Is on time too late

Battling anxiety is no easy task.  In fact, I am anxious everyday.  I am constantly trying to put my life into a schedule. We get up at a certain time, leave the house at a certain time, pick my daughter up from school on a specific time. We eat dinner by a specific time, baths are done by a specific time. So what happens when something goes wrong and my little schedule is thrown off? Anxiety. That’s what.

I have been one of those people who believe that being on time is the same as being late. I arrive to pick my daughter up from school early, I am usually one of the first four people there.  Yes, I sit outside of the school for over an hour. Yes I know that sounds silly. But what if they needed to evacuate early? I would be there to sign her out and head on home. Also, it allows me to complete some of my school work in peace. I have a one year old who is attracted to my laptop. She will wake up from a dead sleep just to touch it if I have it open.  Luckily a kid learning tablet is currently distracting her.  Before I started being a stay at home mom I would always arrive 20 to 30 minutes early to work.  Not that I would start work that early to try to get more hours. Instead I would sit there and know that traffic wouldn’t cause me to be late.

What does being late have to do with anxiety? Well, having anxiety makes a lot of things difficult for me.  If I am late I feel that I would get fired. Or yelled at.  I arrive to school early so that my daughter will not feel like she’s being forgotten. I arrive to school early so we can make it home before the buses start down our road stopping every 20 feet. I tend to feel that people don’t like me. Or that maybe they’re talking behind my back about me.  It is a constant burden. And for that, I rarely have friends. Not any that don’t understand the difficulties of anxiety.

Now some times when I am anxious I can calm it down by moving. Walking back and forth, pacing. Or maybe organizing something. My one year old thinks it funny to take our movies off the shelves and reorganize them in un-alphabetical order. That drives me insane. Organizing things is a way to calm my anxious mind and my racing heart.

What do you do to calm your fears? Do you have any special quirks that help you in your battle with anxiety?  Remember, you are not alone. I would love to hear what helps you. late_stress

Chester Bennington

 

As many of you know, we lost a legend on July 20, 2017.  This day will forever be a dark cloud for an entire generation. It was on this day that Chester Bennington died by suicide. There are many words to describe this amazing person. Too many words than I could put in one simple post.

I first began listening to Linkin Park when their first album came out. Now for this generation growing up now wouldn’t understand what it was like to wait for TRL to show your favorite videos.  As a child I listened to anything and everything my brothers did.  This meant Linkin Park, Green Day, Nirvana, Simple Plan, Slipknot and many more. Actually, a lot of what my brothers listened to is what I still listen to today.  I remember being in elementary school when I heard this most amazing scream coming from my brothers room.  From that instance I was hooked.

Many years later, I saw Chester when he was with Stone Temple Pilots and that day would have been one of the best in the world.  Except I was pregnant and nauseous. Then fate would be on my side, Linkin Park was coming to my state and I was going to get to see him and this time I wasn’t going to be sick. Or at least I thought fate was on my side. I know that sounds a little selfish.  I shouldn’t be selfish. It’s not about me. But it is okay for me to feel the way that I do. And if anyone tells you that its not okay for you to be upset then they need to go on somewhere.

What I think a lot of us are asking is if Chester cannot win his battle, then how can we?  It is the Linkin Park family, the soldiers, that have come together to help each other battle these mental illnesses.  It is even Chester’s own wife who is taking a stand and taking the stigma out of mental illness.

When the world lost Kurt Cobain to suicide, the world saw a mass of copy cat suicides.  When we lost Chester, we lost our rock, our inspiration. We lost the voice who spoke for our battles, who spoke to who we hide from the world.  Chester related to us all. When we lost him, we lost our friend.  We may not have known him personally, but he spoke to our souls so well that we all felt like we knew him.  Through Chester, us soldiers knew it was okay to not be like everyone else. We knew that it was okay to be hurting, it was okay to cry, to break. It was okay.  We were going to be okay. His smile was infectious and he brought joy to millions of people. I feared that when we lost him, we would see copy cat deaths by suicide like we did in the early 90’s.  It was this anxious thought that made me jump to twitter and try to reach out to anyone and everyone I could so that they knew they were not alone. If you are reading this…. You are not alone.

I will never turn someone away who is hurting. I will never not listen to someone when they need to talk. Please reach out. I am such a great listener. I will be here for you.  I might not be anything else but listen but please know you can reach out.

Why should we be looked down upon because we are depressed? Why are we turned away as if we’re being over dramatic when we feel anxious? I am anxious, all the time. But I am not different than you. I am still a person. I am still fighting.c44020eed5938145ab9c1e5d7a0a389a

What is Anxiety?

Well here I am starting a blog and putting myself out there. It is a little difficult for me but here I am.

What is anxiety? We hear this word all the time. People say that they’re feeling anxious or that their anxiety is high. But what does this mean  Well, anxiety is pretty much just a general term that is used for several disorders.  These disorders cause nervousness, fear, apprehension and worrying.  Anxiety and the underlying disorders affect how we feel and behave.  They can also manifest real physical symptoms.

Unfortunately, people who suffer from anxiety disorder hear a lot of negative remarks.  For instance, I have heard that it is all in my head. That I can change my thinking and not be so worried anymore.  That I could turn my brain off so I am no longer anxious.  My personal favorite is that I can pray my anxiety away.

I am here to advocate for anyone who feels that they need to hide, that it is okay.  Having anxiety is okay. It does not make you a bad person or an inadequate parent.  In fact, having my girls caused my anxiety to skyrocket.  I was diagnosed with anxiety order over ten years ago.  While I do have a brother who overcame his anxiety, I have not been able to.

I am going to try to post multiple times a week to document my journey of motherhood and my battle with anxiety.  Please feel free to leave comments, questions, share your story or struggles. I want mothers to uplift each other.