Update

 

So a few days ago I filled ya’ll in on a situation that was happening with my in laws. The wife said, how did she put it….lets see it was “We WILL be there Thursday for an afternoon visit”

Telling me what they’re going to do at my house.

That was when a trigger kinda flipped in my head and I saw red.

That and the fact that she was 1.) Throwing tantrum like a toddler and 2.) Reprimanding me as if I am a child. I will be 30 in a few short years. I am far from being a child.

I calmly let her know the following day, after I calmed down. That we would not be home Thursday. I have a cousin (he’s my cousins husband) in hospice, he’s about 80 something years old. He has pancreatic cancer. So I wanted to keep this past week open in case I needed to go comfort my cousin in her time of need. I didn’t want to make plans and then cancel them last minute. I am not that rude.

Well of course that didn’t make them happy. They haven’t let me know. They aren’t talking to me….. Which I am perfectly fine with. But they have recently contacted my husband requesting the girls on Easter.

 

Yesterday.

They requested the girls on a holiday that they don’t even celebrate yesterday. 2 Days before said holiday.

 

I saw RED!!!!!

For the past 5 years we have done the same tradition every year. It is no secret. These in laws know exactly what we do EVERY YEAR!!!! I’ve been talking about these plans for months. I started planning a month ago. The minute Wal-Mart put out Easter stuff… I made the baskets.

You see I make the baskets… cause I love organizing things and my brother does the egg hunt.

So every Easter, my husband gets up and takes the girls to church with his mom. Every EASTER. They get home around 1 or 2 and then we go to my brothers for the egg hunt. After egg hunt we all go eat. Every YEAR.

But now all of a sudden they want us to push our plans around so they can see them?!?!?!?!

NO.

 

Have you ever had your anxiety over not saying the right thing turn into anger where you don’t care anymore????

When I sit there and read what they’re saying (because who says anything to your face anymore) I see red…. then I get anxiety. I freak out about what I should say. I type….delete….type….delete…type….ask my husband if its too mean…delete….type and send. Then my anxiety grows waiting for a response. I think it comes from a childhood of never being able to speak my mind because it would either cause a bad reaction or I would be reprimanded.

 

So that’s where we are in this situation….. don’t you love in laws????

Stand Your Ground!

Because of my anxiety, I kind of let people push me around. I am one of the most helpful people around. I literally help anyone I can. To the point that people take advantage and abuse it. That is usually when my husband steps in and is like hey they’re always asking you to bail them out and you’re always there to bail them out. How will they ever learn? Which is true and when I sit back after that conversation and reflect on things… I usually then stand my ground and say hey, no more.

Something happens when you become a mom. Your whole world shifts for this little person you created. And you become a momma bear. Have you ever made your mom mad? So mad that you see a vein come out in their forehead??? yeah. That is when you know its for real. Well thats where this story ends up at. My momma bear instincts coming out full force.

Here’s a little back story….. I have been with my husband going on 9 years. I am of German and Irish decent. I have a German temper and Irish rage as my brother puts it. So when my husband and I decided we wanted to be more than friends, I let him know that I am a bitch. Because I am. I can be really bitchy. I let my anxiety push me around which allows others to use me but when I get to my breaking point. I am a BITCH. full force.

Now, 9 years later my husband and I have two beautiful daughters. We’ve been married for almost 3 years and we are a team. We’re a pretty solid team at that. I’ve always gotten along with my father in law and only recently my mother in law. Now my FIL (father in law) is remarried and I always got along with his 2nd wife who happens to be my high school best friend’s cousin. So I thought that was cool.

My FIL was always fantastic with my oldest daughter. Ever since she turned 1 he would come see her at least once a month. He would have her over at his house. He’d take her to the park. Out to eat. you name it. And since she started school…..he would eat lunch with her whenever she had a day off.

So because he’s so great to her. I have let things slide. Because he makes some rude comments etc. However, one person can only take so much. So when he started canceling visits because only my youngest daughter was at home…. I started getting angry. He is point blank showing favortism and that isn’t right. My husband and I believe that both girls should be treated equally because neither is better than the other.

After about the fifth time of this happening… i couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So when he texted and said we’ll come another time when the oldest is there. I had it. I said what is wrong with the baby that you can’t come see just her??? You take the oldest out to eat, to the park and you eat at school with her. I said ‘we don’t show favortism and if you would like to continue seeing them I would suggest you don’t either.’

Which got me the response of basically him saying ‘come on now you’re better than that.’ In a complete condescending tone.

So I had it. I was done. I told him that for the future if he wanted to see the girls he would need to make arrangements thru his son. I am a grown adult. And I should be treated as such. His comment basically saying I am lesser of a person because I called him on his shit pissed me off. It brought out the momma bear in me.

I let it go. At that time. I was done texting him and I was done changing our plans to make sure they seen the girls. You see my oldest loves to go to her granny’s every weekend. My mom comes over during the week to see the girls and whatever. So my mom gets a lot of alone time with the baby when the oldest is in school. On the weekends… my oldest goes to my moms to have her alone time. Which I think she needed since the baby was a baby and needed extra attention. So I would post pone going to my moms or change the weekend plans all around so that my FIL and his wife could come see the girls for 20 mins. Yeah. That stopped. Momma bear was mad and Momma bear will protect her kids no matter what.

Well the other day, I was outside doing some yard work and my kids were sitting on the porch being extra cute. So I took the opportunity to snap a photo. They’re just so darn cute. My FIL’s wife decided to steal the photo and post it on her own facebook. That would have been fine. I wouldn’t have cared. Until she commented under my copy of that photo saying when can we see them.

I calmly and politely said Please feel free to contact my husband to set up a date and time. Which then prompted her to put our personal family business all over my cute photo of the girls. Using caps like she is a teenager throwing a tantrum saying We are keeping the girls from them and We are wrong and they did NOTHING wrong. So I said please private message me as this is a family matter and should not be posted on a public forum.

So she did. and threw an even bigger tantrum. I mean a serious tantrum. Yelling at me. Saying things like WHY CAN’T WE SEE THE GIRLS!!! Why are you treating us this way etc.

It was awful.

terrible.

And you see. My anxiety made me sit there and re read the messages and retype the messages over and over because I was afraid of saying something wrong. Thank you anxiety. My anxiety and my husband kept me from going full bitch mode. Even tho I really really wanted to. Just because my FIL shares DNA with my kids does not give him or his wife any….and I mean any rights to them.

What finally hit the trigger and made my anxiety go ‘well let her have it’ was when she told me. We WILL be there THURSDAY and we WILL have a visit with the girls. Basically telling me what she’s going to do at my house. MY HOUSE!

I mean my anxiety will make me do a lot of things. But it will also allow me to be a complete bitch. But my husband asked me to be nicer than I wanted to.

Yes, anxiety makes it difficult for you to stand your ground. For you to stand up to those who push you around.

BUT

when it comes to your kids. Momma bear instincts come right on out. LET THEM! Stand your ground. Do whatever you need to do to protect your kids.

I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal. favortism. But I was the favorite growing up with all my grandmothers. They loved me more and treated me different because I was the only girl. And I got a lot of shit for it too. It caused some resentment from my brothers and cousins because they had to clean or do something and I didn’t.

So I will not tolerate my girls being shown favortism over each other. It’s not right.

And this momma bear has her teeth shown and her claws ready.

Shouldn’t Apologize

Okay so it last night I happened to look at our calendar that is hanging on the wall that faces the laundry room. Since the laundry room is right off the garage…it is the wall we see the most when we come in the house.

I happened to look up and see that my kid is taking lunch twice this week. Considering we did a bit of spring cleaning yesterday… I knew we had exactly one lunchable in the fridge. So after my kids take a bath and I take a shower… I ask her what did she want for lunch tomorrow since I had forgotten…come on everyone forgets sometimes. I asked what she wanted for the two days she’s taking lunch and of course she asks for two different lunchables that we don’t have on hand.

So there I was at 8 PM still needing to take a test going to the store with wet hair. On my way back from the store, I pass a church that has a message that I found quite interesting on their sign. It said ‘if you’re doing it right, you shouldn’t apologize for it’.

And it hit me quite hard the whole way home. Why?

Well I am known for apologizing all the time. Even when I am right. Even when I am doing things the way they should be. I think I am apologizing because I am worried that I am hurting someones feelings.

Even if I am telling the truth, I have been known to go back an apologize for saying something that might have hurt someone’s feelings. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly walking on glass, afraid that anything I say or do will cause the glass to crack or break and I’ll fall. What I mean is that I constantly worry about things I do or say and how they may affect those around me. Like what if I say something wrong and this person feels hurt.

This actually comes from dealing with my brother. I constantly want to tell him off. Or tell him the truth to his face instead of sugar coating things. But I don’t. Why? well my brother has been known to be overly sensitive in the sense that if you tell him he’s being stupid or an idiot….he’ll want to cut himself. This has been going on for many many years. So…

My point of this post is..

Stop!

Stop caring what others might or might not feel. It is not your job to baby anyone’s feelings or take care of how they react. I mean if you’re an adult and you’re talking to an adult… then they should act accordingly.

If you are doing right by you. By your health. You should never have to apologize for anyone else.

This kind of goes back to the post about the worst feeling is having to hide your pain for someone else’s emotions.

Yeah…we need to stop doing that.

I say we because I am completely guilty. All the time.

But if we’re going to break the stigma surrounding our mental health….then we need to stop giving a crap how we make others feel when they’re around us. It is not our job to make sure they’re comfortable. Either they take us as we are…or there’s the door. That sounds so horrible and rude. But it is the truth. For our mental health we shouldn’t surround ourselves with people who force us to be a fake version of ourselves.

Drop a comment….let’s start a conversation about mental health 🙂

Panic! at the Disco… Say Amen

*WARNING* The video could be a trigger for those who cannot do gore!

(like my best friend)

I don’t know about anyone else but I love Brendon Urie. I have been listening to them since I wrote sins came out back when I was in middle school. I love how their sound changes with every album. So when Brendon kept dropping hints on his instagram about something big coming… I was excited. Everytime my notification popped up that he posted something new… I was there watching. Its so bad that I already preordered the album.

In March.

And album that doesn’t come out til June.

I mean that is way too long to wait. But I did anyway and I ordered a PATD hoodie too because who doesn’t A.) love hoodies and B.) love band merch.

He also released the dates of his upcoming tour. But unfortunately, they will be here one day before I have to go to Charlotte for the Warped and thats just too much driving because both places are about an hour to 2 hour drive from my home and its a lot of money to be spending on concerts ;(

So when I found out he had a music video out for Say Amen (Saturday night) I knew that I had to go ahead and watch it. But I didn’t decide to write a review about it til about the 100th time of watching it because I couldn’t really critique it in a bad manner because I was so in awe. PATD has out done themselves again. Brendon is pure genius. and oh so talented.

Ok so when I preordered the album I got 2 songs free which are Say amen and F*$# a silver lining. I had kids in the car so I couldn’t listen to the one with profanity in almost every stanza. So I listened to say amen almost the whole way home. And when he hit that high note…..I couldn’t help but say ‘damn’ it was so beautiful and pure and amazing. This beautiful man has some amazing chops.

So here we go.

The video opens up with a breaking news story that this ancient artifact, known as the devils key, has been stolen. And this key is worth so much. And I think the name of the key has something to do with why he turns into the demonic person in a prior song….Emporer new clothes…

So we go from seeing the news to just hearing in the background of this house while these men, in all black and ski masks, break into this house. They’re all waking towards this door where there is water running. The water stops. The door opens. And out comes Brendon (eep) and he is unphased that these guys are here.

Literally. Not even a flinch. Instead he texts his ‘girlfriend’ that he’ll need 30 minutes before she can come.

Now this seems like it’ll have a cool little fight sequence. PG maybe PG13. There isn’t anything really gory in music videos.

Well, obviously Brendon Urie has had conversations with Quentin Tarantino because what I thought would be a simple choregraphed but not anything too bloody dance fight turned into a scene out of Kill Bill. I mean someone gets a sword stuck in their skull. he cuts someone’s hand off and slams another guys head into the butcher knife. It is crazy. I mean they explored a lot of different ways to kill someone.

It is straight gore.

Ok so they’re dead.

and the doorbell rings

its the girlfriend.

And they get hot and heavy pretty fast.

Really fast.

But how is the dead people not affecting their uhm foreplay?

But then Brendon starts taking his shirt off and the girl see’s the key.

She wants it.

And she kicks Brendon in the balls right as he hits the high note

as in this is why his voice goes so high which is pretty funny.

But she starts to punch him and her form is so flipping wrong it looks so bad. but then she hits him with a bat.

And stills the key

as he is laying down on the ground dying. You hear the sirens in the back ground and at the end you hear the heartbeat.

The same heart beat that is at the beginning of This Is Gospel.

Okay I know I should have probably reviewed the lyrics but the video was just so amazing.

so heres the link for the video Maybe I’ll do the lyrics next if ya’ll want.

Say Amen

What’s the point?

Everyone knows that yesterday, 3/20/2018 was the first day of spring. Right?

And what does spring bring us? Flowers, sunshine, warmth maybe green grass. Of course it also means bees and pollen. So pretty soon I am going to have to start taking an allergy pill everyday. Stupid pollen.

So after a crazy, whacky winter of freezing my bum off, I am looking forward to spring and summer means swimming. But no. We’re in the south. Where all of our seasons hit in one flipping week. Monday it was so warm that I went to the store at like 8 at night without a coat cause it was so warm. Yesterday it was cold and rainy and all around depressing.

This morning, tho. Well this morning I got woken up at 5:30 to a phone call from the school. A 3 hour delay. A 3 hour flipping delay and at 6 am there was no flipping snow on the ground. The ground was barely even wet. Like WTH!!! and of course I was excited about not having to get up and get the big kid dressed and then fight with the little kid to get in the car because lately she has been having tantrums in the morning when it is time to take her sister. I guess she thinks if she throws a fit then we won’t leave and her sister will stay home. yeah nope.

But it didn’t even start snowing til about 8 am. And it wasn’t sticking. Let me repeat that. We had fluffy wet white stuff falling to the ground and disappearing. like magic. POOF. And there is a 3 hour flipping delay. I can understand if the temperature was anywhere near freezing like 33 degrees but no when I checked our temp was 38 degrees and no ice anywhere. The temperature hadn’t dropped anywhere near freezing all night.

Okay.. I know this is sounding like really bad on my part and like I am against schools looking out for our kids….Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids school they are so attentative and awesome. My issue is my husband left for work at 5 am and made it to work 20 mintues away with absolutely no problem and we have a 3 hour delay for school. It makes no sense. I would have been fine with a 2 hour delay

You see my issue with 3 hour delays is simple. There is no time to learn anything. To do anything. The school doors doesn’t open until 10:30 am. The late bell doesn’t ring until 11:05 am and they still feed the kids lunch. Yes I do believe they take 20 mins to eat in class or something. But school ends at 2:30. I am in line every day a 1.

So I drop off the kids at 10:30 am and I have enough time to go grab a bite to eat for lunch and watch half a movie then I am right back up here to pick my kid up. Seriously. I have to condense anything into 2 and a half hours when we have 3 hour delays. Then the rest of my day feels like I have done absolutely nothing.

And today of all days. I have family in from across the country that I have not seen in 20 years. I have to be ready to go out to eat with them in 4 hours after I get my kid which means getting myself and the girls ready to go. I gotta make sure my oldest home work is done. I gotta clean the tornado that hit my house while I was at the grocery store last night.

Seriously….is there some kind of button that the kids hit the minute the mom leaves??? It seems like everytime I leave the girls with their grandmother or their dad to run errands I come home and its like the twilight zone. Its not my house anymore. It is crazy. Then I end up either fussing for hours to make everyone help do it right or I spend an hour cleaning it by myself.

So….today… I feel rushed. all because a little white frozen water fell from the sky and disappeared on the ground.

What kids hear

What my kid hears versus what I as the parent hears. Now that statement could go many ways as many parents know. But this is just one story.

So my kid has been doing this project thing in class and I thougth cool its a class project as in it stays in class. they had to choose an animal, research said animal and then build an animal out of clay. Cool. Right?

Nope.

So she comes home from school yesterday and hands me her binder so I can look thru it and sign it and theres a paper in there. She has to create a habitat for the animal she has chosen.

And boy is she excited.

So what she hears is ‘a cool project where I can draw and paint and create’

But what I hear is ‘Crap I’m going to burn myself a thousand times again with the hot glue gun.’

which I have

you see she chose a dog. She loves dogs.

So the habitat that she would need would be a backyard right?

but where do dogs lay down in the back yard???

a dog house.

And how did I decide to build this dog house??? with popsicle sticks.

held together by HOT GLUE!

and I’ve only been working on this thing today and I have burned every single finger. And half the time I am not even sure how it happened and sometimes its because my kids bump into me and my and touches the hot spot or the hot glue.

Either way. My kid hears yay project and I hear ouch. Crap. Damn. Shit. Well you know the kind of vulgar that slips out of your mouth when you get hurt. its like stubbing your toe.

But I am that type of mom. I am going to keep burning myself anyway. Until it gets done.

Yeah……I might need some positive vibes haha. When I was a kid I always had my mom help because she was artistic and I’m not. But now I can’t ask her to do it because she’ll be like… nope its your turn. haha. And this is the 2nd project in less than 2 months. >.<

Running into the past

When my husband’s best friend passed away quite suddenly 7 years ago, his not so great friend decided that was his opportunity to swoop in and try to fill the void of best friend.

And since my husband was in mourning……he didn’t really notice it while I did and so did my mother in law.

This was before we were married.

This was when we were just dating. This was even before I got pregnant.

Now what makes this such a bad friend???

Let me count the ways….

Well lets see. him and his wife encouraged my husnand to lie to me. On a regular basis. They encouraged him to seek other females when I started to put my foot down to their shinanigans. And they have lied about me quite often. Going as far as telling people that I beat my husband, that I gave my husband an STD and that they had to have the cops physically remove me from their property… Which was all a lie. Such a dangerous, disgusting lie. For one, the only time I have ever…. EVER swung on my husband when it wasn’t a playful wrestling was once when I was in a major panic attack.. He wasn’t around when it started so I had my head down. I was in a ball. And he snuck up on my and grabbed me from behind it what he thought was a hug and I thought was something more violent so I swung my elbow back and caught his shoulder. I did not have an std or give my husband an std. What wouldn’t they say to keep him under their thumb. They never had to call the cops on me. What really happened was they caused so many arguments between us that they had eventually worn him down and convinced him to move out and leave me while I was at work. I knew he was there and I sat in their parking lot because they were in an apartment complex. I texted him saying come tell me to my face that you’re leaving and he woulnd’t so I punched my car which was an older car and was all metal. I did, however, damage my hand and screamed ‘fuck’ because it hurt. Then I got in my car and went home. Without the cops showing up and without them removing me from their property. Lies, Lies and more lies.

Now if those examples don’t show you how bad these people were… Leave me a comment because I can give you a lot more of how toxic these people are. They literally will suck you dry and then drop you like a hot potato to find someone else to drain.

So after the hiatus between me and my husband. We decided that we were meant to be together…. I know that is cliche. We had started getting together once a week to have a lunch with our daughter because I grew up without a dad. and I didn’t want my kid to experience the same thing. So after two or three weeks we decided we should try again and it has been great. I thought that I would be the bigger person and try to just be civil with these monsters. So we took our daughter to see them on her 2nd birthday. And they talk to my husband and my daughter but completely ignore me and acts like I am not even there. That is when I knew that they were completely toxic, that they didn’t deserve my time and that I owed them absolutely NOTHING!!! Because I never did. They never helped me even tho I have bent over backwards for them. So I said screw them and my husband followed suit.

Now since then they have blamed me for taking their cash flow, I mean their friend… let me explain. We had just started back dating and I was at his moms with him… when he received a text message from said friend that said ‘can you pay my $400 light bill’ my husband’s check was barely $500 and he had a car payment and a child to help raise so how in the hell or why would he even contemplate paying another family’s light bill when he doesn’t even live there baffles me to this day.

I thought we were done with these people until last year when my daughter started school and just so happened to be in the same class as their youngest daughter. I could tolerate seeing her at parent events. Whatever. I am not that petty. But what I would not stand for was the wife coming to lunch with her daughter and taking that time to question my daughter about how she is, how her sister is and how their dad is as well as telling her that they have photos of her dad they would love to show her one day… UHM HELL NO. The bitch in me went the fuck off. I’m sorry for my vulgar language but I am a momma bear. You do not question my daughter. EVER. So my husband decided to send the wife a very lengthy message about said actions because I was such a hot head that if I got involved…..there probably would be a restraining order against me.

Now you see… they are not good for my mental illness. I don’t think any toxic person is. Seriously. They make you go insane…..So I have made a choice of avoiding them at all cost. I mean I don’t go out of my way to not see them. I do however, IGNORE the hell out of them. I pretend they don’t exist if I see them anywhere.

So, this long rant leads me to today….when I am at Wal-Mart looking for stuff for a project and I see this chick holding an LOL ball which are expensive. This chick is like super skinny. I mean like really really sickly skinny and has a hood on so I cannot see exactly who it is and I have been known to strike up random conversations with customers at stores. Comes from working in fast food I guess. So I am walking past and I see this chick holding this insanely expenisve small toy and I say ‘those LOL balls are expensive as shit”

It is when this person stands up and turns towards me that I realize I had done fucked up. It was the wife. I am pretty sure that she could tell exactly what I was thinking as she started to talk I walked right away. Now I wasn’t raised to be rude but I was like NOPE.

And that is exactly what I did. I noped it right out of there. Moved on as fast as I could without looking back. Why? Because knowing these people…..they would take this accidental statement as an invitation back into our lives and I have had my fill of sould sucking vermon.

Thanks for listening 🙂

I Am The Change!

So all of Linkin Park fans know that today is Chester Bennington’s birthday. While many of us are still sad about his passing. It was a big hit for those of us who fight many of the same battles that he struggled with every single day. The same battles that he talked about so openly.

So many of us fans wanted a way to celebrate the life of Chester since it is his birthday. And it is because many of us loved Chester and wanted to honor him, Talinda Bennington the strong, beautiful and outspoken wife of Chester asked everyone to post a photo with the words “I am the Change” written on our hands to symbolize that we know the 5 signs of mental illness. And that we are going to be the change to the stigmatism.

I have spoken very loudly about the stigmatism that plagues those who suffer from any form of mental illness. and this isn’t just anxiety or depression. Stigmatism plagues many of those who suffer autism, ADHD, ODD, and many more.

My best friends kid is autistic. And he suffers from a lot of stigmatism. To the point that some family pretend that his autism is made up and that his antics are just him being bad. Which enrages me. But that isn’t the worst of it. It is even so bad that his school holds his autism over him as if it is a reason to be held back a grade even though he is as smart as a whip. All because his ‘social’ skills are not what they believe is ‘up to par’. Well uhm I have been around this kid since he was a baby. In fact, my mom and I actually called his autism. We baby sat him one day and we could tell that there was something. Not that we treated him any different. He’s about 6 months older than my oldest daughter. In fact she’s his best friend. We have never ever treated him any different. In fact, I think that I do more for or with him to compensate for the bullshit he has to deal with. The kid is 7 and he’s already faced a world full of stigma. Unfortunately, he has a long life that looks like it will be full of stigma.

And that isn’t the only stigma this family faces. My best friend suffers from PTSD, depression and anxiety. and possibly more, I can’t remember right at the moment. Her husband has depression. So when I talk about being able to hang around my friends and they understand when I am having such a bad time…. They completely understand. Because they have dealt with it themselves.

But this isn’t a sad post! This is about Chester! And if Chester was still with us. (It’s sad saying that ;( because he was such an inspirational person) He would be right with us… Fighting the stigmatism. Which is what we should all do. We should continue fighting for what Chester believed in. We should continue fighting against the stigmatism that plagues pretty much anyone who suffers any form of illness of the mind. Because anyone with a spinal illness, a heart illness or anything else is sympathized with but those with ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, etc. are frowned upon. Lets put an end for this stigma. Lets #BreakTheStigma and #MakeChesterProud

Out of a bad mood

So with a mental illness like anxiety, your moods can kind of switch really fast and sometimes well most of the time you’re in a bad mood.

So how do you get out of the bad mood?

For me. I watch youtube videos. I sing. I dance around. Green Day is a great band to listen to when you just need to jump around. Which makes your bad mood kind of disappear.

But I mean I don’t just turn it on and instantly drop my mood. No it takes time. It takes a process. it takes a few videos. But with Green Day…. I usually get out of the mood pretty fast. sometimes.

Another thing is watching my favorite bands be just like everyone else. We see them as celebrities and for some reason society holds them to this higher standard so when I see Pete Wentz do something silly it makes me smile. Or Brendon Urie. Or even Patrick Stump.

My last bad mood was because of 2 seperate anxiety attacks within 5 hours of eachother that when I got home I just started surfing youtube and found a video of Patrick Stump performing Uma Thurman on the acoustic guitar. He did the Munster part and I was in awe. Like I need to pick up a guitar again just so I can learn that. He doesn’t need autotune and is so flipping talented. I mean, I feel like the MANIA album was a testament to the vocal capabilities that is Patrick Stump.

When I am in a bad mood, I force myself even if I don’t want to, to play with my kids. Because kids do the darndest things. They can be so flipping cute sometimes even if they drive you bonkers.

So how do you guys get out of a bad mood???

What they don’t tell you

As many of you guys know, I had a major panic attack yesterday over the decision of buying new tires versus used tires. Why? Because new tires are expensive as crap especially for my car. I have an SUV so the tires are bigger and with that cost more. But why not just get used tires? I mean so many people get used tires and are just fine.

Well, you see, I have kids in my car 90% of the time and it would be my luck that I would get a used tire and it would blow and trying to find a used tire around here that matches my car takes DAYS. and I didn’t have days. My tire was on the verge of blowing. There was no tread on it whats so ever. I desperately needed a new tire. So I went and bought new ones.

I thought once I made the final decision, I would be fine. Nope. The wait was over an hour because there was 3 cars ahead of me. So I waited and walked around and couldn’t breathe.

You see, that is something the doctors never tell you about anxiety and panic attacks. Even though you might not be in an active attack….. you will still feel the weight of the elephant on your chest. You will still feel like you can’t get a decent breath. You will still feel like you’re going to pass out. You will still feel like you’re in an attack. Even when the initial attack has passed. After your tears have dried. After it all, it still feels like it’s there.

So, since it was taking so long and I was so bleh from this silly attack (I know it was irrational because it was a need but you couldn’t make me believe it) I decided I couldn’t cook. I just couldn’t deal with having to stand in the kitchen for a minimum of 30 minutes cooking dinner when I felt like I was going to pass out.

So I got take out. Which is find and dandy because I already had a fend for yourself night on the board and decided that we would take that for last night and move everything down a night. But it was on my way home that another attack overwhelmed me to the point that when I got out of my car at home, my legs almost collasped beneath me.

Here’s why. I live in the country. So there are long winding roads to get to my house. It takes me 13 minutes to get to my moms from my house and about 20 minutes to get to the Big Walmart. So I’m on one of the long roads and I’m fine. My car is no longer shaking, the drive is smooth. That is until I look up in my rearview mirror and see this asshat behind me. On my tail end. Swerving.

He almost hit 5 different mail boxes. I just knew he was going to hit my tail end on one side and cause me to swerve. And since I am in an SUV, swerving because someone hit one side of my tail end would possibly cause my car to roll. You see, SUV’s have a higher center of gravity. They’re top heavy because they’re higher off the ground. Sharp turns have a risk of rolling the car. So when I got home, safe, I was still so shaken that I almost collasped. I carried the food in the house. Held my composure giving my kids their dinner and then collasped on my bed. Their daddy was home and he knew what was going on.

Which is why my husband is so flipping amazing. Honestly! I am so flipping lucky to have him. Whenever I need to hide so my kids don’t see the worst of an attack, he steps up. Even though he works 10-12 hours 6 days a week. He still picks up my slack when the ugly little monster wants to rear its ugly head. He is an amazing man even after everything we have been thru. My anxiety is one thing he has NEVER thrown in my face. Ever!

So its the next day… I should be fine right? Nope! oh hell no. That would be too easy right? Yep. you see because of the attack…. well 2 attacks… I could not for the life of me go to bed. At all. I laid awake and my brain….being another entity entirely not of my control, kept replaying everything from the day. And how awful I felt as a human being not being able to bring anything financially into my household. But can spend it in a heart beat. I felt like I was worthless.

So I can’t sleep. I think I finally fell asleep after midnight and woke up this morning at 5 laying at the foot of my bed, when did I move? with the most awful crick in my neck because my pillow was on the floor. and I still felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was on the verge of puking.

You see, no doctor I have ever seen about my anxiety has ever warned me that you will feel it the next day. They tell you what a panic attack will feel like, what it might feel when your anxiety decides to grab your mind by the throat and shake it to its core. But what the never tell you is the after effects. They never tell you what to feel when its all over.

And it is different for each person. Hell it is different for each attack. Some attacks… I crash. So flipping hard. I go into an attack fighting to breathe and afterwards I am just so exhausted because an attack is like running a marathon without stopping. So I crawl in bed and sleep. One time I slept for 13 hours straight. I was in high school. My mom was scared because I didn’t budge. I didn’t wake up. I didn’t move. I didn’t get up to pee. Nothing. I was knocked out. Then there are sometimes where I still feel like anxiety’s nasty, ugly monster has its foot firmly placed against my throat so I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like I am going to puke. Sometimes I just feel like an idiot for having such an irrational response to something. They never tell you that you’re going to feel the effects even after it has ended.

Boy I wish they could’ve told me what I was going to feel. So I could maybe, just maybe prepare for it.

As always, thank you guys for listening (reading). It is nice to know I can be open and just tell it raw. Not have to sugar coat or protect anyone’s feelings.

Leave a comment and tell me how you feel after an attack. I would love to talk.