Perfection

 

Perfection and mental health. It is something that isn’t all to uncommon. I am pretty sure that everyone that suffers from mental health struggle with perfection. And it is harder when you know that you’re not normal. That there is something unbalanced in your brain. It’s not perfect.

 

My thing is… I like things done perfectly. Which is why helping my kid with a project that involves artsy stuff, I get very anxious. I am no where near an artsy person. I cannot draw. I cannot see a blank canvas and envision anything other than a blank canvas. Well that isn’t exactly true. I can imagine what it should look like but the execution isn’t my best quality…. Whenever, I try to do anything, it is never the way I imagine. However, when it comes to photography. I am great at that. I take some really great photos and I can edit them to look amazing. I love editing and that is why I started editing with a company called Mendr.

So when it comes to getting other things done, like a project or anything. If it is not perfect, my anxiety flies thru the roof. I just cannot cope. And it is really sad. Because I don’t like my kids to see me be that way. Which is usually why I excuse myself to go take a shower or I say that I need to go t the store so I can freak out without them seeing. However, sometimes my mind doesn’t comprehend that I need to excuse myself and have a little meltdown right where I was standing.

And the fact that I cannot use a hot glue gun without burning myself….turns into the mommy who uses bad words. That glue hurts like crap. And I don’t even see how I burn myself so much. I use all the precautions.

The perfectionist in me goes way beyond the art projects. When my house is a mess, it drives me crazy. If I have a dirty house or clothes just sitting in the dryer for days, it usually signifies that I am either having a anxious time or a depressed time. I think that’s what people really don’t understand about mental health. There are days where you just have a day of depression or anxiety. Like the other day, I started my work late because I was crying and there wasn’t any pin point to why exactly I was crying, I was just depressed and cried. So when I finally got to work and on the phone….. I said the wrong greeting. I messed it completely up. Said the wrong company. I beat myself up for the rest of the shift. I pride myself on having a customer service voice and being helpful and understanding. So when I make one little mistake, I take it seriously and personally. It is even worse when I have customers yelling at me or cussing at me when I didn’t do anything. I am just providing information.  (if you can’t tell I am a sensitive person.)

Like I said, it goes way beyond art projects and my agent at my insurance company knows this. So when he knows that I am coming in to talk about something he usually picks at me. I like the pens being one way. I also have to make sure that the cards are all aligned. It just kind of irks me when they’re not. So I’ll fix them……he’ll mess them up again. It is a silent battle that we have during the whole time I am there. He gets a kick out of it. But he’s not mean about it. So I don’t feel like he’s making fun of me. He’s actually trying to make me feel more comfortable with him so in case I really need my insurance company in the event of a wreck or something, I won’t feel so scared to call, like I was during my last wreck.

Does anyone else feel the uncontrollable need to be a perfectionist and when it isn’t perfect your anxiety/depression kicks up.

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Categories: anxiety, Uncategorized

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