Favorite thing about blogging

There are many blogs on the internet. Way too many than you could possibly read in one single day. And this is one of the reason why I was nervous about starting my own blog. Would anyone read it? Would anyone care about what I had to say? But I took the jump. I started less than a year ago. October-ish to be exact. And in that small time frame….I’ve gained over 200 followers and I am completely baffled how so many of you actually care about what I say. Not that it is a bad thing. What I mean is that I am baffled that I actually have followers. I am the type of person who would never think that anyone would care about what I have to say.

Which is one of the things that I love about blogging. I can say what I want. I can pour my heart out about my situations about my life. About my mental illness. I can get my emotions out there in a format that is available for anyone who wants to read. I am apart of the process to getting mental illness spoken about without any stigma. I know we still have a long way to go. But I am proud to be one of those who actually say’s ‘screw what they say, I am going to put it out there anyway’. Which if you know me…..is a very scary thing for me to do.

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I love that, although I know I should, I don’t have to write here like I am writing a college  paper. I know that if I want to be taken more seriously, I should write better. But here at my blog I can just type what I think and even though it is not written in a professional manner…..It is there.

I love that I have followers who are more than just followers. Every time one of you comments saying things like ‘I completely understand’ or ‘I’ve been there’ etc…. you all have been more than just my followers. You have been a friend. A kind and understanding friend. It truly means a lot to me since I grew up in a small town where if you had a mental illness, you were cast aside.

I love that I can write about everything that is going on in my life. I love that I can share my feelings with the world without being made to feel that I am being over dramatic. Or just too emotional.

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So if you are one the fence about wanting to start a blog. Just know that it can be very rewarding. It can be an emotional escape for you. You may even find people out there who feel the same exact way that you do. It is worth a try. Even if you don’t become one of those successful bloggers who makes a substantial living off blogging….it is still worth the try. It allows you to express yourself.

My 16 year old self

If I could write a  note to my 16 year old self….what would I say?

I would tell myself not to date that one guy. That even though I felt like I could save him, I would just hurt myself worse in the process. And that you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. To not waste almost 2 years on him. To hold out. To wait. Because the one I was meant to be would be coming into my life soon enough.

I would tell myself not to be selfish. That my mom didn’t have to buy me everything every time she got paid. That it would save my brother and mom’s relationship if I was less selfish. I would tell myself that I didn’t need new cd’s or movies etc.

I would tell myself to not get too emotionally involved with everyone. Because in a few short years, they would be no where to be found.  I would tell myself that things are going to get worse….but in 10 years they’ll be better than I could have imagined then.

I would tell my 16 year old self to inform my mom to not let my oldest brother to move in with us because it was just a catalyst for all the bad things that came about.  I would tell my 16 year old self that being true to myself is better than making people happy even if it meant having no friends.

 

I would tell my 16 year old self that the high school drama extends way past high school. That my future in laws would be just as bad as teenagers in the drama department.  I would tell my 16 year old self to reach out to my childhood crush. To maybe be a friend to him and listen. Because he had so much more going on in his life up to his death that maybe he just needed someone. I would tell my 16 year old self to ALWAYS go to the hospital with my cousin whenever he needed to go. That maybe if he had someone he there, maybe someone could have gotten help and he’d still be here.

I would tell my 16 year old self that in ten years time…. I would have 2 beautiful girls, an AMAZING husband and the support of my brother sister mother and mother in law. That it might have taken time but we will be alright.

I would tell my 16 year old self that the anxiety that I had just gotten diagnosed with (at 16) doesn’t just go away. That it will get worse before we get even a minor handle on it.

 

I would tell my 16 year old self to not give up. To keep fighting.

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Bad habits

 

I have had many bad habits in my  relatively short 20 some years of living.  Many of which I gave up without hesitation. However, there is one habit that is the hardest to kick.

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It use to be just Dr Pepper. But it has since grown to include other soda’s like Mt Dew Code Red and Pepsi Cherry Vanilla.

I have been drinking soda since I was 8 or so. Yeah I know its unhealthy. Yes I know a child shouldn’t be drinking soda. That is also why the only time my kids drink soda is when they’re sick. I’ll mix sprite with pedialite. The bubbles settle their stomach and the pedialite gives them back the electrolytes they’re missing from being sick.

I have tried to stop drinking soda. It was awful.  Caffeine withdraws are awful. I get a migraine. And it only stops when I get more caffeine. I’ve tried waiting it out for a few days. But then I just want more caffeine. So when I slip, I become more addicted to it than before.

Now I have tried to substitute coffee and tea for the caffeine that I am missing by not drinking soda…. However, that only last for so long. I grow tired of tea and coffee. Which is very weird because I am from the South. We bleed sweet tea.

So I can doubt that I will get this habit completely gone.  However, I have found a solution. I can drink my soda….as long as I get my daily water intake in as well. So that makes it a little healthier because I am trying to reach a goal of drinking 64 fl oz of water a day. Thats the 8 cups that are recommended.  So I have these 30 fl oz bottle of Core water. So I can drink 2 of those a day and then 4 oz more and will be at that goal. So in between my water I can have a small can of soda. That way it’s kind of balancing out.

 

Or at least that is what I tell myself so I won’t feel so bad about my bad habit.

 

What habits do you have? Why won’t you give them up?

Green Day

 

I have been a Green Day Fan since forever. I remember listening to Basket Case and When I come Around when I was in elementary school. I loved the sound. I loved the look. And I loved BJA (Billy Joe Armstrong). Unlike most little kids my age…. I followed the group all the way up until now. I still love Green Day. I love the Kill the DJ song even though I cannot play it around my kids. I love the way it makes me feel. I love how when I am cleaning… I can put them on and just jump around. No matter what mood I am in… I can put them on and jump around.

So before my husband and I got married…. we made a deal. I had been to 3 wrestling events as a child. Well my husband, a big fan, had never been to a live event. EVER. So they were coming to our state which made my husband very excited. We had a deal…if I took him to see WWE he would have to take me to a concert. At the time I really wanted to go to an Usher concert since at that time I had had a crush on him for 13 years. but that feeling changed. Especially when I heard that Green Day was making new music and would be going on tour.

 

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Seeing Green Day was something that I always wanted to do but didn’t think too much of it or that I would ever have the chance. There is nothing like seeing a band that you love live. The feeling that you get cannot be explained.

I was looking forward to this concert forever. I mean literally forever. We bought the tickets for the September show in March. So we had a long wait. And we took my nephew with us because he’s a big Green Day fan as well. So the closer it got, the more excited I was. I just couldn’t wait.

I even went as far as to find the set list that they played at this tour and made a playlist of it so that I could listen to every single song they were going to be playing.

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We were estatic. We had everything planned out. However, there is just something that always seems to happen when you’re looking forward to an event. This stop for their tour happened to be in September. Which also happens to be the hurricane season. And what do you know. That specific day we got crazy amount of rain.

As I was sitting in the car pool like waiting to pick the kids up from school…. I could just see the clouds growing darker and my anxiety growing higher. Then the wind started to pick up and I got even more anxious. 2:30 came and there was no school bell. There was no kids or teachers coming to the cars. There was nothing. Except for a phone call stating that the area was under a Tonado Warning and that the kids were to remain in the school until the warning had been lifted. But that we could also come inside the school and sign our kids out if we wanted to. Which was a crappy way to put it because once you went inside to get your kids….they made you feel like crap for taking the kids out into this weather. But I already spent a lot of money on this concert and there was no way that I was going to miss it. So with my brothers consent, I went in and got the kids.

The concert was unfortunately 2 hours away. And I have this crazy thing about me having to drive whenever we go anywhere. My husband is a good driver, don’t get me wrong. He just has a heavy foot. And honestly anyone but my driving scares the crap out of me. So when I am not driving, I’m anxious. So there I was, driving 2 hours to our state capital in a hurricane to see Green Day.

What they didn’t tell me when I bought the tickets was that it was an outdoor theater. Luckily, since I was so excited about this trip and the fact that it was my birthday present and apart of the deal that I had with my husband about taking him to see WWE he would take me to the concert. I bought tickets that was closer to the stage so we were actually under the shelter. And it rained pretty much the whole concert.

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Because it was Green Day… I didn’t mind driving in the rain. Waiting in line in the rain or driving home in the rain. This concert was one in a million. The band gave the performance of a lifetime. I absolutely adored it. I sang every single word to every single song

First TV series

As a part of my journal process to a better me, a better mental health and a better grasp on my anxiety disorder I cannot just write about what makes me tick. Simply because it could lead to me going in circles only thinking about what my anxiety is, what it does to my life and never getting out of this dark gloomy circle. So what better topic than to write about the first TV series that I watched from start to finish.

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If that little gif doesn’t tell you about the first show I watched from start to finish….well then you might not have ever seen the show Charmed. It came out in 98-99 I believe. I happened on it by chance. I was actually a few episode late but I watched reruns. I was sick one day and my mom was tired from working a late shift so she told me to lay on the couch and watch TV. If I felt too sick, to wake her. But when she went to take a nap, I didn’t have a fever anymore and I wasn’t puking in awhile. So, I got to spend my day sipping soup and fluids watching TV. If you’re a kid, you know that kiddy cartoons are only on for so long. Since I couldn’t find any cartoons that I hadn’t seen more than once or that could keep my attention, I decided to start channel surfing. Which I actually have a really bad habit of because I was never a fan of commercials.

Then I happened on this show. It was strange, it was different. It was GIRL POWER. It had me hooked from the very beginning. I mean what little girl doesn’t love a show where the girl is the badass and the guy is usually the damsel in distress. I loved it and Leo. I loved the Piper and Leo love story and how they were destined to be together, no matter what destiny threw at them. And I always wanted to find my Leo……spoiler alert… I did.

I remember waiting for the episodes all the time. I couldn’t be bothered. And if for some reason I didn’t get to see it, I watched the reruns. or found some other way to find it. I actually didn’t mind when Prue left and Paige came in. I mean Prue’s death and the way it hit Piper really hit me hard and made me cry. Charmed was the first show that made me cry. Like bawl my eyes out for a fictional character death.

Well then in the later seasons, the future kids came into play. Who didn’t have a crush on the Future Chris and Future Wyatt.

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Yeah I was your typical teenage girl with a crush on Drew Fuller and Wes Ramsey. This show was everything I could ever ask for in a show. And I hated when it ended. So I desperately wanted the DVD set. So that I could watch it whenever I wanted. But I could only find the first season at a cheap price. So I watched it on TNT in the mornings when  I could. Then Netflix came about and they had all the seasons on there. I remember when I first got a Netflix account….it was the first thing that I watched. Over and Over and Over.

 

So what is the first show that you watched….start to finish? Do you still watch it? What made you like it so much?