For a reason

Now days, most people has a Netflix account. well I love it.

With the hundreds of things to watch, my husband jokes about how I watch the same things over and over. But there is a reason for it.

For example, I have watched Gilmore Girls at least 5 times all the way thru in the past 2 years. Why? Well, there is nothing scary in any episode. Even the car crash Rory gets in isn’t even all that bad…she fractures her wrist. i can go to sleep watching Gilmore Girls and nothing I hear in my sleep will affect my dreams.

A little back note… I am that type of person who has to go to sleep with the TV on. I cannot do the silence and darkness. It used to be a nightlight and a CD. But now I just put on Netflix and go to bed. The TV cuts off on its own when the Netflix asks that ‘are you still watching’

But watching the same thing over and over….as long as its something you like can be beneficial to your anxiety. I read it somewhere. Probably on facebook. I don’t know.

There is just something therapeutic about knowing what’s going to happen next. Life gets chaotic and having anxiety makes the chaos worse. Having anxiety, the fear of not knowing whats going to happen next is like driving with a blindfold. So watching something where you know how it ends or what happens every minute can give you a sense of calm.

There is also the fact that if I start a new show…I go on a binge. I lose sleep. I don’t want to pause it and then there are some things that just creep into my sleep. Like Sons of Anarchy. I love the show…but cannot watch it before bed. I dream about biker gangs and violence and all sorts of stuff.

I have actually found an article about this so here you go. And let me know what you think about it.

Watching your favorite movies over and over is actually good for you

Hey guys….

Hey guys we are up to 58 followers and that is so awesome!!!

I cannot tell you enough how touched I am that you want to hear what I have to say.

But we got a long way to go to break the stigma…

I don’t want to be one of those bloggers who begs for shares.. 

But I’m fighting against a stigma that’s been around for decades

So I’m going to ask.

If each of you could find your favorite post…

And share the crap out of it. 

Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, tumblr, reddit….anywhere and everywhere.

Let’s work together to break  the stigma. 
And I promise that within a week I will try to do the same on your blogs.  

Just drop a comment down below and tell  me you shared so I’ll know who to return the favor to.
And if you haven’t heard today…

You’re awesome 

#Lyrics Last Resort-Papa Roach

 

Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I’ve reached my last resort
Suffocation, no breathing
Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong?, would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I’m contemplating suicide
‘Cause I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry!
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another.
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
‘Cause I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright
Nothing is fine
I’m running and I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying
I’m crying
I can’t go on living this way
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don’t give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I’m contemplating suicide
‘Cause I’m losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine
Nothing’s alright
Nothing is fine
I’m running and I’m crying
I can’t go on living this way
Can’t go on
Living this way
Nothing’s alright
This song takes the perspective of someone who feels frustrated and confused to the point that suicide seems like a valid option…..It is never an option. It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem… That’s something I have heard others say… Suicide doesn’t solve anything. It doesn’t stop the pain. It just transfers that pain to those left behind.
This is a song that helped many people express their darkest thoughts and find a way to overcome their struggles.
I know personally…this is a song that I always find myself coming back to. When I feel like I am at my lowest…when I feel at my worst… this song is something that just allows you to scream. To yell. To just let go of everything. It is a song that you can get lost in.

What scares you 

 

It is good to sometimes just sit back and write things out.  For instance, before I type up a blog post or anything I physically write it out. There is just something about physically putting pen to paper that allows me to plan things out. That way I can read them over before typing and change whatever I need to. Staring at a blank computer screen provides a writers block.

Also, when it comes to things like anxiety or depression, having a journal, or blog, is a great coping mechanism. So today’s topic: What scares you?

Honestly, I am a very scared person. With my anxiety these fears are a thousand times worse. So much so that if I dream about it and it’s scary enough…chances are that I might just wake up crying. I know….pathetic right.

So what scares me…

Spiders. OHMUHGAWD I am terrified of spiders. Especially the big ones. I was bitten by a spider once…a baby… in my bath tub…while I was trying to relax…detoxify… destress..it caused a huge..not so huge. hole in my arm. I thought it was a baby brown recluse…it could have been. I didn’t see the sucker. I have thrown things at them, I have called my husband to kill them. I am that person you see on tv where they freak out. Cannot do spiders at all.

I am terrified of snakes. I don’t care if they’re nonvenomous. Just keep those cold scaly ugly iccky nasty things away from me. Seriously. I have nightmares about snakes. I would die if I seen one in my yard. Which is why I am adamant about keeping the grass mowed and snake repellent out. I am terrified that my kids will get bitten and that I won’t know what type of snake it was. I would die if anything happened to my kids. Which makes me freak out at the fact that my sister and brother have found 2 in their yard…and my sister is friendly to snakes.. she owned one once. just ewww. I was in PetSmart yesterday…my second time being in there. Totally forgot that my nephew said they have snakes….passed by the snake cage…jumped 10 ft. luckily it was only me and the staff in there.

I am afraid of losing my mom.  I know..it’s a part of life. It will eventually happen. But I just cannot picture my life without my mom. Honestly. It’s always been me and her. She’s always been there. Even when both my brothers left…well moved out. It was me and her..She’s my best friend. Sad right? Not really. I spoil my mom because she spoiled me the best she could. I see her almost everyday and I text her every single day all day long. I’ll be 30 in a few years and I still don’t think I will ever be ready to lose my mom. I have spent many anxious nights crying my eyes out because of this fear. I might actually cry because of this post. ;(

I am scared of car wrecks. I was in one a couple years ago…..it was pretty bad. I was stopped at a light and an idiot hit me and a few other cars going about 45 mph. I found out he had a bunch of drugs in his system at the time. There is something about being rear ended that makes you fearful of stopping at stop lights or stop signs. I am constantly watching my rear view mirror when I am stopped praying that the person coming up behind me will slow down in time. I am also very judgmental about my husbands driving because he doesn’t allow as much stopping distance as I do. So every time I ride with him and he has to stop behind someone…I have a panic attack..every time

I a scared of heights. Always have been. There is just something about being somewhere up high that I fear that there will be some random gust of wind that will make me fall over the edge to my death. Cannot do heights. It doesn’t help that I am clumsy. I used to fall a lot. Like going up stairs, going down stairs, playing, running.

I am afraid of being alone at night. This might stem from being a kid. My oldest brother was supposed to watch me but would leave me home alone…by myself and would come home before mom as supposed to get off. That way he didn’t get in trouble. Then there would be times that he would run around the house in the pitch dark banging on the exterior walls and windows. He’s always had a thing with horror…and I always been afraid…

As a parent…I am scared that something my happen to my girls. I know that my anxiety makes the normal parent worries so much worse. But I would seriously die if anything happened to them. I worry all the time. Am I being a good enough parent? I keep them close in the stores because you hear all those stories about kids being kidnapped. It is awful. We go to a festival every year. And well this year…my youngest is at that stage where she doesn’t want to ride in the stroller the whole time soooo… I bought a monkey on the back. I know so many people judge parents who put their kids on a leash. but come one. She wants to have some freedom but she isn’t at that point where she wants to walk right by my side…she wants to run around. So with the leash…its a backpack with a strap. and its cute. She gets to have her freedom and I get to keep her close by. Since there is usually 6 adults to 4 kids at the festival. I don’t have to make my oldest hold my hand. She is usually with her cousin…ie her best friend. and they’re either in the wagon or walking right in front of us. I do make her hold on the stroller or wagon during the areas that have the biggest crowds.

So… what scares you?

#Lyrics Falling Apart-Papa Roach

I’ll follow you out of the dark.
I tried my way but I keep falling apart!
All that I see, is the wickedness around me.
I refuse to believe, the apocalypse inside of me.
I can’t even trust myself.
I’m burning in my skin.
Standing at the gates of hell, but nobody will let me in.
I’ll follow you out of the dark.
I tried my way but I keep falling apart!
I’ll follow you, with all of my heart.
I’m tired of my ways cause I keep falling and falling apart!
I stand here again, forsaken in a place 
That feels like I can never win. 
I’m reaching for a saving grace. 
I can’t even trust no one. 
I need to rise above. 
I don’t think I’m good enough, to feel your perfect love.
I’ll follow you out of the dark!
I tried my way but I keep falling apart!
I’ll follow you, with all of my heart!
I’m tired of my ways cause I keep falling and falling apart!
I’m falling and falling apart.
I’m falling and falling apart.
I’m falling apart.
Your love’s a fire, it’s alive and I’m burning in it.
I’m in the ashes of mercy; I’m caught in it.
I fall hard and you carry me away.
I fall part so you can set me free.
Your love’s a fire, it’s alive and I’m burning in it.
I’m in the ashes of mercy; I’m caught in it.
I fall hard and you carry me.
I fall apart so you can set me free.
I follow you out of the dark! 
I tried my way but I keep falling apart!
I’ll follow you with all of my heart!
I’m tired of my ways, cause I keep falling and falling apart!
I’m falling and falling apart!
Without you I’m falling apart!
I’m falling and falling apart.
Tobin Esperance (I hope I spelled that correctly) explained that this song is about trying to find something to hold on to, that keeps you strong.
I think this is song is such a great song because you can relate to it. Even if you don’t have anxiety or a mental illness. But even more so if you do. It is important if you find that one thing that makes you want to live another day.
I know people always say that you shouldn’t live for anything other than yourself if you’re suicidal. But I say screw that. You live for anything that keeps you holding on. If you have a dog/cat keep living for them. You have a fantasy league. Keep living for that. Keep fighting. Keep holding on.

#Lyrics Why-Rascal Flatts

You must’ve a been in a place so dark, couldn’t feel the light
Reachin’ for you through that stormy cloud
Now here we are gathered in our little home town
This can’t be the way you meant to draw a crowd

Oh why, that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I, had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong, and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song

Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old
Roundin’ third to score that winning run
You always played with passion no matter what the game
When you took the stage you shined just like the sun

Oh why, that’s what I keep askin’
Was there anything I could have said or done
Oh I, had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, God only knows
What went wrong, and why you’d leave the stage in the middle of a song

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Now the oak trees are swayin’ in the early autumn breeze
The golden sun is shining on my face
The tangled thoughts I hear a mockingbird sing
This old world really ain’t that bad a place

Oh why there’s no comprehending
And who am I to try to judge or explain
Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn’t worth the fight
They were wrong
They lied
And now you’re gone
And we cried

‘Cause It’s not like you, to walk away in the middle of a song

Your beautiful song
Your absolutely beautiful song

I’ve never really been a fan of country music….except for Rascal Flatts. I am not sure what it is about this band but they are my heart of country.

This song, in particular, is a very sad song. It is about suicide. It is about those who are left behind. I once read a quote that suicide doesn’t end pain, it just transfer it to those left behind.

Like I have said before. I have people in my life who have either threatened suicide before or have suicidal tendencies.  It is painful to see them that way. To hear them talk that way. And If I ever lost them…I would be devastated.

Always

 

When you have a mental illness, you kind of have this unbelievably low self esteem. It really sucks how you see yourself. I’m not as bad on myself as some people I know.

One thing that I am thankful for is my husband. No matter how hard I am on myself, his love never changes. He is the type of person who will say “I will love you no matter how much you hate yourself”  If I remember correctly, and my memory is pretty great hence the constant worrying over what I’ve said or done, he once said that he will not stop fighting until he changes the way I see myself. Sweet right? you would think I would go gaga over that but the pessimist in me says ‘fat chance’ But he hasn’t stopped yet.

And I think him and our kids really keep me grounded when it comes to the anxiety issue. I am pretty sure that it could be a lot worse.

It doesn’t have to be a significant other. I have been very verbal about how I believe it is important to have a person that listens, helps and never judges. That said person can be anyone from your mother, you significant other, or a friend. I’m sure if you took a step back you would find someone that will always love you, no matter how hard you are on yourself.