Consumes your mind

There is a saying….what consumes your mind, controls your life.

While there are sayings that can have many differentmeanings… I think that this one is pretty straight forward. If you think about something to the point that it consumes your mind, it will control your life.

It can be quite difficult to fight against this. For instance, with my anxiety…. It controls my mind and my life. It is a daily struggle to not allow anxiety or my anxiety to control my day to day life. Some days I win and some days I don’t.

Some days, fighting my anxiety is all that I can think about. I worry that something is going to happen. Something is gonna trigger a panic attack. There are some nights that my anxiety is so bad, I cry myself to sleep way after the husband and kids have gone to bed.
It is awful.

Then there are some days where I don’t think about my anxiety for even a second.

My hope is that one day… I won’t have to fight every day to keep my anxiety from consuming my mind…from consuming my life. If you have ever had a mental illness, then you how much it can consume your thoughts and your mind.

The key for this woud be to work at this every single day. To find the things that distract you from your inner mess.

I am sorry for the short half sighted post…. I am kind of distracted my MIL had a surgery on her wrist today and I was her ride. Therefore, I haven’t had much sleep and my attention span is very slim

Not okay

You do not have to accept things that you are not okay with. And I know that can be a struggle. Especially when you have a mental illness. for instance, I try to HELP everyone. I try to fix everything. I just do. I also try to feed everyone. For instance, my husbands ended up with two turkeys from his job. Of course we used one for Thanksgiving and I was going to give the second one to a friend who was going to do a community Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, some things came up and my friend couldn’t host the party. Therefore, we had an additional turkey.

So I decided that we couldn’t just leave that turkey in the freezer forever… So I decided, the weather is getting colder… Why not feed my husbands training class some turkey chili. It was pretty banging and the class loved it.

I have fed them numerous times. Because cooking helps me calm down when I am feeling anxious. Because cooking is something I have control over. I can control how something is cooked. I can control the chicken. I can control whether its baked, grilled, fried or boiled. I cannot always control my anxiety, although I am working on that.. But I can control what I cook.

Sometimes I feel like I am a push over and that a lot of people know this and use it to their advantage. Like my oldest brother. For instance, he uses manipulation to make me feel bad for him. As a way to guilt me into doing things for him. Enabling him. Only recently have I built up a back bone and learned that I do not have to accept things that I am not okay with. I am not okay with giving my brother money since I know he doesn’t use it for what he says he needs it for. He usually uses it to buy beer. Because he is an alcoholic. He says he is not but that is just denial. He is pretty much an ass when he is drunk and he knows I cannot stand him drinking or doing drugs and have kept him away from my kids when he is under the influence. Hell everytime he calls me or needs me… I go alone. My kids don’t need to be around it.

It is okay to say no. Honestly, as someone with a mental illness. I need to learn to say no more often. It is okay to not accept things that you’re not okay with. IF it makes you feel some type of way… say no. You do not have to do it. You can say no. If it makes you uncomfortable.. you don’t have to do it.

There is no rule saying that you absolutely have to accet thngs that you are not okay with. For instance, I am not okay with my FIL showing favortism to my oldest daughter and completely ignoring my youngest. He has cancelled quite a few times if my oldest wasn’t home. like coming to see the youngest alone was just too hard. But going to the school to eat lunch with the oldest was easy. Taking the oldest out to eat or to the park or to play at his house was easy. But spending any time with the youngest isn’t something that he can do. And I was not okay with that. And I let it be known that I was not okay with that. It has been almost a year since he has seen the kids. It all could have been resolved if he would have said hey I am sorry, I didn’t realize it was an issue. How can I fix it? But nope. That is not how things go. Nope. A grown man has to play the blame game. Has to blame the kids. Has to bash me to anyone and everyone that listens. Then I find out that he left his first wife not just once but twice. And the first time was when my husband was a kid. He left for someone a lot younger than him. Someone so young, that I am not okay with him being alone with my girls ever again. I am not okay with it and I don’t have to accept it.

I understand a lot of people think ‘hey he’s your husband’s father you can’t just shut him out’. Actually I can. Because my husband doesn’t want to be around his dad or his dad’s wife. They had a pretty awful relationship and I butted in and pushed for them to have some type of relationship. But since this has affect our kids…my husband is not accepting it. He’s not okay with it either and has put his foot down. My FIL actually ran into me at the store and put all the blame on my like I am some type of monster that I made his son do this and a lot of other things. I was not okay with it and I put my foot down.

You don’t have to accept things if you are not okay with it. Even if it is family. Just because it is family does not make things that make you uncomfortable okay. It isn’t. You don’t have to settle or be bullied into anything. Stand up for yourself.. You are worth it.

Nothing to be ashamed

When Chester died, I wrote a lot about the stigmatism surrounding mental illness. How it is very scary to openly talk about having a mental illness. That talking about it is like having the plague.

Seriously, I am still scared to openly talk about my illness because so many people have made it a joke. I have seen a lot of people who experience nervousness over something claim that they have an anxiety disorder However, after whatever makes them nervous, they no longer have a mental illness.

It is like having an anxiety disorder is something to joke about. It makes those of us who really have it afraid to come out with what is really going on.

There is also this type of stigmatism that if you have a mental illness you should be ashamed.. that you’re seeking attention or playing the victim.

We live in a world where it is so hard to have a mental disorder. I have anxiety disorder, panic attacks and mild depression. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am living with this and I am living with it my way. Why should I feel ashamed about it??? Seriously? Why should any of us feel ashamed about what is going on iside of our head. When you have a heart issue, your heart is sick. No one makes you feel ashamed of that. The brain is an organ. It can be sick like any other organ in your body.

Don’t be ashamed of it. Own it. You have a mental illness. And that is okay. If you’re on medication… THAT IS OKAY. Seriously. taking medication for your mental illness is brave. Because you had the courage to seek help. To get help. There are so many who have not been able to drum up the courage to ask for help.
When Chester died, many of those who knew him, came to the forefront to speak out for mental illness. To break the stigmatim. I think that the more that we talk about it, the more it will be accepted as normal. That it is nothing to be ashamed about. Because it’s not.

Open up. Tell me your story. Tell me what makes you overthink. Tell me what your anxious about. Because I am here. I will always be here. As a listening friend. As someone who shares your story. Who understands what it is like to have a mental illness. Who knows what it is like to be made ashamed of my illness. To know what it is like. So tell me your story.

Cruel world

It seems like everytime we turn on the news, there is something awful happening somewhere in the world. Things have grown so bad, you don’t want your kids playing outside by themselves. You question everyone you meet. Etc. When I was a little kid, I used to play outside without adult supervision with my friends all the time. I rode my bike down the road to the gas station without a single thought. Now, I cannot even let my 7 year old step outside without me being right by her side. The world has become cruel.

Many parents are trying to toughen up their kids to face this dark cruel world. Trying to toughen up their kids for situations that could happen. How to handle the things that are going on. Playing the defense against the worlds in their teachings. However, it is not our job to toughen up our kids to face the cruel world. It is our job to raise kids who will make the world a little less cruel. We should play offense and teach our kids how to be innovative. How to be the reason the world gets better.

We can show our kids how to make the world less cruel by bringing back manners. There are so many kids these days that I see in stores who will run you down with the shopping cart without a single care in the world. Not even a single ‘excuse me’. Bring back the caring. Teaching them the importance of a helping hand. Teach them the concept of ‘karma’. I understand that people don’t like karma because its not in their ‘religion’ or they call it something else. I call it Karma. Those who need to put it into their christianity box would be ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. Teach them that putting good out into the world brings good back to them. But don’t teach them to do for other in expectations for others to do good for them. That is where we get that entitled feeling. Instead teach them the importance of kindness.

It is our jobs to help our kids grow. We can either toughen them up where they only think about themselves, or we can raise them to change the world one kind act at a time.

Places I want to visit

So sometimes I like to take time to create simple post. Little posts that are that heavy. Light hearted posts. So today, that is what we’re going to do.

Today, we’re going to have a list post. Top 10 places I would love to visit. (Although I highly doubt that I will ever visit them because PLANES. terrified of flying)

10.) Disney world.

Because….well disney world. It is every childs dream to go there. And I honestly don’t think that it is fair that my brothers went to Disney Land before I was born and I never got to.

9.) Hollywood.

I know that it can be overhyped. But everyone in my family has been to California and I haven’t. My mom used to shop on Rodeo drive when she was young. She grew up in Cali. My oldest brother was born in LA County. I would just love to go see what it was like.

8.) Liverpool, England.

I love The Beatles. I mean LOVE. My dad used to look like a young John Lennon when he was young. Big nose and side burns and all. It was crazy. I grew up listening to everything Beatles and Michael Jackson and more. So I when I heard that there is a Beatles museum in Liverpool….. That is one place that I would love to go to.

7.) Ireland

Just to listen to the accents. I mean YAY. Have you heard Finn Balor or Becky Lynch talk?

6.) Scottland.

Again for the accents. Just think Gerard Butler.

5.) Germany

Oktoberfest. I think that would be an extremely fun event to attend. And I would be able to explore a big part of my heritage as we are strongly German.

4.) Corpus Christi

I love the Movie Selena. And I love the singer Selena. It would be amazing to go to the birth place of Selena, walk thru the museum of Selena. There is also a festival every year in her honor. How cool would it be to see that, to be apart of that. OMG and Chris Perez ❤

3.) Orlando, FL

Because the training center for WWE is there. It would be amazing to just tour the training center see how the things work. See how they put shows together etc. I am a nerd for wrestling I know. I mean what can you expect. My husband is training to be a pro wrestler. HES AMAZING

2.) Aberdeen/ Seatle Washington

Because…..well….. Kurt Cobain. Do I have to say anthing more? I mean I am a child of the 90’s. I am a lover of the grunge. I love Cobain’s throat scream in the unplugged version of My Girl. It is amazing and gives me chills.

1.) Idaho.
Because a big portion of my familiy lives there and I haven’t been there in over 20 years. I miss them dearly. If I wasn’t afraid of flying and flying wasn’t so expensive…. I would go back for a visit.

While they’re little

Being a parent is one of life’s greatest joys. I have said a million times that being a mom is one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. My girls are little right now. They’re both under the age of ten.  And when something happens in their day to day life, they make a big deal out of it. Even the tiniest of things like dropping their fork on the floor can bring about the biggest meltdowns. However, you have to listen to these moments and not just brush them off. 

If you don’t listen to the little things when they are little then they won’t tell you the big things when they’re big. There are going to major milestones  in your kids lives. I don’t know about you, but I want to hear about every single thing that happens.  If you dismiss the things that they feel are big to them now, then they will be uncomfortable later on when they really need to talk to someone like their parents.

Personally, I am not comfortable about talking about sex to anyone other than my best friend and my husband. I literately have never had a sex talk with my mom. I believe that she thought I hadn’t had sex until she found out I was pregnant. Its just not a comfortable topic. It took me eleven years for me to tell my mom that I had been sexually abused at the age of five.

I don’t want my kids to feel the way I did. I want them to be able to come talk to me. To create an environment where they are comfortable talking to me about their big milestones all through their life…. I have to listen to them now. Even if means that they are having a meltdown about dropping a fork or breaking a crayon. Sometimes we forget that our kids emotions are important.

While it may seem insignificant to us as adults, it is important to them. They are dealing with big emotions and they will feel ignored and a burden if we brush their feelings off. I understand that we sometimes are so overwhelmed with our daily life…. but as parents, we need to just take a second to listen to what is going on in our kids lives. Sometimes that means listening to how two toys are having an argument.

Think about it. Especially if you have anxiety or any other mental illness. How more comfortable would you be talking about your feelings if your parents were more open and listening to you as a child? I am not blaming my mom for any of my mental illness. She is one of the few who actually believe me and doesn’t say its just in my head. I can just get over it. She actively tries to calm me down on a day to day basis. However, she worked all the time. She was a single parent. And I didn’t want to burden her with my feelings. And my oldest brother used to call me a big baby if I talked about the way I felt, so I just held it in. And holding it in became my comfort zone.

But I do not want my children to have that mindset. I want them to come to me with anything that they are feeling or dealing with. I want them to feel comfortable talking to me about the big things because I want to be apart of that.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to hide things from me. 

To ensure that my kids are comfortable talking to me I need to listen to them now. While they are little. It is so simple. Just LISTEN to your kids. And Don’t brush off their emotions like they’re nothing because to your kids, its not small. Its big to them so it needs to be big to you too. 

What does thisanxiousmom mean

This Anxious Mom:

What does my blog name mean to me????

It is very simple.

It is me.

I am this anxious mom.

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I am a husband to an amazing wrestler in training and I have severe anxiety.

This blog is my outlet.

My way of expressing what gives me anxiety. What parenting with anxiety is like..

It is a place where I can just write what I want. Maybe I want to review something…. Maybe I wanna share a recipe…. Or maybe I wanna tell you what it is like to parent with anxiety.

There is no telling what my next post is going to be about. And I LOVE IT

There will always be something that I will feel something strongly about. That there is something I can write about.

Do I hope that there will be readers? Of course I do. Do I wish I could turn my blog into my full time income like you constantly see people bragging about? YES. Do I LOVE having an outlet to describe the things that cause my anxiety or how to cope with anxiety…parenting with anxiety…parenting in general or anything else??? YESSSS.

So overall…. ThisAnxiousMom means me. It is me.

My Adventures at Wrestlecade Weekend

I have debated writing this for weeks now. Because I don’t want to sound like I am ungrateful or that I didn’t have a good time. I know the people who work with and for the Wrestlecade weekend and I know that they work really hard to ensure that the fans have a great time and that they put on a great show. The entire weekend was amazing. I am not questioning that at all. I loved it. However, I am someone who suffers from severe anxiety and this weekend was no exception….. 

Wrestlecade has been happening for a couple years now. Wrestlecade is a jam packed weekend following Thanksgiving. It is a three day weekend. Holy cow is it always so full of action. It is a wrestling fans dream. 

So…. here is the thing. I don’t do crowds. Or at least very well. I can get kind of claustrophobic in crowds and sometimes I have been known to hide in the restroom trying not to cry. The first day of Wrestlecade was no different. Another thing is I really haven’t done any wrestling events without my husband standing right beside me. He’s my rock and keeps me calm. He some how senses the change in my body language and calms me down greatly. However, my husband wasn’t able to be by my side for Wrestlecade weekend.  You see, my husband is training to be a wrestler and was apart of the Wrestlecade staff that weekend. Which meant that I was a fan, in all the lines, alone….

So the first day of Wrestlecade is on Black Friday. Which is fine with me because that means I am not spending money in overly crowded stores. I actually only use Black Friday to get really cheap DVD’s. The doors opened at 4PM so me being me decided to get there by  3PM because well…. I didn’t know how the traffic was going to be and didn’t want to get stuck. I also wanted to make sure that I got good parking near the facility so that when I left that evening I wouldn’t have far to walk since I was going to be walking to a parking garage alone at night. I have watched way too many crime shows to know that bad things can happen in parking garages at night alone especially if you’re a female.

Well I get there, see my husband before he has to go back to work. I then go stand where the crowd is. I have never been to a Wrestlecade before so I wasn’t sure exactly what I was supposed to be doing. So I just stood there alone in against a wall…. Then this old couple came and stood beside. And they started complaining because the first day was going to be upstairs. Then there was going to a day where events were happening on both upstairs and downstairs and the final day would be upstairs. However, this was not listed on the website which then caused the old people to go on quite a long rant about it. Because it was not plainly listed on the website what rooms or where the events were going to be. Which sounded like something you should be complaining about. I mean as a wrestling fan, wouldn’t you just be excited about seeing A LOT of wrestling.

I figured out what I needed to do and where to get my ticket band etc. Then I got in line with everyone else. And I stood there alone… with a little kids pushing my bag into my back….the back that still bothers me from the wreck. I was alone in the line. Trying so hard not to have a panic attack. Trying so hard to be strong. Trying so hard not to cause a scene or make my husband look bad. This is his world and I don’t want to ruin it for him. At all. He does so much for me. He is such an amazing guy. I really want to make sure that he has everything. That he has all the opportunities in the world. So no one in the line wanted to talk to me…. No matter how hard I tried to talk to anyone. They all kind of gave me like one worded responses and then went back to talking to whoever they were with or back to their phones.  The wait in the line was LONG. And I don’t do very well standing still. It hurts my hips, back and feet. I know…. I sound like I am just falling apart. I pretty much am. For some reason I have Plantar fasciitis and it flares up quite a bit.

So there I was feeling alone and in my head. It isn’t very pretty inside my head sometimes. Especially when you feel alone, and rejected because people standing in line don’t want to talk to you. So the doors are finally opened and we get to go in and find our seats. So I try to find a seat where I can get some good photos because I feel better behind my camera. But my anxiety was at that extreme point that I wasn’t even feeling like I could take any photos. I was at the point of feeling so closed in and claustrophobic that I was crying and trying to stop crying. I didn’t want to look at my husband. I didn’t want him to know that I was in the middle of an attack or that I was crying because I knew he would have left his post to come to my rescue. He is always coming to my rescue. So I tried so hard to pay attention to the action. And it was a good show. It really was awesome. There is something about independent wrestling that is amazing. It isn’t like the WWE. Independent wrestling like that at Wrestlecade has more freedom. They can be over the top. They can have silly stories or they can have more high flying action than that you see on the WWE. It is just more fan focused. Like they are paying more attention to what we want even if it wasn’t according to plan. The wrestlers will literately change their story or whatever if they think the fans are not enjoying it. I love the indy scene. It is pretty awesome.

However, I was having a pretty bad panic attack and was extremely exhausted at that point. So I left early. I went home. And when I got home… After saying hi to the kids and hugging them. I went in the shower and cried. I let out all of the anxiety and panic that I had tried to hide at the show. But my husband knew. He always knows. He worried the rest of the evening about how I was doing. Which then made me feel worst. Because I wanted him to enjoy being apart of the event.

Since I had that complete meltdown…. I literately got like 2 or 3 hours of sleep. But still wanted to get up and go to the second day of the event. I wanted to show my husband support and I did buy a three day ticket and I really don’t like wasting money. I can be very frugal. Extremely frugal at times. I spend more money on others than I do myself and that can be a downfall.  So Saturday was fan fest. Which is really cool. There are a lot of legends that are there. You have the opportunity to meet and greet with all of them. Which is pretty AWESOME. As a wrestling fan…. being able to see all of those legends in the same room at one time is so amazing. A fans dream come true. However, again, I represent my husband. Therefore, I did not lose my cool. I held my composure. And tried not to have a panic attack over being stuck in a small room full of people who happened to bump into me multiple times. I swear I was invisible. Like they could not see me. Therefore just decided to run me over. I then got a message from my mother who was watching our girls for us….. my youngest was not being the best. Therefore, I walked out of the room to do a video call to scold my girl and tell her to behave. After that… I met up with one of our friends who was also kind of sorta working the event but wasn’t assigned to any of the legends so he was free to hang out with me.  That made my anxiety feel a lot better. Having someone to talk, to hang out with. Made me feel a little bit at ease. However, after the fan fest we had to go downstairs for the big wrestling event.  Where I had to stand in a very long line for a very long time…..surrounded by some fans who were not my favorite people to be standing by. Now I love wrestling fans…they are some of the best people. However, it was something about this one set that kind of sat wrong with me. 

The long wait standing non stop hurt. It doesn’t help that I wanted to be fashionable and cute because I represent my husband and I wore shoes that were cute but not comfortable. If your shoes are not comfy and cause you pain…then the rest of your body will be in pain….which it was.   I also noticed that my phone battery was extremely LOW and one of the last messages I had gotten from my mother was that my girls were warm and also had no drinks left…. and then my battery DIED. Not even half way into the event. So….Motherhood comes first and I ditched the show. And missed probably the best matches. I mean Vampiro did a casket match and so many other great matches.  My husband was doing a job where he couldn’t check his phone so once I got to my car and plugged my phone up… I messaged our friend to let him know…. Saturday was one better for me on the sense of mental illness. It is also the busiest day of Wrestlecade. I think the most fans come out for this. So while I didn’t have as big of an attack as Friday, I was still very anxious.

Sunday was mostly wrestling. As in there were two different promotions running. There was Queens of Combat which is an all female promotion which I thought was badass and then there was the event that I was excited about which was the AML Wrestling event. I thankfully managed to get in line around fans who were really open and talkative and really cool. Then I ended up sitting next to one of those fans for the event which really helped me out. It also helped that my husband actually worked my section. So I got to be near him as well. Which was amazing and I loved it. 

I swear I love the independent wrestling scene. Wrestlecade was an amazing event and I think that the people who put it together are fantastic. They work really hard to put on a great show. I would most def recommend it to anyone and everyone. Especially if you’re a wrestling fan. However, it only takes place in North Carolina. But I swear it is worth the travel. It is worth it.  I debated on writing this because I didn’t want to make it sound like the event was bad. Like it wasn’t a good event. Because it was so amazing. I loved it…. This post was more about my anxiety. My crazy, awful anxiety that sometimes scares the crap out of me. I need to let the wrestling people into my world. I need to open up to them because they’re apart of my husbands world and maybe, just maybe if I do…then I won’t feel so anxious.


Now for a post about a personal opinion. So please when you read this, please take it with a grain of salt. My opinion doesn’t mean that it is your opinion. It does not mean that what I am writing about is fact. It is simply just my opinion and things that I think about.

So with that being said.

Please, as a parent…..teach your kids MANNERS!

I have seen way too many kids not understand the basic concept of a single excuse me. Thank you. Please.

I have seen kids throw tantrums in stores and yelling at their parents.

I have seen kids push and shove other kids and adults to get what they want.

I remember growing up if I was rude to someone in the store (without proper reasoning) I was in trouble.

I mean you don’t have to teach your kids to worship the ground that everyone else walks on. But simply teaching them the basic manners so that they’re not a bunch of entitled jerks would be great. I mean if we could all teach our kids manners. That they aren’t entitled to respect without giving respect…. then maybe we can change the world. I know it seems like a long shot. But it is a simple idea.

That is my thought for the day. I would love to see more kids with manners. Showing respect to get respect in return… I understand that the adults need to show the kids respect also. It is a full cirlce. Show respect to get respect.

I can’t answer

Honestly, who has voicemail messages these days? I mean as a teenager I used to put music as my message. Or one of those silly hey…..yeah you got my voicemail. leave a message. However, now its just ‘you have reached…..’ That is it. But it should really say ‘NO I cannot answer, I have kids, just text me like a normal person.’ I honestly don’t call unless its for an important reason, school, doctors or an emergency. Everytime I get a phone call from a number I don’t know… I either don’t answer or answer skeptically. And then I can barely ever hear what the other person is saying because I GOT KIDS. Do you know anyone with exceptionally quiet kids? Mine can be… occasionally. Either they’re playing loudly, telling me stories, asking me questions or fighting with each other. Do you really want to hear that in the background? And is it really safe to walk to a quiet place to have said phone conversation?And leave two kids by themselves especially when they’re fussing over the same toy even though they both have the same exact toy??? Nope!

I text everyone. I even text my oldest teacher. She is amazing. She moved up a grade with my kid. So this is her second year with her. She had her for both first and second grade and she tells the parents at the beginning of the year, if you have free texts, I will text you updates and important information. Since I knew we were going to have the same teacher again, said teacher actually sent me the school list in July so that we could beat out the stupid back to school shopping crowd. Yeah she is that amazing. And if they do something amazing i class like meet the Bojangles Chicken….she’ll send photos to us. She is amazing.

I am getting way off topic here. If you need me…..text. Don’t call. Because I am likely going to send you to voicemail and the voicemail really needs to tell you just to text. Heck, I don’t even call my husband unless I need to. Unless I have texted 20 times with no answer…. this actually happens. He is one of those that never pays attention to his phone. so he doesn’t always know when I have texted. I always text with my brother. We don’t have really deep conversations and it is usually about music. or the kids or something like that. However, if he calls…. I usually jump to the assumption that something has happened. He doesn’t ever call me unless it is too much to text or it is an emergency. HAHA so I usually, probably because of my anxious brain, jump to the conclusion something has happened. He works pretty much 12 hours 6 days a week so he doesn’t really have a lot of time to talk on the phone and he has been working this type of schedue for 13 years. So I have always just texted or IM’d him. We are not a big talker. I don’t really call my mom unless it is too much to text or an emergency. We do, however, text and talk every single day. I do face time her quite a bit because the girls love to face time their granny.

But seriously….. We live in an age where you can TEXT. Unless it is an important an emergency please just TEXT me.