Lying

I know I talk a lot about the stigma of mental illness. How just because you cannot see it doesn’t mean it isn’t really there. That is all true. But..

In the steps toward healing…

you need to know….

Your mental illness is lying to you!

That voice that tells you that you are stupid… it’s lying. you are brilliant. Even if you are not a genius in math, you could be an excellent writer. You could have mad technological skills. You could be a master in the kitchen. You are not stupid.

That voice that tells you that you are ugly every time you look in the mirror….its lying. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are special. You are far from ugly.

The voice that tells you that you are worthless….it is lying. You mean so much more to the ones around you than you realize. You are worth more than all the leaves one every tree around the world. You are worth more than every coin. You are not worthless.

The voice that says you are weak…oh boy is that voice lying.. You are so strong for getting up every day and fighting the same demons that tried to weigh you down the night before. You may be tired. But you are not weak.

The voice that keeps you from talking about your mind to friends because it says you are a burden….its lying. Let me tell you something about friends. They’re not there because its an automatic thing. Its not like when you’re playing a video game and you given a certain team. No. Your friends are there because they want to. they care about you and they love you. You are not a burden to them. And if they say you are…they were never really your friend in the first place.

When that voice starts to tell you you’re crazy….well it is lying to you. Mental health is a real thing. There is so much stigma around having a mental illness. And just because you have anxiety, depression, etc does not make you crazy.

Then theres the voice that tries to tell you that you are a freak. Ha. that voice is so lying… you are far from being a freak. Gah, I really hate how the stigma surrounding mental health makes everyone feel like they are some kind of freak because they have it. Well, you’re not.

The voice always tries to tell you that you are alone…that voice is lying. There are millions of us suffering from a mental illness, just like you. We may be hesitant to open up about it at first. But we’re with you. I have seen so many people come together and support one another thru their mental journey… It is a beautiful thing. You are not alone. You are never alone.

Finally, there is the voice that tries to keep you under its control and tells you that you are not worthy of recovery, of healing. Boy oh boy is that voice dead wrong. You are worthy of recovery. Hell, you deserve healing. This is your battle. And you are the champion.

#BreakTheStigma

Bottle up

Anyone who has dealt with depression or anxiety or any other type of mental illness, you hear a lot of things like stay positive or quit being a crybaby. Or there is the you’re just seeking attention. Now I know that I deal with extreme anxiety and occasional depression myself….But my post aren’t always about me. I have a lot of friends who go thru the same things or worse. So I feel like I should give them a voice in a world filled with stigmas.

One thing that anyone can do and most likely does even if they don’t have a mental illness is bottle their emotions. If you’ve ever dealt with emotional abuse, you bottle things up so that you don’t hurt the others feelings.

I, for instance, do this a lot. I have people in my life who do things like cut themselves or threaten to do stuff on a whim. So even though I want to scream at them when they’re being stupid or even just have a calm conversation about what they can do to better themselves etc, I can’t because some words hurt them and send them into some type of spiral.

This has been happening my whole life.

Now there are others who don’t care and say what they want to this said person…and it doesn’t always end pretty. I know that I should probably put my foot down, I really should. But it is hard.

I also fear saying what I really want to say. I am terrified of being yelled at. Like my brother. He has always been like a father figure to me since we grew up without our father really in our lives. He likes to treat me like a kid or say things to me and I am an emotional person. Anything that is said to me really stings. Like it cuts me deeply.

I have these things I want to say in my head.. I really do say them in my head… I’m not crazy. But for the life of me I cannot bring myself to say them to him. I am afraid of being scolded or causing any type of confrontation in our relationship. He’s always been there. Always.

I hide my emotions. I’m not the only one. My husband is an unemotional person. My brother doesn’t seem to be phased by much. The list goes on and on. Although, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. They don’t always come to surface. For others… they can hide them and sort them away into a tiny little box. But sometimes, this box gets too crowded and emotions just pour out.

If you ever have an unemotional person in your life. You might want to be careful how hard you push them to open up… they might not stop. Did you ever see that episode of friends where Rachel was dating Bruce Willis character? He was unemotional until she pushed. Then he wouldn’t stop crying. Every single things made him cry. She ended up breaking up with him. So… I would just be careful how hard you push.

I pretend to be ok. Even when I am not. Especially in public. I know a lot of people who are like this. And I typically ask them. ‘Hey, are you ok?’ because I know that they are probably keeping a brave face around everyone else.

This is not healthy, I know. I never said that it was the right way to go about things. However, for many of us, this is the only way that we know how to process. It sucks. But with the current stigma clouding even the slightest possibility that mental health isn’t some demonic plague cast upon us, it can be hard to change things.

#BreakTheStigma

Daughter to father

I’m not going to lie. I don’t know how I should feel right now. I just found out that my father passed away. He passed 4 days ago…they found him 2 days ago and we were notified today.

So here goes part 1.

Dear dad,

Or should I even call you that? Should I call you by your name? In my 20 so years of living you were never there. You were more like the sperm donor who just helped bring me into this world.

Did you not care?

I’ve seen you maybe a handful of times that I can remember. The first time since you skipped state was when I was 11. And you wanted to pretend that I was still your baby girl.

Was I ever?

Why did you leave state? Why didn’t you want to stay around? You could have had visitations…you could have seen my dance solo at church or come to my band concerts.

Why did you not care?

When we left state….after you did…we lived near moms family…and her parents died not too long after that..

Why didnt you call? Why didn’t you see if we were ok?

When we moved back home…did you not care? When your dad died why didn’t you come? Why didn’t you see if we were ok? Were you really that mad at mom for leaving your abuse?

Why did you never check on your kids? Did you not love us? Did you not love me? I grew up without you.

I spent my childhood with one parent. Not knowing why. Not knowing until later that it took 2 to create kids. I spent my childhood afraid of being sent to you, if anything happened to mom. I spent my childhood wondering why you never cared.

I spent my life wondering how….how you could abuse us. How you could hurt us. How you could ever lay your hand on a woman. How. What type of man were you to do such things. What happened in your life to make you slap a crying baby. I’ve heard all the stories.

I grew up amazed by my mothers strength. How strong she was to leave you. To fight for custody. To fight against you and your whole family when she had no one here. Her whole family lived across the country. But she did. She stood up to your abuse and she left and she took us with her. So that we could have a life free of abuse (although she tried her hardest…somethings like abuse cant be avoided…unfortunately)

Mom left you and when she won custody…you didn’t try anymore. Why? Were we trash that you could just throw away?

And now you’re gone. Im not sure if youre in heaven or hell. Or maybe just a void. You never tried to make amends for your mistakes…no matter how many chances I gave you. I even came down without mom to see you…and you blew me off 3 times.

You’re gone and I dont know how to feel. I’ll never get any answers. I’ll never know why. You’ll never get to know your kids as grown adults with kids of their own. You’ll never get to see your grandkids.

You’re gone and I have to come get your things. Your gone and I feel numb. Is it ok to cry for someone you never knew? Is it ok to cry? How should I feel?

Signed,

Your daughter

Anxiety is a toddler

When you think about anxiety… you think about mental illness. you think about nervousness. you think about panic attackst… you think about not breathing. What you never think about is the fact that anxiety acts like a toddler.

Seriously, think about it.

I mean if you have ever been around a toddler for any length of time. Think about it.

Toddlers never stop talking and neither does your anxiety. Your brain is constantly running. Pointing out all of the bad things that could happen, that could possibly happen or that will probably happen. Thought after thought after thought and it never ends.

Toddlers are always telling you that you are wrong or telling you no. Dear goodness do toddlers love the word no. So anxiety is always telling you that you are wrong. You think you’re fine…you’re wrong. You think you’re doing good, you’re wrong. You think you’re having a good day…you’re wrong. Or your anxiety is always telling you no. You wanna go out with your friends, No. You wanna try something new, no. You want to go for a run, no.

Toddlers like to wake you up whenever you least expect it. or keep you up til 2 am. which completely sucks when you have a kid in school that you have to get them up and ready and to school by 7:30… it is pretty rough. Well anxiety likes to do the same. It can keep you up til all hours of the night thinking about things that you either did wrong that day or will do wrong tomorrow.

Anxiety sucks.

Seriously

it sucks.

 

You Are Brave

Okay,

So you guys probably know that I have a very serious anxiety disorder. and low self esteem. and I am a pessimist. I also have occasional depression.

But there is one thing I am good at.

And that is being encouraging for others. I am the type of friend that is by your side all the time. I am reassuring, helpful. Hell I would give my last dollar to someone in need…. I actually have. Hence the reason why I think I need to find a job. Seriously guys, if you know a work from home job….send it my way…

So I made this quote image.

Because sometimes we just need to know we’re not alone

And you are brave.

You are amazing

You are strong.

You are beautiful

 

About 70%

 

Have you ever had an anxiety attack? Or a panic attack? You know those moments where it feels like you’re drowning and no amount of gasping will allow air back into your lungs? Yeah. That is a severe attack. well mostly. There are many different ways for an anxious person to have an attack.

If mine leads up to not breathing… Then it is pretty bad. I have passed out from an anxiety attack before. I have walked around because it made me feel a little calmer.

If you ever see me talking to someone new…. I don’t stand still. Talking to the public makes me extremely anxious…To the point that I want to cry. I have actually cried a lot. This is the part where I get really personal with you guys. Yay me…Not.

Getting personal can make me want to curl into a ball in a dark corner and hide till everyone else leaves. I never realized how bad my anxiety was until I was sitting at home crying over the slight possibility of working in fast food.

Now there is nothing wrong with fast food. I have worked in fast food before…Before my anxiety has gotten so bad….This is what happens when you don’t get medication… And insurance is extremely expensive.

So I currently stay at home but I need to make money. I haven’t found any work from home jobs that are non phones… So you guys if you have any ideas let me know. I would love to work at home.. And I feel like I need to bring in money for the next step in our life. So I know someone who is willing to give me a job. But there could be a lot of drama there.. They already said that her jobs sucks and she never sees her kids. I don’t think I could handle not having any time with my kids. They are my world.

But sitting here thinking about going to work at this place literally has me in tears in a full blown anxiety attack. I am petrified. I am still hoping I will get a work from home job.. and praying…

So Why do you feel so tired when you have an anxiety attack?
Well that is because roughly 70% of your body is being used during said attack.

That is my interesting fact of the day. Although I could have gone without knowing about how much of a body is used during an attack because I would rather not know about anxiety at all. But this was the hand that I was dealt.