Favorite quote 

I think my favorite quote would have to be from the movie The Crow. You know the cult classic that actually a lot of people have never seen. Sadly… Well the quote is

‘It can’t rain all the time’

another one would be ‘Mother is the name of god on the lips and hearts of all children’ But thats just for the mom in me. And because I grew up with just my mom so it really touched me.

The Crow came out in 1994… I was a toddler. I told you all Im in my 20’s.  My mom worked all the time so she couldn’t always regulate what we watched on tv.  I was never a kid who watched things that normal toddlers watched. My favorite movies as a kid were The crow, Drop Dead Fred, Surf Ninjas and TMNT 2… ( I mean the opening scene… here it is.. I just cant explain how hard I laughed at it.

Start at 1:54 and thats is my favorite part in all of the TMNT movies…

But I am getting off topic….

What does ‘it can’t rain all the time’ mean to me? It means that no matter how bad things seem..they won’t always be that way.

It’s kind of an important quote for me with my anxiety because I experience so much panic all the time. So if I can just remember that it can’t rain all the time….then maybe I’ll be able to lower my anxiety…

What is your favorite quote??

#Lyrics Perfect-Simple Plan

Hey, Dad, look at me
Think back, and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time
Doing things I want to do?
But it hurts when you disapproved all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for
You can’t pretend that I’m alright
And you can’t change me
‘Cause we lost it all
Nothin’ lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care any more
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t stand another fight
And nothing’s all right
‘Cause we lost it all
And nothin’ lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said
And nothing’s gonna make this right again
Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard just to talk to you
But you don’t understand
‘Cause we lost it all
Nothin’ lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
‘Cause we lost it all
Nothin’ lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect
The drummers parents weren’t supportive of his career choice so he and the lead singer wrote this song to prove that they could make it and to say sorry.
But to fans…. it took a much more deeper meaning. It was more. It was every teenage angst feeling.  I know it is how I felt a lot through my puberty years. My teenage years. My so called rebellion years (I wasn’t that rebellious.) I wanted to be perfect but I can never be perfect. I wanted to make my mom proud. I wanted to make my brothers proud but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I mean… I am still trying but it doesn’t hold as much disappointment as it did then. I know now that all I can do is try my best every single day.

Be remembered 

 

Death is always a hard thing to talk about. For me….I have always taken death very hard. I’m a big crybaby I can’t help it. I’m just and overly emotional person.

So when anyone passes away, you sit around and remember them. Things they did or said or maybe how they were in general. But what would you want to be remembered for?

Death scares the living crap out of me. I cry just thinking ‘what if something happened to me? What would happen to my kids? What would I be remembered for? What if they remember me as someone different than I had hoped?

Honestly, I hope they would remember how much I loved them. How I always tried so hard to help anyone. How much I loved my ids and what Kind of mother I am. If I am not remembered for anything else… I just want to be remembered for how I am with my girls because they are my life. This journal topic is very deep and emotional…

 

What would you want to be remembered for?

#Lyrics Walk Away-Good Charlotte

I made this bed
I choose to lie in it
Live with my regrets
Sleep with what I said
Could this be the end
I’m standing on the edge of everything I wanted now
I was afraid
I was afraid
Maybe I’m just scared to face the things I fear
It’s easier to walk away from everything
Separate my soul with all the things we shared
I’m falling to pieces
Now say a prayer for me (Say a prayer for me)
When you go to bed (’cause)
I’m in need of your faith now
I was afraid
Maybe I’m just scared to face the things I fear
It’s easier to walk away from everything
If we could just re-set and live in happiness
Instead of out regrets, We would salvage everything
We don’t have to walk away
Pray for me now, I’m in need of faith
Pray for me now, I’m in need
Maybe I’m just scared to face the things I feared
It’s easier to walk away from everything
If we could just re-set and live in happiness
Instead of out regrets, We’d salvage everything
Maybe I’m just scared to face the things I failed
It’s easier to walk away from everything
Walk away from everything
Walk away from everything
This song is about how everyone has their demons and how sometimes you feel it is better to walk away but its not always that simple and sometimes you just have to face them.
I remember when this album came out. I really do… I was in Middle School and my group of friends thought it was the best album of the year…We just had to have it. But not the life version. The Death version was the one to go to. That album… there was just so many good songs on there. Like S.O.S, Walk Away, We Believe…darn now i’m going to have to pull it out and listen to it

Good karma

 

I grew up believing in Karma. Kind of from my Sunday school teaching Grandma.

Now I know that Karma and Christ are two different types of beliefs. But my grandma always taught me that what you put into the world is what you get out of it. And that you should do for others without the expectations of anything in return. Thats just the godly way.

Thats also kind of like Karma.

The more good Karma you put out is the kind of Karma you are more likely to attract. However, if you’re a Negative Nancy…then that is all you’re going to attract.

Some people only do good things so that others will give them something in return…. To me that is wrong. That is not how you put good karma out into the word. That’s like sending good vibes with a negative note attached at the end. It’s still negative.

Personally, I will help anyone until I feel that I am being take advantage of. And it usually takes me a while to feel like someone is using me. when I do help someone… I never expect anything in return. I actually feel weird when others do anything for me.. or give me anything. I am not good at receiving anything. even on my own birthday.

Just by doing something good and having positive energy is enough. I try to tell anyone I help to pay it forward…do something nice for someone else. I wish everyone would send out positive energy because it could change the world.

What are some ways that I can create good Karma? Well it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. I can do small things like smiling and talking to the cashier because you never know what kind of customers they have had. Not cutting in front of anyone. Letting someone with less items go ahead of you. Especially if they’re carrying a bunch of stuff in their arms. Opening the door for someone. Picking things up if someone dropped them. There are just so many small things that you can do to create good karma in the world. You never know, maybe one day you’ll need someone’s kindness.

#Lyrics Emotionless-Good Charlotte

 

Hey dad
I’m writing to you
Not to tell you, that I still hate you
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we’re all right?
But we’re all right
We’re all right
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re alright
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to survive
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still alive
The days I spent so cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
Those scars run deep inside this tattooed body
There’s things I’ll take, to my grave
But I’m okay
I’m okay
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that I’m still alive
Yeah, I’m still alive
Sometimes
I forgive
Yeah and this time
I’ll admit
That I miss you, said I miss you
It’s been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren’t you there all the nights that we cried
You broke my mother’s heart
You broke your children for life
It’s not okay,
But we’re all right
I remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
But those were just a long lost memory of mine
Now, I’m writing just to let you know that were still alive
And sometimes
I forgive
And this time
I’ll admit, that I miss you, miss you
Hey dad
Joel and Benji Madden wrote this as a letter to their dad after he cheated on their mom and walked out on them when they were 16…. It is a powerful song.
And heres where I get personal with you guys… no judgement right.
My dad was abusive. He beat my mom…he beat my brothers. He was an alcoholic…he was mostly an ass.
My mom….being the strong badass that she is….left him when I was a toddler. Honestly she was afraid of what type of abuse he would subject me to. Now as many of you know… He passed away before thanksgiving.
Growing up without my dad. I always had these questions. Like who was he. What type of person was he. Did he love me. did he miss me. Why wasn’t he around. You know typical kid questions… When I first heard this song.. I cried… but I couldn’t do it publicly because my brothers still resented him for the abuse. It was difficult. I understand that and he had some awful responses to why he did what he did. But he was my dad so being an emotional person… I wanted to know… him…answers…everything… but I didn’t have any of them.
And now… I will never have my answers… So this song is even more painful. But I love me some Good Charlotte.

Fan letter: Dear Chester

 

I looked up journal prompts and some that may help with your mental health. One was to write a fan letter and you don’t actually have to send it. But if there is a certain celebrity that you relate to, one who has helped you thru a difficult time, writing your fan letter may help you to understand why they’re so important to you. So today… I am writing one to someone who is sadly no longer with us…..

Dear Chester Bennington,

It has been a little over 5 months since you left us. And I am pretty sure I speak for may fans when I say missing you hasn’t gotten any easier. I hope that you’re out there somewhere safe, somewhere warm… somewhere your demons can no longer torment you. And I hope you know how loved you are and always will be.

I want to thank you for always fighting for mental health. You laid out all of your problems in your songs and millions of fans, including myself, related to everything that you said. Thank you for being a voice for us when we didn’t feel like we had one.

There are way to many songs for me to list that spoke to me. Spoke to my soul and spoke me out of my anxiety. Helped me crawl my way out of depression. Your songs were my go to for my mental state. There is always a song in your library of genius that held some sort of meaning for me.

I can never say enough for what you meant to me… and its not just me. There are millions of fans around the world who felt the same way. And it is even worse with the fact that we missed your signs. The signs that you needed a friend. The signs that things were getting bad again. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry we never truly saw all the pain in your eyes. And I know that I never knew you personally….and never would have been more than just a random fan…. a body in a crowd. But I can’t help but wish that maybe I could have done something. anything to help you get thru your pain. To help you keep fighting. But you slipped thru our fingers.

The world lost a legend. The world lost a magnificent voice who helped lonely people like myself every single day. I bought the One More Light Live cd… and I can’t stop listening to it. It is the last Live album you’ll ever have. I feel like if I stop listening to the CD… you’ll truly be gone. And I know that you are in a better place… And I know I am being ‘silly’ being so tore up about a celebrity I never knew. But I feel like turning off the CD will put the final nail in the coffin.. You know? It would make it more real. At least if I keep playing the CD… I can keep hearing your voice. I’m not ready to give that up yet. I know that I can always play any of your cd’s or watch any of the videos on youtube to see you. But it is just something about this Live album that makes it more significant. Mike’s Instagram live listen of it didn’t help either. I feel his pain

You see… I lost a friend that was really close to me 7 years ago. It was unexpected and I thought I was going to see him again in a couple days… those couple of days will never come. I have never taken death very well and I am an overly emotional person. But I have never been to a memorial over a celebrity before…until you Chester.

your love for your family and fans was so strong that I was pulled to go. I felt like I needed to go. And when we all sang One More Light… there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. We care Chester. We care if one more light goes out. And for as long as I live…. I will be shining my light as bright as I can and work as hard as I can to break the stigma.

I applaud your wife Chester. She is one strong woman. When she has all the right to hide from the world and mourn…. she is standing tall with your love and fighting for you fans. She is fighting for mental health. She is fighting for you. She is a role model by all means.

Linkin Park doesn’t know what they’re going to do without you. And part of me feels like it’s not Linkin Park without you in it..without your fabulous voice… without your powerful screams….But I also know that they need to be able to mourn… They need to be able to move on. If they decide to continue as a band…and they should…they’re brothers….I will always support them. And I know that they will honor your memory in the best way possible.

Thank you for everything you did for your fans. All of your songs. All of your smiles.

We will always miss you.

Signed,

Just a fan.