Music Review: Three Days Grace

Okay so I was working on a blog post for tomorrow and I get this notification on my phone. (Because I have a blutooth keyboard I can write posts while I am sitting pratically anywhere) It said that Three Days Grace had a new album. And I’m like ‘WHAT?!?!?!’ because I didn’t even know they were working on new music. That is how oblivious I have been lately. Which is pretty bad. But I have been listening to TDG since their first album. I mean hell I relate I hate everything to my brother. And when they changed singers I wasn’t sure how I would feel because the old TDG was so good and I related to it so well and it was the perfect voice for what I was going thru at that time. I mean come on who doesn’t love Pain, It’s not too late, etc. But either way.. I am pretty excited about this album.

Right Left Wrong:

Now I am basing the song order on what YouTube has it as because I haven’t gone and gotten the CD yet.

Already, hitting so hard. yes I agree. Sometimes I just wanna run away too. If this is the first track on the album then it’s going to be a good album cause this song has just enough guitar/drums and vocals. Neither are over powering the other.

Something about the lyrics. The thought of just keep moving on. It speaks to me. This is a great song. I know there are many people who keep complaininabout Adam being gone but I mean the band that they are now is just as good if not better.

Right left wrong

The Mountain:

After listening to the lyrics on repeat. This is my 3 time thru. The lyrics are so damn perfect. I can seriously relate it to my anxiety. that I will keep climbing the mountain.

And what is great is that this song doesn’t sound like the prior song. That is like a big turn off for me is if the songs all sounds similar. There are numerous combinations for you to play a song on an instrument. It is wonderful when a band can change it up. (For instance Panic At The Disco always changes their sound)

The mountain

I am an outsider:

YESS YESS YESS YESS YESS YESS Thank you!!! I am an outsider, I have always been an outsider and I have NEVER cared about the in crowd.

This. This right here is why I love this genre. Every genre has their sterotype. This genre is usually classified as loud and just noise. But What I love about this type of music especially this band is that they write songs that everyone can relate to.

I am an outsider

Infa-Red:

I think this is a love song. Which is not your typical love song. Either way I love the guitar on this one. I use to play a little bit of guitar. I was never really good at it. The only song I was good at was Brain Stew by Green Day but that is one of the easiest songs to learn on guitar. I am the type of person who sings really loudly in my car to the songs and I dance too in my car…. I know I am weird.

This is going to be one of the songs I sing in the car. I also think I am going to send it to my husband to see if he can get the love part from the lyrics which I doubt because he doesn’t really feel music the way I do.

Infa-red

Nothing to lose but you:

This band is killing me with this album. Accoustic??? Soft guitar… Drums are heavier than the guitar. The lyrics. Matts voice. God. This is. I am speechless. I love this song.

It kind of sounds like the older TDG but the new one at the same time. It’s the guitar and the atmosphere of the song. It’s like the best of both bands. Which is awesome.

Nothing to lose but you

Me against you:

Oh wow! Starting the song off with dark, deep, raspy vocals. I think I just swooned haha. What is it with 2018. The music is so good so far. I mean MANIA was the album I was waiting for by Fall out Boy and love every single song but this is coming up to be another album that I can listen to every song. I don’t know about you guys but there are very few albums where I just love every song. This Is one tho.

Me against you

Love Me or Leave me:

Well this is change of pace. But it is still good. This song is completely different that the rest of the album.

Love me or leave me

Strange Days:

That guitar at the beginning of the song is so amazing. And the drums just compliment it. I know Matt has amazing vocals and all but I just can’t help but pay more attention to the guitar than the lyrics which is very strange for me because I am usually a lyrical person.

Strange Days

Villain I’m Not:

Already feel like I can relate to this song and its only 5 seconds in. Automatically thinking about a time when I was the villian even tho it wasn’t my fault. Where was this song 5 years ago. This might be one of my fave on this album

Villain I’m not

Chasing the First time:

This one feels really heavy. Like bass heavy. I am kind of worried how hard it would hit my speakers haha. It also kind of reminds me of Chalk Outline. Which was a really good song that I could relate too. But the lyrics on here make a lot of sense as well and you can relate it to other things.

Chasing the First Time

The New Real:

This is an interesting song. I mean I kind of like it and I kind of feel like it has to grow on me. In my personal opinion. The lyrics don’t match the guitar. The lyrics sound more pop or punk rather than this band. I don’t know its just my opinion. I think I could see Simple Plan or someone like that singing this.

The New Real

The Abyss:

I think my favorite part of this song is the scream. I am a sucker for that.

The Abyss

Advertisements

It isn’t easy

Loving me isn’t easy.

Loving me is complicated.

Loving me comes with a lot of baggage.

Loving me comes with a lot of problems.

Loving me means you need to be patient.

Loving me means you need to understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

Because loving me means you accept my issues

Because loving me means you are willing to put up with my anxiety.

Because loving me means you don’t judge me.

Because loving me means you want to help me cope.

Because loving me means you understand.

Loving me isn’t easy.

I wish it was.

I wish I wasn’t such a handfull.

I wish I didn’t constantly overthink every little thing you say.

I wish that I could have better trust.

I wish that I didn’t wear every thing on my sleeves.

I wish my emotions didn’t bounce up and down like a damn yo-yo you use to play with as a kid.

I wish I didn’t have to constantly have reassurance.

Loving me isn’t easy.

But I wish it was.

Having a mental illness like anxiety…such strong anxiety makes relationships so damn hard.

You are constantly wondering if you are going to get hurt again.

You see… I have only been with 3 guys in my whole life. I have only had 3 boyfriends. EVER. Seriously. My first boyfriend was when I was 7… we dated off and on every couple years until high school.

Then he dumped me because someone gave him the time of day. That is how it always went with him. Especially when we were in high school. Anytime a girl would flirt with him, bat their pretty little mascara covered lashes his way, I would be left heart broken wondering why I was never good enough to be anyone’s entire world.

But then I was. Or at least I thought I was. I mean my second boyfriend pursued me while I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend. He wrote all these letters. He won me stuffed animals. He always made time for me. Til he left. to go live somewhere else. And I was the one thinking we could actually make long distance work. And I guess we did. Until he came to live with us. But he wasn’t who I thought he was. He was an emotional rollercoaster. He caused so much pain. He won me over with his words and then destroyed me with his actions. he cheated. not only physically but emotionally. Not too long after we broke up did he start a realtionship with the one he cheated on me with. But what could I have expected. He cheated on his girlfriend with me. And his girlfriend was my friend. And he let me believe that they were over. He had a way with words. He was broken. I thought I could fix him. I thought I could be his savior. I thought I could. But in the end, that didn’t matter. It never matters, does it?

In the end of that relationship… I didn’t know how to break it off. I knew we were over. We were too spiteful to each other. Too hateful. Too much of a toxic thing. They always say you have 3 kinds of love in your life. My first love played me like a fiddle. My second love taught me all the feelings you would never want to feel when you’re supposed to be in a realtionship.

And then came my knight in shining armor. Or at least I thought he was at the time. We’ve had a very long hard road. An emotional rollercoaster in itself. You see….he was my cousins friend. He came out of nowhere. He just showed up when I was still with my ex. We started out as friends. And I started falling for him even though I didn’t know how to end it with my ex. But I didn’t have to. My ex did it for me. By cheating and lying and running away from all his problems. By being who I thought I could save.

This just in… you cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

My 3rd love came so fast and so hard. It hit so damn hard. And so damn fast. my head was spinning. We started out hanging out as friends. But deep in my head I knew I wanted more. We kissed on our first day seeing eachother in months. My ex broke up with me on a big day for me… It hurt. But my friend, now husband, was there to talk to me. We talked on the phone so much. So often. Texted all the time. He was older. by 2 years. The first guy I had been with that was more than 11 months older than me.

I was in awe that he liked me. That he even wanted to kiss me. To spend time with me. To be with me. He consumed so much of my thoughts.

But then tragedy struck. We lost someone that was so close to both of use.

I retreated into myself. I hid my thoughts. My heartbreak. I hid how hurt I was that my friend, my cousin, my confidant was gone. I would never be able to pick up the phone and call him again.

My husband…. I am not too sure what happened. He was broken. That was his best friend. But what I did notice was that another friend was creeping into his life. a toxic friend. A horrid friend. My husband didn’t notice because he was still too blindsided from the loss of his friend to even see how bad this new friend was going to be.

This friend encouraged the lying, the talking to other girls.. This friend encouraged him to leave me. He came in between us. I was destroyed.

But it has a happy ending. I promise. Because if it didn’t…he wouldn’t be my husband. But he is. We wouldn’t have two beautiful daughters. He finally opened his eyes. Now that friend is no longer in either of our lives even though they keep trying to push and shove their way in.

I am sorry guys, I am ranting and raving again.

You see…. the first 2 guys in my life and the first 2 and a half (out of 9) years with my husband scarred me.

They made my anxiety worse.

They made my trust minimal.

They made my belief diminish.

They made loving me hard.

I have always been a deeply emotional person. I have always wore my emotions on my sleeves. I have always been able to feed off others emotions even when I never wanted to.

Loving me is…..hard.

…….

but it’s not impossible

Need a Break

My anxiety consists of my brain never turning off. I can ask my husband what he’s thinking about and he’ll say nothing. But if he asks me….there is always something.

Actually, if I am being honest, my thoughts are pretty ADHD. There is always multiple things on my mind.

Like right now…. I am thinking about my father in law and that thought isn’t too pretty at the moment. I am thinking about how we still haven’t spread my dads ashes. I need to go grocery shopping. I need a nap. Stupid allergy’s to milk (and no its not tummy issues, my allergy makes me itchy…really itchy) How I was so careless to consume so many milk based products on such in such a short time period. I am thinking about school and how am I going to finish paying for it. Since I pretty much ran out of financial aid for it. I am freaking out about the upcoming warped tour because its so many people in a small facility. I am thinking about if I am a good enough parent, friend, wife, child.

And all that is running in my head right now. My attention span is really small. Like really short. Shorter than a fuse. In the 10th grade my Algebra 2 teacher use to switch subjects every 3-5 minutes. One day, a student asked why and she told them it was because of me. Because if she spent any more than 10 minutes on a problem, she would lose my attention.

Everyone always say they need a vacation from their life. To go away to the beach and be free of their problems for just a little bit.

Unfortunately, even when I am on vacation I am constantly overthinking, over analyzing every single thing. Even if I am 3 hours away from home. My mind is consumed with what is going on. What I will need to do when I get home

Yes, a vacation to the beach would be nice. But what I really need is a vacation, a break from my own thoughts.

I would love to know what it was like to not think about anything even if it was just for a few moments. I hate it. Honestly, I do. Because the more I think about something, the more anxious I become. My brother always tells me ‘well don’t think about it’. If only it was that easy. I try to mediate. I tried yoga. I tried taking walks. I tried the showers and the baths. I have tried everything. And I can never turn my thoughts off.

Is there some way to create an off switch??? I wish I knew. Cause I could really use a break.

Empty Cup

I like to help anyone and everyone. It is just who I am. Honestly. My friend was a stay at home mom and her husband lost his job because he was late to work for the last time and it cause a final strike even though he had a dr note from where their child had been hurt.

So I calculated a month amount of their bills….and my husband and I gave them the money. I say my husband because I run things by him because we’re a team and he hardly ever tells me no because I have explained so many times how important it is to put good into the world.

It didn’t matter to me that we might not be able to go on vacation that summer.. It really didn’t because a vacation to the beach is not a necessity. But my friends kids having a roof and food….that is a necessity to me because I look at those boys like they’re my nephews. And I wouldn’t want to see them go without because a stupid job wouldn’t accept a doctors note for his son.

I am not trying to make myself look good. I was just providing an example of one of the times that we helped others because it is something that is important to us to help others.

I cannot count the times that I have just been there to listen for others which is actually a really hard thing for me because I am an overly empatheic person and I feel their pain. I feel all of their emotions. I draw off of others emotions. And it is pretty awful. Because feeling too many emotions from others can be draining. Both emotionally and metnally.

So if you’re that type of person who is constantly there for others. You’re the one who everyone calls. You constantly got your hand out reaching to help anyone and everyone up… Please know that you need to take time to heal yourself. You need time to decompress. you need time to refill yourself. Because you cannot fill from an empty cup.

I know that it is tempting and you feel obligated to keep going and helping others when you are barely hanging in there. I know how hard it is to say no. But you need time to get yourself back together. I hate saying no. But I have had to learn how to say no because I have come to realize that there are people out there who will keep taking from you and not care when you’re empty.

They will keep calling and begging you to come running until you’re so tired you run off the road (luckily that has never happened to me) They will berate you and yell at you and call you names because you put yourself first. But that is ok. Let them call names. Let them talk. Let them figure shit out for themselves. There is no where in the world that says you have to be their personal superhero.

And if they cannot understand that you need to get yourself back together either emotionally or metnally….did they ever really care about you?

Because my circle has become so small for this exact reason. I have cut people out and stopped helping them because they’re taking advantage of me. They just want to use me. They just want what I can offer. But when my tank is empty…when I need someone….they’re never there.

You don’t have to keep being taken advantage of. You control who you help who you see who is worthy of you.

Don’t let others tell you that they deserve to take every ounce from your cup. Because they don’t deserve anything.

I am sorry if this is a long rant. Please remember that you need to help yourself before you can help others. It is like in an airplane. They tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. That is the same in everyday life. If you’re exhausted mentally, physicall and emotionally you do not have to help anyone else. You have to recharge your batteries because you are so important.

Just as important

We live in an age where being fit and having the perfect body is what you’re supposed to do. I remember being a teen looking at all these magazines thinking I was the fattest cow in the history of teen girls because I didn’t look like that.

Because I was fat. Because I was chunky. Because I wasn’t a size 0.

And as I grew up, this ideal of stick thin is still constantly being pushed down our throats like some sort of medicine that we need. There is no spoon full of sugar to make that ever okay.

Yes, if you are a size 0 it is okay. It’s perfectly fine. But if you’re not a 0, that is okay too.

What society is doing to an entire generation is causing mental issues because we are not who we see on the cover of magazines. And what those magazines don’t tell you….is a lot of the time they use photoshop to gain the perfect picture. To remove cellulite, to remove blemishes, to make their arms and legs skinner and to make them tanner.

We’re promoting this stick figure as the perfect physical health. That if we exercise more and eat better than we can obtain this idealistic perfect physical health that makes us look like that.

Uhm, no thank you.

Because what you’re promoting is turning an entire generation into low self esteem kids who might turn to anerxic methods or bulemic methods to obtain that idea of perfect. Which is causing so much more mental issues than not. And what this promotion doesn’t do is provide information on how to do things that won’t cause mental damage. They’re not providing methods to make sure that our mental health is okay. they’re pushing that physical health is more important than mental health and it is not.

Being a chunky is okay.

Let me repeat that. BEING CHUNKY IS OK. in case you didn’t read that.

Your mental health is just as important as your overall physical health. Because how are you going to be happy wearing a size 4 if you damaged your mental well being by convincing yourself that you won’t be pretty until you are that size?!?

Okay….now I am fat. I really am. According to the doctor’s charts I am obese. But hey…. having 2 kids in 5 years and a major car accident during a pregnancy which cause back and hip issues make things hard to do. Certain exercises I cannot do because it is just too painful. I am trying to lose weight. I am about 4 sizes away from where I was in high school so I am working on it

But I am that point in my life where I would rather keep my physical and mental health equal. that doesn’t mean that I am okay being fat. What that means is that I am not going to obsess over being thin to the point that looking at myself and seeing all the fat and cellulite and stretch marks will make me hate myself. Which I mean I already have a low self esteem but I don’t believe that losing a crap ton of weight will make my self esteem any better.

Which is what a lot of people are doinng these days. They think hey if I just lose this weight, if I just lose 50 more pounds then I will be happy, I will be more confident. It won’t happen that way.

If you have that type of mind set, you will always be miserable with yourself and your mental health will only decline.

I know this seems like a big rant about the media portrayal of healthy. But I promise its not.

What I am trying to say is that in your journey to a healthier you…take time to make sure that your mental health is okay too. Because if you’re just focusing on your outer appearance… your inner self might be breaking….

Mental health is just as important as physical health.

Kids Change Everything

If you have kids, then you know that there are numerous books that describe what pregnancy will be like. They tell you what to expect from conseption up til you give birth. They tell you how your body will change, how your moods will swing. The books will even tell you all the gross, nasty details of actually giving birth. Never google what after birth looks like.

And movies kind of show you what is going to happen but never really prepare you. You see with my first kid, when it came time to push (which that labor story is pretty simple, both kids were born within 30 minutes of getting to the hospital) I thought I had to scream. Honestly, I started yelling like it was the end of the world. Like Bruce Willis didn’t sacrafice himself on that astroid in Armagedon and we were all going to die. Why? Because if you see child birth in any movie, you see the mother screaming so loud that those waiting in the waiting room hear them and think something is wrong. But I didn’t need to scream and maybe that is because of my wide hips. I was always told that I had birthing hips. Maybe that is why both of my kids were born quite easily naturally. No epidural needle has ever touched my back. And that is the way that I wanted it. Because my aunt got an epidural back in the 80’s and they never told her to not get up after getting it and it honestly messed her back up and now she gets these insufferable migraines.

Now, I have been around kids for a very long time. I have been babysitting since I was 11 (not always by choice, thanks to my oldest brother) But I never read anywhere what to expect when having kids would do to my already messed up mental health.

When I was a kid, my mom worked all the time. My oldest brother is 9 years older than me. And as time went on, day cares got more expensive. So by the time my brother was 13 he was watching after me and our other brother who is only 5 years older than me. But as my brother got older he no longer wanted his weird little sister tagging along with him everywhere with his friends. So I would be left home alone. I remember being in 3rd grade being home alone at night, making my own dinner (thank you tv dinners) and putting myself to bed by 7 pm because I had EOG’s the next day.

My oldest brother loves scary movies and those creepy clowns. And I think I hate them because of him. He thought it was funny to run around the outside of the house banging on the windows while I was home alone inside. Which is partially why I am always so anxious at night. alone.

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder when I was almost 16 because I was having constant panic attacks. In the middle of school. hyperventalating to the point that I almost pass out ( I did pass out once) So the school called my mom and she took me to the ER and my regular doctor shortly after where I was diagnosed. With this awful anxiety disorder. And my brother only continued to make things worse after that.

So, there I am with a kid. Who was premature. And so tiny. And I wasn’t as scared with her as I was with my second one which is weird. But there I was at almost 20 years old, responsible for this whole new human being. She was mine. My responsibility. And there my anxiety began to get worse. not that it wasn’t already bad. But it just made things a thousand times more there.

Before kids, I could push it so deep inside that no one could ever see. But now that I have kids…. that anxiety is so close to the surface. Because not only am I anxious about my actions and myself, I am anxious about my kids. And it is not the normal anxiety you feel like should you change jobs or not. Noooo

You see, what they never tell you in those expecting books is that you should expect your mental health to take a hit. You should expect to feel more overwhelmed because you’re battling a mental illness that now circles not only you but how your kids are. They never tell you that having kids changes everything.

My oldest daughter is the most sensitive child that I have ever seen. So when I am repeating myself for the 20th time in 10 minutes and I get a little aggravated so I get a little stern, she starts to cry and looks at me with these weeping eyse like I just killed her puppy. Which sends me into a whirlwind of am I a bad parent? This happens quite often.

When I was pregnant with my second child, I was in this awful car wreck that totaled my SUV. which isn’t as easy as you would think consider half of my windows were shattered and the rear end was in my second row. I had to get shots every week from 15 weeks to 34 weeks to make sure that I didn’t go into preterm labor. It was a rough pregnancy. There was a lot of back and hip problems that came from that wreck that couldn’t be addressed because I was pregnant. And having a second child, made me that more anxious as a mother.

I feel like a failure as a parent. Yes my kids are spoiled and 90% of the time they earn every toy that they get. My 1 year old picks up trash and throws it away. They get this little mental ATM credit that they can use when we go to the store. My oldest will ask if she has enough credit to get a small, medium or big toy. But they also know that twice a year they have to donate toys to those who don’t have many like they do. So I am trying to instill some responsibility and make them humble.

But more often than not, I go to bed wondering if I was a bad parent today. Did I yell too much? Did I not show enough love? Did I not love one them enough? Did I break their spirits? Did I put them down too much? Did I crush their dreams? When I was my oldest age…. I knew way more than I should have and I was way more afraid than a child at that age should have. I want my kids to be protected more than I ever was. But am I a bad parent?

What I wish I knew when I was pregnant was that having kids will and does change every single thing. I wish there was a book that could help expecting parents who have depression or anxiety on how to cope with the changes of becoming new parents.