Don’t call me a SAHM

 

Don’t get me wrong. I loved being a stay at home mom. Like really loved it. It was the best thing for me at that time and for what we were going thru.

However, I wanted to get a job so that we could have a little more spending money. So I got a job. Yes, it is a work from home job. But it is still work.

When you tell anyone you’re a stay at home mom, there is a lot of heat. A lot of hate. A lot of judgement and you’re looked down upon.

I’ve seen it first hand on many occasions. A lot of people thought that all I did was sit on my behind watching tv….all day long. And it infuriated me. To no end.

Seriously.

When I was pregnant with my youngest. It was a rough pregnancy. Really rough and high risk. The doctor told me on many occasions that I needed to sit down with my feet up as much as possible.

Well it helped that I wasn’t working at that time and that I was a SAHM.

But what people didn’t realize is that I had a 4 year old at home and my husband worked almost 12 plus hours 5 to 6 days a week. So he couldn’t actually make sure that I was resting and he couldn’t exactly work all of those hours, get adequate sleep, spend time with his kid and handle the housework. There was just no way that I could be the bed rest type of pregnant with everything that was going on.

So while I was supposed to be off my feet as much as possible for my health and my unborn child’s help. I wasn’t. And that is okay. I really loved being able to make sure that everything was taken care of, bill wise, errands and food. I still love doing that. I clean all the time. I am the sole cooker in the family. I love cooking. I love spending time with my kids. I love making sure that my husband can rest after he’s had a long rough day at work.

I love being a mom. And I love being a mom that’s home. Because when I did work outside of the home…. I was rarely home. Things were very hectic and my oldest barely saw either of her parents. When I told her I was going back to work…..she cried. Because she didn’t want to have to go without seeing me like she did when she was younger. It really broke me for her to remember how little she saw me. However, I reassured her that it is from home. That I can still see her a lot. That it won’t be like the last time. That it will only be for a little bit a day.

That made her okay with the transition.

So why do I not want to be called a Stay at home mom????

It is simple. Everyone thinks that stay at home moms do NOTHING all day. They think that we’re lazy. What’s worse is that there are some people that assume that you’re from the 1950’s wearing pleated skirts and that your whole entire life is dedicated to your husband first your kids second and then your home.

I am sorry. I don’t know how many times that I have heard something to that extent of ‘Isn’t that what a wife is SUPPOSED to do’….. Supposed to?!? Really?

No. I stay at home because I want to. Because we were able to afford it. Because it made sense with everything that was going on at the time. Not because I was supposed to

When you get married you go from I to we. You go from fighting alone to being a team. We are a team, my husband and I. We work together. There is no one that pulls more weight than the other. There is no his money or my money. There are no his chores or my chores. There is our money, our problems, our chores. OUR.

I don’t want to be called a stay at home mom because I am tired of being placed into this ridiculous box of a stereotype that is no longer relevant.

I am a mom. That is my greatest achievement and that is what I will be called from now on. If anyone wants to challenge it….and try to call me a stay at home mom. I will kindly educate them on how woman are more than what they are assuming.

Have you ever asked a mom what she does in a day? It is way more than just sitting on their behind all day.

There is the school year. Which tends to be more hectic than school vacations. Especially when your kid wears glasses because sometimes they might forget their glasses. In which you’ll have to drive back to the school to drop them off and if you have a toddler at home you have to load them in and out of the car. There are lunches, homework, field trips, fundraiser, after school events, conferences, eating lunch at school with them. There are so many things that you do with school its not even funny.

And that is not including if your kid is a car rider because you have to drop them off and pick them back up.

Food. If you have a toddler at home you have 3 meals a day that you must prepare. Two of which the other kid isn’t home for. Then there are snack time. You have to get the toddler down for their nap and try to teach them something new. Because you want your kid to be ahead of the game. Even if its just the ABC’s. I, at least, try every single day to try to teach something to my kids. During the summer, my oldest has ‘homework’ where she has to read or do some simple math problems.

There are always some type of errand to run, some bill to pay. Groceries to shop for. Doctor visits. Cleaning is a daily thing if you don’t have kids. But if you have kids it is more like an hourly thing. Especially with a 2 year old.

As a mom, you kiss boo boo’s, you look for monsters. You read stories. You are the first point of contact with the kids. Or at least my kids. They will pass their daddy to ask me first.

I am way more than a stay at home mom.

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Taking the pacifier

So I have yet to see a baby that has not ever had a pacifier. At some point in time. My oldest made things so easy. She took herself of the pacifier when she was six months. No lie. One day she just didn’t want it anymore. And that was it. No more pacifier. But she did have a security stuffed animal that she used whenever she was teething.

It was amazing.

And I had hopes that it would be that easy for the second child to do the same.

But boy was I wrong. Taking the pacifier away from the baby was a very long and rough road. It was incredibly difficult and time consuming.

However, it also wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be when I look back at it. Whenever the pacifier would disappear, she would throw the worst fit until we would go find them. And it wasn’t always the easiest tasks because she is good at losing things and being a baby she couldn’t exactly always remember where they were.

We went about it in such a way that was strenuous. We would talk about taking it away and that was just it. We kept talking about it. We didn’t actually act on it til I just was done and hid it. I put it up where she couldn’t see it but also where I could get to it if I broke down and gave it back.

She was almost two when I took it away. And I really wanted to do it soon because I didn’t want the pacifier to cause her teeth to deform. I was really lucky that she didn’t start sucking her thumb because that would cause a deformity as well. However, she has started biting her nails….which isn’t bad but isn’t good either.

 

So I had one kid who willingly quit using the pacifier at 6  months and then I had one kid who had to have the pacifier hidden away at about 18 months.

 

So when do you think the pacifiers should be taken away?

Being a WFH mom

 

So I just recently found a job where I get to work from home. The only problem is that I cannot have any background noises when I am taking calls. So I have to hibernate for 5-6 hours a day in my room 5 days a week.

Which will be fine.

It will be okay.

I sound a little unsure because this is the first time I am going back to work in a few years. So I am very nervous about it. But I need to go back to work. So here we are.

 

However, being a WFH mom has so many benefits it is ridiculous. I cannot believe I actually found one.

1.) Saving money

Working from home saves so much money in the long run. The last job I had was a call center. I had to get up by 7 in the morning and take my kid to my mothers by 7:30, and be at my desk clocked in ready to take phone calls at 8 in the morning. So I lived a few miles if that away from my job so the gas wouldn’t be so bad. However, I had to go to my mothers which was a little farther from where I was working. And I was paying my mother at that time to watch my kid. Not a whole lot. Not as much as I would have to pay a day care service.  I was spending 20 a week on gas if not more depending on if I had errands during lunch or not. Then I was paying my mom about 100 every two weeks. so a month of work would cost me $280

So working from home allows me to not have to drive anywhere. And my mom comes over all the time anyway so she just comes over when I have to go into the room with the door closed and makes sure no one gets hurt. She gets free dinner.

2.) No dress code

Now my last job didn’t have a strict dress code persay so I usually just put some jeans on and a decent tshirt and headed off to work. And the code was a little more slack on weekends so if I was working the weekend I would wear my stretchy lazy pants. But I had to buy dress clothes for the interview. And because I am a tomboy, I had to update my wardrobe to a more casual work attire rather than band shirts and worn out jeans. So that was another cost that I had to endure.

However, yesterday I mowed half my yard (That’s all I had time for) and was able to go take a shower right before work and ….. put on my pj’s for work. I got to work a 5 hour shift in my pajamas. And no one knew. And no one cared. Because my PJ’s do not affect my ability to work in any way. It is really nice not to have to wear jeans every day.

3.) I am HOME

So at my last job, if there was an emergency… I had to go to my manager and then my supervisor and hope that they understand and let me leave without any issues. This was not always the case. Sometimes, I would get a 10 min lecture about how this will give me a point and so many points will cause me to lose my job and is it really an emergency that I have to leave for. One time I left because my husband was hurt. I didn’t get home til an hour after he called me because my supervisor (who happened to be related to my husband) didn’t understand why I had to go make sure my husband was okay.

Being a WFH mom, if there is an emergency. I AM HOME. I am right here. I simply just send an email to my manager and I leave. Yes it will hurt my attendance, but life happens and the company I work for understands that. I don’t have to try to get off and then try to make it home in a speedy manner without getting pulled over. I am home. I can literally go out of the room to assist with whatever happens.

 

There are so many other benefits to being home that I just cannot put into words at the moment. It is crazy. I love it. The only downside is that my internet could go down or I could get cabin fever. I am also sitting for a long period which I was use to years ago but the past 2 and a half years, I barely sit for too long. But those are the only ones that I can think of right now.

 

But maybe I am just so excited because I am just starting out in my job…. maybe my thought process will change once I have worked there for awhile. Who knows.

Don’t work for me

 

So Yoga is the newest health trend going on recently. Or at least what I have seen. It is like everywhere I turn, someone is doing yoga, thinking about yoga, or suggesting yoga.

Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with Yoga. I like it. I really do. I try to do it every day. It is great for my sore back and hips. It really stretches the joints out that are stiff. It is great.

However, I cannot do yoga for my mental health.

Whenever I try to explain to someone that I have anxiety with a slight depression, there is always someone who thinks that I should try yoga and meditation to relax and clear my mind.

Oh how I wish.

How I really wish that I could clear my mind. I wonder how it feels to have nothing going on up there. I have tried meditation. I have tried only thinking about my breathing. I have tried to not think about everything else.

I have tried.

But yoga and meditation just don’t work for me. At all. I am either thinking about my kids. Or some other random thought just randomly slips into my mind. There is no end to the constant turning of wheels in my head.

 

Time out

So, there are so many discussions and arguments on how you should be a parent. How you should raise your kid. If you’re a punishment type parent, you’re wrong. If you’re a loving no punishment type parent, you’re wrong. There are just so many people who will butt into your life and your parenting that it will make your head spin. I mean these people will butt in without you asking for their help.

And low and behold, if you spank your child and people find out. Be prepared for some soul who thinks they know what is right and how to be the perfect parent….they’ll most like call child protective services.

Because everyone knows how to parent someone else’s child better than the actual parent.

It gets my head in a spin. That is why I don’t usually speak out about my parenting style. My anxiety makes me wonder if someone will take what I have to say the wrong way.

 

Let me go into some history on how I was raised.

I was spanked. Not very often. Because I knew that spanking was the ultimate punishment. That means I must have done something so bad that I skipped all other levels of punishment. For instance, when I was about 10 or so, my older cousin took me and her kids to a basketball game at the high school. Well we were on our way out to the car but she got hung up talking to someone, she told us to stay with her….we took off running across the street to the car….the street where other attendees were leaving…

This resulted in all of us lining up to receive a ‘spanking’. Basically, we were asked what we did wrong, what should we have done and then we were to stick our hands out palms down so that we could get popped on the hand. There was no beating. Nothing that would constitute abuse. We knew we were wrong. We knew we weren’t supposed to go anywhere and yet we did. My ‘popping’ was harder than the others, not by much just a little, because I was the oldest and I should have known better and kept the others from running into the road instead of following and leading a bad example.

I was grounded, I knew I was in big trouble if my mother yelled my entire name. Boy did I know I was in trouble. And that is all she would have to do. I never got past that. I never wanted to disappoint my mom or my grandma. I didn’t want them to be hurt or upset by some type of actions that I may think of. Short term gain for long term pain. I always thought in the back of my head, if I do this will I get in trouble. I wasn’t emotionally traumatized by punishment. It gave me a responsibility type of mind frame. It gave me the cause/response, action/consequence type of thought process. I am actually the only one of my mothers kids who never got in trouble with the law or lashed out in any way shape or form. Heck, I see my mom all the time and we text non stop. She is my best friend. My mother was actually more lenient on my siblings so as each grew more and more out of control she began reigning in the ropes.

So here are three articles in the argument against time out.

Do Timeouts Really Work

Why you should never use timeouts

Why Time out is out

Now these three articles have some interesting input on the psychological effects of ‘time outs’

However, every kid is different. I knew that if my mom or some other adult family member put me in the corner, popped my hand, raised their voice, or took something away from me. I wasn’t affected psychologically. Now I am pretty sure that these people would argue that my anxiety and occasional depression is from the type of discipline that I was subjected to as a kid…. No… Just no. Please don’t try to blame the way I was disciplined for my messed up psych. It is so much more than that. It is the lack of discipline of others that cause the shit storm in my head. It is the abuse that I had to endure. It is my brother dressing up in scary ass masks and banging on the windows during a storm when I thought I was home alone. It is my brother putting my other brother head thru a window. It is my brother putting a knife to my other brother throat. It is the fact that my brother would tell me things like walking in a ditch near the sewer pipe would get me killed because evil trolls lived in the sewers. It is the sexual abuse that I endured. There are many other things that only a highly skilled psychiatrist will be able to explain

None of that has to do with my mom spanking me, putting me in time out or taking away my things. Actually, my mom disciplining me taught me that there are somethings that are wrong. What helped with that, is that if my mom spanked me, put me in time out, took anything away or any other form of punishment, she would talk it out with me. She would explain what I did wrong, why it was wrong and we would explore options that I could have used or should use in the future. She would then explain my punishment and why that degree of punishment was being used. My mom would always talk to us about everything. We may have grown up poor, but she would explain why certain bills didn’t get paid on time. I truly admire my mother.

So that leads up to my raising of my kids. I do not and will not ever ‘abuse’ my kids. I will pop their hands if the action calls for it, or the butt depending on the severity of the action. For instance, my oldest was playing with her sister and decided it would be funny to shove, not push, shove her off the bed. I so happen to see it and sat down with my oldest and discussed what happened, why it was wrong and why a ‘popping’ on the behind was the punishment being used. She didn’t cry. She didn’t fuss. She didn’t whine. She understood that what she had done was wrong and that every action has a consequence.

One of the articles stated that time out only works if it is used in a loving environment. Which leads me to wondering about why you would have kids if you didn’t have a loving environment. I love my girls more than words could ever explain. I would go to the ends of hell for them. I would literally do anything for them. And they know this. We have a reward system but we also have a discipline system. It baffles me that there are so many people who will tell you what will work for every kid. When not every kid is the same. Every kid is different. My oldest is more sensitive than my youngest. While a ‘popping’ would hurt my oldest feelings, which is why it is the last on the punishment list. But that same popping barely even phases my youngest. However, taking toys away from the youngest or time out is the preferred for the youngest cause that is the form that really gets her attention.

What I am saying is, it is no one else’s decision how I punish my kids. They are not being abused and they are happy healthy children.

However, after reviewing the articles, I am baffled that there are articles discussing that time outs are actually ineffective. If you’re taking away time out, which is the lowest form of discipline, then how are you making sure that your kids turn into well behaving, respectable adults?

 

What do you think?

Labels are not for people

 

One thing that I cannot stand is when people label other people just because they do not fit into some type of mold that the original person believes in.

I love everyone equally. I do not label people and the only way that I dislike someone is based upon their attitude or how they treat others. My brothers wife goes on and on and on to anyone who will listen about how we hate her….. I don’t hate anyone. But there is also no rule book stating that I have to love or like who ever my sibling marries. That isn’t how things goes. I can dislike anyone I want. I don’t have to like everyone.

But I don’t label her. Although I do know a lot of people do…..

I don’t have a label therefore I wouldn’t want to put labels on anyone else. I am straight…. But I can admire the beauty of other woman. That doesn’t make me bi or lesbian. And it drives me insane when people think that it does. Just because I think a certain woman is beautiful or has a nice ass does not mean that I am completely attracted to said woman, or that I want to have sex with that woman. I don’t think that being able to acknowledge beauty when beauty is seen should allow others to label me.

Now that is not saying that labels have no purpose.

They are great for labeling salt and sugar. Mixing those two up would give you a great surprise when you drink your coffee. They are great for labeling powder sugar and flour. They are great for labeling cookies in jars with instructions. Labels are amazing. when they are used for that purpose.

That purpose alone.

What labels are not needed for or intended for is people.

Don’t be that person.

Don’t label everyone based upon first glance. Don’t label anyone period. you never know what they’re going thru. You never know how much your label could affect them. With all the attention being on mental illness and suicides lately, you never know if your harsh inconsiderate labels are that one thing that broke the camels back. That pushed them over the edge.

Instead of labeling them. Go hang out with them just for a little bit. Let them know that they are your friends and that it is ok that they like dragon ball z at 30 years old. Or that they like rock music but only the kind used in musicals. Or that its perfectly fine that they have a feet fetish. Take the little things that they get labeled for and bullied about and turn it into a positive. You never know how much it will mean to them.

You don’t even have to do that. Just reach out to them Don’t ask if its okay to talk. DO IT! What a lot of people don’t understand is that having a mental illness can and will keep you from reaching out for help. It will make you put that fake smile on and live up to a label. It will change you. And sometimes, being that pushy friend who just shows up… breaks the label. Listens. Is a shoulder to cry on. Just being there…..Is what we really need.

Overnight

I think that talking about what I go thru or what I have been thru has helped me master the demon and put it behind me. No longer allowing it to define me. However, it sometimes feels like when I am trying to explain things to those around me, that they’re just overly tired of hearing me ‘cry’ about it. So that is where the hiding began. Not exactly but sort of. When I was 5 something terrible happened to me, I tried to confide in someone I thought was my friend about her brother and she turned around and did the same exact thing. This is where the hiding instead of telling stems from.

And that isn’t the only wrong thing I have seen, been exposed to or dealt with. And a lot of the time I just stopped trying to say anything.

 

That is not the way to live.

Living like that will just continue to build up until you burst. And sometimes it isn’t going to be in a nice way. It could result in crying fits. Or rage. Or lashing out on those you truly love.

So having a blog where I can kind of express my feelings in a way where I don’t have to feel like I am being put on the spot of shamed. Like I am only trying to get attention.

 

What I fight with all the time is wanting to be okay and hating the fact that it takes so long to do so. I am an inpatient person….

I want everything to be ok now.

So I got to learn to accept that….. you cannot heal overnight from a lifetime of pain…..

 

Gotta just take it one day at a time.

 

Today is actually a good day…. Except for a minor ear infection. I feel alright.