Are you the adult you want your child to be

When I became pregnant with my oldest kid, I knew that the partying was over with, since I was only 19 at the time. I knew I needed to grow up and grow up fast. I also knew that I didn’t want my kid to go thru what I went thru growing up and I knew that I wanted her to have more than I did. I knew that I never wanted her to worry about where her next meal would be coming from and I didn’t want to her to worry about the things that I did when I was a kid. However, am I the adult that I want my kids to grow up to be.

We learn how to adult from the adults in our lives. I think I get my strong will and hard headedness from my mom. I mean she was a single mother of three kids and was strong enough to leave an abusive relationship. She was a great role model even though we had it extremely rough growing up.

I know that I am not the perfect mom but I am a loving mom. I love my kids more than life itself. I will go to bat for them no matter what. As a stay at home mom, I am the forefront of what goes on in their daily lives. I am the one that wakes them up, prepares their food, makes sure they have everything they need, make their dr apts and takes the to them. I handle their medication, their bed times, their laundry everything. As a stay at home mom, my kids are not my job but everything that involves them is. My kids are my priority. The laundry and everything else is my job.

However, I am not the adult that I want them to be. Not yet. I have a long way to go. I am always trying to get better. With a mental illness such as anxiety disorder, I tend to over react. I tend to be overly cautious. And I don’t want them to grow up to be that type of person. I am always trying to learn new ways to overcome my anxiety with my kids and around my kids. It is just how I am.

Although, at this exact moment, I am not the adult that I want my kids to be… I am constantly trying to get better. I am constantly striving to be that adult they should be. And I hope that teaches them that although you don’t automatically have all of your shit together, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t keep trying to do so.

 

Are you the adult you want your kid to be? If so, how did you get there? If not, what steps are you taking?

Relaxing

Sometimes my husband has Monday’s off. However, he usually works 6 days a week. He is an amazing, hard working man. So when he wants to relax, I try to let him. Unless something needs to get done that I either cannot physically do or it creeps me out….like going under the house.

Some days, when he is off, we like to relax together. Maybe stay in bed longer than normal or just be lazy. Hide out. It wouldn’t be all to bad if my kids actually understood the meaning of sleeping in on the weekends. But nooo…our 7 year old wakes up by or before 8 am every weekend, unless she’s sick. Usually the 7 year old is pretty awesome about just chilling in her room until everyone is up and moving. However, there are some mornings where her and her sister are up and they just know we’re up….even if we’re quiet. They just know.

Now in my imagination they shoot up  from their beds, wide eyed. Lift their nose way into the air….take a big whiff, look at each other and say ‘lets pounce’.

I kid you not. Every single time we try to be lazy or relax. Kick our feet up or anything… THEY KNOW.

Sometimes they’ll come and bug us with things like I’m hungry, I’m thirsty. I need this or that. But most times they decide that this is when they want to fight over the same exact toy that they have a duplicate of…. Just because. Or they come to tell us something and its like they repeat it over and over and over and over until you acknowledge them…. And the thing about that is the more you try to ignore them….the louder they get.

It is like they just know when we are taking a minute.

For instance, I spring clean and fall/winter clean.  When I am cleaning they are either under my feet which I then put them to work….or they are no where to be seen. Since I was in the wreck, my back and hips give me issues from time to time. Since I injured my knee and have feet problems I take breaks. Not a lot of breaks because I just want to get done and the more breaks I take the longer this project is going to take. However, the minute I sit down to put my knee up or get something to drink….they pounce. They just know. They have a sixth sense about this kind of thing. It is crazy.

 

Do your kids know when you’re relaxing? even if they’re in another room?

I feel weird

Okay so the other day I decided to do a test run for some fudge that I am planning on sending to my husband’s first show. My anxiety is like you need to make sure this turns out ahead of time instead of it failing the day of.

So I of course go to the store and buy everything that I need. Come home and start to make it. However this calls for me to roll the fudge into individual circles right before it hardens. Its white chocolate fudge with jack skellington face drawn on. Its almost Halloween the show is just a few days before Halloween So I thought that it would be a great idea.

Unfortunately I have issues. Like major big time issues. Once I start rolling the fudge… It starts sticking to my hands and my fingers and I have almost a complete meltdown. I hurry to the sink and stand there washing my hands over and over for 5 minutes. My mom is over and she was at the sink when I asked her to move and I am pretty sure she is concerned about me now.

But this isn’t the first time like this has happened and I have done a fantastic job of making sure very few people have seen my freak outs. Its to the point that I cannot out my hand in sink water that’s been left sitting for a period of time or touch anything slimey. Also if gloves or socks are too tight I spazz because it feels like they are constricted.

I never knew what this meant. I just thought I was a weird person. That is until I was talking to my best friend about my freak out and she told me its called sensory processing disorder. Her and her autistic son have it. So now I finally have a name for the thing that makes my skin crawl and a panic attack ensue. But I still feel weird

Be their calm

 
Little people are constantly learning…. and not just their language and math skills… They take the ques on how to act, react and be from the people around them.. We are their role models and for many years, we are their everything…

So when they are overwhelmed by big emotions…..it is up to the parents to be their calm, teach them how to be calm and not join their chaos….

I know its hard… especially if their big emotions are coming at a time when you, as the parent, are busy. As a stay at home mom, I am always up. I am always doing something. There is always something that needs to be done. So when my two year old comes to me because she misplaced a toy and is heartbroken…it can get kind of in the way. Which being an emotional person myself…could end up with me freaking out…. And I usualy don’t freak out when she loses a toy. I do however get a litte annoyed when she clings to my leg while I am trying to cook dinner because well the stove is really flipping hot….

But it is complicated for kids. Because they’re overwhelmed. They’re developing new emotions that they’re not ready for. That they’re not 100% sure how to handle. And when you’re a busy parent. It is so easy to join in their chaos… But in the end….it just makes it worse…

By joining their chaos, you’re showing them that the way to handle said emotion is by creating more chaos, staying in the chaos and not learning a way to fix the situation. Therefore, when your kid is developing new emotions that overwhelm them…..that cause them chaos. It is our job to be their calm… be that person that they can come to when they are unaware of how to react or how to change what they’re feeling…. It is our job to help them learn to calm down. We are their rocks. We are their calm in the crazy ocean that is feelings. As a mother with anxiety disorder, I know how overwhelming and overbearing emotions can be…. So for just a little while, I can put my emotions….my chaos…. on the back burner and be the calm in the storm…

Say no

 

I think that when you suffer from a mental illness, you know how bad things can get. Therefore, you try even harder to make sure no one else gets that way. Or at least that is the case for me. I know how bad mental illness can get so I suffer from a ‘superhero complex’ and try to help EVERYONE. All the time. My husband says that I am always too nice. that I do things for others without being asked. Like making food for his training class. 4 weeks in a row. without being asked.
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but sometimes…. people see that kindness in you….and they exploit it. they take advantage and use the best way that they know how to exploit your sympathetic bones. Sob stories. Guilt trips. You name it….there are some people who see that you are a helpful person and they will constantly use you until you are bone dry. I actually knew some people, they were my husbands friends not mine…at all….who get everything from cars, food, clothes etc from begging others. They drain you dry. I remember them calling my husband the day he got paid or the weekend after he got paid asking for 200 bucks to pay their light bill…because they cannot keep a job….well the husband can’t keep a job, the wife refuses to work.

They dried everyone up around them……
There are so many people out there like that…. and they will leech off of you until you are down to absolutely nothing….

And it is okay to say no.
Like you do not have to give everything you have to someone who won’t even help themselves. How can you truly help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves? You can’t. Honestly… you can’t…until they are ready to help themselves…..they will constantly be leeching off of you until you’re worse than they are…..

So….if you’re anything like me…you’ll need to learn how to say no without explaining yourself….. you don’t have to explain to anyone why you are saying no to anyone. I think the only people that I explain my actions to are my husband, my kids (I explain why we say no) and my mom.

But if there is someone in your life that has leeched off of you….. or constantly bugging you to do something with or for them… you can say no….without explaning yourself…

There’s a difference

 

I’m not mad I’m hurt theres a difference

I have ‘anger’ issues. Not in the sense that I need an anger management class. But in the sense that I am overly emotional…. I feel way too much, way too hard. But I also have a ‘resting bitch face’ so when something is on my mind. I looked pissed off. When I have a war inside my head. Where I am fighting my anxious self and trying to keep my cool. Where I am trying to not go into an anxiety attack…. I always look mad.

But I am seldom mad. I am more hurt than anything else. There is a difference. When I am mad… I am mad. I am angry. But even if I look mad…. I might not be mad. I might be hurt and trying to not say anything. Trying to not cause whatever it is to get worse.

I am usually hurt. I am so emotional….. So I get hurt a lot.

Having anxiety and depression makes me feel things on a deeper level…. or at least I think so….

So….. I try to bring in personal issues or stories to relate to what topic I am writing….. Well.. I actually had something that happened recently that made me feel hurt but came across as being mad.
As I have stated, my husband is training to be a wrestler. The promotion that he is training with had a show this past weekend. And the trainee’s usually go to help set up before the show and stay to help take down after the show…..the last one, I went to…. This one was an hour and half away from home. So it was going to be a very long day…. I told my husband that I would go with him if he wanted me to but he would need to make the decision. He stated that he would want me there but he wasn’t going to force me to go. So I told him that the final decision would be on him. This was 2 days before the event. two days go by and its the morning of the event….my husband is getting ready… I am still waiting on an answer. Am I going? Am I driving? What is going on? I don’t want to be like ‘hey yeah I’m going with you to an event with your group because I’m just an overbearing person who has to be glued to you 24/7’ NO I wasn’t going to. So I waited and waited and waited…..he said nothing. Except ‘I guess I’ll be going’ Like no…don’t put this on me that you’re going to an event alone. I told you to make the decision on if I was going or not… you didn’ t make a choice so I didn’t get ready.

And my husband thinks I was mad….i wasn’t… I’m not. I am more hurt than anything because I waited and waited for my husband to say anything. It isn’t like he has never said ‘go with me’ or ‘go next time’ to me before. With no problem. But for some reason now is an issue….

So he spent the entire day at the event…without me….and I spent the day at home….sad…hurt….in bed….emotional. It was not a good day. But I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad at him for me not going for him not talking for no conversation taking place….. I was hurt. I was hurt that I waited for two days waiting for him to make a decision. to say anything. and that he just didn’t say a word. I’m not meaning that we didn’t talk at all for 2 days. No…we did….and I would remind him that a decision needed to be made …. for 2 days…. Thats what hurt me. I felt like he was ignoring it….ignoring me…. ignoring the situation because maybe he just didn’t want to me there..(that wasn’t the case) but it’s how I felt.

There is a difference between being mad and feeling hurt. Understanding the two feelings is extremely important if you’re dealing with someone who suffers with anxiety….
🙂