don’t stop thinking

I love music. I mean I absolutely love music. It is a part of my every day life. I love musical therapy. So when I find a new song that really strikes a chord with me, I’ve been known to put it on repeat….for days….maybe even weeks.

The same thing is true with my anxiety. I replay every single mistake I have ever made. Have they come back to haunt me?

For instance, my brother texted me one day and said ‘are you home’. My first thought is what’s wrong? I tell him yea and ask why. He says ‘I need to talk to you’ and that he had an appointment and would see me in an hour. No other information was disclosed. My mom was here, so she got to witness something that was probably scary.

A little back note. My brother, the middle child, has always kind of been the father figure. He was always there to help me. He taught me a lot and well kind of holds me to a standard of doing things better than he did at my age. This has gone on for as long as I can remember. Its not in a mean way. I know it comes from a very loving place. Although he doesn’t say ‘love’. I understand. I get it. And I love him for wanting me to be the best I can. But sometimes…..I fear that I am a disappointment to him

For that entire hour, I repeatedly texted, with no response. I started getting anxious. What did I do wrong? My mind started racing, going over every little thing that I might have done or said or did he see me somewhere. Was I doing something I shouldn’t have. It got so bad that I was bawling my eyes out. All of this was explained to my brother and he said he will just show up from now on that way I don’t sit for an hour crying.

Merry Christmas Guys. I hope you have a great holiday.

All the time


There are so many days where I feel like I cannot win at anything. Like I am just a huge failure. Honestly. Am I the only one who feels this way? I’m Cranky. I’m moody. I’m opinionated. Seriously. I’m kind of a strict parent, but there are days where I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job. Like will I ever find something I am good at? My thing?

Sometimes I feel like I will never live up to everyone’s expectations.

But, please be aware that I am trying my hardest all the time.

I may have my days. But even in my darkest hour, I am still trying my hardest. Every single day I try to be my best self. Every single day, I try to get a handle on my disorder.

So please, don’t say I am not trying. No one will ever know just how hard I try.


Anxiety sucks!

Merry Christmas Eve everyone. Hope you have a great night

All inside


People like to judge. They say they don’t. But you and I both know that they do. I mean can you honestly say you’ve never judge someone or something? I know I am guilty. I am not exactly proud of it either. Actually, I’m not proud of it at all. I say I only judge a person on how they treat others. And when I am joking I say I judge a person based on their music preference.

I mean that in the sense that if all you listen to is songs about degrading women, I’m obviously gonna think that you don’t have a fond opinion of women.

But I actively try not to be a judging person. It is a daily goal. Which isn’t too hard because I don’t get out much.

However, have you ever had a panic attack in public? See all those people starring at you? Judging you? Its an awful feeling. Now imagine your closest friends and family doing the same thing. Sitting there, while you can’t get a decent breath, judging you. This is one of the reasons why I keep it all inside.

Another reason is generally just people. When I think I have someone that I can vent to, someone who understands, they seem to just shut me down. They shut me out and make every single thing about themselves. It is quite annoying actually. Like I have a drama. I have problems. This is giving me anxiety. Help. And all they want to do is lay their problems on me. Like I really need any more problems to worry about. This is a major reason why I keep it all inside.

Not a decision


I hate when people honestly believes that my anxiety is something that I chose. That I somehow make my heart race. That I make my breath shallow. That I choose to have these awful thoughts in my head. That I choose to be a pessimist. Trust me, I never would choose this.

When I was in the 10th grade, the high school called my mom and advised her it would be in my best interest if I went to the ER. I was have a major panic attack. I was light headed, I almost passed out. I was crying. I couldn’t breath. I was weak.

On a personal note, this particular visit was very embarrassing for me because my mom called my older brother. And I was hooked to the EKG with no bra only that really thin gown they give you. That isn’t something I feel comfortable being like in front of my older brother. He always taught me to be fully covered. Since we live in a world where men who rape women say they have it coming because of what they wore. My brother ensured that I could handle myself…and that I  understood that covering up can be just as cute as wearing nothing at all. You really can find adorable clothes that make you look hot as hell without showing you ass or boobs. Do I think women should base their clothes on mens decisions to be dicks? Hell no. I believe in women being able to wear whatever they want just like men do. I just so happen to like wearing clothes that don’t show all of my ‘goodies’ I mean I can wear a low cut top if I want to. But it isn’t something that I want to wear every single day. Im getting side tracked. I apologize.

At this ER visit, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. See that word there. DIAGNOSED. I didn’t choose this life. I sure as hell didn’t bribe the doctor into writing it This has never been a decision of mine. I don’t think that there is anyone who would actively choose to have any mental illness.

What a smile hides


In life, there are people who actively choose to not understand mental health at all. This is where the stigma lies, in my opinion. It’s like they just want to see that everyone is normal. And if you’re not normal, then you are just plain crazy.

So how do we tell anyone what is wrong? What our demons are like? It is hard for me to tell people when I am feeling anxious. They all look at me like I am crazy. Like why would I be so nervous or anxious? That I shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of. It is times like these, where you know people are intentionally judging you. Because they won’t understand. Because they think you are crazy. Because you just want attention. Because you are faking it.

Because of this….I mostly pretend.

It is quite amazing what a smile can hide. A smile can hide your pain. A smile can hide your anxiety. A smile can hide your demons. When you add make up to the mix, you can even hide your tears.

This stigma filled world has everyone looking through rose colored glasses. They don’t want to really look past my smile. They actively ignore any signs. They actively want to believe that my smile means I am normal. I am normal. But my normal isn’t their normal. And I am perfectly fine with that. I wouldn’t want to be so naive to not see the mental health in the world. I wouldn’t want to be so naive to think that everyone who has a problem is crazy. What is Normal anyway?

Forward is Forward

One thing that drives me insane personally is when I feel like I am not recovering or progressing fast enough. And the problem with that is I feel like the more I stress about not going anywhere fast enough, the farther behind I fall.

(And I know I have posted about your recovery and your speed many times before. but I do feel like it is something worth mentioning over and over. Because we need that reminder. I need that reminder)

There is a song by Bone Thugs N Harmony ft Akon (i believer) called I tried. I remember being in 9th grade and being obsessed with this song. It says, ’10 steps forward and 5 steps back’ This single line….sums up my thoughts on my anxiety journey. Just when I think I am getting somewhere… I fall further back.

I hope I am not the only one who has felt that way. Or the only one who experiences that. If I am….that kind of stresses me out more. But if I’m not, hey guys 🙂

One thing that I am actively trying to understand and practice is…your speed doesn’t matter. How fast it takes you to get a hold on your illness isn’t relevant. Even though I wish here was a fast forward button on recovery, there isn’t. Forward is forward. Anxiety isn’t something you out grow. Its not something that goes away. It is a life long journey learning how to control it.

The more you (or me) stress over how fast we are moving forward, the farther behind we go. Your speed doesnt matter. Forward is forward. However, it is ok if you fall back a few steps. As long as you get right back up, dust yourself off and try again. This is a journey. It is your journey. It is my journey. And I am glad you all are here with me

How to relieve a panic attack


This is said to cause an autonomic nervous system shift from a sympathetic (fight or flight reaction) to a parasympathetic response.

When searching for remedies for panic attacks, I always seem to come across the remedy above. Which is something that is similar to what an old band director told me to do.

Except she told me to breath in for 2, hold for 2, out for 2, wait 2. I was in band so of course all of this was to a rhythm.  It worked for a while. Really it did. But then it just stopped. One day it no longer calmed my attacks.

So I started looking for more remedies.

And I came across so little. One that I found was a ‘grounding’ exercise where you looked around you at things that you could see, touch, taste and hear. In hopes that if you find these sensory things you can pull yourself out of an attack. Then, of course, there is the brown paper bag.

If you know of any remedies. Please share. I would love to hear what helps you.

If you have pulled yourself out of an attack, you are extremely strong. Keep fighting. Together we can #BreakTheStigma