Consumes your mind

There is a saying….what consumes your mind, controls your life.

While there are sayings that can have many differentmeanings… I think that this one is pretty straight forward. If you think about something to the point that it consumes your mind, it will control your life.

It can be quite difficult to fight against this. For instance, with my anxiety…. It controls my mind and my life. It is a daily struggle to not allow anxiety or my anxiety to control my day to day life. Some days I win and some days I don’t.

Some days, fighting my anxiety is all that I can think about. I worry that something is going to happen. Something is gonna trigger a panic attack. There are some nights that my anxiety is so bad, I cry myself to sleep way after the husband and kids have gone to bed.
It is awful.

Then there are some days where I don’t think about my anxiety for even a second.

My hope is that one day… I won’t have to fight every day to keep my anxiety from consuming my mind…from consuming my life. If you have ever had a mental illness, then you how much it can consume your thoughts and your mind.

The key for this woud be to work at this every single day. To find the things that distract you from your inner mess.

I am sorry for the short half sighted post…. I am kind of distracted my MIL had a surgery on her wrist today and I was her ride. Therefore, I haven’t had much sleep and my attention span is very slim

Not okay

You do not have to accept things that you are not okay with. And I know that can be a struggle. Especially when you have a mental illness. for instance, I try to HELP everyone. I try to fix everything. I just do. I also try to feed everyone. For instance, my husbands ended up with two turkeys from his job. Of course we used one for Thanksgiving and I was going to give the second one to a friend who was going to do a community Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, some things came up and my friend couldn’t host the party. Therefore, we had an additional turkey.

So I decided that we couldn’t just leave that turkey in the freezer forever… So I decided, the weather is getting colder… Why not feed my husbands training class some turkey chili. It was pretty banging and the class loved it.

I have fed them numerous times. Because cooking helps me calm down when I am feeling anxious. Because cooking is something I have control over. I can control how something is cooked. I can control the chicken. I can control whether its baked, grilled, fried or boiled. I cannot always control my anxiety, although I am working on that.. But I can control what I cook.

Sometimes I feel like I am a push over and that a lot of people know this and use it to their advantage. Like my oldest brother. For instance, he uses manipulation to make me feel bad for him. As a way to guilt me into doing things for him. Enabling him. Only recently have I built up a back bone and learned that I do not have to accept things that I am not okay with. I am not okay with giving my brother money since I know he doesn’t use it for what he says he needs it for. He usually uses it to buy beer. Because he is an alcoholic. He says he is not but that is just denial. He is pretty much an ass when he is drunk and he knows I cannot stand him drinking or doing drugs and have kept him away from my kids when he is under the influence. Hell everytime he calls me or needs me… I go alone. My kids don’t need to be around it.

It is okay to say no. Honestly, as someone with a mental illness. I need to learn to say no more often. It is okay to not accept things that you’re not okay with. IF it makes you feel some type of way… say no. You do not have to do it. You can say no. If it makes you uncomfortable.. you don’t have to do it.

There is no rule saying that you absolutely have to accet thngs that you are not okay with. For instance, I am not okay with my FIL showing favortism to my oldest daughter and completely ignoring my youngest. He has cancelled quite a few times if my oldest wasn’t home. like coming to see the youngest alone was just too hard. But going to the school to eat lunch with the oldest was easy. Taking the oldest out to eat or to the park or to play at his house was easy. But spending any time with the youngest isn’t something that he can do. And I was not okay with that. And I let it be known that I was not okay with that. It has been almost a year since he has seen the kids. It all could have been resolved if he would have said hey I am sorry, I didn’t realize it was an issue. How can I fix it? But nope. That is not how things go. Nope. A grown man has to play the blame game. Has to blame the kids. Has to bash me to anyone and everyone that listens. Then I find out that he left his first wife not just once but twice. And the first time was when my husband was a kid. He left for someone a lot younger than him. Someone so young, that I am not okay with him being alone with my girls ever again. I am not okay with it and I don’t have to accept it.

I understand a lot of people think ‘hey he’s your husband’s father you can’t just shut him out’. Actually I can. Because my husband doesn’t want to be around his dad or his dad’s wife. They had a pretty awful relationship and I butted in and pushed for them to have some type of relationship. But since this has affect our kids…my husband is not accepting it. He’s not okay with it either and has put his foot down. My FIL actually ran into me at the store and put all the blame on my like I am some type of monster that I made his son do this and a lot of other things. I was not okay with it and I put my foot down.

You don’t have to accept things if you are not okay with it. Even if it is family. Just because it is family does not make things that make you uncomfortable okay. It isn’t. You don’t have to settle or be bullied into anything. Stand up for yourself.. You are worth it.

Nothing to be ashamed

When Chester died, I wrote a lot about the stigmatism surrounding mental illness. How it is very scary to openly talk about having a mental illness. That talking about it is like having the plague.

Seriously, I am still scared to openly talk about my illness because so many people have made it a joke. I have seen a lot of people who experience nervousness over something claim that they have an anxiety disorder However, after whatever makes them nervous, they no longer have a mental illness.

It is like having an anxiety disorder is something to joke about. It makes those of us who really have it afraid to come out with what is really going on.

There is also this type of stigmatism that if you have a mental illness you should be ashamed.. that you’re seeking attention or playing the victim.

We live in a world where it is so hard to have a mental disorder. I have anxiety disorder, panic attacks and mild depression. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am living with this and I am living with it my way. Why should I feel ashamed about it??? Seriously? Why should any of us feel ashamed about what is going on iside of our head. When you have a heart issue, your heart is sick. No one makes you feel ashamed of that. The brain is an organ. It can be sick like any other organ in your body.

Don’t be ashamed of it. Own it. You have a mental illness. And that is okay. If you’re on medication… THAT IS OKAY. Seriously. taking medication for your mental illness is brave. Because you had the courage to seek help. To get help. There are so many who have not been able to drum up the courage to ask for help.
When Chester died, many of those who knew him, came to the forefront to speak out for mental illness. To break the stigmatim. I think that the more that we talk about it, the more it will be accepted as normal. That it is nothing to be ashamed about. Because it’s not.

Open up. Tell me your story. Tell me what makes you overthink. Tell me what your anxious about. Because I am here. I will always be here. As a listening friend. As someone who shares your story. Who understands what it is like to have a mental illness. Who knows what it is like to be made ashamed of my illness. To know what it is like. So tell me your story.

Cruel world

It seems like everytime we turn on the news, there is something awful happening somewhere in the world. Things have grown so bad, you don’t want your kids playing outside by themselves. You question everyone you meet. Etc. When I was a little kid, I used to play outside without adult supervision with my friends all the time. I rode my bike down the road to the gas station without a single thought. Now, I cannot even let my 7 year old step outside without me being right by her side. The world has become cruel.

Many parents are trying to toughen up their kids to face this dark cruel world. Trying to toughen up their kids for situations that could happen. How to handle the things that are going on. Playing the defense against the worlds in their teachings. However, it is not our job to toughen up our kids to face the cruel world. It is our job to raise kids who will make the world a little less cruel. We should play offense and teach our kids how to be innovative. How to be the reason the world gets better.

We can show our kids how to make the world less cruel by bringing back manners. There are so many kids these days that I see in stores who will run you down with the shopping cart without a single care in the world. Not even a single ‘excuse me’. Bring back the caring. Teaching them the importance of a helping hand. Teach them the concept of ‘karma’. I understand that people don’t like karma because its not in their ‘religion’ or they call it something else. I call it Karma. Those who need to put it into their christianity box would be ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’. Teach them that putting good out into the world brings good back to them. But don’t teach them to do for other in expectations for others to do good for them. That is where we get that entitled feeling. Instead teach them the importance of kindness.

It is our jobs to help our kids grow. We can either toughen them up where they only think about themselves, or we can raise them to change the world one kind act at a time.

Places I want to visit

So sometimes I like to take time to create simple post. Little posts that are that heavy. Light hearted posts. So today, that is what we’re going to do.

Today, we’re going to have a list post. Top 10 places I would love to visit. (Although I highly doubt that I will ever visit them because PLANES. terrified of flying)

10.) Disney world.

Because….well disney world. It is every childs dream to go there. And I honestly don’t think that it is fair that my brothers went to Disney Land before I was born and I never got to.

9.) Hollywood.

I know that it can be overhyped. But everyone in my family has been to California and I haven’t. My mom used to shop on Rodeo drive when she was young. She grew up in Cali. My oldest brother was born in LA County. I would just love to go see what it was like.

8.) Liverpool, England.

I love The Beatles. I mean LOVE. My dad used to look like a young John Lennon when he was young. Big nose and side burns and all. It was crazy. I grew up listening to everything Beatles and Michael Jackson and more. So I when I heard that there is a Beatles museum in Liverpool….. That is one place that I would love to go to.

7.) Ireland

Just to listen to the accents. I mean YAY. Have you heard Finn Balor or Becky Lynch talk?

6.) Scottland.

Again for the accents. Just think Gerard Butler.

5.) Germany

Oktoberfest. I think that would be an extremely fun event to attend. And I would be able to explore a big part of my heritage as we are strongly German.

4.) Corpus Christi

I love the Movie Selena. And I love the singer Selena. It would be amazing to go to the birth place of Selena, walk thru the museum of Selena. There is also a festival every year in her honor. How cool would it be to see that, to be apart of that. OMG and Chris Perez ❤

3.) Orlando, FL

Because the training center for WWE is there. It would be amazing to just tour the training center see how the things work. See how they put shows together etc. I am a nerd for wrestling I know. I mean what can you expect. My husband is training to be a pro wrestler. HES AMAZING

2.) Aberdeen/ Seatle Washington

Because…..well….. Kurt Cobain. Do I have to say anthing more? I mean I am a child of the 90’s. I am a lover of the grunge. I love Cobain’s throat scream in the unplugged version of My Girl. It is amazing and gives me chills.

1.) Idaho.
Because a big portion of my familiy lives there and I haven’t been there in over 20 years. I miss them dearly. If I wasn’t afraid of flying and flying wasn’t so expensive…. I would go back for a visit.

While they’re little

Being a parent is one of life’s greatest joys. I have said a million times that being a mom is one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. My girls are little right now. They’re both under the age of ten.  And when something happens in their day to day life, they make a big deal out of it. Even the tiniest of things like dropping their fork on the floor can bring about the biggest meltdowns. However, you have to listen to these moments and not just brush them off. 

If you don’t listen to the little things when they are little then they won’t tell you the big things when they’re big. There are going to major milestones  in your kids lives. I don’t know about you, but I want to hear about every single thing that happens.  If you dismiss the things that they feel are big to them now, then they will be uncomfortable later on when they really need to talk to someone like their parents.

Personally, I am not comfortable about talking about sex to anyone other than my best friend and my husband. I literately have never had a sex talk with my mom. I believe that she thought I hadn’t had sex until she found out I was pregnant. Its just not a comfortable topic. It took me eleven years for me to tell my mom that I had been sexually abused at the age of five.

I don’t want my kids to feel the way I did. I want them to be able to come talk to me. To create an environment where they are comfortable talking to me about their big milestones all through their life…. I have to listen to them now. Even if means that they are having a meltdown about dropping a fork or breaking a crayon. Sometimes we forget that our kids emotions are important.

While it may seem insignificant to us as adults, it is important to them. They are dealing with big emotions and they will feel ignored and a burden if we brush their feelings off. I understand that we sometimes are so overwhelmed with our daily life…. but as parents, we need to just take a second to listen to what is going on in our kids lives. Sometimes that means listening to how two toys are having an argument.

Think about it. Especially if you have anxiety or any other mental illness. How more comfortable would you be talking about your feelings if your parents were more open and listening to you as a child? I am not blaming my mom for any of my mental illness. She is one of the few who actually believe me and doesn’t say its just in my head. I can just get over it. She actively tries to calm me down on a day to day basis. However, she worked all the time. She was a single parent. And I didn’t want to burden her with my feelings. And my oldest brother used to call me a big baby if I talked about the way I felt, so I just held it in. And holding it in became my comfort zone.

But I do not want my children to have that mindset. I want them to come to me with anything that they are feeling or dealing with. I want them to feel comfortable talking to me about the big things because I want to be apart of that.  I don’t want them to feel like they have to hide things from me. 

To ensure that my kids are comfortable talking to me I need to listen to them now. While they are little. It is so simple. Just LISTEN to your kids. And Don’t brush off their emotions like they’re nothing because to your kids, its not small. Its big to them so it needs to be big to you too. 

What does thisanxiousmom mean

This Anxious Mom:

What does my blog name mean to me????

It is very simple.

It is me.

I am this anxious mom.

I am a mother of two beautiful girls. I am a husband to an amazing wrestler in training and I have severe anxiety.

This blog is my outlet.

My way of expressing what gives me anxiety. What parenting with anxiety is like..

It is a place where I can just write what I want. Maybe I want to review something…. Maybe I wanna share a recipe…. Or maybe I wanna tell you what it is like to parent with anxiety.

There is no telling what my next post is going to be about. And I LOVE IT

There will always be something that I will feel something strongly about. That there is something I can write about.

Do I hope that there will be readers? Of course I do. Do I wish I could turn my blog into my full time income like you constantly see people bragging about? YES. Do I LOVE having an outlet to describe the things that cause my anxiety or how to cope with anxiety…parenting with anxiety…parenting in general or anything else??? YESSSS.

So overall…. ThisAnxiousMom means me. It is me.