Searching for those like me

I hate attention.

Literally hate being the center of attention

I avoid it at all possible.

I have suffered alone for many, many years.

So I know how depressing it can be to have a panic attack and NO ONE notices. NO ONE cares.

I get it.

And honestly…. I hate feeling like I am alone. I hate feeling like no one understands me.

Luckily, as my circle grew smaller from those who only used me… I found one friend who suffers with anxiety, depression, panic attacks and PTSD. We balance each other I think. We listen to each other. Literally.  If I stop at her house when I’ve had an anxiety attack… I end up staying there for goodness 2 to 3 hours just from talking. and our conversations drift to random topics so seamlessly.

But I am getting off topic….that darn attention thing again.

What I have been doing since Chester Bennington passed is searching Twitter.

You see….When Kurt Cobain died….The world saw a massive number of copy cat suicides. Because they felt that if Cobain couldn’t make it…then how could they. Right? It is hard to see one of your idols who you relate to leave us in such a traumatic way. It is awful.

Linkin Park spoke to me thru so many situations. I remember being 9 years old listening to them on MTV. Chester was so pretty (and it hurts to say was, I keep wanting to say is)  His vocal ability was so inspiring. I mean here is this guy who can sing and then scream with such ease. The words he sang….I could relate to many things that I personally went thru growing up. Even now… I can listen to these old songs and relate them to things that I see or feel today.

You see, I am the type of person who feels music. I don’t just hear a beat and hear some random words. I feel them. I can listen to a song a million times if it speaks to me. If it moves me emotionally.

(I feel like I have said this before. and if I have… I am sorry)

So since we lost Chester in July. I been looking for people on Twitter who express their mental health. Especially those who feel alone. Those who are experiencing panic attacks or feeling depressed. And just letting them know. Hey, you are not alone. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

Typically I just simply say ‘sending positive thoughts your way’ It is a simple and easy way that I can spread kindness. That I can let them know they are not alone. There are others out here that feel the same way.

Now I am not posting this to gain any attention.

My sole purpose is that well I have about 96 followers now. Which I am ecstatic about. Thank you guys. I am more thankful that you could ever know. But if each one of you guys searches twitter for any mental health condition and just let one person know that they’re not alone, that you’re thinking about them….Then maybe…just maybe…we will be that closer to making it easier to talk about our issues.

How is it that a patient with heart failure gets sympathy but those suffering with a chemical imbalance gets shunned? Now please don’t read that the wrong way. My dad had heart failure. He had 3 heart attacks before he passed. I feel for everyone who has anything going on in their life (that’s the overly empathetic part of me again.) But I also don’t think it is right that we who suffer a mental illness should feel like we have to suffer alone because the world cannot show an ounce of empathy to what we may be going thru on a daily basis.

So what do you say guys???? Will you send a tweet to a random person letting them know that you are thinking about them?? That they’re not suffering alone? That there are others like them???

No Instructions

As all of you know…. I have been doing this squat challenge.

Yesterday, I managed to do 100 all at once. Which was a wonderful thing. I haven’t been able to do that. I had been breaking it down into 4 sections of 25.  And I did them first thing in the morning.

Which was a victory! yay me.

But that might have been one of the 2 things that were good yesterday.

The other thing was….well I like to meal plan. I like to have extra food. Because growing up…..we really didn’t have food. Hunger is a real pain that I knew as a kid. So I typically spend most of my money stock piling food.

So Sunday, my girls are coughing and its like a bark and they’re running fevers. Only one is in school so I decided to keep her home yesterday hoping it was a simple bug that would disappear as fast as it reared its ugly little head.

Well as they’re granny (my mom) shows up to spend time with the sick kids, I decide it is the perfect day to go to the meat market because well you can buy in bulk cheap. Which I did and that is where my other victory came in because I break the down into freezer bags to store in our deep freezer. I like to buy about 2 months worth at a time so I am only making that big purchase once every two month. So I bought a little over 80 lbs of chicken and ground beef for only $258. It broke down into 40 bags of ground beef at a little over a pound per bag and 29 bags of chicken. Victory! cause if you’re trying to buy that same amount in the grocery store when you go shopping you’re looking at way more than that. I was thrilled. Because I did the math…it came down to about $3 per pound when in the store its $5 per pound roughly.

That is where my victories ended.

My youngest hasn’t pooped (sorry if that is too much information, she’s 1.) And lucky me… I ran out of apple juice and apple sauce. Which in my kids is an instant cleanser. So while I am trying to put the meat away she is constipated and crying because her stomach hurts. She is screaming. She is throwing a tantrum. Because not only is she hurting…it is wayyyy past nap time. And she is fighting her granny who is trying to love on her and help her go to sleep. I mean literally fighting. The throwing the head back scream flailing type that only kids can master.

(*Now I am not sure why I feel that this needs to be said. But whenever I do the meat market day… I sanitize my entire kitchen and wash my hands like five times before I touch meat and wash them five times when changing meat. I freak out over the possibility of contaminating my food.*)

After all the meat issues is said and done and the baby has fallen asleep I do my victory dance for 2.5 seconds. Because my dog….who was in his kennel because he tried to bite my kid and we’re trying to rehome him decided to crap all in the cage. Apparently, he’s sick. The food my kids like to slip him thru the cracks (because they still love him even tho he’s aggressive) has turned his stomach. So I shut him in the laundry room and sanitize his kennel…. Then I rush to give him a bath because who doesn’t like warm water being washed over you when you’re sick… Then it is back in the kennel for him.

Not even 5 minutes after I put him in there does he do it again. Poor dog. and poor me because everything that I had just done….has to be redone. Crap.

Now my oldest is coughing her head off, hacking up her itty bitty lungs. and I am running around like a chicken without a head. I am pushing the limit on my heart racing trying to get everything done….

Cough meds and water is provided then I give the dog another bath. Pull out my hair dryer and on low setting I dry him. Because well I am weird.

He’s back in the kennel….and starts whining. So I am like great. Let me take him out before I have to clean this cage again….. Before I can even get to him…..it happens. but this time he doesn’t get anything on him.. So good boy…

I put him in the laundry room again and sanitize the kennel again. The smell has turned my stomach by now.

The kennel is done. he’s back in.

Okay, maybe I can sit down for two minutes.

Nope. he starts whining. By this time the baby is up. She can’t breathe thru her nose. Its so full of mucus. She’s barking away. So because she’s only a year…she will be two soon… I go in search for the medicine she can have. Now I know I only have a few moments to get things done. so I rush to give the baby meds. Throw my shoes on. Grab the leash and me and the dog are on our way outside.

He does his business…..then somehow… I am still not sure how… He manages to break loose and RUNS. I mean he literally takes off as fast as a shooting bullet. And I am sick on my stomach and cannot run. Well, that is no excuse. I literally cannot run on a good day.

By now.. I am yelling for him. Chasing him. Trying to get him. And crying. Everything that could have gone wrong yesterday. did.

I was on the verge of a breakdown. Luckily….my neighbor helped me capture the dog.

 

So here comes this post. And honestly… I have been thinking about this topic for awhile. It was going to be different. It was going to be about my 6 year old who has began taking 30 minutes to simply get dressed. That is not including getting her hair done..she’s mixed so not too simple. Doesn’t include brushing her teeth or getting shoes and coat on. Oh No. It is simply putting a shirt, pants and socks on. THIRTY MINUTES.. That is crazy. I can get dressed in 5. And it is only recently that she has begun doing this. So that is what this post was going to be about.

But life is funny that way. Apparently. There was a reason why I hadn’t gotten around to writing about it until today. Because. Anxiety shows itself in some weird ways.

Yesterday was such an exhausting day for anyone. Even if you don’t suffer from anxiety. But because I do….it took a lot out of me. I am still feeling the effects of it. But when you’re a mom and your kids are sick….there is no off button. There is no handbook.

My kids kept barking all day yesterday and their fevers kept going up and down that I decided it was time to go to the doctor. Now I do not  take sickness lightly and I also don’t go running to the doctor offices with every single fever. So last night…..I sat for at least an hour weighing the pros and cons of everything. I knew I wasn’t sending her to school because she hadn’t been fever free for 24 hours without the help of tylenol. But did I really want to take them for a cold to the doctor and possibly expose them to the flu.

So I decided that if their fevers kept coming back….then I would take them. They are my whole life. I would lay down on a puddle of water so they could cross without getting wet. I give them my all, all the time. Because I am their mom. They have also kicked their daddy to the couch to sleep with their mom because they’re sick and I guess being mommy makes it better. My poor husband.

It is a good thing I did decide to take them. Not only was the doctor not crowded. But they have the flu and we caught it in the time frame that giving meds can help. So that was my day. And tomorrow…. I am disinfecting the entire house. No sleep for me. Work work work work. (on a side note. It is days like these that make me wonder how I could work a 9-5 take the kids to and from school go eat lunch go on field trips disinfect a house, cook, clean, run errands, do laundry, go to school and maintain a blog. I literally push myself every single day to get everything done)

So this is where we are. This post. In life, there is no handbook. There are no set rules to follow. Things are not black and white. There is no guidelines on how to be a mom. There is no rules for the day to follow. It is crazy. cause sometimes I wish there was. Like with keeping my kid out sick… there is no checklist that tells you ‘yeah she needs to stay home’ Things are never that simple. I wish they were.

 

Day 8

 

Okay so I thought this squat challenge was going to be a good thing. I thought it was going to be fun. The video didn’t show exactly how much you feel it in your thighs.

And trying to find time to fit in 100 squats every single day when you’re running around like a chicken with your head cut off…. Is not very easy.

I am actually getting anxiety from needing to get all of the squats in.

But then I did the string test. As I said the other day. I cut strings to meet ends exactly around my thighs and around my behind.

So below you will see the end of the string. and then you’ll see the red mark which is where the other end of the string meets. It is progress. My thighs are showing more progress than my butt. However, it is still a small victory for me so I’ll take it.

 

 

 

Day 7

Okay guys….so it is technically day 7 of my squat challenge. Which means I have been doing 100 squats every day since Valentines day.

Well… you remember how I said I didn’t feel anything…..

Well after a few days I really started to feel it. Not so much when I walk or sit. But I could feel a little bit of tension and pain when I would do my squats.

Now around day  2 or 3 I cut some string to match perfectly around my butt and thigh. What this means is that the ends of the strings touch exactly. No overlap.

Now since I don’t have a tape measure like they use in sewing, I only have the kind you would use to measure things with like the wall. I figured this would give me an accurate measure of progress.

And well… Day 2 or 3 the strings matched exactly… Day 7….there is a small overlap of string. Which means the measurements of my legs is starting to slim down.

I can’t tell you how excited that makes me. I know its like a couple centimeters and all. But it is progress. I haven’t been able to lose weight in a very long time. A VERY LONG TIME.

I have fat thighs. I have always had fat thighs. and having kids only made it worse. Toning down my thighs is a very difficult thing. My thighs are one of the many reasons why I have low self esteem. And low self esteem adds to the anxiety and stress. Going out in public, I have always worn pants and capri’s. Even swimming. I cannot wear anything short. My thighs look gross and fat and full of cellulite. This last summer I went swimming with my nephews quite a bit. I wore a tank top and yoga capri’s because I didn’t want to show to much or be flabbing around. I cannot wear a bikini top around my nephews. I just don’t feel comfortable showing that much boobs to these young boys. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way.

But I mean I am their aunt. they are getting older and I really just wouldn’t show that much boob around any young boy. Or at all. My brother (my nephews dad) Not the other brother that can be a punk. This brother always told me you dress the way you want to be treated. You carry yourself the way you want to be treated. If you go around dressing in sleazy clothes acting like you’re easy… Then that is how you are going to be treated. He didn’t mean it in a mean manner. Even though that is how most people take it. He meant it so that I could be safe. He didn’t want others to take advantage of me based upon what I wore or acted. He wanted me to be strong and confident.

What he didn’t know is that my anxiety… and my low self esteem… yeah it took this advice and turned it into. I’m fat and ugly and must cover up always.

But
i am getting way off topic.

The squat challenge is working…. it is a little painful. But it is working. I can’t wait to see the end results.. I am so impatient.

Stress and anxiety

Ok so my mom had me run to GNC to get her some collagen powder because she says it helps her arthritis in her knees and while I was there I found these gummies.

So I bought them.

And when I got to my car I chewed 2 as suggested.

And since then I’ve felt kind of relaxed. Which is amazing.

You see I believe it’s working because when someone texted asking for financial help…which is typically the only time they text. I didn’t freak out like I normally do. Usually I go on a 20 minute rant about it.

Instead I calmly said no and dropped the subject.

You see the more I stress the higher my anxiety is. So if this can help keep me calm then maybe my anxiety will lower. Naturally.

Here’s the link to the product

Stress relief gummies

On a side note if anyone knows of legitimate work from home where noise doesn’t matter….let me know

Day 3 Squat challenge

 

Well its day 3 of the 30 day squats challenge.

And I don’t want to do any squats. Like at all.

Or anything else for that matter.

Why?

Well last night was a bad night. A very anxious night.

So I am exhausted. We woke up 15 minutes late this morning and felt like everything was thrown off. So much so, that I didn’t even make my eggs this morning.

Instead, I just ate left overs from last night then did 25 squats (1 set of 4) and laid with my toddler while she fell asleep.

And now I’m here writing my post about how I’m in a mental funk and that mental funk leads to physical exhaustion. Don’t you just hate when your mental illness gets in the way of things you want to do.

Cause I realized that I have given up on a lot of things because at some point in doing anything I would fall into a mild depression state and just give up.

But I am tired of being fat. It is not healthy. It doesn’t look good. So This Time…..I am not giving up.

I might take a nap…..but I won’t give up. I’ll finish my 100 squats for the day. I’ll go pay some bills. I will pick the kids up from school and get everything done like I do every single day. I cannot let a foul mood destroy a challenge I said I was going to do. And Anxiety is more than a foul mood.

See I have been anxious for a couple days. Since the school shooting. Because that is a terrifying thing. I have a daughter in school. I cannot fathom the idea of anything happening to her at school. The one place where she is supposed to feel safe. I had issues letting her go to school last year because it was her first year. Separation anxiety. I wasn’t ready for her to spend that many hours away from me. But she loves school. She hates when she is sick and has to miss school. I just told my husband last night that if anything ever happened (and I pray all the time that it will never) to the girls…. I don’t think I would be able to cope. At all.

So today… I will work thru my anxiety to get motivated. Because if I don’t.. I might start getting depressed again.

Squat IT

 

Okay… So I was on Facebook yesterday morning and I saw this challenge that 3 writers from BuzzFeed decided to do. So I watched this 3 minute video about squats and I got to thinking. ‘Hey squats aren’t so hard’

So I decided that I am going to do this 30 day challenge. I am going to squat 100 times a day for 30 days. I mean squats are like the easier work outs that I’ve seen. At least when it comes to challenges. I mean have you tried to plank for any length of time. It is not easy.

Yesterday was day 1 of the challenge. I did all my 100 squats before 6 pm. See I decided since I am a mom and my kids usually have me busy or running around like a chicken with my head cut off, I would break the 100 down into 4 sets of 25. This way it would be easier for me to squeeze them in between whatever I gotta get done. (Moms will understand)

So by the time I had gotten my 100 done.. I was energized. I was happy. I wanted to do more things. So I danced around the living room with my girls to music we made up. I did 100 wall push ups. (Cause they’re easier on my wrists….they tend to pop a lot) I ran food to my brothers, then came home got a movie and a book and took it back to my brother to borrow and came back home.

Then I figured that when I went to sleep….. I would wake up unable to move.

Well today is day 2 and Surprisingly…. I wasn’t sore at all. I got up at my usual time to get my older kid dressed and was putting one foot in front of the other just like any other day. There was no tension in my leg muscles, there was no cringing look on my face. There was nothing…

 

That is until I started my first set of 25. Then I realized that there was some mild pain. But hey. I am committed to this challenge. Most of my fat is in my legs. So if this challenge will make any sort of change in my legs. It’ll be worth it.

I’ll keep you guys updated periodically on my journey over the next month.

Wish me luck