How you see yourself

 

Maya Angelo provided us with a vast amount of great words. I don’t think I have heard anything from her that didn’t resonate on a deeper level. I mean this woman is brilliant. I love her. I remember reading ‘I know why the caged bird sings’ in middle school and thinking this….this is a woman who uses her words in such an elegant way. I was captivated.

However, this quote. This quote is so powerful. And so meaningful. yet it is something that can be so hard for someone like me.

You see…. My anxiety and depression turns what should be a nice self esteem into the worst possible form of hatred possible. I look in the mirror and see my gobble neck. My double chin. My fat cheeks. My messed up smile. My cellulite thighs and butt. The massive amount of fat that lies on my thighs and butt. My jiggly belly. My scratchy not female voice. My weird toes. The way I don’t like having my toe nails unpolished if I am wearing flip flops and the way that all of this has made me unable to actually take the time to paint my toes….

 

Being a mom…. makes these thoughts even worse.  Why? well because I know if I walk around my house saying how ugly I am or how fat I am or how much weight I need to lose to be normal in society, My little girls are going to hear it. And do I really want them to hear me and think this is how we’re supposed to think of ourselves??? No. I don’t. I want them to look in the mirror and be proud of the way the look both inside and out. I don’t want them to see me nit picking everything I hate about myself and decide it is okay to copy it. Because it is not. I grew up in the 90’s before we had the plus size being ok. Every where you looked. The perfect girl was tall, stick thin and blonde. While I on the other hand was never going to be tall was never stick thin, I have always been a little plump no matter how much exercise I got and it wasn’t eating too much because I was poor….one time we only had potatoes to  eat. Now I was blonde but not beach blonde like all the models. No I was what my mom called dish water blonde. That kind of color that isn’t blonde but isn’t brown. That in between color. I never had a face where my cheek bones shined thru or waist so small, legs so skinny. I was never what the magazines portrayed as pretty.

So when the first plus size started getting attention I was like YESSS. But that still didn’t make me feel any better about myself.

It is a long journey. I am still trying to like myself. I need to lose the baby weight. But I am taking it one day at a time. It keeps fluctuating which is frustrating and depressing. I am still 60 pounds away from my pre kid weight. I mean when I was in high school weight. But I also know that for some people losing weight after the first kid is easier than after the second kid. So I got that struggle going on.

But the one thing I refuse to do….. Is speak all these insecurities in front of my girls. Yes, momma might not like the weight or the way her body looks. But I would never want my kids to think that is normal. It is something that is a constant struggle for me. But I don’t want to pass that struggle on to my kids.

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Categories: anxiety, Uncategorized

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