep those cold scaly ugly iccky nasty things away from me. Seriously. I have nightmares about snakes. I would die if I seen one in my yard. Which is why I am adamant about keeping the grass mowed and snake repellent out. I am terrified that my kids will get bitten and that I won’t know what type of snake it was. I would die if anything happened to my kids. Which makes me freak out at the fact that my sister and brother have found 2 in their yard…and my sister is friendly to snakes.. she owned one once. just ewww. I was in PetSmart yesterday…my second time being in there. Totally forgot that my nephew said they have snakes….passed by the snake cage…jumped 10 ft. luckily it was only me and the staff in there.

I am afraid of losing my mom.  I know..it’s a part of life. It will eventually happen. But I just cannot picture my life without my mom. Honestly. It’s always been me and her. She’s always been there. Even when both my brothers left…well moved out. It was me and her..She’s my best friend. Sad right? Not really. I spoil my mom because she spoiled me the best she could. I see her almost everyday and I text her every single day all day long. I’ll be 30 in a few years and I still don’t think I will ever be ready to lose my mom. I have spent many anxious nights crying my eyes out because of this fear. I might actually cry because of this post. ;(

I am scared of car wrecks. I was in one a couple years ago…..it was pretty bad. I was stopped at a light and an idiot hit me and a few other cars going about 45 mph. I found out he had a bunch of drugs in his system at the time. There is something about being rear ended that makes you fearful of stopping at stop lights or stop signs. I am constantly watching my rear view mirror when I am stopped praying that the person coming up behind me will slow down in time. I am also very judgmental about my husbands driving because he doesn’t allow as much stopping distance as I do. So every time I ride with him and he has to stop behind someone…I have a panic attack..every time

I a scared of heights. Always have been. There is just something about being somewhere up high that I fear that there will be some random gust of wind that will make me fall over the edge to my death. Cannot do heights. It doesn’t help that I am clumsy. I used to fall a lot. Like going up stairs, going down stairs, playing, running.

I am afraid of being alone at night. This might stem from being a kid. My oldest brother was supposed to watch me but would leave me home alone…by myself and would come home before mom as supposed to get off. That way he didn’t get in trouble. Then there would be times that he would run around the house in the pitch dark banging on the exterior walls and windows. He’s always had a thing with horror…and I always been afraid…

As a parent…I am scared that something my happen to my girls. I know that my anxiety makes the normal parent worries so much worse. But I would seriously die if anything happened to them. I worry all the time. Am I being a good enough parent? I keep them close in the stores because you hear all those stories about kids being kidnapped. It is awful. We go to a festival every year. And well this year…my youngest is at that stage where she doesn’t want to ride in the stroller the whole time soooo… I bought a monkey on the back. I know so many people judge parents who put their kids on a leash. but come one. She wants to have some freedom but she isn’t at that point where she wants to walk right by my side…she wants to run around. So with the leash…its a backpack with a strap. and its cute. She gets to have her freedom and I get to keep her close by. Since there is usually 6 adults to 4 kids at the festival. I don’t have to make my oldest hold my hand. She is usually with her cousin…ie her best friend. and they’re either in the wagon or walking right in front of us. I do make her hold on the stroller or wagon during the areas that have the biggest crowds.

So… what scares you?

Mindful and mindless

Having a mental illness like anxiety can be tiresome. If you’re anything like me, your mind is on overdrive 24/7. Which can lead to some sleepless nights, my bags under my eyes are starting to get their own bags and extend up the side of my nose creeping towards to the top of my eyes. It’s sad really. I honestly need some sleep. Maybe just one day, all day. I once slept 13 hours. I was 15. My mom was really worried. But I was just tired.

So, for your health’s sake, it is important that you find mindful and mindless activities. This means to do things that lessen your anxiety.

I can’t remember where I read that coloring is a great activity to reduce anxiety and stress, but it does. I mean if you can focus on it long enough. Or if you’re like me, you try to color but have 2 kids who love to be glued to you. So much so that you have to wait til nap time or any other time they’re otherwise distracted to do anything on the computer.

There are a number of things that you could do before an attack that could prevent one. Grounding exercise, meditation, anything. I read once that laying on your back with your feet up on the wall is great for many things. You can do leg exercises without squats, relieve stress, relieve migraines and I found it to be great at calming the body down. It looks weird but if it works it works. You should give it a try and let me know what you think.

Another great anti anxiety activity idea came from the show Grey’s Anatomy. Have you seen it? Well Christina and Meredith do this thing called dance it out. It allows you to just let loose, dance however you want and just burn off that additional energy/adrenaline that anxiety attacks always bring our bodies. Also, music has always been thought of as a therapeutic technique. (or at least it has in my book)

#Lyrics Gravity-John Mayer

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh, I’ll never known what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Whoa, gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh, twice as much ain’t twice as good
And can’t sustain like one half could
It’s wanting more that’s gonna send me to my knees 

Oh twice as much ain’t twice as good
And can’t sustain like one half could
It’s wanting more that’s gonna send me to my knees

Whoa, gravity, stay the hell away from me
Whoa, gravity has taken better men than me
Now how can that be?
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where the light is
Come on keep me where, keep me where the light is.

 

One thing that I love about music. Is it is usually up to the listener to interpret what they are hearing. There are many ideas about what this song is about. There are many different situations that this song fits to.

But for me….This is like my mood. I have said that my lows are pretty damn low and my highs are very bubbly. So this song is like I am having my good day. I am up high. I am enjoying life. My anxiety is at bay. Its a good damn day. But gravity (anxiety) is trying to bring me back down. And I don’t want to go. I want to stay where the light is.

#Lyrics Skyscraper-Demi Lovato

Skies are crying
I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence
Has an ending
Like we never had a chance

Do you have to
Make me feel like
There is nothing left of me

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you
Feel better
To watch me while I bleed

All my windows
Still are broken
But I’m standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

Go run run run
I’m gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear ya yaa
Go run run run
Ya it’s a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper)
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

 

This is such a powerful song from Demi Lovato. I think this was the first like real song that I had heard from her that wasn’t Disney related and I absolutely loved it. I was in High School and as many of you know, that is an awkward time altogether.

Demi wrote two versions of this song (three if you count the spanish version) The first one was right before going into rehab and the second was when she left rehab. She liked the way the first one sounded better and that is the one we get to hear and I love it.

It is such a strong hopeful song. It says to me, no matter what you throw at me…I will keep trying to build myself up again. Like no matter how much my anxiety tries to make things harder for me, I will keep rising from the ground. I love this song and I love Demi even more for her journey. Her strength, her wisdom and just her.

#Lyrics Demons-Imagine Dragons

 

 

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

When the curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don’t want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don’t want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it’s what you make
I say it’s up to fate
It’s woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can’t escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

It has been noted that this song tells the story of how the singer knows how dark he is and how he wants his loved ones to not get to close. He is afraid that they’ll get hurt if they come too close.

There has been way to many times where I felt like I had demons in my head. That nagging little voice that tells me I’m always in danger. That every little situation is going to turn out bad. Those are my demons.

 

What do you feel when you hear this song? Is there a song that you feel sums up all of your anxiety? Leave me a comment below