I’m not mad I’m hurt theres a difference
I have ‘anger’ issues. Not in the sense that I need an anger management class. But in the sense that I am overly emotional…. I feel way too much, way too hard. But I also have a ‘resting bitch face’ so when something is on my mind. I looked pissed off. When I have a war inside my head. Where I am fighting my anxious self and trying to keep my cool. Where I am trying to not go into an anxiety attack…. I always look mad.
But I am seldom mad. I am more hurt than anything else. There is a difference. When I am mad… I am mad. I am angry. But even if I look mad…. I might not be mad. I might be hurt and trying to not say anything. Trying to not cause whatever it is to get worse.
I am usually hurt. I am so emotional….. So I get hurt a lot.
Having anxiety and depression makes me feel things on a deeper level…. or at least I think so….
So….. I try to bring in personal issues or stories to relate to what topic I am writing….. Well.. I actually had something that happened recently that made me feel hurt but came across as being mad.
As I have stated, my husband is training to be a wrestler. The promotion that he is training with had a show this past weekend. And the trainee’s usually go to help set up before the show and stay to help take down after the show…..the last one, I went to…. This one was an hour and half away from home. So it was going to be a very long day…. I told my husband that I would go with him if he wanted me to but he would need to make the decision. He stated that he would want me there but he wasn’t going to force me to go. So I told him that the final decision would be on him. This was 2 days before the event. two days go by and its the morning of the event….my husband is getting ready… I am still waiting on an answer. Am I going? Am I driving? What is going on? I don’t want to be like ‘hey yeah I’m going with you to an event with your group because I’m just an overbearing person who has to be glued to you 24/7’ NO I wasn’t going to. So I waited and waited and waited…..he said nothing. Except ‘I guess I’ll be going’ Like no…don’t put this on me that you’re going to an event alone. I told you to make the decision on if I was going or not… you didn’ t make a choice so I didn’t get ready.
And my husband thinks I was mad….i wasn’t… I’m not. I am more hurt than anything because I waited and waited for my husband to say anything. It isn’t like he has never said ‘go with me’ or ‘go next time’ to me before. With no problem. But for some reason now is an issue….
So he spent the entire day at the event…without me….and I spent the day at home….sad…hurt….in bed….emotional. It was not a good day. But I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad at him for me not going for him not talking for no conversation taking place….. I was hurt. I was hurt that I waited for two days waiting for him to make a decision. to say anything. and that he just didn’t say a word. I’m not meaning that we didn’t talk at all for 2 days. No…we did….and I would remind him that a decision needed to be made …. for 2 days…. Thats what hurt me. I felt like he was ignoring it….ignoring me…. ignoring the situation because maybe he just didn’t want to me there..(that wasn’t the case) but it’s how I felt.
There is a difference between being mad and feeling hurt. Understanding the two feelings is extremely important if you’re dealing with someone who suffers with anxiety….