Doesn’t belong

I read a quote by someone named JM Storm that says

“Before you pass judgement on one who is self-destructing, it is important to remember they usually aren’t trying to destroy themselves. They’re trying to destroy something that doesn’t belong.”

Now this isn’t always true. Sometimes people self-destruct for very selfish reasons like attention. I have known quite a few people who only do things like cutting when they feel no one is paying any attention to them. It is like they thrive on drama.

I am a drama free person. I hate drama.  I distance myself from as much drama as possible. But unfortunately everyone seems to call me when they’re stuck in drama like I am some sort of savior. I am not Emma Swann

But there are those silent self-destruct types who only tear themselves apart where no one can see. If you don’t look hard enough, you will probably miss it.

Now I’ve said this before, but you should never pass judgement. You never know what someone is going thru or has been thru. I have been judged so many times for so many things. I think it is everything that I have been thru that allows me to sympathize with others so well.

Recovery 

I have learned that recovery means different things to different people. I cannot speak for anyone but myself. So here is what recovery means to me.

Recovery means not freaking out all the time.

Recovery means less panic attacks.

Recover means not overthinking as much.

Now I am not unrealistic. I have been a sufferer of anxiety disorder for over 10 years and I probably need professional help. Although I am constantly striving for recover, I know I will always battle anxiety.

My brother over came anxiety, but he is not me. He doesn’t have vivid dreams like I do. He doesn’t dream at all. I have such strong vivid dreams that I remember every detail for weeks. Sometimes I wake up crying from them. My brother doesn’t think as much as I do. i’m not saying he’s dumb. He is really smart actually. What I am referring to is that he can shut his mind off when he needs to, he doesn’t over think anything. I, however, blow every single thing out or proportion.

Recover means always having the will and strength to fight this battle!

What does recovery mean to you?

Life is tough

One thing they never tell you as a kid is that life is tough….well unless you have a tough childhood.

 

You see….my childhood wasn’t completely bad…honestly. I did experience abuse…starting from my dad when I was a baby and leading til my older brother stopped living with us…. Well I mean if you look at it now…certain people still try to use mental and emotional abuse against me… what they don’t realize is….I came out on the other side. I am stronger now… I don’t get suckered to easily… but I’m not completely healed. Sometimes I do get suckered.

Growing up with just my mom…. things were tight financially…pretty much all the time. There were many years where we didn’t celebrate Christmas, instead we got our gifts at Tax time. But even though we did have a tough time when I was little… I still think my mom is one of the strongest person I know.

Not everyone started their life in a tough manner. But as most kids become adults, they learn life is tough. Having a mental illness only makes life even harder. But although life is tough, you are tougher.

There is nothing easy about waking up every single day to fight the same demons that kept you up all night. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness makes you weak. You are tough. You are strong. You are a fighter. I am a fighter. WE are fighters. Life might be tough, but so are we.

Lets break the stigma.

A fan letter

Well it is time for another fan letter. This time to someone who was left behind.

 

Dear Mike Shinoda,

I wanted to say thank you for being such an inspiration to all of us fans. Though you lost your best friend….you’ve been there for all of us fans as we grieve.

We miss Chester too.

There are many reasons why we fans love you. You’re silliness shows me that growing old may be mandatory but growing up is optional. That we can still act silly no matter how old we are, or where we are in our life. I love your passion for music. I can see how much you put your heart and soul into every song. Your work ethic is inspiring.

You always have time for us fans. And since Chester passed, you have made yourself even more available to us. Your smile is infectious. When you smile…. I can’t help but smile too. (It helps that you’re cute too ) The Linkin Park fans are very different from every other fan group as you all have said numerous times. But we stand out because of you all. (I’m a southerner I wan’t to say ya’ll…) I cannot speak for anyone else but you have had a big impact as well as Linkin Park on my life and my battle with anxiety

 

Signed,

A thankful fan

Finding the calm

Anxiety can make normal things seem that much more chaotic.  Sometimes life feels like a never ending chaos. Personally, I feel like I never sit down. Well I mean I do sit down but it feel like there is a never ending list of things to do.

It’s funny actually because I am a stay at home mom. The automatic assumption of stay at home moms is that we are completely lazy.  For example, I’ve had a conversation where I’ve said I’m exhausted and they said what do you do to be exhausted. In a condescending manner. Since I was already exhausted and I tend to get cranky when I’m exhausted…. I kind of went off.

So….when life with anxiety feels so chaotic, you need to find what calms you. For me….its music. Music has always been a great tool in dealing with my anxiety. I use music to fill the silence…to motivate me….to express myself. I listen to music when I am cleaning. I listen to music when I am happy. I listen to music when I am sad. I listen to music when I just don’t know how I feel. A day doesn’t go by where I don’t I don’t listen to some type of music. My car holds 6 CD’s so I am always listening to something.

 

Life is full of surprises….its about finding the calm in the chaos. What makes you calm?

How you respond

I can be such a controlling person and I think my anxiety has something to do with it. I’m not even sure why I like to have control. Maybe a very skilled therapist could find the root of this problem.

However, something that I really need to work on is how I react. When you cannot control what is happening, control how you respond. For that is where your power is.

When things get hectic and out of control you can typically only control how you respond. For instance, if you overreact or react badly, things can get worse. Typically in my experience, they get way worst.

However, if you grab the metaphorical bull by the horns and own the situation you can probably gain control of the situation much faster. Also, reacting in a positive manner typically provides more positive results.

I’m guilty of not acting in a positive manner…..who else is guilty?

Keeps you up

 

I don’t sleep a lot, or very well for that matter. The bags under my eyes are so bad. They’re growing up the side of my nose. I’m starting to look like a panda….or like I have 2 black eyes.

So what better than a post about what keeps you…or me… up at night.

If you suffer from a mental illness, you can probably agree you don’t get enough sleep. It sucks, unfortunately

There are many things that keep me up at night. Sometimes I just can’t get comfortable. I was in a car wreck a few years ago and my back hasn’t been the same since. There are just some days where it just hurts too bad for me to get any type of sleep.

Some nights (most nights) My ind refuses to shut off. I’m constantly thinking and since I have such a bad view of myself… I usually think about what I could have possibly done wrong…or what I could do better. Sometimes I just wish I could get more sleep….better sleep.

When you add kids into the mix… well you stay up even more. Either you’re worried about them or they’re sick….or sometimes they just don’t want to go to sleep….

 

So what keeps you up at night?