What scares you 

 

It is good to sometimes just sit back and write things out.  For instance, before I type up a blog post or anything I physically write it out. There is just something about physically putting pen to paper that allows me to plan things out. That way I can read them over before typing and change whatever I need to. Staring at a blank computer screen provides a writers block.

Also, when it comes to things like anxiety or depression, having a journal, or blog, is a great coping mechanism. So today’s topic: What scares you?

Honestly, I am a very scared person. With my anxiety these fears are a thousand times worse. So much so that if I dream about it and it’s scary enough…chances are that I might just wake up crying. I know….pathetic right.

So what scares me…

Spiders. OHMUHGAWD I am terrified of spiders. Especially the big ones. I was bitten by a spider once…a baby… in my bath tub…while I was trying to relax…detoxify… destress..it caused a huge..not so huge. hole in my arm. I thought it was a baby brown recluse…it could have been. I didn’t see the sucker. I have thrown things at them, I have called my husband to kill them. I am that person you see on tv where they freak out. Cannot do spiders at all.

I am terrified of snakes. I don’t care if they’re nonvenomous. Just keep those cold scaly ugly iccky nasty things away from me. Seriously. I have nightmares about snakes. I would die if I seen one in my yard. Which is why I am adamant about keeping the grass mowed and snake repellent out. I am terrified that my kids will get bitten and that I won’t know what type of snake it was. I would die if anything happened to my kids. Which makes me freak out at the fact that my sister and brother have found 2 in their yard…and my sister is friendly to snakes.. she owned one once. just ewww. I was in PetSmart yesterday…my second time being in there. Totally forgot that my nephew said they have snakes….passed by the snake cage…jumped 10 ft. luckily it was only me and the staff in there.

I am afraid of losing my mom.  I know..it’s a part of life. It will eventually happen. But I just cannot picture my life without my mom. Honestly. It’s always been me and her. She’s always been there. Even when both my brothers left…well moved out. It was me and her..She’s my best friend. Sad right? Not really. I spoil my mom because she spoiled me the best she could. I see her almost everyday and I text her every single day all day long. I’ll be 30 in a few years and I still don’t think I will ever be ready to lose my mom. I have spent many anxious nights crying my eyes out because of this fear. I might actually cry because of this post. ;(

I am scared of car wrecks. I was in one a couple years ago…..it was pretty bad. I was stopped at a light and an idiot hit me and a few other cars going about 45 mph. I found out he had a bunch of drugs in his system at the time. There is something about being rear ended that makes you fearful of stopping at stop lights or stop signs. I am constantly watching my rear view mirror when I am stopped praying that the person coming up behind me will slow down in time. I am also very judgmental about my husbands driving because he doesn’t allow as much stopping distance as I do. So every time I ride with him and he has to stop behind someone…I have a panic attack..every time

I a scared of heights. Always have been. There is just something about being somewhere up high that I fear that there will be some random gust of wind that will make me fall over the edge to my death. Cannot do heights. It doesn’t help that I am clumsy. I used to fall a lot. Like going up stairs, going down stairs, playing, running.

I am afraid of being alone at night. This might stem from being a kid. My oldest brother was supposed to watch me but would leave me home alone…by myself and would come home before mom as supposed to get off. That way he didn’t get in trouble. Then there would be times that he would run around the house in the pitch dark banging on the exterior walls and windows. He’s always had a thing with horror…and I always been afraid…

As a parent…I am scared that something my happen to my girls. I know that my anxiety makes the normal parent worries so much worse. But I would seriously die if anything happened to them. I worry all the time. Am I being a good enough parent? I keep them close in the stores because you hear all those stories about kids being kidnapped. It is awful. We go to a festival every year. And well this year…my youngest is at that stage where she doesn’t want to ride in the stroller the whole time soooo… I bought a monkey on the back. I know so many people judge parents who put their kids on a leash. but come one. She wants to have some freedom but she isn’t at that point where she wants to walk right by my side…she wants to run around. So with the leash…its a backpack with a strap. and its cute. She gets to have her freedom and I get to keep her close by. Since there is usually 6 adults to 4 kids at the festival. I don’t have to make my oldest hold my hand. She is usually with her cousin…ie her best friend. and they’re either in the wagon or walking right in front of us. I do make her hold on the stroller or wagon during the areas that have the biggest crowds.

So… what scares you?

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Always

 

When you have a mental illness, you kind of have this unbelievably low self esteem. It really sucks how you see yourself. I’m not as bad on myself as some people I know.

One thing that I am thankful for is my husband. No matter how hard I am on myself, his love never changes. He is the type of person who will say “I will love you no matter how much you hate yourself”  If I remember correctly, and my memory is pretty great hence the constant worrying over what I’ve said or done, he once said that he will not stop fighting until he changes the way I see myself. Sweet right? you would think I would go gaga over that but the pessimist in me says ‘fat chance’ But he hasn’t stopped yet.

And I think him and our kids really keep me grounded when it comes to the anxiety issue. I am pretty sure that it could be a lot worse.

It doesn’t have to be a significant other. I have been very verbal about how I believe it is important to have a person that listens, helps and never judges. That said person can be anyone from your mother, you significant other, or a friend. I’m sure if you took a step back you would find someone that will always love you, no matter how hard you are on yourself.

Mindful and mindless

Having a mental illness like anxiety can be tiresome. If you’re anything like me, your mind is on overdrive 24/7. Which can lead to some sleepless nights, my bags under my eyes are starting to get their own bags and extend up the side of my nose creeping towards to the top of my eyes. It’s sad really. I honestly need some sleep. Maybe just one day, all day. I once slept 13 hours. I was 15. My mom was really worried. But I was just tired.

So, for your health’s sake, it is important that you find mindful and mindless activities. This means to do things that lessen your anxiety.

I can’t remember where I read that coloring is a great activity to reduce anxiety and stress, but it does. I mean if you can focus on it long enough. Or if you’re like me, you try to color but have 2 kids who love to be glued to you. So much so that you have to wait til nap time or any other time they’re otherwise distracted to do anything on the computer.

There are a number of things that you could do before an attack that could prevent one. Grounding exercise, meditation, anything. I read once that laying on your back with your feet up on the wall is great for many things. You can do leg exercises without squats, relieve stress, relieve migraines and I found it to be great at calming the body down. It looks weird but if it works it works. You should give it a try and let me know what you think.

Another great anti anxiety activity idea came from the show Grey’s Anatomy. Have you seen it? Well Christina and Meredith do this thing called dance it out. It allows you to just let loose, dance however you want and just burn off that additional energy/adrenaline that anxiety attacks always bring our bodies. Also, music has always been thought of as a therapeutic technique. (or at least it has in my book)

Don’t want to remember

‘I don’t know about you or how your anxiety affects you. But mine? Yeah mine is quite awful. Sometimes, for no reason, I remember things I really don’t want to.

There is one specific event from when I was around 5 that I have spent many many years trying to forget. But then there are times where I will get ‘flashbacks’ and my day is ruined.

It doesn’t even have to be something that severe. I can have ‘flashbacks’ from things I have said. Which is what happens the most. I can be sitting on the couch watching tv or working on some school work and remember something stupid I said 2 weeks ago and then my night is ruined because I cannot think about anything but what I did.

What is sad is that I think I spend the most time trying to make sure that I don’t do anything stupid. Which if you’ve ever been that way you know that it makes you look like a fool as well. Like walking on eggshells trying to not break them.

Don’t suffer in silence 

There’s so much stigma around mental illness, it’s ridiculous honestly. I’m not even sure why 20% of Americans should feel like a burden because of a chemical imbalance in their brains, seriously. When you look at all the stigma (its everywhere, especially social media) It is no wonder why thousands upon thousands of Americans (and all over) suffer in silence.

We really shouldn’t have to though. Unfortunately, until the stigma ends, many will.

However, I think it is very important that anyone who has a mental illness has at least one person that they can talk to without any judgement.

I have 2 (3 if you count my husband wanting to help) Well my 2 is more like 1 1/2 because one is super busy.

My other 1 has a mental illness too. I’m her person and she’s mine. She told me once that just being able to hang out and talk lightened her mood. So you see having that kind of friendship is extremely important.

No one should ever suffer in silence. So if you need a person to talk to.. I’ll listen just drop a comment.

Worst case scenario 

I cannot speak for everyone, or anyone but myself really. But my anxiety has me constantly seeing/believing the worst case scenarios constantly.

At a stop light, if a car is approaching I think they’re not going to stop and rear end me. I’m 20 something years old and I still don’t like the dark. I always fear that someone is lurking in the dark (this stems back to my childhood and my brother thinking it would be funny to always scare me in the dark). Going to a big store at night alone is especially difficult because you hear all those stories about people getting robbed or attacked.

Growing up, I never really had an active imagination. But ever since anxiety reared its ugly head, my imagination has gotten quite vivid.

One thing I have learned is that when my anxiety takes my fears and magnify’s them by like a million. I need to rationalize. Step back, take a moment and assess what is really happening and what i’m blowing out of proportion. Am I really in any real danger?

I’m not perfect, so sometimes I forget to step back. This allows my anxiety to run rampant.

Do you forget to take a step back? Do you feel like you’re always being a pessimist? Leave me a comment and tell me how you rationalize your anxiety.

Routine is important 

For me, having the bases of a routine is very important. Now I’m not one of those people who has every minute of every day planned out. And a lot of my day is very flexible. I’m not unreasonable.

Most mornings I’m up before 6 am. My kids usually gets up by 6:30am and we’re in the car to pick up my nephews by 7:15, at the school by 7:30 home by 8 (some days me and the toddler go get breakfast.) Then I am back at the school in line by 1pm and I sit for an hour and a half waiting for the kids to get out. My kids have baths before 7pm and the oldest should by in bed by 9pm.

As you see, there’s a large amount of time that’s not scheduled and thats okay because I know life happens.

But when I plan things or I am late, that;s when my anxiety peaks. I feel, well honestly, insane. My skin feels like it’s crawling, my heart races and I start organizing stuff near me like crazy. Having some sort of routine really helps. If my morning is off, I feel like I spend my whole day trying to get everything back on track.