Just Like You

So there is something that gets said from parents to their grown kids who are about to have kids.

‘ I hope your kids are just like you’

And some parents are like yeah… then they’ll be awesome.

That is……….

until you actually have a kid that is just like you.

I think my kids are so weird and hyper and wild and talkative. But everyone in my family is just laughing at me because apparently I am finallly getting the same treatment they got when I was a kid.

Now this is all fine and dandy.

Its the cirlce. Your parents dealt with you and now you’re dealing with your kids who act just like you. It happens pretty much every generation.

I am fine with that.

However, what I am not fine with that. I am fine with them being curious hyper talkative kids. Because they’re also really smart.

What I am not okay with and what I am actually worried about.

……

Is them being exactly like me.

In regards to my soul crushing anxiety.

I would never wish this on anyone….Ever.

So here begins my journey to make sure that they don’t have to deal with it.. Hopefully.

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Nothing more frustrating

I am a mother of two amazingly smart, beautiful girls.

They are always going to be my amazingly smart beautiful girls.

Nothing will ever change that.

However, as everyone knows, not everything is perfect. Things will go wrong. There will be bad moments. As a parent you will be at your wits end. And yes technically the kids are your legal obligation until they are 18 when they’re considered adults. As a mom, your obligation to your kid will never ever end. You will always worry, you will always help. you will always.

With that being said…. there are always going to be moments where, as a mom, you want to pull your hair out.

And there is nothing more frustrating than realizing that you’re dealing wiht a minutre version of yourself.

Now I am a sassy, sarcastic, moody person. I have my good days and I have my bad. I can be the sweetest most helpful person you have ever met and I could possibly make you cry with my words.

My oldest brother chooses to believe that the bad days sync with my menstrual cycle cause he just doesn’t want to own up to why I am the way I am towards him.

However, I am also a mother of two girls.

Two girls!!!

that are just like me

Literally.

I mean they are spitting image of their dad but everything else is me

Like their facial expressions. Their sassiness. Their sarcasm.

Like when my oldest said during dinner, after I said I was tired and want to go to bed, ‘yeah cause all you do is sleep’. Now that was rude…

But it is something that I would say.

And it comes from the fact that by the time dinner comes around… I am exhausted from doing everything that day.

That small sentence hurt, it really did. But I couldn’t be too mad because it was exactly something that I would say and that wasn’t exactly what I would have said or actually have said.

When I was not too much older than my oldest daughter I was visiting my dad and his neighbor was over drunk. and said he needed to go back to his house to get another beer. and I quipped ‘good stay there’.

But here’s the thing….

…….

I am just experiencing what my mom experienced when I was little.

I was a miniture version of her and my girls are a miniture version of me.

So while I am pulling my hair out…. my mom is laughing…

Sorry for the jumbled post.

Thanks for listening.

Attitude

So I hear that people think I am a bitch quite a lot. And they hear this because others have told them so.

But why do these people who are going around telling others I am a bitch think I am a bitch.

…..

The only thing I can think of is that they’re confusing my attitude with my personality

My personality is kind, helpful, anxious, protective, and many other words. I think I am a good person and a lot of others have said I am. Those that see my actual personality.

However, my attitude is not my personality. It is however determined based upon who I am interacting with. there are actually many reasons for why I have a good attitude with some people and a bad attitude with others.

It is actually hard to understand or explain. A lot of time my moods are based upon those around me I am an empathetic person. Many times my emotions reflect those of the people around me even when I don’t want them too. So when someone is around and they’re putting off a bad vibe, I mirror that.

That is just one reason.

Another would be my attitude reflects of what they have done prior. The history of our interactions.

It is a lot of factors that go into it.

However,

Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude.

Motherhood

Did anyone have a birth plan when they were pregnant?

I didnt.

Both of my labors were fast and unexpected. My first being a premi weighing just over 4 pounds.

But what I knew from the beginning and throughout my entire pregnancies was that I didn’t want an epidural. My aunt had one and has had side effects ever since. My mom had three kids with no epidurals at all..ever. And I was an 8 pound baby. Talk about a champ.

When you’re getting to the end of your pregnancy, they tell you what to expect. They prepare you. They offer you an epidural.

There are even books they suggest to read.

But what they don’t tell you.

There is no epidural for motherhood.

There are no magical drugs to numb you to the pain that you feel dropping your kid off at school for the first time. Nothing to numb the pain you feel when they scrape their knee for the first time.

Or when they hurt your feelings. Or when others hurt their feelings.

There is no epidural for motherhood.

Ever.

At all.

The pain or emotions you feel don’t just stop when your kids pass into adult hood. There are many things that transpire after their 18 birthday that can hurt your feelings. Like them not needing you as much anymore. Or no longer hearing from them as often.

Sorry for the random post.

What are your opinions on the emotions with motherhood.

Inappropriate song lyrics

This is a topic that I just recently went thru.

I have a two year old. as many know as the terrible twos.

I have the recent Fall Out Boy CD and I love it. However, I don’t blare music when my kids are in the car because I need to have full listening capability in case of anything.

So I have it down at a low volume.

And obviously my kid has some super hearing capabilities because I overheard her singing along to the first song on the FOB cd

It goes something like

“Can you smell that shit, can you smeel that shit….”

So now my two year old has learned to the word shit…

cue hand to face

cue head drop

cue oh crap

but somehow she took it from that song and put it into the correct context.

Because I didn’t know she knew the word until she had pooped.

She walked up to me with a grin on her face and said ‘i shit’. I quite literally fell off the couch onto the floor and my jaw was missing from being opened so wide.

Now I pay very close attention to every single lyric of every single song in my car and will skip over any that has any form of vulgar language.

one of those mommy moments.

Like a Fitted Sheet

There are hundreds and hundreds of books on parenting.

These books are like snowflakes. They are all the same from a distant, but each one is unique.

Why is that?

Well that is because, Parenting is like folding a fitted sheet.

No one really knows how the hell to do it.

Not properly that is.

I mean who came up with the idea of makeing a fitted sheet?

Did they think, ‘hey lets make something that infuriates mothers that cannot be folded.’

Seriously.

Parenting is hard.

It is even harder if you are dealing with a brain that doesn’t have the right chemistry balance. (anxiety, depression any other mental illness)

My mom had three kids. We each grew up differently.

Why?

because of the parenting

My mom was always told to give my oldest brother slack. Give him some room. Well you know that saying you give them an inch and they’ll take a mile? that was my brother. Seriously. He was destructive.

So she got more strict with my other brother. but not too strict. He turned out ok. actually I think he’s the best of us all.

But he did some things that werenot the greatest.

So my mom became overly strict with me. To the point that I always said.I’m not my brothers!!!!

Now I am trying to give my girls the security we didn’t always have. We grew up poor. Sometimes we didn’t have food. Sometimes we didn’t have running water. My mom was a struggling single mom of 3 with a dead beat husband who skipped state so he wouldn’t have to pay child support.

So I never want my kids to know what it is like to want and need food or water. I never want them to know what it is like to feel hunger to the point of nausea.

However, my oldest knows how to push that anxiety mode in my head.

i have stated before that my kids don’t hear me unless I raise my voice. But when i single out my oldest because she’s done something like push her sister or something awful. she gets this look on her face or she starts crying. It is the look. That look like you know she’s going to grow up into an axious adult who will need tons of therapy. (now this is probably my anxiety talking making me fear the worse) However, it still kills me.

My youngest will cry for five minutes and be over it.

I am so worried that I am not a good parent all the time.

But then there are times when my kids tell me I am the best mom and I feel awesome.

I’ve seen hovering parents, I’ve seen absent parents. I have seen so many types of parental styles.

It’s like a fitted sheet. no one really knows the proper way or who is to say there is a proper way anyhow?

Thanks for listening to a random ramble post.

One more time

As many of you know, we have had issues with our my in laws.

While the final blow was the fact of favortism. It started way before that and I kind of just let it slide because I bite my tongue so hard it is a miracle that I still have a tongue at all.

Some of these comments are about my husband working all the time and doing dishes while he’s at home. I think the real thing was something like *to my husband* Do you always do the dishes. or my favorite one. In a conversation between me and my in law, I had said something about being exhausted and the in law looked at me and said ‘what do you have to be exhausted for’.

That one pissed me off. I am not even going to sugar coat it. I was pissed. I was ready to go off. Full blown bitch mode. But my kids were in the living room with us and I bit my tongue so hard I thought I tasted blood.

Because don’t you know that being a stay at home mom is easy.

I honestly believe he thinks all I do all day is sit on my butt all day watching TV.

I wish

I mean I do have the TV on all the time. But only because I don’t like silence when I am home with just my kids because my anxiety makes me paranoid. This is also why I play things like Gilmore Girls that I have seen a million times, nothing in that show is a trigger. At all. So it is something simple that I can put on for the noise and get my stuff done.

So this goes out to anyone who has anything against stay at home moms.

Ask me one more time! what I do everyday.

And I will back up that stay at home moms are the backbones of the home. we do not ever get any recognition. And I can say that we deserve a lot of recognition.

So I will go over a basic day. Monday thru Friday

6 AM- wake up, check the calendar to see if my kid takes lunch, if she does pack it.

6:30 AM wake up my oldest kid and start her getting ready for school

6:45 AM wake up my youngest daughter. This is a task in itself because my two year old is in that stage called terrible 2’s. Some days are good some are not so good. I found the trick is to have her a sippy of milk or water ready when I wake her so that she gets distracted by wanting something to drink to the point that she’s not cranky.

6:55 AM make sure everyone has their shoes. If it’s cold, start the car

7:05 AM Make sure everyone has their shoes, coats, lunches, backpacks etc

7:10 AM leave the house

7:20 AM pick up my neephews for school

7:25-7:30 AM in the school line for school (we get here early so that the kids have the chance to eat school breakfast)

7:45 AM me and the 2 year old get back home

8 AM breakfast time for the baby and me (this depends on my mood as to what we eat, sometimes its eggs sometimes its yogurt)

8:30 AM we’re usually done eating by now and the kid is watching an educational show or playing and its time to start cleaning.

9:00-11:30 AM between these times, my mom shows up. She comes over almost everyday because she doesn’t have much to do at home. She is disabled and wants to move around so she comes over to play with the baby so I can get stuff done. and to move around so that her body doesn’t deteiorate anymore.

9:00-11:30 AM Since my mom is over, I can run errands without having to get the baby in and out of the car, I can finish cleaning, I can shower, I can do my school work. I think in the past year, I have only took a nap during this time once or twice and that is because I was sick or didn’t sleep the night before.

12:30 PM I get ready to head to the school pick up line

1PM in the school line working on blog or school work.

2:30 PM school lets out

2:45 PM drop my nephews off

2:55 PM home from school, going through my daughters bookbag

3:00-3:30PM its homework time for my kid. I oversee make sure she understands what she has to do.

4PM start dinner

5PM-6:30PM Husband arrives home, we all eat dinner

7PM kids are playing or cleaning up

7:30-7:45PM bath time for the girls

8-9PM run around the house and clean up. get things ready for the next day. Load the dishwasher pick up dirty clothes, work on more school work.

8:30PM time for kids to brush their teeth.

9PM time for the kids to go to bed

9:30 PM make sure the kids are in bed

10PM lay down try to rest. Get up a million times to make sure the kids are ok, the oven is off the lights that should be off are off the doors are locked etc

11PM right about here I fall asleep.

my alarm goes off at 4 AM 4:15 AM 4:30 AM 5AM 5:30 AM 6AM 6:30 AM 6:45 AM. So just because I get up at 6 doesn’t mean I don’t wake up. I wake up every morning at 4 am to tell my husband hey the alarms are going off. he has to be at work normally at 6 AM so he leaves by 5:20 AM sometimes he has to be at work at 4 AM it varies. So I always wake up to make sure he locks the door and has everything he needs etc.

So please, aske me one more time what I do in a day.

On my lazy days, I hit 5 thousand steps a day. On my hectic days that number is close to 20 thousand. My mother in law (my husbands parents are not married anymore) has asked me many times after hearing or seeing everything I do, ‘how do you even get your school work done?’ or she’ll tell me that I need to rest.