Change the end

 

You can’t change the beginning of a story… But you can change the end

I had a rough childhood. Not as rough as some and my brothers like to think that I had it easy because I was spoiled. I have explained to so many people that my spoiled was completely different than normal. I grew up on food stamps. Once a month, I would be able to get whatever cereal and name brand drinks. My brothers had to do odd jobs like raking leaves to help pay the bills. I didn’t because I was under 10 years old. I did however have to do my oldest brothers chores beacuse he was a douche who like to bully his younger siblings. I also had to do his long division homework when I was in the third grade because he just didn’t want to do it. I had to write his essays or spell check his homework. But both my brothers left home by the time they were 16-17. I didn’t. In fact, my mom has been a constant part of my life. We have been homeless in an abandoned house together.

I cannot change any of that. I wish I could. I wish I could have changed things so my mom wouldn’t feel the way she did when she couldn’t provide for us the way she had hoped. But I can’t.

I can, however, change my now. Change the end. And change where I am going.

You cannot change how you were raised. Where you were raised. How things were in the past. But don’t let that stop you from changing where you are going. If you’re not happy with how things are right now. You have the power to change it. You may not have the financial means to significantly change things. But you can change your outlook. You can change the way you see things. You can work on having a better attitude. Instead of waking up with the I don’t wanna work attitude or just a bad attitude in general. You can wake up and set a happy goal for the day. You can wake up and do something that makes you happy before having to go to work. For instance, when I worked at a call center. I used to love the job until the director left and we got a new one who was not the best person in the world. She always seemed to not like me and it made me resent my job. I would be upset every day I had to work. I would take any opportunity to leave early that was offered. However, the days where I got up extra early and was able to go get a frozen mocha. The caffeine and sugar delicious would make me feel a little better. I would blast some music on the way to work and I would start the day off in a good mood.

I don’t like my weight and I haven’t for a very long time. I was in a car accident when I was pregnant with my second child. This put a lot of pain on my body and I was practically on bedrest the whole pregnancy. I gained a lot of weight and it has been very hard to get rid of it. I cannot change the fact that I was on bed rest. I cannot change the fact that I gained a lot of weight during my last pregnancy. But what I can change….is today…tomorrow….next week. By eating right. Eating more veggies. Watching what I eat. And going to the gym. My husband and I have decided that going to the gym twice a week is a great start. Going slow. I have bad ankles and a bad knee from injuries from when I was younger. my hips and back are messed up from the wreck. Therefore, slow and steady wins the race. I can slowly build up the muscles in these areas so that I can gradually build up my endurance and then I can start losing weight….the right way. I can change the end of my story. And I choose to start today. Are you ready to change your story?

Never a victim

 

If you assume that every problem in your life is a lesson, then you will never feel like a victim. Now with a mental illness like anxiety…..or even depression, it can make this a hard job to accomplish.

Now I have been thru the ringer in my life. I feel like I have dealt with every type of abuse there is. While my brother, who abused me and our other brother, called it just being a brother…..being punched in the face at 5 years old because you wanted to tell your mom what he made you do….doesn’t really feel like just a sibling fight. I have only ever had one black eye in my life and its from my brother. It wasn’t always physical with my brother either….. I used to love eating a slice of bread. We didn’t have a lot of food growing up and a slice of bread was my snack….. Everytime he saw me eating a piece of bread….he would tell me that I was fat or I was getting fat. At 10 years old I wasn’t even 70 pounds…. While I am fat now…. I wasn’t always…. The pounds didn’t start adding up til I started getting depressed. Then there was the sexual abuse when I was 5. It wasn’t at the hands of my brother….but he was there. He could have stopped it. But he didn’t.

Now I could have continued to feel like the victim. I sure have seen a lot of people continue to play the victim years and years after the fact. For instance, I worked with a girl who was over the top dramatic and would always make an excuse for the way she acted. If she got in trouble for speaking wrong to another employee or customer, she would make it about the abuse she had experienced. Oh I lashed out because my husband use to do it to me. Or she was always trying to lose weight. She was taking diet pill and not eating. She said it was the best way for her to drop weight because her ex used to make her so that she could be skinny enough for him. Then she would give blood and pass out. Even after eating. It would be hours after giving blood and after she had lunch, she would ‘pass out’ but only when there were a big group of people around her. She played the victim because it brought her attention.

I have been abused. Instead of playing the victim every time something goes wrong. I choose to look at it as a lesson. Well at least I try and that is all we can do. My brother caused me to have severe body image issues. Instead of having an eating disorder to be a certain weight that my brother thought I should have been…. I instead choose to love my curves. Yes, I am fat. But I am going to the gym. My husband and I have started going to the gym twice a week for an hour to an hour and a half. We are trying to get in shape together.

My brother was the problem child. He cause our mother to become stricter on myself and our other brother. I had spent my entire childhood and teenage years fighting to prove that I am not my brothers. That I was going to graduate. That I wasn’t going to party. That I wasn’t going to get in trouble with the law. That I wasn’t them. It cause my perfection attitude. It sucks. It causes anxiety when I can’t do something perfectly. My brother is the victim. Alot. He’s the cutter. He’s the one that has OD on his medication. He’s the one that has been arrested multiple times. The only that loses his license a lot. Whenever he gets in trouble…..he blames anyone else. Mainly my mom or my dad. He was 10 when my mom left my dad. So he had 10 years of being called dumb ass or being physically abused. Once when he brought home bad grades, my dad made him stand at the street with a sign saying he was a dumb ass. But he didn’t start blaming our dad until our dad died. Now he blames him for everything because dad can’t defend himself and none of us were close to our dad enough to defend him. No. for 20+ year he blamed our mom. Because she moved us from her family to where we are now. because she had him arrested for having drugs in the house. For sending him to job core to try to better his life. For sending him to our dad so that maybe our dad could help him. He is always the victim. ALWAYS. No matter what. If he got drunk and drove and got pulled over….he some how made it about our mom. And he use to lash out at her and make her cry a lot. Until I got old enough that I was no longer scared of him. Now I wish he would try to make her cry.

If you look at things as a lesson….then you’ll never feel like a victim. I could feel like a victim for being used to the point of being broke. Saying things like if they didn’t keep asking me I wouldn’t be broke…. But no. As much as I want to help. I have learned that I can’t. I have to let people fall sometimes. I just have to. If they don’t fail sometimes….then they would never learn how to stand on their own. It is a work in progress. I am constantly trying to change my mindset whenever something bad happens.

Stop wasting time

Sometimes, you just have to accept the truth and stop wasting your time with the wrong people. I actually can use this for multiple people. Quite easily actually. And I seem like a bitch because of it. Or at least that is the word on the streets right now.

So…. lets see.

there is a certain someone in my life. Well a few certain someones who…..as the lyrics from the band ISSUES says “you only call when I wanna pay Maxed out plastic guess you’l’l be on the way” So I only hear from these certain people when they want me for something. Either they want money or they want me to do something. And I have broken my back and my bank account to help them. Literately. Gone broke helping them. when I should have said no. Should have stopped and should have let them fall instead of trying to constantly be the hero… Another ISSUES song says ‘I never said I was your GD superman” I feel that way ALOT. like ALOT!!!!!! I don’t hear from them as much. And one of them in particular, my older brother, gets upset that I have a better relationship with our other brother than I do with him. The middle brother NEVER asks me for money… EVER!!!! When he wants something…..he will text ‘hey’ and its usualy hey can you watch the boys because they gotta work or can you watch the boys so i can have a date night. (sometimes its to go christmas shopping etc) The majority of our conversations include sending youtube links back and forth for music we want the others to listen to. SERIOUSLY. I have tried that with the older brother….and he ignores me. But he’s quick to text me to ask for money or to help him with food bills gas cigs alcohol or to try to make me feel guilty beause I said NO. I went broke helping my brother and considering that I am not working and my husband is the sole bread winner.. I feel extremely guilty that we’ve gone broke helping him. Especially when my husband and brother don’t have the greatest relationship. He’s always tried to intimidate my husband especially when we got pregnant with our first. Because I’m “babysister” I think it is just time that I accept the truth… and let my brother in his 30’s fall and learnn how to fix for himself.
The other person…..is my in law and his wife.
This is a complicated story. Okay….so my brother, the middle one, worked with my FIL years ago. my brother like my FIL….. they got a long great….. And when I met him… They were quick to invite me to dinner and text me and try to make me feel like family and I was like cool. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had a dad that was accepting etc….. But my husband wasn’t too happy with them….at all. Barely talked to them anything. And I tried to get the story but my husband was like its personal its complicated its……. And while my husband wasn’t willing to let me know what was going on……my FIL and his wife were quick to let me know what they thought about my mother in law. Constantly running her name thru the mud. And I didn’t have much of a problem with it in the beginning because my MIL was the worst. She HATED me. I mean literately HATED me!!! She told her son to stop seeing me. That is how much she hated me. But as we got to know each other more. she started softening up and turned out to be not so bad.

Welll there is a backstory there. My FIL cheated on my MIl more than once. He actually got with his current wife while still married to my MIL…… so as an only child seeing all of this going on and my FIL wasn’t ever really there for my husband…never did father son activities or anything. I now understand why my husband didn’t want anything to do with his dad….. But I didn’t know that then…. So I pushed… I pushed my husband to have a relationship with his dad… I pushed him to let our kids have a relationship with his dad. All was fine until the favoritism of the oldest kid started happening. Then the FIL and his wife took a stance that it was my fault. That my husband would never treat them this way if it wasnt for me…. even though you know the wife talked mad crap about my husband when she was just the mistress….. Its all so complicated and mess and wrong. I should have stayed out of it way back then……and let my husband not have a relationship like he wanted becuase then we wouldn’t have a grown man telling the mother of his grandchildren how wrong she is and blaming her in WALMART!!!! yeah… I ran into him in the store and he repeatedly told me EVERYTHING was my fault. That my husband taking a 50B was my doing. Even though, when my husband went and took the papers I WAS AT WORK!!!! I asked him how could I have taken those papers or make your son take those out when I was at work when he took them??? His respose was…. you had to come home sometime. >.< So…..it is time that we accept the truth and stop wasting our time with very bad, very toxic people.

Work on yourself

 

Your life will only get better when you do. That’s not saying that you’re going to completely be better. Like with my anxiety disorder. It is always going to be something that I am going to fight. I just have to keep learning, growing and devloping new ways to fight my disease. When I work on myself….the rest will follow. Life will get better only if I get better.

When you’re injured…. you’re not going to get better if you keep doing what you were doing. For instance, when I was in 6th grade…. I fractured my ankle falling down stairs. I was also a bus rider at the time and had to walk a good distance to get to the bus station. I had to wear a brace and walk on crutches with a book bag full of books and my instrument as I was in band. After the first day of going to the bus stop going thru school….getting back on the bus then walking back home… my ankle was more swollen than ever….

I mean it was three times the size. It was awful. So in order for my ankle to heal… I stayed home for 2 weeks. with my leg elevated. My school work for the 2 week were brought to me by my older brother and I didn’t fall behind. But if I had tried to continue putting so much strain on my ankle…. they would be worst than what they are now…. I injured both ankles about 2 years apart. They still act up and hurt. They swell and let me know when I need to pause…put them up and take care of myself.

If I try to continue on a swollen fractured ankle….then everything would be hard and bad. I had to take the time for me. I had to fix myself. Then everything else followed. Once my ankle got better, I got better, life got better. Once I took the time to chill out, relax and heal… I learned how to walk better. I learned how to watch where I was stepping.
Life is the same way. You have to take care of yourself before life gets better. If you keep going while you’re having a bad moment in life….life is going to reflect that. You have to take care of yourself first. Everything else will follow.

Days that make you

 
Life is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mom, a young mom, a dad. Have mental illness. Or anything else. Life is always going to be hard. not all the time but there are going to be moments in your life that are just harder than others. But those days that are really hard, are the days that make you.

As a mom who had kids at a very young age, first one being born right before I turned 20, and a sufferer of anxiety, life tends to seem harder than not… Or at least the anxiety disorder would make me feel like its extremely hard. You know the saying, make a mountain out of a mole hill. Thats what my brain does. It makes a mountain out of a mole hill. Every single time.

I have a hard time accepting the fact that these are the days that teach me something. And if I look at it as a lesson learned…..then I won’t feel broken as often. The days that seem the hardest are the ones that make us. There are many days that I feel broken. beaten. bruised. just want to give up. don’t want to get out of bed. just want to sleep….

But as a mom…. I have to. I have to remember there are two beautiful amazing kids who depend on me every single moment of the day. Well not actually my 7 year old doesn’t need me as much anymore. She’s wildly independent. But there are moments she still needs me.

For instance, the other day. I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry. Bawl my eyes out and cry. My lawn mower had snapped a belt. And lowe’s didn’t have it. I could order it from Sears….but they were out of stock…. I had finally found on at Tractor Supply and had crawled my fat behind under the lawn mower and changed the belt…..but it still woudn’t start. It wasn’t even turning over. No click nothing. So I went and spent 32 dollars on a new batter thinking maybe the whole mower just wasn’t getting any juice because of the battery. So I go to the store… I live in the country…it takes a good 10 minutes to drive to the big Walmart…. got it put in and guess what…. still wouldn’t start…. UGH… Then I go inside and cannot get on the computer. Can’t watch Netflix or Youtube because my internet is out AGAIN!!! and I can’t seem to get it fixed. It was like everything was crashing at once…

But, instead of losing my cool… I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make mini Taco Pizza’s for my husbands wrestling class. Like I told one of his buddies…. I was cooking thru my anxiety. It helps. I don’t know the exact words to describe why it helps. I let it go for the day. Let my brain work thru everything. I got the computer back to working and all of that the next day. Later that evening… I went back to work on the mower…. Turns out, one of the spark plugs had blown. And I had fixed that. We got it working…until my husband went to mow the front yard which was really high and something else went wrong. Big white cloud of smoke and mower is down again. But thats another days hassle.

 

There’s reason why there’s the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ even your worst day will make you stronger.

In a mood

 

Sometimes, you’re just in a mood.
The funny thing about mental health that no one really discusses is that, you don’t really need a reason to have episodes.
For instance…. Some days, I can just wake up and be in a ‘mood’.

For no reason at all either.

It is completely strange too. Cause I just don’t feel good enough. I feel worthless. I feel awful. I feel like I am doing nothing good in my life. In my family. That I am a bad person. That I am too fat. Too ugly. That I spend too much. That I don’t bring anything good to the table. And these are just thoughts that are in my head on these awful days. I don’t act on them. I don’t show them to the world. I don’t let them affect my kids. I am great at putting on a brave face and making sure that my kids don’t ever see that side. That they’re not traumatized by it.

Then there are days where I am just…. to put it simple, scared.

I am scared about not being able to provide a great life for my kids. I am scared that my iron is going to get to low. That my anxiety is going to rub off on my kids. That I am just not ever going to be good enough.

Now, I have been writing about things that cause me to be like that…. But there are some days where nothing causes it. that it just happens.

And that is the funny thing about mental illness, there doesn’t have to be any specific event to cause you to just be bleh.

With your kids

 

When you have kids, you think you have to be the parent all the time. That there is no fun involve. That you have to be strict and keep your kids on the straight and narrow. That playing is only for the kids. But that is so not true. There are so many benefits from playing with your kids.

And I don’t just mean that playing games with your kids benefits the kids development, because it does. But it also benefits the parents.

Think about it. You’ve had a really long stressful day. Constantly running errands or working. You’re stressed out. Tired. Worn down. The world on your shoulders.  Now how would you feel if you take 30 minutes and make a fort with your kid and pretend you’re camping.

You have to fully get into it too for the benefits to work. If you’re truly involved, then you forget about the worry. You forget about work. You forget about the stress. Just for a little while. You’re enjoying yourself. You in make believe. You can leave all the stress behind just for a little bit each day. And it feels amazing. It also helps your kids. In such amazing ways. Our kids are only little for so long. They only live in make believe land for so long. They’re only willing to play with their parents for so long before they turn into preteens and teens and only want either their privacy or their friends. So why not jump right into their castle and be their shining knight while you both still can?

The time that you spend with your kids is extremely important to their development. Even if you’re in make believe land for 10 minutes. You’re helping their developmental skills. You’re helping them process things. You’re even helping them create stories. Beginning middle and end. That is essential when they start school. Many times my kid, who is in 2nd grade, has assignments where she has to make up stories. Like what she did for the weekend. She has to plan it out. Beginning, middle, end. So when you’re being the dragon to his knight, he probably came up with a beginning as to how the dragon invaded his castle, a middle as to why he’s fighting the dragon and the end where he defeats the dragon.

When you’re playing with your toddler, they hear you say the words. The mimic what you say. You’re helping them learn to speak. You’re helping them develop and fine tune their motor skills.

You’re helping them work with others by working with you. You’re helping them understand their own self control. You’re helping them with their leadership skills and how to handle their own emotions. The time that you take to play with your kids, is essential for the development.

 

I know as a parent we can be so tired. I know I am. Some morning I am up when my husband gets up for work. I take my kid and my nephews to school. I cook, clean, pay bills run all the errands. Pick the kids up from school handle homework. Do my own homework. Write a blog. Usually I am the one taking care of the yard. I try to take as much on as I can since my husband works 60+ hours a week. So, I am usually so tired that I just want to put my feet up for five minutes. Especially when my plantar fasciitis is acting up. However, when my two year old wants to pretend I’m a horsey… I become a horsey. When my oldest wants to pretend I am a monster she has to defeat, I become that big bad monster that gets defeated. It is easy to be stressed out, I am all the time. But I don’t want to pass that stress and anxiety on to my kids. I am a mom. Stress is my job and my husbands. Not our kids. It is also our job to create memories with our kids.

Killshot or Rap Devil

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Alright. So I don’t usually comment on celebrity ‘beef’ because its all over the news and social media. However, the rap battle that is going on between Eminem and Machine Gun Kelly is just too good to not acknowledge. Well, at least on the Eminem part is. Killshot had me rolling, had to listen multiple times to get every diss registered.

So lets dig into this.

In 2012, MGK commented on Eminem daughter calling her hot. He was in his 20’s and she was 16. That in itself is a little weird. But it wasn’t even on Em’s radar as he mentioned on the interview with Sway. It actually goes a lot deeper than that. So much deeper but also kind of petty. Hey, I don’t really care what caused it because it brought us Killshot. Which I happen to be listening to right now.

So, MGK did a freestyle about his idol keeping him from something or another, which if you watch the sway interview, you will see that Em claims that he didn’t, that MGK wasn’t on his radar until MGK started it all.

Then came the Tech N9ne song No Reason (The Mosh Pit). At a little over two minutes into the song, MGK starts his part. His part includes:
“There’s only one option, you’re going to need a doctor I ain’t talking about the one from compton.” If I’m not mistaken, isn’t Dr. Dre from Compton, CA? The one that ‘discovered’ Eminem? The one that has been producing Em his whole career? “You think cause I wrote a pop hit I won’t pop shit” MGK is starting stuff. This is the whole reason why Em went off. Honesty, this and the tweet that I will get to late. And I don’t mean the one about hallie. “Remind ya’ll just rap not gods” Direct message to Em’s hit Rap God. Come on, if you heard the song Rap God….. you will know why it is titled Rap God. Eminem is the most skilled lyricist I have ever seen. He can bend and twist words to rhyme better than I have ever seen before.

So the tweet that I am referencing, Em actually commented on it during his interview with Sway
*Honestly If you haven’t listened to this interview, even though it is 4 parts, you really should. It is very informative and great.*
So Eminem found out about a tweet that MGK put that said you are just rap, not a god.

So Now comes Eminem’s surprise album, which I completely enjoy. The diss that ‘started it’ as some people don’t realize that MGK actually ‘sneak dissed’ Em on another song. The song is called Not Alike. Which he kind of makes fun of today’s rapper’s in it as well.
“Rap God spit lyrical bullets.” This kind of gave key that he was going to go on MGK.

“Roll up with your (gang) you’re gon’ need a arsenal cause this bar is over your head. So you better have arms if you’re gonna pull up. Oh you run the streets huh? Now you wanna come and **** with men, huh? This little &&&&-sucker, he must be feeling himself. He wants to kee up his tough demeanor. so he does a feature, decides to team up with nina. But next time you don’t gotta use teck N9ne if you wanna come at me with a sub, machine gun. And I’m talking to you, but you already know who the **** you are, kely. I don’t use sublims and sure as **** don’t sneak diss but keep on commenting on my daughter Hallie.”

So honestly, I am not a rapper, or much into the rap scene. I listen to who I like and that is about it. I have been listening to Em since Hi My name is…. I honestlly only heard about MGK when I was going to buy tickets to a Linkin Park show cause he was supposed to open for them before Chester died. So I can only give you my opinion on what the words mean and how I take them. So, if you don’t feel this way… Please don’t take offense. Let me know what you think or how you think it means or even who you think won.

So. Roll up with your gang you’re going to need an arsenal…. To me this means that MGK isn’t ready for what he’s about to get into. If you look at other battles Em has had, he has come out on top numerous times. He is directly calling out MGK for his sneak diss on twitter and the Tech N9ne song. I don’t know how many people listened to the song before Not alike came out. Because I honestly didn’t listen to it before Em said something. I went looking for it to see what he was talking about.

“Let me out a silencer on this little non-threatening blonde fairy corball taking shots at me.” Basically, he’s fixing to snuff out the beef and destroy MGK.

“Better call diddy. Just to try to get me off and you better hope I don’t call Trick Trick. #*$# this $#!+ don’t fly in our city. Punk you don’t disrepect OG’s RIP Prodigy.” Diddy is the one that produces MGK. And he’s basically saying that MGK is disrespecting the OG’s like himself.

Then MGK came out with his ‘diss’ I put that in quotations because it doesnt’ honestly sound like a diss. It’s more like a love hate song. With a hook and a chorus.

Rap Devil – MGK

I am not going to post all of the lyrics. You can find the song on Youtube. But I will post some of the ‘disses’.

“Somebody grab him some clippers, his ******* beard is weird. Tough talk from a rapper payin millions for security a year”

His beard is weird? This is the opening line?!?!? Can he grow a beard? And if you were as famous as Em with crazy fans…. wouldn’t you have security too?

“I think my dad’s gone crazy, yeah hallie you right, dad’s always mad cooped up in the studio yellin at the mic.”

Bringing up Hallie again….. not that great of an idea.

“Mad abot somethin I said in 2012 took you six years and a surprise album just to come with a diss”

The Em diss barely mentioned the fact that he, at 22 called a 16 year old hot….. It more referenced the most common events like MGK featuring in the Tech N9ne song.

the picture that he commented on was only part of the reason why Em responded. Not the whole reason for it.

“Homie we get it, we know youre the greatest raper alive.

This is supposed to be a diss song….. yet he’s complimenting him

“All you do is read the dictionary and stay inside”

How else would he grow his ability? When you want to get better at something don’t you continue to try to grow with it??

“&&&& rap god, I’m he rap devil”

If you think about the Bible, the devil was an angel who couldn’t overthrow God and is now below him (hell) so claiming that he’s the Devil is already claiming that he is beneath Em.
“Your last four albums is as bad as your selfie”

This is significant because in a few lines later you will see that he tells Em to go back to Recovery……which was 3 albums ago. Doing a fact check would be great.

“Trying to be the old you so bad you stan yourself”

Stan is an Em song about a fan that was so obsessed with him.

“Yeah I’ll acknowledge that you’re the GOAT, But I’m the Gunner, &#&# I got you in the scope”

Another compliment. GOAT stands for Greatest of All Time.
“Hello Marshall, my name’s Colson you should go back to Recover”

I put this here because He said to go back 4 albums ago….then tells him to go back to recovery. Fact checking….its easy.

“Look what you done to me. Dropped an album just because of me. Damn you in love with me.”

This is just saying that Em is obsessed with MGK… Uhm… If you actually listen to the album… you will know that Em only spent less than 2 minutes in the entire album on MGK.

Or write an apology, over the simple fact, you had to diss to acknowledge me I am the prodigy”

An apology? MGK started it with a sneak diss.

“Last time you saw 8 mile was at home on a treadmill. You were named after a candy I was named after a gangster”

This makes no sense. I understand that 8 Mile is a movie and the place that Em grew up and that he doesn’t go back there…. But to say 8 miles on a treadmile.. Man Em must be in great shape if he can run 8 miles.

The video itself doesn’t make any sense at itself. It is just doesn’t make sense. However, I commented on what I thought was bad about it the lyrics…. lets look at the other side.
Although there are some great things in the song. The fact that beginning of the song you hear someone say “Oh my god ronny” Ronny was the name of the uncle that Em was close to growing up but died. This could be a shot at Em’s heartstrings which means that MGK actually knows some facts about Em.
Going back to the security quote. While I understand why Em has the security…fans are crazy….. The good part about it in regards to the diss is that it is shining a light on the ‘flaws’ of Em’s tough guy persona.

Using actual vocals from one of Em’s song is a great jab at the person. Especially when the vocals are his daughter. Although, Em is extremely protective of his daughter. He watched her graduate from inside the school so he wouldn’t bring any attention to himself and away from her. Plus you just don’t mess with a Daddy’s girl. It’s just not a wise move. but I guess in the sense of trying to poke and diss at the other person….throwing that in there serves its purpose.

The line about calling up Trick Trick is one of the better lines consider that Trick Trick is known from an early 2000’s song Welcome to Detroit where Em called Trick to bring guns to help. This is basically saying that Em cannot fight his own battles and that he needs to call on someone else to fight them for him. While I think the response to Rap Devil won in my book. Some of the reasoning behind this are solid in the instance that its what MGK could come up with. I mean he is going against the GOAT afterall. We’ve seen how this played out before. EM is known for his Rap Battles. Thats how he started. MGK isn’t. So it’s going to be interesting to see how it eventually plays out. I kinda hope it just makes Em come out with more responses.

MGK References Em’s Cleaning out my closet in which he totes around a black shovel that he uses to bury his mom at the end of the song. This could also be why MGK carries a shovel throughout most of the video. Alluding that he is killing Em and going to bury him… (or at least he can hope)

Leave all the Beef to 50… This is referencing the feuds that 50 stood beside Em and ultimately handled himself instead of Em. Basically saying that 50 would be better to handle the beef that Em is.

Referencing Rihanna and Em’s multiple collaboration. Basically that Em is too scared. So scared that he couldn’t even ask for Rihanna number.

Bringing up his baby momma….. I don’t know how I feel about that considering how much Em has already talked about her.

NOW…. lets talk about KillShot!!!!!!

Pretty much everything in this song….. responds directly to MGK’s Rap Devil. So this song is so long….it is kind of hard to post every single response. But I will post some.. and what I think. You can find the actual song on YouTube.

“Rihanna just hit me on a text
Last night I left hickeys on her neck”

This directly responds to MGK saying he was too afraid to ask for Rihanna’s number. Basically saying, he’s not afraid.

“Wait, you just dissed me? I’m perplexed
Insult me in a line, compliment me on the next”

This goes back to what I was saying. MGK would diss him on one line and then compliment him on another like calling him the GOAT.

“Was watchin’ 8 Mile on my NordicTrack”

This goes along with MGK’s line that the last time Em saw 8 Mile was on the treadmill. As NordicTrack is a type of treadmill.

“Stan, Stan, son
Listen, man, Dad isn’t mad”

Basically Em is calling MGK a Stan which is a stalker and fan…. It isn’re realy too far of a reach considering MGK called himself a stan back in 2013.

“But how you gonna name yourself after a damn gun
And have a man-bun?”

While MGK has responded that the ‘man bun’ is because he’s an ‘actor’ and was filming. But this is one of my favorite lines from Killshot.

“Say you got me in a scope, but you grazed me
I say one call to Interscope and you’re Swayze”

This is a direct reference back to Rap Devil where MGK said that he has Em in the scope. I take the Swayze reference as in Patrick Swayze in the movie Ghost. That he would make one phone call to their record label….that they’re both signed to (more on that later) then MGK would be ‘ghost’.

“But you’re a fuckin’ mole hill
Now I’ma make a mountain out of you, woo!”

Have you ever heard the phrase make a mountain out of a mole hill. Basically meaning that you’re making something out of nothing. I take this as saying MGK is nothing. a mole hill. That EM isn’t even worried about him.

“Ho, chill, actin’ like you put the chrome barrel to my bone marrow
Gunner? Bitch, you ain’t a bow and arrow”

This is again going back to the line in Rap Devil claiming that MGK has got Em in his scope. Em is basically saying that he’s not even a gun. He’s a bow and arrow. A weapon that predates the machine gun and is far less lethal. Meaning that Em isn’t worried about MGK because there’s nothing MGK could do to phase Em.

“Are you eating cereal or oatmeal?
What the fuck’s in the bowl, milk? Wheaties or Cheerios?”

So this isn’t really a diss per say. It is more a reference to how the beginning of Rap Devil MGK can be seen eating a bowl of something. Which a lot of fans cannot understand what it actually has to do with the ‘beef’ or the music video at all.

“”Yo, Slim, your last four albums sucked
Go back to Recovery,” oh shoot, that was three albums ago
What do you know? Oops
Know your facts before you come at me, lil’ goof”

Like I said in the Rap Devil….. He wants him to go back to Recovery while also saying to go back 4 albums …. Recovery was 3 albums ago. A simple fact check before writing would have proven beneficial.

“Got more fans than you in your own city, lil’ kiddy, go play
Feel like I’m babysitting Lil Tay”

So saying that he has more fans in MGK’s own city is a direct diss at saying that even his home town like Em more. The Lil Tay references this 9 year old kid who pulled some outlandish stunts for social media. Since MGK said that he needed to read Em a nursery, Em popped off with saying that it is like Em is babysitting MGK, someone puling antics for the attention of the media.
“Got the Diddy okay so you spent your whole day
Shootin’ a video just to fuckin’ dig your own grave
Got you at your own wake, I’m the billy goat”

So basically saying that MGK had to get the okay to record this ‘diss’. While also referencing that MGK called him The GOAT because the Billy Goat is one of the most known goats.

“Bein’ rich-shamed by some prick usin’ my name for clickbait”

So what Em is basically saying is that MGK is only taking the shots….including the ‘sneak diss’ to gain fame for himself. That fans are automatically going to click on it when they hear its about EM. Also, one of the major themes of MGK’s ‘diss’ was that Em is rich….

“Now I gotta cock back, aim
Yeah, bitch, pop Champagne to this! (pop)
It’s your moment
This is it, as big as you’re gonna get, so enjoy it
Had to give you a career to destroy it”

So this goes to the fact that MGK posted a video of him popping champagne when he heard that Em Dropped his name (before he even wrote the ‘diss’) because he has made it very clear that Em is his idol. Em is also saying that because Em has dropped MGK’s name or referrenced him twice now, it is providing MGK with a career… although it is a short one….because Em is destroying it.

“Your red sweater, your black leather
You dress better, I rap better”

This goes to where MGK constantly says he’s tired of the track suits. That he dresses better than Em. Em is acknowledging that MGK might dress better…..but his rap is better.

“Thinks it’s over a pic, I just don’t like you, prick
Thanks for dissing me
Now I had an excuse on the mic to write “Not Alike”
But really, I don’t care who’s in the right
But you’re losin’ the fight you picked:”

Now MGK is constantly saying that this whole ‘beef’ is over the fact that when MGK was 22 he commented on a photo of a 16 year old daughter of Em. Now that would make any dad mad…. here he is saying that comment is not the reason for this. The fact that MGK ‘sneak dissed’ in a Tech N9ne song. But MGK said that its about the photo and majority of everyone believed it.

“I’m sick of you bein’ wack
And still usin’ that mothafuckin’ Auto-Tune
So let’s talk about it (let’s talk about it)”

This is referencing MGK’s chorus where he keeps saying let’s talk about it. Which the chorus used the most autotune for someone who wasn’t even singing….

“I’m sick of your blonde hair and earrings
Just ’cause you look in the mirror and think
That you’re Marshall Mathers (Marshall Mathers)
Don’t mean you are, and you’re not about it”

Em is saying that MGK is just a wanna be him. It’s not the greatest diss line but its still makes you think….is he trying to be him.
Now we’re waiting to see if MGK is going to come back at Killshot… even tho he has posted on social media and on press tours that he’s not even worried about it. But then it was brought to light that the photo of fans sticking their middle fingers up was at a Fall out boy concert and they weren’t privy to why they were asked to do so or the fact that MGK had the shirt on. Some fans tweeted saying he had a sweater on and when he turned toward the camera he removed the sweater to reveal the shirt. To me, that is a little dishonest.

In my personal opinion, and it might be biased because I have liked Em for so long, but I think Em killed it with Killshot. He reerenced pretty much every single thing that MGK threw at him without auto tune, without a chorus, without a hook, in a standard rap battle format.

If you’re up to date on the ‘beef’ or the ‘diss’, let me know what you think.

5 go to meals

So, lets be honest…. we all want to create perfect meals every day and have fantastic, healthy meals for our families. And as a stay at home mom, It is kind of my job to make sure that my family eats 3 square meals a day…. Well sorta. My oldest gets a quick breakfast in the morning because she is not the greatest at waking up for school and then she eats lunch at school and then gets dinner.

And as a parent, there are just some days where I just don’t want to cook or I am too sick or exhausted to craft one of those fantastic meals. So there are usually an arsenal of go to meals that moms, or at least I do, have in our back pocket for these days.

 

One of the biggest go to meals for days that are busy or days where I just don’t feel like spending too much time standing in the kitchen is Spaghetti. It is quick and easy to cook. It takes less than 30 minutes to have a hot and delicious meal on the table. And I usually have 3 variations in my arsenal. There’s regular spaghetti, baked spaghetti and taco spaghetti. It is amazing. And although there are the pasta carb debate going around that too much pasta isn’t health….there are ways that I can sneak health into these meals.  There are noodles that are made out of vegetables. And you cannot tell, or at least my kids can’t when they eat it.

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Another go to meal is hot dog mac and cheese.  Another non healthy meal that some of those parents would never put on the table for the kids.  It is the quickest easiest meal that my kids love. It is extremely simple and literately 2 ingredients. Takes less than 20 minutes to get on the plate. Its Mac and cheese, which I use Velveeta I love the ooey gooey cheese rather than the powder, and hotdogs. It couldn’t be more simple. We don’t eat it very often but when I have had one of those days, this is one of the meals my kids ask for.

Most people do Taco Tuesday. I do Taco Pizza. It is simple and a hit. Especially with the husband. It is simple and I can put it all together in 30 mins or less. It is crescent rolls pinched together to fit my pizza pan. Covered with refried beans, taco meat, diced tomatoes, onions, bell peppers and cheese. It tastes amazing and is easier than it actually sounds.

My favorite go to meal when its cold and we’re feeling under the weather is Potato Soup. It is creamy and yummy and honestly the hardest part is peeling and cutting the potatoes. And I can cook and dice up cauliflower and broccoli and sneak it into the soup without my family really knowing. It is so good that I usually eat so much that I fall into a food coma. Honestly the best thing in the world. I absolutely love it.

My 5th go to meal would have to be pizza. If I am under the weather or just not in the mood to cook….we usually order in. But If I want to include my kids, which I try to do often because our oldest just adores cooking and watches the cooking shows, we make homemade stuff crust pizza. This is a go to meal because I don’t have to do much, my daughter does.

 

These are my five go to meals…. what are yours?

Generation Rx review

I have been listening to Good Charlotte for at least 13 years now if not more. I remember being in 7th grade when Chronicles of Life and Death came out and I just had to have the death version of the album. This was back when an artist actually put a lot of love an attention on their albums. I listened to that album all the time and still do. Emotionless makes me cry since I am from a broken home with a father that never really cared about his kids. Good Charlotte is one of the many bands that I have been listening to for a very long time.  I remember when The Anthem came out. I remember watching their music videos on MTV. I love this band and I was always infatuated with Joel Madden. He’s just so darn cute.  So since they dropped a new album this week, I thought I would review it for you guys. Let you know what I think, what I hear etc.

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The Madden brothers said: “Our generation was the first to have so many ways to deal with pain. Throughout this century, we’ve seen the whole opioid crisis get worse. We wondered if we were really doing our part. We wanted to bet back out there on the battlefield and spread insight, share experience, and give anything we could to improve lives. The message is you can get through the pain, survive it, and have the life you want.”

Joel Madden explained to Kerrang: “All of us self-medicate in some way with something, I watch young kids today and feel for them, I understand the pain almost more than they do, because I got through to the other side of it. What this record is about is sparking that conversation.”

I think the reason for this album is something that needs to be said today. It really needs to be spoken about more. There have been many discussions about suicide and mental health issues going on lately and I think Good Charlotte putting it into music is fantastic.

So first up is one of their ‘instrumental’ type of introductions. My favorite one is on the Life and Death CD. It had the essence of Tim Burton.

Very mysterious introduction to an album which is what I love from this band. I love how it slowly grows in intensity. It kind of prepares you for the rest of the album. The whispering in the background throughout the beginning is wonderful and mysterious. Unlike the Chronicles album, You actually hear the band singing and playing in this song. The drum is fabulous. It makes you want to move with the beat. Strong. Joel has amazing vocals. I have always thought so.

“Where does all this pain come from?
Where does it hide?
Where does it go?
Looking in the dark I couldn’t see it
Are we divine?
Are we alone?”

Self help is the second song off the album.

“I felt too bad about myself
I never thought I was good enough for anybody else
I couldn’t look love in the eye
I was too broken to try
Life was a cold song that taught me not to cry”

I love how the beginning kind of reminds me of their songs from Good Morning Revival. But then Joel Screams. and I just fan girl it all the way out. The beat is strong and wonderful. I love it. The music doesn’t over power the lyrics and that is what is important for this album. I read somewhere the GC wanted to make this album because of what has been happening lately. The world has lost a lot of wonderful artists.

The part where they sing “I’m looking for a reason to believe” reminds me of We Believe from the Chronicles album.

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I love how the guitar is so strong and then abruptly stops it is so classic GC.  I love how they grow yet stay true to who they have always been. You have seen way too many bands becoming too main stream and sound like other bands. Not GC, they are still themselves its amazing.

Shadowboxer is the third song on the album and some of the lyrics I like are:

“All your little shameful looks
Were buried in my heart like hooks
I didn’t want to be here
You told me I was evil
And when I finally ran away
Just trying to escape that pain
I wanted to believe I belonged somewhere on my own”

This song has a very strong introduction. This album seems to be a little heavier than their previous albums but the lyrics are what matters the most. It seems like every song I have listened to on this album have spoken to me. To what I have been thru. What I think when my anxiety is bad. This is an album that I think is fantastic. I am so glad they came out of ‘retirement’ to bring us this. The beat is just right the power of the lyrics are there. They always seem to deliver to their fans. They have stayed true to their fans. They always provide something we can relate to. A way to deal with our pain and anguish. To deal with the voices in our head. This song is for you. For each and every one of you. You are not alone. And Good Charlotte is proving that you are not alone. At all.

I have never heard Joel scream like that, it is giving me early Three Days Grace and early Breaking Benjamin feels. I love it. Gives me chills.

Actual pain was one of their first singles off this album. I heard it about a month ago. I haven’t really been on my Youtube lately because my kids watch it so much. I usually go on to review what they have been watching and well basically to make sure its kid appropriate like the kid channel (mind you, my kids are only allowed on YouTube once they have done homework and chores)
“I’m too scared to look behind that door
I put my trust in all my faith
And every word between us spoken
Why do I believe the things you say
When my heart’s already broken?”

Introduction is nice, its not too overbearing. I like the build up. The music video is interesting. Since it is one of the first videos from the album it is nice to see how the members look especially since like 13 years ago  me and my 3 friends were obsessed with them. They have aged very well. I love the build up to the chorus. Its strong. Different. The flash of skulls gives the songs a kind of dark feel which is great, visually. It kind of gives the song that feeling that this is more than what meets the eye. I love the vocals in the background towards the end, it accompanies the music greatly. Makes you want to move along to the beat. I do think that the music is a little louder than the vocals. Not so much so that you can’t hear the lyrics. But enough so that you’re not really paying attention to what is being said. So far that is my only complaint about this song.

“And we would lay awake at night
Looking at the stars, thinking of the ones we’ve lost
And wonder where they are
When we lit another candle, she asked me who’s to blame”

I think this is a great song. It isn’t necessarily saying that there is no God. It is just one of those things that when we see all the bad in the world it makes some question the existence of an entity known as God.  It is something people fight with in their mind so much. It is one of the greatest debates of faith. I don’t think that this song is trying to make you believe that there is no God. It is simple verbalizing an internal argument that many are too afraid to say. It is like I say all the time, music says the things that our hearts are too afraid to mutter.

The tempo and sound of this song are different than the ones prior. It does pick up the pace just slightly about twenty seconds into the song. This song focus more on the lyrics and Joel’s vocals. Which they are amazing. I am not too sure about the computerized high pitch behind Joel’s vocals. He doesn’t need any help.

“I want you to know, you’re not alone
Everything you are and everything you’re not
When happiness dies and the pain, it will come
Life’s funny, it’s a game we play
You know we run”

I love the piano on this song. It is a welcoming change from the rest of the album. And the focus on Joel’s vocals overpowering everything in the beginning is fabulous. The guitar is great as well. The lyrics are phenomenal. I think this is one of those songs that many will be able to relate to. It builds up so fantastically. The guitar solo is one of my favorite parts of this song. It well executed and well timed. It provides a new element for this song.

“Father
Locked out
You gave me your demons
You weren’t around”

I am not sure who Sam Carter is. But this song has a heavier feel than the rest of the album. I looked up Sam Carter, I haven’t heard of him before, but I know he is a British Guitarist. And I think he provided a great element to this song. It might not be my favorite on the album but the instrumental of the song is great.

“I’m just holding on to my better demons
And I really need them not to fail me now
I speak in tongues but I can never free them
And my spirit weakens but I won’t back down”

I am not too keen on the introduction. I understand it for the story telling but because I have my volume up to soak in all the GC goodness, it kind of hurt my ears. I like the music on this one The drums and the guitars. It is a nice song. It has a decent tempo. I still don’t know about the ‘news’ part of the intro and ending. It’s just not really my forte. But I do love the guitar on this track how its louder at one part of the song in the left speaker and the drums in are more in the right speaker. It gives it a unique kind of feel.

“Just forget the ones who let you go
Forget the ones too scared to know you”

This song reminds me of the Madden Brothers album that they put out a few years ago. Just Joel and Benji. It’s kind of laid back and chill all the while still holding to their sound. Just the right amount of bass and heaviness. It is a great song and a great way to end the album. It is like they’re telling everyone of their fans that they love them. That they understand what they’ve been thru, what they’re going thru. But that the fans can always count on them. I love that about them.

 

I knew this album was coming out…. I knew it was coming in September. I didn’t know it was coming so soon. And with Hurricane Florence hitting, I didn’t pay attention until it popped across my phone that Good Charlotte had a new album. Honestly, listening to it and review it has been a great distraction from the anxiety that is a hurricane. I hope you at least give each song a try and let me know down below in the comments what you think.