How you see yourself

 

Maya Angelo provided us with a vast amount of great words. I don’t think I have heard anything from her that didn’t resonate on a deeper level. I mean this woman is brilliant. I love her. I remember reading ‘I know why the caged bird sings’ in middle school and thinking this….this is a woman who uses her words in such an elegant way. I was captivated.

However, this quote. This quote is so powerful. And so meaningful. yet it is something that can be so hard for someone like me.

You see…. My anxiety and depression turns what should be a nice self esteem into the worst possible form of hatred possible. I look in the mirror and see my gobble neck. My double chin. My fat cheeks. My messed up smile. My cellulite thighs and butt. The massive amount of fat that lies on my thighs and butt. My jiggly belly. My scratchy not female voice. My weird toes. The way I don’t like having my toe nails unpolished if I am wearing flip flops and the way that all of this has made me unable to actually take the time to paint my toes….

 

Being a mom…. makes these thoughts even worse.  Why? well because I know if I walk around my house saying how ugly I am or how fat I am or how much weight I need to lose to be normal in society, My little girls are going to hear it. And do I really want them to hear me and think this is how we’re supposed to think of ourselves??? No. I don’t. I want them to look in the mirror and be proud of the way the look both inside and out. I don’t want them to see me nit picking everything I hate about myself and decide it is okay to copy it. Because it is not. I grew up in the 90’s before we had the plus size being ok. Every where you looked. The perfect girl was tall, stick thin and blonde. While I on the other hand was never going to be tall was never stick thin, I have always been a little plump no matter how much exercise I got and it wasn’t eating too much because I was poor….one time we only had potatoes to  eat. Now I was blonde but not beach blonde like all the models. No I was what my mom called dish water blonde. That kind of color that isn’t blonde but isn’t brown. That in between color. I never had a face where my cheek bones shined thru or waist so small, legs so skinny. I was never what the magazines portrayed as pretty.

So when the first plus size started getting attention I was like YESSS. But that still didn’t make me feel any better about myself.

It is a long journey. I am still trying to like myself. I need to lose the baby weight. But I am taking it one day at a time. It keeps fluctuating which is frustrating and depressing. I am still 60 pounds away from my pre kid weight. I mean when I was in high school weight. But I also know that for some people losing weight after the first kid is easier than after the second kid. So I got that struggle going on.

But the one thing I refuse to do….. Is speak all these insecurities in front of my girls. Yes, momma might not like the weight or the way her body looks. But I would never want my kids to think that is normal. It is something that is a constant struggle for me. But I don’t want to pass that struggle on to my kids.

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Work and anxiety

 

Okay so I have been looking for a job from home for a few months and ironically last month I got one. I was so shocked and excited. It felt like the miracle that we need. I started getting a little anxious because it would be a change for my kids since for the past 2 and a half years they have been use to mommy being there the entire time.

But this anxiety did not outweigh the need that I need to provide some type of financial input in my family because not doing so makes me even more anxious. The girls will still have me in the morning and their daddy in the evening. I figured we would and could figure this all out.

So training was supposed to start last week. I got thru day one and was annoyed because a lot of the other people in training were not able to get find what they needed and it took four hours to learn how to clock in. So that kind of annoyed me. But I am an inpatient person. But I was fine. I was excited to be working again. I was even more excited that I was able to do so at home.

So the second day comes and my karma for being annoyed in the first day and now I have internet issues. It completely shuts down and shuts me out of training. It took me an hour to get it back running and then I couldn’t get back into training because the time frame to access it….was over. So then the teacher calls and she’s not happy with me. And then she makes sure to tell me it was a one time courtesy that my training would be rescheduled for this week.

Fine. That is just fine. I got paid for the two days that I tried and everything. Alright. So now I had the whole weekend to get geared up for training to start again. Got the computer up the headsets up. Tested my internet speeds a million times. Everything is good. Comes time for the meeting to start. I can get in and see everyone there.

But.

I cannot connect to the audio for anything. I literally spent 2 hours on the phone with the technical department and they could not see why it would not do anything. My head set was working. My computer was acknowledging the headset but the Webinar was not allowing me to connect.

So.

My instructor blamed my computer or my headset. I tried both usb headsets that I own and they both work but still couldn’t connect. So she calls me and tells me as a courtesy I can rejoin again tomorrow. But I should take my computer to the shop and get it looked at. That it was my fault.

So she clocks me out for the day

And I feel like a complete failure.

And I am so going to get fired because for some awful reason I cannot seem to be able to get thru training.

I thought this was my miracle.

I thought this was going to be good.

I thought this was going to save me from actually working with people in retail so that I won’t be so dang anxious all the time.

I guess I was wrong.

 

Toxic People

Okay so yesterday I posted about how my FIL has decided to show who he really is….

Although it is new to me, it is not new to anyone else that knows him. Like His son and ex. So maybe I should have listened almost a decade (ish) ago when my husband said he doesn’t really care to have a relationship with his father.

My bad.

I didn’t have a father. So I thought if my husband has the opportunity to have a relationship with his…he should take it…

it totally backfired in my face.

Joy.

But after the fall out that happened at my youngest daughters birthday party via text messages with my FIL…. he had decided to stop talking to me. I even sent him a simple text about apologies and haven’t heard anything from him. And that was almost a week ago.

Honestly, I don’t care. So he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.

That is just fine. I no longer have to deal with him. or worry about what I should or shouldn’t say in front of him. Or try not to offend him since we do not have the same religion.

It is so much easier when toxic people stop talking to you… it is like the trash taking itself out…. As in I didn’t have to do anything in regards to the disconnection of communication.

But they are still bothering my husband so I do still have to deal with it a little bit 😦

People don’t change

This is something that I am finding to be true in regards to my in laws. I swear they are acting extremely childish and even going as far as saying ‘I will see you’ like what in the world.

All because we have stopped catering to their wants of only seeing the oldest child when and how they want. It is unfair to our younger kid and they do not even recognize that they are doing it. They actually have turned it around and blaming our oldest kid, that because she has come to me and saying that she knows that she is their favorite is why we’re being this way. Mind you she came to me way after I called them out on it. I hadn’t even mentioned it to her. But she had been asking and talking about favorites for a few days so…. it make sense.

But I cannot actually say that my father in law has changed. Because well my husband isn’t surprised about this. My mother in law, my FIL ex, isn’t surprised bout the way that they’re acting.

However, to me, since our youngest was born, it is completely new. I mean when our oldest was born, she was the light of his life. I swear he was the most doting grandfather I have seen and I haven’t really seen many grandfathers since both of mine passed away before I was 9. I mean he was always taking pictures of her. He was always texting about her, even when I was pregnant. He wanted to know how she was doing. How the pregnancy was going etc. When she turned one he wanted to take her to his house to the park out to eat show her off to his family EVERYTHING.

But nothing about the second kid. He never even asked to take her anywhere. At all. Not even when she turned one. it was like she doesn’t matter. And since I was the favorite out my siblings. I know how much resentment can build up over one child being a favorite over the other so I am very against this happening. So of course I call him on it. and well all of this has happened.

To top it off….. he has even questioned the manlyness of my husband. Implying that I am taking my husbands phone and texting him…..when I have my own phone and no desire of taking my husbands.

But this is all new to me. But It isn’t new for him to be this way. Everyone else isn’t surprised. He hasn’t changed. He has just revealed himself for who he really is. And now I wish I didn’t waste all my time catering to him over the years because now…. we’re apparently ‘dancing with the devil’ because we have stopped letting them see the girls until they apologize for being disrespectful to us as the kids’ parents.

Live in a madhouse

 

I live in a madhouse run by a tiny army that I made myself. Well of course my husband helped.

 

That is just a way to describe the daily life when you have two young kids. What made things worse was that my brother went on his anniversary vacation a few weeks ago and I was the one to watch his two kids. A pre pre-teen boy, a boy the same age as my daughter, then my two. So there were four kids in my house. Luckily we could easily turn the play room into the guest room. So it was easy to have them stay over.

However, it made for a very long weekend. And a very messy house.

Luckily for me, 3 of them are of an age that I could have them clean up themselves. Which was done quite frequently because I am not a fan of a messy house.

But when you think about it, yes adults run the house. However, the kids really call the shots.

Now before you sit there and huff or puff or blow your screen away. Think about it from a parental view.

When you want to do something like going out or going away. You think about how it will affect the kid, especially if you’re not taking them with you. You think about who will watch them. Who will have their best interest at heart. When you’re in the grocery store, you think about the groceries that they need. The clothes they need. The shoes that they need. You think about what they will or will not eat. You think about what they need. You make renovations to your home to ensure that they remain safe like cupboard locks or toilet locks. Many baby proofing things. You purchase the perfect essential car seats. You make sure they have all of their school supplies. You rearrange your schedule to ensure that they get to and from school, that you attend special events like plays or field days.

When you have a kid. Your life becomes that kid. It doesn’t even matter how old they are. My mom still worries about all of her kids and her oldest is 30 something.

So although it is your house and you pay the bills. The kids run the place…. The tiny little army that you created. Just don’t let them know that.