I Am The Change!

So all of Linkin Park fans know that today is Chester Bennington’s birthday. While many of us are still sad about his passing. It was a big hit for those of us who fight many of the same battles that he struggled with every single day. The same battles that he talked about so openly.

So many of us fans wanted a way to celebrate the life of Chester since it is his birthday. And it is because many of us loved Chester and wanted to honor him, Talinda Bennington the strong, beautiful and outspoken wife of Chester asked everyone to post a photo with the words “I am the Change” written on our hands to symbolize that we know the 5 signs of mental illness. And that we are going to be the change to the stigmatism.

I have spoken very loudly about the stigmatism that plagues those who suffer from any form of mental illness. and this isn’t just anxiety or depression. Stigmatism plagues many of those who suffer autism, ADHD, ODD, and many more.

My best friends kid is autistic. And he suffers from a lot of stigmatism. To the point that some family pretend that his autism is made up and that his antics are just him being bad. Which enrages me. But that isn’t the worst of it. It is even so bad that his school holds his autism over him as if it is a reason to be held back a grade even though he is as smart as a whip. All because his ‘social’ skills are not what they believe is ‘up to par’. Well uhm I have been around this kid since he was a baby. In fact, my mom and I actually called his autism. We baby sat him one day and we could tell that there was something. Not that we treated him any different. He’s about 6 months older than my oldest daughter. In fact she’s his best friend. We have never ever treated him any different. In fact, I think that I do more for or with him to compensate for the bullshit he has to deal with. The kid is 7 and he’s already faced a world full of stigma. Unfortunately, he has a long life that looks like it will be full of stigma.

And that isn’t the only stigma this family faces. My best friend suffers from PTSD, depression and anxiety. and possibly more, I can’t remember right at the moment. Her husband has depression. So when I talk about being able to hang around my friends and they understand when I am having such a bad time…. They completely understand. Because they have dealt with it themselves.

But this isn’t a sad post! This is about Chester! And if Chester was still with us. (It’s sad saying that ;( because he was such an inspirational person) He would be right with us… Fighting the stigmatism. Which is what we should all do. We should continue fighting for what Chester believed in. We should continue fighting against the stigmatism that plagues pretty much anyone who suffers any form of illness of the mind. Because anyone with a spinal illness, a heart illness or anything else is sympathized with but those with ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, etc. are frowned upon. Lets put an end for this stigma. Lets #BreakTheStigma and #MakeChesterProud

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Out of a bad mood

So with a mental illness like anxiety, your moods can kind of switch really fast and sometimes well most of the time you’re in a bad mood.

So how do you get out of the bad mood?

For me. I watch youtube videos. I sing. I dance around. Green Day is a great band to listen to when you just need to jump around. Which makes your bad mood kind of disappear.

But I mean I don’t just turn it on and instantly drop my mood. No it takes time. It takes a process. it takes a few videos. But with Green Day…. I usually get out of the mood pretty fast. sometimes.

Another thing is watching my favorite bands be just like everyone else. We see them as celebrities and for some reason society holds them to this higher standard so when I see Pete Wentz do something silly it makes me smile. Or Brendon Urie. Or even Patrick Stump.

My last bad mood was because of 2 seperate anxiety attacks within 5 hours of eachother that when I got home I just started surfing youtube and found a video of Patrick Stump performing Uma Thurman on the acoustic guitar. He did the Munster part and I was in awe. Like I need to pick up a guitar again just so I can learn that. He doesn’t need autotune and is so flipping talented. I mean, I feel like the MANIA album was a testament to the vocal capabilities that is Patrick Stump.

When I am in a bad mood, I force myself even if I don’t want to, to play with my kids. Because kids do the darndest things. They can be so flipping cute sometimes even if they drive you bonkers.

So how do you guys get out of a bad mood???

What they don’t tell you

As many of you guys know, I had a major panic attack yesterday over the decision of buying new tires versus used tires. Why? Because new tires are expensive as crap especially for my car. I have an SUV so the tires are bigger and with that cost more. But why not just get used tires? I mean so many people get used tires and are just fine.

Well, you see, I have kids in my car 90% of the time and it would be my luck that I would get a used tire and it would blow and trying to find a used tire around here that matches my car takes DAYS. and I didn’t have days. My tire was on the verge of blowing. There was no tread on it whats so ever. I desperately needed a new tire. So I went and bought new ones.

I thought once I made the final decision, I would be fine. Nope. The wait was over an hour because there was 3 cars ahead of me. So I waited and walked around and couldn’t breathe.

You see, that is something the doctors never tell you about anxiety and panic attacks. Even though you might not be in an active attack….. you will still feel the weight of the elephant on your chest. You will still feel like you can’t get a decent breath. You will still feel like you’re going to pass out. You will still feel like you’re in an attack. Even when the initial attack has passed. After your tears have dried. After it all, it still feels like it’s there.

So, since it was taking so long and I was so bleh from this silly attack (I know it was irrational because it was a need but you couldn’t make me believe it) I decided I couldn’t cook. I just couldn’t deal with having to stand in the kitchen for a minimum of 30 minutes cooking dinner when I felt like I was going to pass out.

So I got take out. Which is find and dandy because I already had a fend for yourself night on the board and decided that we would take that for last night and move everything down a night. But it was on my way home that another attack overwhelmed me to the point that when I got out of my car at home, my legs almost collasped beneath me.

Here’s why. I live in the country. So there are long winding roads to get to my house. It takes me 13 minutes to get to my moms from my house and about 20 minutes to get to the Big Walmart. So I’m on one of the long roads and I’m fine. My car is no longer shaking, the drive is smooth. That is until I look up in my rearview mirror and see this asshat behind me. On my tail end. Swerving.

He almost hit 5 different mail boxes. I just knew he was going to hit my tail end on one side and cause me to swerve. And since I am in an SUV, swerving because someone hit one side of my tail end would possibly cause my car to roll. You see, SUV’s have a higher center of gravity. They’re top heavy because they’re higher off the ground. Sharp turns have a risk of rolling the car. So when I got home, safe, I was still so shaken that I almost collasped. I carried the food in the house. Held my composure giving my kids their dinner and then collasped on my bed. Their daddy was home and he knew what was going on.

Which is why my husband is so flipping amazing. Honestly! I am so flipping lucky to have him. Whenever I need to hide so my kids don’t see the worst of an attack, he steps up. Even though he works 10-12 hours 6 days a week. He still picks up my slack when the ugly little monster wants to rear its ugly head. He is an amazing man even after everything we have been thru. My anxiety is one thing he has NEVER thrown in my face. Ever!

So its the next day… I should be fine right? Nope! oh hell no. That would be too easy right? Yep. you see because of the attack…. well 2 attacks… I could not for the life of me go to bed. At all. I laid awake and my brain….being another entity entirely not of my control, kept replaying everything from the day. And how awful I felt as a human being not being able to bring anything financially into my household. But can spend it in a heart beat. I felt like I was worthless.

So I can’t sleep. I think I finally fell asleep after midnight and woke up this morning at 5 laying at the foot of my bed, when did I move? with the most awful crick in my neck because my pillow was on the floor. and I still felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was on the verge of puking.

You see, no doctor I have ever seen about my anxiety has ever warned me that you will feel it the next day. They tell you what a panic attack will feel like, what it might feel when your anxiety decides to grab your mind by the throat and shake it to its core. But what the never tell you is the after effects. They never tell you what to feel when its all over.

And it is different for each person. Hell it is different for each attack. Some attacks… I crash. So flipping hard. I go into an attack fighting to breathe and afterwards I am just so exhausted because an attack is like running a marathon without stopping. So I crawl in bed and sleep. One time I slept for 13 hours straight. I was in high school. My mom was scared because I didn’t budge. I didn’t wake up. I didn’t move. I didn’t get up to pee. Nothing. I was knocked out. Then there are sometimes where I still feel like anxiety’s nasty, ugly monster has its foot firmly placed against my throat so I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like I am going to puke. Sometimes I just feel like an idiot for having such an irrational response to something. They never tell you that you’re going to feel the effects even after it has ended.

Boy I wish they could’ve told me what I was going to feel. So I could maybe, just maybe prepare for it.

As always, thank you guys for listening (reading). It is nice to know I can be open and just tell it raw. Not have to sugar coat or protect anyone’s feelings.

Leave a comment and tell me how you feel after an attack. I would love to talk.

The Smallest Things

There must be something in the air today. This strong ass wind must be carrying some type of toxin that is causing so much anxiety.

Not just for me. My best friend is having a shit anxiety day as well over some stupid drama at her work which sent her into a crying fest in the bathroom and even tho she gathered herself together and put on a brave face as only those with issues know how to do, her boss is still siding with the other employee and sending my friend home.

And I can’t be much help to her because as I am sitting in the school line waiting to pick up the kids, I am in a blubbering mess as well. Why?

Well here is what my brain is telling me. I am a no good, money spending, talentless, fat, mess. Who can only spend money and cannot make money for the life of me. I have put in application for almost every at home job I can think of and apparently I am not what anyone is looking for. I cannot bring myself to get another fast food job because I know that I will be a blubbering whale of a mess in the bathroom from dealing with people face to face. The whole idea of trying to juggle every single thing that I do on a daily basis as well as working even a part time job outside of my home sends my heart rate higher than the Eiffle tower. I can’t even monetinize my blog well enough to draw in any money from the ads. I’m obviously not cut out to be a money making blogger. Even tho I like blogging because it helps me work thru a lot of my issues.

So why is this happening today.

Well I was running an errand for my mom before coming to the school line and I needed gas. So at the gas station I noticed my tires are low again for the thousandth time and when I was driving I noticed that the steering wheel kinda shakes so I decided to focus all of my attention on how my car was riding and I could tell with how worn the tires looked and felt that I need new tires.

Usually I would just get used tires. But since I drive sooooo much running every single flipping errand that occurs in our family as well as taking kids to and from school that it would be in the best interest of my family to get brand new tires as they have a higher chance of being safer. Because you never really know how these used tires are going to go. You could pay the 40 bucks to get a used tire put on and hit a pot hole on the way home and blow that tire you just bought. Now I can add 30 more to that and get a brand new tire. But I need 2 tires both my front tires are bad. So I am looking at 200 bucks for tires basically. with taxes and installation.

And I spent money buying other stuff recently for this awful cold that I am unfortunately coming down with. And it always seem like I am spending money and I feel bad because I am not bringing in money. I feel like a bad wife because my husband is working 10-12 hours a day 6 days straight and I’m just blowing his hard earned money.

Sometimes it is the smallest things that can make you feel like you’re useless, worthless, nothing.

I know I usually post some type of way you can deal with it or something positive.

But I just can’t today. I am having one of the worst anxiety days in a while…

So now, because I am that type of person, I got to figure out how I can make it up to my husband for spending 200. Even tho he won’t be mad or say anything about it because he wants the girls to be safe. But I am going to do it anyway because I feel like I have to do more since I stay at home.

Also, because music usually helps me in these moments and its usually my therapy… I was dumb enough to look up linkin park’s acoustic versions of their songs and just hearing Chesters voice from certain songs is sending me into another blubbering mess because well he was a gem that we loss. a beautiful soul.

If ya’ll know how to monetize your blog successfully…. I am all ears because I cannot go back to retail/fast food. And I really enjoy writing to you guys.

Wish me luck. 🙂

I Should Be Excited but….

Okay so a few months ago it was announced that the Warped Tour of 2018 will be the last warped tour ever.

Which was devastating!

Because I have never been to one and neither has my husband.

So what did we do? Well my husband picked up so hella overtime so that we could spend the hellacious amount to get the biggets warped tour tickets ever. You know the one that includes the custom made vans. Which I was super excited about because I am a skater shoe kid since about 2003. That comes from the fact that I don’t like female shoes, they’re either too flashy or way to uncomfy. And plus my brothers both use to skate.

Which I have a funny story about the middle child, my brother who is about 5 years older than me trying to teach me how to do an ollie when I was like 10. So we’re on our small ass porch which was concrete. The only concrete that we had at our house because our driveway was gravel (there was one time my mom told my brother to see if the drive way was icy or not and he slipped and busted his ass in the most hilarious way) So I am on this board and it is a miracle that I am able to balance myself because I have the WORST balance ever. EVER I mean I have fallen up stairs. I have fallen down stairs. I have sprained one ankle and fractured the other. So He’s holding on to me trying to help me get the hang of kicking down with one foot while sliding the other foot to the other end of the board. Okay so with his help I can kinda get it. So for some god awful reason he decides to stand away from me and let me try to do it by myself…….. Well I get the board up in the air, but I am crashing to the ground. And I guess I kicked my foot to the other end of the board sending it flying. Flying straight towards my brother…. Where it hits him in the crotch…. I never tried to learn that again. Especially not with my brother. HAHA.

But I personally just enjoy the roomy and comfort that skate shoes has. They’re cushiony and roomy and like little hugs on my feet. So when we were able to get the tickets that included the vans shoes I was estatic.

Then came the unbelievably long wait for the line up. I am Eastern Standard Time. So I had to wait for March 1st 3 PM PST…..which is about 6 pm my time. Then I had to look up my city where the tour will be held and who do I finally get to see

None other than SIMPLE PLAN!!!!! I mean who doesn’t have a soft spot for Pierre?!?!?!? I mean he’s hitting 40 soon and looks the same as he did many years ago. Simple plan had so many songs that I just could relate to. Like SHUT UP…. oh my god! that song came out right at the exact time that someone in my family nit picked every single thing I did. And they weren’t nice about it. Like I wore a lot of black. I was a fat kid in middle school. Black is a slimming color and I was kinda emo. I mean my bands at that time were Simple Plan, Green Day, Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, Good Charlotte if you get my drift. I had that emo hair flip down pack. I had my bangs just the right way for that flip. But I was a blonde. so it was kinda weird. My mom wouldn’t let me dye my hair til I turned 16. So this person always said you should wear brighter colors like pink. You need pink clothes. why doesn’t your mom buy you girly clothes. Or you shouldn’t hang out with so and so. You shouldn’t watch that Johnny Depp movie so many times. You shouldn’t listen to that demonic music. I mean the list went on and on and on and on and on. So shut up was that song that I would play whenever they were around in the hopes that they would get the hint to just shut up!!!!! but they never did. They still throw things in my face or say I’m wrong or I’m changing my history to make me the victim. But now… I just don’t listen. I won’t let them get under my skin anymore.

I am getting so far off track from what I want to say. I don’t know what it is about this blog that I just feel comfortable to go off on these tangents about my past and what I have been thru.

So I should be excited about going to the warped tour but

i have anxiety. Like major anxiety and crowded places make me feel claustrophobic. I only know 2 bands at the tour and thats 3OH!3 and Simple Plan. And I only know like a handful of 3OH!3’s songs. I think maybe 3 songs.

I actually bought my best friend and her husband the regular tickets so that they can go. They were going to buy their own tickets but life got in the way and they didn’t have the extra available when the tickets went on sale so I just went ahead and bought them for them. Why? because! Because although my husband is the greatest person ever in regards to understanding my anxiety and how to help me cope somewhat, my best friend has anxiety too and we kind of balance each other out and help eachother out of the attacks together. So I think having them there will be a great thing in helping me cope with all of these random people around me in the dead of summer in one of the biggest cities of my state. And I absolutely hate this city with a passion. No one know how to drive or act and they’re always so rude. Unfortunately we travel down there quite often for WWE events or Concerts. In November I went down for the Fall Out Boy concert (so amazing) and then less than 2 weeks later I was there for WWE SmackDown. Which I knew I had managed to get front row seats for my husband as a gift but I didn’t know that we were going to be right there at the corner of the ramp and ring which was so amazing. I have actually gone back and rewatched that episode and found my husband and I. He actually blended in while I decided to wear this off the shoulder white sweater and stood out from everyone else with my red ass hair.

Again….off topic. sorry guys. Its apart of my attention problem. I get distracted extremely easy and end up telling like 5 stories in one.

So I figured maybe I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable if I go ahead and plan out what I am going to wear… a Panic! at the disco tank top, capris and tennis shoes (not the custom made vans) I already know what bag I am taking and since the concert is in between our anniversary of the day we got together and our wedding anniversary, we’re going down the night before and staying in this nice hotel to celebrate our anniversary. 9yrs together 3 years married. So I think not having to drive an hour + in the warped traffic to get there (we’ll be about 10 mins from the venue) will help with the anxiety because it increases with driving. its the driving home after a 10 hour day in the sun that is going to kill me. We’re not going to get home til about 1 or 2 am. I sure hope I remember to grab coffee on the way home.

But I thought I should look up some of the other artists that are going to be there which there are going to be about 40 bands total. Holy hell right.

It is in this search that I found the band ISSUES. OMG. I cannot believe I have not heard them before. I mean I might have heard the cover of Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend but I never listened to any of their other music.

So if you have made it this far in the post… look up these songs by issues.

Disappear

Hero

Never Lose your Flame

Slow Down (that music video is intense)

Coma

and so many more.

Also….if any of you have any advice on how to cope a massive gathering type of concert, its outside with like 6 stages please let me know….

As always thank you guys for caring and reading what I have to say. You guys are amazing!

Hiding my emotions

Have you ever had someone in your life that was always in competition with you?

If your night was bad, theirs was worse. If your back hurts, their entire body hurts.

But if you’re depressed or your anxious, they didn’t understand. Or felt like you had no reason to be. Or, the worse is that they feel like your mental issues reflect them as a person.

Then there are the ones that get really uncomfortable when you talk about your mental illness. Because they don’t understand it. Or think you can simply pray it away. They think maybe you’re just making things up for attention.

Well, if you have been reading my blog these past few months… you should know…. I am not making things up. I am a champion. I am a warrior in a battle of my own mind.

But not everyone is so accepting. When you see someone you thought accepted you for everything you are and thought loved you enough to not be eh.

Yet they are the ones you can see physically getting uncomfortable.

This is where I feel like I have to hide away my impurities. My issues. My real self.

What is really sad is that I was going to make this a genearlized post. But when I started typing it….. I got this one person in my head.

The person who says they’ve been there with me my entire life. But when I try to talk about the shitty shit that happened to me…. They say I am lying.

Like when I was 5….my brother made me…not ask… made me pretend to be sick so that my mom would ask him to stay home with me. But my mom was going to my grandma’s and I really loved going to my grandmas…. but she said I couldn’t go because I was sick.

And I wanted to tell her I was lying. That my brother made me lie. And that’s when he punched me. in the eye. My first black eye was when I was 5. He told my mom that I was running tripped and hit the coffee table and I was too scared to tell her the truth. That is sad. But if you ask this person… they’ll say I made it up. Or if it really happened..why didn’t I say anything. I WAS 5!!!!

If you have been reading you know my dad passed away. According to this specific person… I didn’t lose my dad.My brother did because he knew him more than I did. They would ask how my brother was coping. How did my brother feel about it. My brother hated my dad. Like a physical hate. My other brother was inpartial. I on the other hand tried to call my dad everytime I got the chance. I tried to see him. I went down there on vacation with a friend of mine almost 9 years ago. It was right after Fathers Day and about 3 weeks before my dads birthday. We were there a week. I really wanted to see my dad. I always wanted him to want to see me. To explain why he was such an asshat. To try to be in our life. But he blew me off 3 times that entire week. But I didn’t lose my dad.

I have so many other examples. Like so many other examples. And this is why I just don’t go around certain people. Because there is no reason that I, a grown ass person, should have to hide my mental illness, my feelings and who I am to make someone else comfortable. And that is how I always felt. Like I had to pretend to be this little perfect person who said ‘yes ma’am, no ma’am’ and never ever had anything wrong with me. I felt like they wanted me to treat them as if they were my parent. and treat them the same way as I treat my mom.

Uhm, my mom is special. OKAY. I will not treat any other person as if they’re my mom.

I shouldn’t have to change the way I am now because they liked the submissve person I was.

Thats the thing. I gave birth to my first child almost 7 years ago. And there was just so much to that. My daughter was a blessing. Yes she caused my anxiety to increase because I was responsible for a whole new human. But she also allowed me to discover my inner ‘bitch’.

Before I would cower down. Hide things so that others around me would feel comfortable. I would never ever talk about my anxiety disorder to anyone but maybe 3 people including my mom. But the day my daughter was born it was like something was born inside me. I felt like I am an adult. I am a mother. And I don’t have to change who I am or bow down for anyone. I no longer follow the crowd. (actually I hate crowds, too many people)

If any of you reading this experience something similar to this, please know. You do not have to make someone else comfortable. you do not have to deny your feelings so that everyone else is comfortable. If they cannot accept the way you feel, if they cannot acknowledge that someone might have feelings that differ from theirs, then maybe they are not meant to be in your life.

And as always, which I probably don’t say enough, I am so very thankful for every single follower. I encourage comments and I will try my hardest to respond.

Try again

I swear I always feel like I am a bad person.

As the day ends, my thoughts never go to what went right or what I did good.

They constantly replay every little bad thing that I ever did.

I am a bad person

I am a bitch.

Well that last one is true.

I told my husband when we got together almost 9 years ago that ‘I am a bitch, if you cannot handle that then I don’t know if we can make this work’.

I am a bitch in the sense that I will say what I need to say for who I need to. I will do whatever needs to be done for those I love. I am a protective person by nature. So if that means that I have to be a bitch. Then so be it.

I use to be a happy person always with a smile on her face. But then that dirty, nasty demon named anxiety set in. Now I am always worried. Always feeling. Always in resting bitch face.

But being a parent. Especially such a young person. I became a mom when I was 19. I partied for 2 months before I found out I was pregnant. I was a wild teen for literally 2 months. That is it. When that test came back positive…. I knew I was done with all of the childish games. There was a child that was coming into my life that needed a mom not a teen.

But I started this journey only knowing what it is like to babysit or be an aunt.

So….

I make mistakes.

Even now that I have 2 kids. Because there are things that my six year old is like that I never learned how to cope with. I have to be the adult.

When you’re a kid you think that being an adult will be so awesome. But they never really told you what being an adult is really like.

So when the time comes that I need to lay down for bed. After I have checked on my kids for the thousandth time.. my mind plays back every mistake I made. Every little thing that I could have done differently.

But what I need to do. And what you should do, if you’re a parent, is remember that the sun will rise tomorrow. And we all can try again.

because honestly, that is all we can do. Is try. There is no gold medals for parents.

Who cares what those soccer moms think about your parenting style. It is yours. As long as your kids not some asshat then you’re doing a good job. Even if your kid is an asshat, you’re still doing a good job because you’re trying.

I mean you can be as good as a parent as you can but you cannot always determine how your kid will turn out. I mean my mom is my best friend. It has always been the two of us fighting thru poverty, homelessness and all kinds of issues. But even though she took her 3 kids out of a shitty situation with my dad and worked 12 hours a day sometimes. My brother still caused a lot of issues.

So, go a little easier on yourself. The sun is rising tomorrow and you get to start over again. You still have time to fix your mistakes and you still have time to show how much you love your kids. As long as there is still oxygen in your lungs, your heart is still beating and you can still do it. Then do it.

We may have a mental illness. We may over think. We may make mistakes. We may fall down. But we can pick ourselves up and try again.