One, Twenty one guns…

Okay, so last week, my cousin passed away after a long almost two year battle of cancer. He was in his 80’s so he lived a long life and I was able to see him a week before he passed. Therefore, I was able to say my goodbyes.

That’s the thing with me. I am overly emotional. Especially with death. Whenever someone I know or love passes….my anxiety grows high. Especially when I think about living without those closest to me or what if I died? It freaks me out. Who will look out for my girls? How will they go on? I become so depressed, I just cry for hours.

If I don’t get to say goodbye or the death is sudden or unexpected…. It hits my anxiety and emotional side harder. So being able to say my peace allows me to be prepared.

With my cousin, I was prepared. I was able to come to peace with it. I know he is no longer hurting.

So it was time for the funeral.

And I really wanted to be there for my cousin. The cousin that passed was my cousin thru marriage. His wife is a distant cousin but I grew up with her around a lot. So they’re close family to me. Now she’s 80 something years old and she just lost her husband of sixty somthing years. We all just wanted to be there to show our love and support for her because this is hard. Her husband took care of her from day one. She never wanted for anything.

Now….what I didn’t know was that my cousin was in the military. As I knew him, all he talked about was fishing. So the military history, I had no clue about. Which I think is very cool and very honerable.

However, with this knowledge being new to me at the funeral.

…..

I was not prepared for the gun salute that every military veteran gets.

….

I had gotten thru the entire funeral and I was good.

…..

Until the salute.

They opened the church doors and bang bang bang.

There went the guns.

Then came the folding of the flag and the song they play on the trumpet.

So now I am tearing up.

………..

Why?

……..

It’s a mix of emotions and anxiety.

The guns were loud and shocking and anxiety is like the fight or flight feeling you get. But it never leaves.

….

So this salute, which is a means of respect, started my anxiety of the day.

I mean I was already anxious about going to the funeral but I was even more anxious after.

It also didn’t help that I had to drive home in the worst thunderstorm that we have had in a while with a tornado watch in effect. The rain was so much and so hard that I couldn’t see the road anymore and had to pull over to wait it out.

And unfortunately, the anxiety feeling kept up for the next 4 hours.

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Categories: Uncategorized

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