Never a victim

 

If you assume that every problem in your life is a lesson, then you will never feel like a victim. Now with a mental illness like anxiety…..or even depression, it can make this a hard job to accomplish.

Now I have been thru the ringer in my life. I feel like I have dealt with every type of abuse there is. While my brother, who abused me and our other brother, called it just being a brother…..being punched in the face at 5 years old because you wanted to tell your mom what he made you do….doesn’t really feel like just a sibling fight. I have only ever had one black eye in my life and its from my brother. It wasn’t always physical with my brother either….. I used to love eating a slice of bread. We didn’t have a lot of food growing up and a slice of bread was my snack….. Everytime he saw me eating a piece of bread….he would tell me that I was fat or I was getting fat. At 10 years old I wasn’t even 70 pounds…. While I am fat now…. I wasn’t always…. The pounds didn’t start adding up til I started getting depressed. Then there was the sexual abuse when I was 5. It wasn’t at the hands of my brother….but he was there. He could have stopped it. But he didn’t.

Now I could have continued to feel like the victim. I sure have seen a lot of people continue to play the victim years and years after the fact. For instance, I worked with a girl who was over the top dramatic and would always make an excuse for the way she acted. If she got in trouble for speaking wrong to another employee or customer, she would make it about the abuse she had experienced. Oh I lashed out because my husband use to do it to me. Or she was always trying to lose weight. She was taking diet pill and not eating. She said it was the best way for her to drop weight because her ex used to make her so that she could be skinny enough for him. Then she would give blood and pass out. Even after eating. It would be hours after giving blood and after she had lunch, she would ‘pass out’ but only when there were a big group of people around her. She played the victim because it brought her attention.

I have been abused. Instead of playing the victim every time something goes wrong. I choose to look at it as a lesson. Well at least I try and that is all we can do. My brother caused me to have severe body image issues. Instead of having an eating disorder to be a certain weight that my brother thought I should have been…. I instead choose to love my curves. Yes, I am fat. But I am going to the gym. My husband and I have started going to the gym twice a week for an hour to an hour and a half. We are trying to get in shape together.

My brother was the problem child. He cause our mother to become stricter on myself and our other brother. I had spent my entire childhood and teenage years fighting to prove that I am not my brothers. That I was going to graduate. That I wasn’t going to party. That I wasn’t going to get in trouble with the law. That I wasn’t them. It cause my perfection attitude. It sucks. It causes anxiety when I can’t do something perfectly. My brother is the victim. Alot. He’s the cutter. He’s the one that has OD on his medication. He’s the one that has been arrested multiple times. The only that loses his license a lot. Whenever he gets in trouble…..he blames anyone else. Mainly my mom or my dad. He was 10 when my mom left my dad. So he had 10 years of being called dumb ass or being physically abused. Once when he brought home bad grades, my dad made him stand at the street with a sign saying he was a dumb ass. But he didn’t start blaming our dad until our dad died. Now he blames him for everything because dad can’t defend himself and none of us were close to our dad enough to defend him. No. for 20+ year he blamed our mom. Because she moved us from her family to where we are now. because she had him arrested for having drugs in the house. For sending him to job core to try to better his life. For sending him to our dad so that maybe our dad could help him. He is always the victim. ALWAYS. No matter what. If he got drunk and drove and got pulled over….he some how made it about our mom. And he use to lash out at her and make her cry a lot. Until I got old enough that I was no longer scared of him. Now I wish he would try to make her cry.

If you look at things as a lesson….then you’ll never feel like a victim. I could feel like a victim for being used to the point of being broke. Saying things like if they didn’t keep asking me I wouldn’t be broke…. But no. As much as I want to help. I have learned that I can’t. I have to let people fall sometimes. I just have to. If they don’t fail sometimes….then they would never learn how to stand on their own. It is a work in progress. I am constantly trying to change my mindset whenever something bad happens.

Advertisements

Categories: anxiety

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

5 replies »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: