Change the end

 

You can’t change the beginning of a story… But you can change the end

I had a rough childhood. Not as rough as some and my brothers like to think that I had it easy because I was spoiled. I have explained to so many people that my spoiled was completely different than normal. I grew up on food stamps. Once a month, I would be able to get whatever cereal and name brand drinks. My brothers had to do odd jobs like raking leaves to help pay the bills. I didn’t because I was under 10 years old. I did however have to do my oldest brothers chores beacuse he was a douche who like to bully his younger siblings. I also had to do his long division homework when I was in the third grade because he just didn’t want to do it. I had to write his essays or spell check his homework. But both my brothers left home by the time they were 16-17. I didn’t. In fact, my mom has been a constant part of my life. We have been homeless in an abandoned house together.

I cannot change any of that. I wish I could. I wish I could have changed things so my mom wouldn’t feel the way she did when she couldn’t provide for us the way she had hoped. But I can’t.

I can, however, change my now. Change the end. And change where I am going.

You cannot change how you were raised. Where you were raised. How things were in the past. But don’t let that stop you from changing where you are going. If you’re not happy with how things are right now. You have the power to change it. You may not have the financial means to significantly change things. But you can change your outlook. You can change the way you see things. You can work on having a better attitude. Instead of waking up with the I don’t wanna work attitude or just a bad attitude in general. You can wake up and set a happy goal for the day. You can wake up and do something that makes you happy before having to go to work. For instance, when I worked at a call center. I used to love the job until the director left and we got a new one who was not the best person in the world. She always seemed to not like me and it made me resent my job. I would be upset every day I had to work. I would take any opportunity to leave early that was offered. However, the days where I got up extra early and was able to go get a frozen mocha. The caffeine and sugar delicious would make me feel a little better. I would blast some music on the way to work and I would start the day off in a good mood.

I don’t like my weight and I haven’t for a very long time. I was in a car accident when I was pregnant with my second child. This put a lot of pain on my body and I was practically on bedrest the whole pregnancy. I gained a lot of weight and it has been very hard to get rid of it. I cannot change the fact that I was on bed rest. I cannot change the fact that I gained a lot of weight during my last pregnancy. But what I can change….is today…tomorrow….next week. By eating right. Eating more veggies. Watching what I eat. And going to the gym. My husband and I have decided that going to the gym twice a week is a great start. Going slow. I have bad ankles and a bad knee from injuries from when I was younger. my hips and back are messed up from the wreck. Therefore, slow and steady wins the race. I can slowly build up the muscles in these areas so that I can gradually build up my endurance and then I can start losing weight….the right way. I can change the end of my story. And I choose to start today. Are you ready to change your story?

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Never a victim

 

If you assume that every problem in your life is a lesson, then you will never feel like a victim. Now with a mental illness like anxiety…..or even depression, it can make this a hard job to accomplish.

Now I have been thru the ringer in my life. I feel like I have dealt with every type of abuse there is. While my brother, who abused me and our other brother, called it just being a brother…..being punched in the face at 5 years old because you wanted to tell your mom what he made you do….doesn’t really feel like just a sibling fight. I have only ever had one black eye in my life and its from my brother. It wasn’t always physical with my brother either….. I used to love eating a slice of bread. We didn’t have a lot of food growing up and a slice of bread was my snack….. Everytime he saw me eating a piece of bread….he would tell me that I was fat or I was getting fat. At 10 years old I wasn’t even 70 pounds…. While I am fat now…. I wasn’t always…. The pounds didn’t start adding up til I started getting depressed. Then there was the sexual abuse when I was 5. It wasn’t at the hands of my brother….but he was there. He could have stopped it. But he didn’t.

Now I could have continued to feel like the victim. I sure have seen a lot of people continue to play the victim years and years after the fact. For instance, I worked with a girl who was over the top dramatic and would always make an excuse for the way she acted. If she got in trouble for speaking wrong to another employee or customer, she would make it about the abuse she had experienced. Oh I lashed out because my husband use to do it to me. Or she was always trying to lose weight. She was taking diet pill and not eating. She said it was the best way for her to drop weight because her ex used to make her so that she could be skinny enough for him. Then she would give blood and pass out. Even after eating. It would be hours after giving blood and after she had lunch, she would ‘pass out’ but only when there were a big group of people around her. She played the victim because it brought her attention.

I have been abused. Instead of playing the victim every time something goes wrong. I choose to look at it as a lesson. Well at least I try and that is all we can do. My brother caused me to have severe body image issues. Instead of having an eating disorder to be a certain weight that my brother thought I should have been…. I instead choose to love my curves. Yes, I am fat. But I am going to the gym. My husband and I have started going to the gym twice a week for an hour to an hour and a half. We are trying to get in shape together.

My brother was the problem child. He cause our mother to become stricter on myself and our other brother. I had spent my entire childhood and teenage years fighting to prove that I am not my brothers. That I was going to graduate. That I wasn’t going to party. That I wasn’t going to get in trouble with the law. That I wasn’t them. It cause my perfection attitude. It sucks. It causes anxiety when I can’t do something perfectly. My brother is the victim. Alot. He’s the cutter. He’s the one that has OD on his medication. He’s the one that has been arrested multiple times. The only that loses his license a lot. Whenever he gets in trouble…..he blames anyone else. Mainly my mom or my dad. He was 10 when my mom left my dad. So he had 10 years of being called dumb ass or being physically abused. Once when he brought home bad grades, my dad made him stand at the street with a sign saying he was a dumb ass. But he didn’t start blaming our dad until our dad died. Now he blames him for everything because dad can’t defend himself and none of us were close to our dad enough to defend him. No. for 20+ year he blamed our mom. Because she moved us from her family to where we are now. because she had him arrested for having drugs in the house. For sending him to job core to try to better his life. For sending him to our dad so that maybe our dad could help him. He is always the victim. ALWAYS. No matter what. If he got drunk and drove and got pulled over….he some how made it about our mom. And he use to lash out at her and make her cry a lot. Until I got old enough that I was no longer scared of him. Now I wish he would try to make her cry.

If you look at things as a lesson….then you’ll never feel like a victim. I could feel like a victim for being used to the point of being broke. Saying things like if they didn’t keep asking me I wouldn’t be broke…. But no. As much as I want to help. I have learned that I can’t. I have to let people fall sometimes. I just have to. If they don’t fail sometimes….then they would never learn how to stand on their own. It is a work in progress. I am constantly trying to change my mindset whenever something bad happens.

Stop wasting time

Sometimes, you just have to accept the truth and stop wasting your time with the wrong people. I actually can use this for multiple people. Quite easily actually. And I seem like a bitch because of it. Or at least that is the word on the streets right now.

So…. lets see.

there is a certain someone in my life. Well a few certain someones who…..as the lyrics from the band ISSUES says “you only call when I wanna pay Maxed out plastic guess you’l’l be on the way” So I only hear from these certain people when they want me for something. Either they want money or they want me to do something. And I have broken my back and my bank account to help them. Literately. Gone broke helping them. when I should have said no. Should have stopped and should have let them fall instead of trying to constantly be the hero… Another ISSUES song says ‘I never said I was your GD superman” I feel that way ALOT. like ALOT!!!!!! I don’t hear from them as much. And one of them in particular, my older brother, gets upset that I have a better relationship with our other brother than I do with him. The middle brother NEVER asks me for money… EVER!!!! When he wants something…..he will text ‘hey’ and its usualy hey can you watch the boys because they gotta work or can you watch the boys so i can have a date night. (sometimes its to go christmas shopping etc) The majority of our conversations include sending youtube links back and forth for music we want the others to listen to. SERIOUSLY. I have tried that with the older brother….and he ignores me. But he’s quick to text me to ask for money or to help him with food bills gas cigs alcohol or to try to make me feel guilty beause I said NO. I went broke helping my brother and considering that I am not working and my husband is the sole bread winner.. I feel extremely guilty that we’ve gone broke helping him. Especially when my husband and brother don’t have the greatest relationship. He’s always tried to intimidate my husband especially when we got pregnant with our first. Because I’m “babysister” I think it is just time that I accept the truth… and let my brother in his 30’s fall and learnn how to fix for himself.
The other person…..is my in law and his wife.
This is a complicated story. Okay….so my brother, the middle one, worked with my FIL years ago. my brother like my FIL….. they got a long great….. And when I met him… They were quick to invite me to dinner and text me and try to make me feel like family and I was like cool. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had a dad that was accepting etc….. But my husband wasn’t too happy with them….at all. Barely talked to them anything. And I tried to get the story but my husband was like its personal its complicated its……. And while my husband wasn’t willing to let me know what was going on……my FIL and his wife were quick to let me know what they thought about my mother in law. Constantly running her name thru the mud. And I didn’t have much of a problem with it in the beginning because my MIL was the worst. She HATED me. I mean literately HATED me!!! She told her son to stop seeing me. That is how much she hated me. But as we got to know each other more. she started softening up and turned out to be not so bad.

Welll there is a backstory there. My FIL cheated on my MIl more than once. He actually got with his current wife while still married to my MIL…… so as an only child seeing all of this going on and my FIL wasn’t ever really there for my husband…never did father son activities or anything. I now understand why my husband didn’t want anything to do with his dad….. But I didn’t know that then…. So I pushed… I pushed my husband to have a relationship with his dad… I pushed him to let our kids have a relationship with his dad. All was fine until the favoritism of the oldest kid started happening. Then the FIL and his wife took a stance that it was my fault. That my husband would never treat them this way if it wasnt for me…. even though you know the wife talked mad crap about my husband when she was just the mistress….. Its all so complicated and mess and wrong. I should have stayed out of it way back then……and let my husband not have a relationship like he wanted becuase then we wouldn’t have a grown man telling the mother of his grandchildren how wrong she is and blaming her in WALMART!!!! yeah… I ran into him in the store and he repeatedly told me EVERYTHING was my fault. That my husband taking a 50B was my doing. Even though, when my husband went and took the papers I WAS AT WORK!!!! I asked him how could I have taken those papers or make your son take those out when I was at work when he took them??? His respose was…. you had to come home sometime. >.< So…..it is time that we accept the truth and stop wasting our time with very bad, very toxic people.

Work on yourself

 

Your life will only get better when you do. That’s not saying that you’re going to completely be better. Like with my anxiety disorder. It is always going to be something that I am going to fight. I just have to keep learning, growing and devloping new ways to fight my disease. When I work on myself….the rest will follow. Life will get better only if I get better.

When you’re injured…. you’re not going to get better if you keep doing what you were doing. For instance, when I was in 6th grade…. I fractured my ankle falling down stairs. I was also a bus rider at the time and had to walk a good distance to get to the bus station. I had to wear a brace and walk on crutches with a book bag full of books and my instrument as I was in band. After the first day of going to the bus stop going thru school….getting back on the bus then walking back home… my ankle was more swollen than ever….

I mean it was three times the size. It was awful. So in order for my ankle to heal… I stayed home for 2 weeks. with my leg elevated. My school work for the 2 week were brought to me by my older brother and I didn’t fall behind. But if I had tried to continue putting so much strain on my ankle…. they would be worst than what they are now…. I injured both ankles about 2 years apart. They still act up and hurt. They swell and let me know when I need to pause…put them up and take care of myself.

If I try to continue on a swollen fractured ankle….then everything would be hard and bad. I had to take the time for me. I had to fix myself. Then everything else followed. Once my ankle got better, I got better, life got better. Once I took the time to chill out, relax and heal… I learned how to walk better. I learned how to watch where I was stepping.
Life is the same way. You have to take care of yourself before life gets better. If you keep going while you’re having a bad moment in life….life is going to reflect that. You have to take care of yourself first. Everything else will follow.

Days that make you

 
Life is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom, a young mom, a dad. Have mental illness. Or anything else. Life is always going to be hard. not all the time but there are going to be moments in your life that are just harder than others. But those days that are really hard, are the days that make you.

As a mom who had kids at a very young age, first one being born right before I turned 20, and a sufferer of anxiety, life tends to seem harder than not… Or at least the anxiety disorder would make me feel like its extremely hard. You know the saying, make a mountain out of a mole hill. Thats what my brain does. It makes a mountain out of a mole hill. Every single time.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that these are the days that teach me something. And if I look at it as a lesson learned…..then I won’t feel broken as often. The days that seem the hardest are the ones that make us. There are many days that I feel broken. beaten. bruised. just want to give up. don’t want to get out of bed. just want to sleep….

But as a mom…. I have to. I have to remember there are two beautiful amazing kids who depend on me every single moment of the day. Well not actually my 7 year old doesn’t need me as much anymore. She’s wildly independent. But there are moments she still needs me.

For instance, the other day. I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. Bawl my eyes out and cry. My lawn mower had snapped a belt. And lowe’s didn’t have it. I could order it from Sears….but they were out of stock…. I had finally found on at Tractor Supply and had crawled my fat behind under the lawn mower and changed the belt…..but it still woudn’t start. It wasn’t even turning over. No click nothing. So I went and spent 32 dollars on a new batter thinking maybe the whole mower just wasn’t getting any juice because of the battery. So I go to the store… I live in the country…it takes a good 10 minutes to drive to the big Walmart…. got it put in and guess what…. still wouldn’t start…. UGH… Then I go inside and cannot get on the computer. Can’t watch Netflix or Youtube because my internet is out AGAIN!!! and I can’t seem to get it fixed. It was like everything was crashing at once…

But, instead of losing my cool… I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make mini Taco Pizza’s for my husbands wrestling class. Like I told one of his buddies…. I was cooking thru my anxiety. It helps. I don’t know the exact words to describe why it helps. I let it go for the day. Let my brain work thru everything. I got the computer back to working and all of that the next day. Later that evening… I went back to work on the mower…. Turns out, one of the spark plugs had blown. And I had fixed that. We got it working…until my husband went to mow the front yard which was really high and something else went wrong. Big white cloud of smoke and mower is down again. But thats another days hassle.

 

There’s reason why there’s the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ even your worst day will make you stronger.

In a mood

 

Sometimes, you’re just in a mood.
The funny thing about mental health that no one really discusses is that, you don’t really need a reason to have episodes.
For instance…. Some days, I can just wake up and be in a ‘mood’.

For no reason at all either.

It is completely strange too. Cause I just don’t feel good enough. I feel worthless. I feel awful. I feel like I am doing nothing good in my life. In my family. That I am a bad person. That I am too fat. Too ugly. That I spend too much. That I don’t bring anything good to the table. And these are just thoughts that are in my head on these awful days. I don’t act on them. I don’t show them to the world. I don’t let them affect my kids. I am great at putting on a brave face and making sure that my kids don’t ever see that side. That they’re not traumatized by it.

Then there are days where I am just…. to put it simple, scared.

I am scared about not being able to provide a great life for my kids. I am scared that my iron is going to get to low. That my anxiety is going to rub off on my kids. That I am just not ever going to be good enough.

Now, I have been writing about things that cause me to be like that…. But there are some days where nothing causes it. that it just happens.

And that is the funny thing about mental illness, there doesn’t have to be any specific event to cause you to just be bleh.

With your kids

 

When you have kids, you think you have to be the parent all the time. That there is no fun involve. That you have to be strict and keep your kids on the straight and narrow. That playing is only for the kids. But that is so not true. There are so many benefits from playing with your kids.

And I don’t just mean that playing games with your kids benefits the kids development, because it does. But it also benefits the parents.

Think about it. You’ve had a really long stressful day. Constantly running errands or working. You’re stressed out. Tired. Worn down. The world on your shoulders.  Now how would you feel if you take 30 minutes and make a fort with your kid and pretend you’re camping.

You have to fully get into it too for the benefits to work. If you’re truly involved, then you forget about the worry. You forget about work. You forget about the stress. Just for a little while. You’re enjoying yourself. You in make believe. You can leave all the stress behind just for a little bit each day. And it feels amazing. It also helps your kids. In such amazing ways. Our kids are only little for so long. They only live in make believe land for so long. They’re only willing to play with their parents for so long before they turn into preteens and teens and only want either their privacy or their friends. So why not jump right into their castle and be their shining knight while you both still can?

The time that you spend with your kids is extremely important to their development. Even if you’re in make believe land for 10 minutes. You’re helping their developmental skills. You’re helping them process things. You’re even helping them create stories. Beginning middle and end. That is essential when they start school. Many times my kid, who is in 2nd grade, has assignments where she has to make up stories. Like what she did for the weekend. She has to plan it out. Beginning, middle, end. So when you’re being the dragon to his knight, he probably came up with a beginning as to how the dragon invaded his castle, a middle as to why he’s fighting the dragon and the end where he defeats the dragon.

When you’re playing with your toddler, they hear you say the words. The mimic what you say. You’re helping them learn to speak. You’re helping them develop and fine tune their motor skills.

You’re helping them work with others by working with you. You’re helping them understand their own self control. You’re helping them with their leadership skills and how to handle their own emotions. The time that you take to play with your kids, is essential for the development.

 

I know as a parent we can be so tired. I know I am. Some morning I am up when my husband gets up for work. I take my kid and my nephews to school. I cook, clean, pay bills run all the errands. Pick the kids up from school handle homework. Do my own homework. Write a blog. Usually I am the one taking care of the yard. I try to take as much on as I can since my husband works 60+ hours a week. So, I am usually so tired that I just want to put my feet up for five minutes. Especially when my plantar fasciitis is acting up. However, when my two year old wants to pretend I’m a horsey… I become a horsey. When my oldest wants to pretend I am a monster she has to defeat, I become that big bad monster that gets defeated. It is easy to be stressed out, I am all the time. But I don’t want to pass that stress and anxiety on to my kids. I am a mom. Stress is my job and my husbands. Not our kids. It is also our job to create memories with our kids.