You Don’t Have to be anyone’s Cure

 

Okay. Well this is a saying that I personally have a hard time putting into effect. You are not obligated to be anyone’s cure. Especially if you suffer from a mental illness.

The thing is. You are already battling your own mind. 24/7. You are the strongest person around just by getting up and fighting the same battle that kept you up last night. So why should you be anyone else’s cure.

 

See. I cannot help it. Personally. I have this inner urge to save anyone and everyone. I have actually dated someone because a part of me felt like I could save them. And it was a waste of time. You cannot save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Just like you can’t help someone unless they want to help themselves.

The rational part of me thinks ‘hey, I have my own family to worry about. The only people that should be on my priority list are my kids, my husband followed by my mom and nephews/nieces. (because well they’re kids, you should always have time for kids.) I am actually extremely close to my nephews. I treat them as if they were my own kids.

But the irrational part of me thinks ‘I can do this! I can help EVERYONE’ even though the more I push myself, the more I am damaging not only my mental health but my physical health as well. Because it never fails, the people who are always calling for help…..always call late at night or early in the wee hours of the morning. And I feel obligated to go. They need me. They have no one else. And here my friends is where I allow myself to be used.

It actually has taken a lot of time to grow a backbone to say NO. I cannot do it. I have other obligations. My family comes first. And even now….. that I can say no… It takes a while for me to get to that point. I think that it is the empathy part of me that just gives and gives and gives. But when I start feeling like they are abusing my empathy, my trust, my helping hand and become greedy…. that is when I say no. I pull back. I stop being that person for them. Then I kick myself for being too ‘mean’ but sometimes tough love is needed (or at least that is what my mom says)

 

Although you, or I, feel like we can save the world. That we should save the world. We are not obligated to be anyone’s cure. we are, however, obligated to take care of ourselves first because you cannot fill anyone else’s cup if you’re running on empty. We are like a car. We cannot run if we don’t have the gas.

So……even if it is just for 5 minutes… Try to take those 5 minutes to relax and recharge your batteries.

Feeling Sorry

 

I think one of my biggest flaws is my empathy.

Which is weird because my oldest brother has no empathy at all. He can punch someone and break their nose. And he will never feel sorry about it. Like ever. He has done a lot of crappy things and he never thinks twice about them. It is awful.

Me on the other hand. I feel all kinds of emotions. All the time. Not only that. But I feed off other emotions as well. If I am around someone and they’re having some type of emotion. I feel it. It becomes my emotion. It is the worst thing in the world because if I am around too many people with too many emotions it is disastrous for my anxiety and mental health.

But the worst thing about empathy. Is you can and probably will feel sorry for assholes. Or feel their emotions along with your emotions. it is the worst thing in the world.

For instance, my oldest brother can be an asshole. To a lot of people. A lot of the time. But I love him a lot. Enough so that I feel sorry for him and with him and I want to help him. Which I do. For a lot of people. No matter how many times I get burned.

And every single time I get burned. I get bummed. I get down and my mental health suffers from it.

But the next time I do the same exact thing. I feel for them and I put myself out there. It is a vicious circle. And I don’t know how to get out of it because when I do stand up and speak out, I feel like the asshole.

 

Just a random rant.

I should have stayed in bed

So yesterday was not a good day. Like at all. And I only have myself to blame. which I shouldn’t right? I mean bad days happen. It’s apart of life. But my anxiety makes me think that I did everything wrong. That everything is my fault.

So I woke up with the crud. Yeah. It is going around pretty bad and I thought that maybe, just maybe I would be exempt from it. But nope. It hit me full force yesterday. And I really should have seen it coming. I mean the baby has a cold and the older one had strep last week. So it was inevitable that it would hit me. Thankfully it’s just a head cold and not strep. Since I catch strep so easily.

So instead of sleeping in, my body decided it needed to get up at 6 AM on a Sunday. Thank you body. Instead of cooking breakfast, which honestly would have been the cheaper route, I decided hey I wanna go out and get Hardees. It rained all day Sunday. All flipping day. It is winter still. The stupid groundhog saw or didn’t see his shadow so we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter and we have freezing rain. So much rain that we have huge puddles in the middle of the road.

So I am driving and I feel like my breath stinks. I grab a piece of gum, eyes never leaving the road because I knew I had a stick of gum in my cup holder within reach. We live like 20 mins away from Hardees in the country. So I get tired of the gum and decide to throw it out. I roll the window down and this car is coming straight towards me.

And they hit a puddle.

When my window is down.

So I get hit with the biggest splash of freezing cold rain water thru my window and all over my windshield that I have lost sight of the road.

Thankfully that it was only me and the other car on that road at the time.

I should have taken this as an omen to go back home and stay in bed.

Really I should have just stayed in bed.

So I bring home the food and we eat. I decide I am going to be lazy and eat in my lovely warm and cozy bed because I feel like crap. After we all get done eating I decide to lay down and watch TV. That’s when I hear my husband up and cleaning.

So I feel guilty. Because as a stay at home mom I feel like it is my job to clean and cook and take care of the kids while my husband works a very hard warehouse job. So when he is on his only day off and he’s cleaning, I feel like I have failed at my only job. I feel like crap. Not just because I am sick but because my husband, who is a hardworking man should be able to relax on his day off and instead he is cleaning.

Now I know that he’s doing this so that I can relax, so that I can take a sick day. But that’s not how my mind works. I felt guilty that he’s doing so much when he should be able to kick back, relax and play his video games. I felt bad. So, even though I am coughing my head off and sick, I get up to clean. We have had sickness in our home. So I felt this would be the opportune moment to deep clean the house. Which means steaming all the non carpet floors and using the carpet cleaner on the rugs.

I lent my carpet cleaner out a few months ago to my brother. But he never used it. So it just sat in their spare room for months. So it should have been fine right? Nope! I go into our daughters room with all intentions of deep cleaning and disinfecting. I pull the trigger that sprays the cleaning solution on the floor. I let go of the trigger and pull the machine backwards to find.

It wasn’t sucking the liquid up.

At all.

Nothing.

So now I have his awfully big wet floor and no way to get the liquid up. I am livid. I should have stayed in bed.

But we have had that thing for over 4 years. It has been thru everything. My oldest potty training and having accidents. Many puke incidents. My youngest diaper explosions. Our old dogs accidents (she was a very old dog and she passed away a year ago) It has cleaned up spills and splats. It deep cleaned when the flu hit. I mean this thing was used. but I wasn’t thinking that rationally yesterday. Nope.

But I didn’t cry.

I fussed about it not working. For a good 20 minutes.

Then, I get my shoes on and my hoodie and head out the door. To get a new cleaner.

Yay, more money spent.

I am not a fan of spending money. I always feel guilty every time I spend money. Because I am not working. I am maintaining a house and a busy schedule, all the bills, all the cooking. Everything that doesn’t include my husband’s job.

The store was fine. I mean other than spending money. Everything else was fine. I can deal with people who think the whole aisle belongs to them when they stop to talk to the person they see every single day like its the first time that they have seen them in 10 years.

I come home and clean my floors. Oh my gawd. I thought that these floors were clean. They looked clean. But that is the thing about carpets. They can look clean but deep down they are dirty. way dirty. See I just moved into this house almost a month ago and because of everything hitting at once, we by passed cleaning the floors. I mean they’re almost white floors like an off white and you would be able to see dirt right? But the cleaner really got the dirt and grime out of it. Could have been from when we moved in since we were in and out a lot.

Next was steam cleaning the floors in the kitchen, laundry room and bathrooms.  That wouldn’t have been so bad if my toddler didn’t decide this was the time she was going to be underneath my foot steps every second. It always seems that around nap time she decides to be the biggest thorn in my side. But still it was fine.

My oldest had spent the night at my moms. So I had to get her yesterday so she could get ready for school. But because it took 3 hours for my husband to get an oil change ( I did not want to take my toddler out in the crummy weather because of her cold) I didn’t get my oldest when I wanted to. Instead, I got her later. I was annoyed because he didn’t text. Because when he says he’s on his way and its an hour later and I haven’t heard from him. I worry. I stress. I freak out. I should have just stayed in bed.

We get back home and pick out the clothes for the week. Yes I am that kind of parent. We pick out the school clothes and have them in a storage tub that has 5 drawers every Sunday. It is almost 6 pm. We are usually eating by now. So I am feeling crummy that dinner is not on the table. That I am just now cooking.

It’s now 7 pm and dinner is not done. It is not cooking right. I didn’t do something right. It just isn’t doing what it is supposed to. Now it is 8pm and dinner still isn’t done. My oldest bed time is 9 pm and she hasn’t had dinner and hasn’t had a bath and dinner isn’t done.

The top is starting to burn and the underneath is still gooey. I feel like a failure. I am so anxious and depressed that I, for one day, am not living up to my job. Living up to my promise. Living up to the standard that I set for myself every single day. I should have stayed in bed.

In an anxious, depressed, pissed state I take the dinner out and plop it on the stove. Pissed that its not done. Pissed that I just wasted food. Wasted money. Wasted time. And tell my husband to fix the kids whatever they want for dinner. That I am going to bed. I was upset.

I should have stayed in bed.

And this morning. I wake up and feel this massive amount of guilt. All over. I was the worst me yesterday and I feel like crap. Maybe if I had just stayed in bed and let my husband be the hero things wouldn’t have fallen apart. I wouldn’t feel this guilty. I wouldn’t be in this mood. But no. I felt guilty that he was doing my job and got up when I should have just stayed in bed.

 

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. This is me. In a vulnerable state.

#Lyrics Just Give Me a Reason-Pink

Right from the start
You were a thief, you stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me, that weren’t all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you’ve been talking in your sleep oh oh
Things you never say to me oh oh
Tell me that you’ve had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars, it’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
I’m sorry I don’t understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine (Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin’
And it’s all in your mind (Yeah but this is happenin’)
You’ve been havin’ real bad dreams oh oh
You used to lie so close to me oh oh
There’s nothing more than empty sheets between our love, our love
Oh our love, our love
Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
I never stop, you’re still written in the scars on my heart
You’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
Oh tear ducts and rust
I’ll fix it for us
We’re collecting dust, but our love’s enough
You’re holding it in
You’re pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We’ll come clean
Just give me a reason just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars, it’s been written in the scars on our hearts
That we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars, it’s been written in the scars on our hearts
That we’re not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again
Oh we can learn to love again
Oh we can learn to love again oh oh
Oh that we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love
The song is about desire to hold onto a relationship even when it appears to be breaking down
This song has meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, I tend to blow arguments way out of proportion and I think every thing I fuss about will be the last argument. That I ruined my relationship. And when I listen to this song during an argument I feel like maybe I am not being so awful that maybe we can get passed this.
Please note that I have been with my husband for 9 years. I have always thought that any argument is the ‘big’ one. It never is. We always work things out. It is my anxiety that makes me feel like I messed up, that we are having the big one. Yay for anxiety right.