Fan  letter

It’s time for yet another fan letter. This time its to a female artist who has used her star power to give those with mental illness a voice….

Dear Demi Lovato,

I started a blog because I suffer from anxiety disorder and sometimes battle minor bouts of depression. The death of Chester Bennington inspired me to get my voice out there to fight the stigma surrounding mental illness. But it is your strength, your openness and your willpower that inspire me to keep pushing.

I watched your documentary and I must say that I was in awe over your transparency. Please don’t take that the wrong way. A lot of people tend to take a lot of what I say in a negative manner. I’m not sure why. What I mean is that you were so open and honest. You were blunt.  You allowed fans to see your struggles for what they truly are. You didn’t sugar coat anything. Anyone watching got to see mental illness for what it really is. And I applaud you. Mental illness has never been in the front as it was in your documentary. Which is amazing. Because the world has placed such a stigma on even the word mental illness let alone anyone who has mental illness.

You are more than just an artist. you are a role model. You are a voice for those who cannot mutter a sound. You stand tall and you stand proud. If  I can be anything like you… I would be honored.


An anxious fan

#Lyrics Shut Up-Simple Plan

There You Go
You’re always so right
It’s all a big show
It’s all about you

You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time
To criticize me

It seems like everyday
I make mistakes
I just can’t get it right
It’s like I’m the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don’t want to hear it
Get out get out get out
Get out of my way
Step up step up step up
You’ll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

There you go
You never ask why
It’s all a big lie
Whatever you do

You think you’re special
But i know and I know and I know
And we know
That you’re not

You’re always there to point out
My mistakes
And shove them in my face
It’s like I’m the one you love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don’t want to hear it
Get out get out get out
Get out of my way
Step up step up step up
You’ll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Don’t tell me who I should be
And don’t try to tell me what’s right for me
Don’t tell me what I should do
I don’t want to waste my time
I’ll watch you fade away

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don’t want to hear it
Get out get out get out
Get out of my way
Step up step up step up
You’ll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

so shut up, shut up, shut up
Don’t want to hear it
Get out get out get out
Get out of my way
Step up step up step up
You’ll never stop me
Nothing you say
Is gonna bring me down

Bring me down (shut up, shut up, shut up)
Bring me down
Bring me down(shut up shut up shut up)
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!

This song shows how people don’t want to be what others want them to be.

This song used to be my anthem for people who use to tell me who I needed to be. Or trying to be my parent just because all I had was my mom. This was my song. I know its not like the best song out there but its good. It might be repetative but its such a good song


My anxiety makes things hard. If I fail at anything…. I take it really hard. Like with school. I have always prided myself on being able to teach myself anything. I pretty much coasted thru my senior year without breaking a sweat. So when I just cannot comprehend something I have a breakdown. Literally… There’s tears involved and self hate.

It is sad.

Because no matter how much I want to… I will succeed at everything I try… And I need to learn to be ok with that..

I am not going to lie. This might be one of the hardest battles I will face with my anxiety. Not the only battle but on of them. And I’m not too sure why but sometimes when I fail at something it feels like I am not good enough….at anything.

I am going to work harder to be ok with not succeeding at everything…but if I am going to be honest….it might take some time.




They say that change is good. An I mean it is for some things.

Like my living room or bedroom. I cannot keep it the same way for too long. For some reason I have to change it around every so often.

I’ve always been this way. Maybe because my mom did it when I was growing up. I don’t know.

I do know that rearranging a room takes a lot of work. It allows me to take my mind off of other things and focus on the deep cleaning of that room. The organizing that comes with the rearranging is also very good for my anxiety. I think I mentioned before how when I feel an anxiety attack coming on I will start rearranging things.

However, sometimes change isn’t good. I posted about the importance of having a routine. Sometimes a change can mess with your routine and your life can feel even more chaotic than it already is.

But if you’re on a dangerous destructive path, maybe a change is something you need.

If you’re anything like me, then you should probably start with small changes. With things that you can control. I usually start with a little small change. You know a change that I can control. Just to try to get myself accustomed how to react when changes I cannot control happen.

Sometimes change is good, as long as it is something you want.


@FallOutBoy #FOBMania album review

The first song is Young and Menance I think this is a wonderful way to start off a cd. When the video first came out I remember thinking HOLY$#^* there is a new FOB song and its just so different.

I also loved the part where it said “Oops I did it again….. I only wrote this down to make you press rewind” Now I am a 90’s baby and I remember the Spears era when Oops I did it again was very popular. This little tid bit in the song made me giggle and it is just so FOB to have that.

I really enjoy this song. When we went to the concert, they handed out these little purple pieces of paper that when they played Young and Menance they asked us to put the paper over our phone’s flashlights to show our support. and honestly…. I don’t think FOB will ever lose my support they are a great band.

The next song is Champion and goodness I love this song. I mean I love it so much that I have cried. Serious big yucky tears. Yes FOB you are BACK with a madness and I know I am more than excited. I actually wish you’d come back already just so I can see you again. I adore Pete Wentz and if I ever met him…. I probably would have a heart attack.

What does this song mean to me? Why do I cry? I have anxiety disorder. I overthink a lot. I’m empathetic. I’m emotional. And I haven’t had the ideal childhood. I have felt like I was manipulated, emotionally abused, verbally abused, sexually abused. And this song. “If I can live thru this. I can do anything” Thank you FOB. I needed this song. More than you could ever know. I can do anything. and when I feel like I can’t… I listen to this song to remind myself.

The third song on the track is Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea, this song starts off with such a strong bass beat and is just so in your face loud. Thank you Pete Wentz for blessing my eardrums.

I love the “I’m fixing to go Tonya Harding on the whole world’s knee” It shows again the humour that FOB has and the way that they can insert little tidbits into their songs considering that the I, Tonya was released recently and well she has been back in the news. and get this.. claiming she’s the victim. Instead of you know the one who actually got hit.

If I wasn’t sitting down writing this… I would probably be up bouncing around like a fool. The beat is just that good. I adore it.

And well you cannot leave out the fact that Patrick sings in French. I wasn’t ready for it. I did a double take. Listened a handful of times. I mean come on….when you look at the title you think that it is going to be that sad song on the album but boy was I soooo wrong and I don’t think that I have ever been more pleased that I was wrong haha. I hope that they do the music video during the French Revolution. Actually, FOB should really do a video for every song on this album . That is just how good this album is. They really set the bar high for every other album that comes out this year.

The next song is Hold Me Close or Dont

Again.. their genius. I am so dead. Like the clown in spawn says D-E-D dead. They are so flipping talented. However, I remember that this came out in Novemember. I was in the parking lot of Zaxby’s while my husband went in to order because I was having just an anxious day. I couldn’t cope with anything. I just knew something was wrong (Turns out the next day we found out my dad had died.) (don’t you just love intuition) Then I saw a notification that FOB had a new video… yea I get notifications that is how obsessed I am. The first viewing of the video I couldn’t tell if i loved it or not. I did however love the video. The Hispanic culture that was so present Dia de los muertos (if i mispelled that please don’t kill me) I love the hispanic culture. I loved the video it was so artistic. The second time. I tried not to watch the video… it is actually really hard not to I mean have you seen it??? Its damn gorgeous. And what did I find. That the music is beautiful. You can dance to it. The lyrics are genius and well Pete Wentz is there so.

Way to go FOB you are again killing me with your musical talents. and I love it.

The next song is The Last Of The Real Ones

Again, another song that the beat is completely different than the rest of the song. When they announce that they were going to be pushing the release date back… I was upset. But they wanted to provide the fans with the best work they possibly could and boy did they deliver. Sorry for being so mad guys 🙂

I might be a little behind. which honestly I usually am. But I don’t get the whole Llama thing. Is it always Brendon Urie? When will he release the new PATD album?

BTW the video can be kind of confusing and I think I read somewhere that it is a parody of another song. But still. It is really good.

Track #6 is Wilson (expensive Mistakes) I remember when I first really heard this was at the concert and they were above the audience which was really cool.

Don’t we always make expensive mistakes? It’s either I can live on $5 til payday or I blow a whole paycheck at once.

There is a lyric that says “I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color” I actually stole my husbands shirt that says this and I wear it to bed. haha. This is a pretty good song. I mean there are some lyrics that I really like. There isn’t really too much that I can say bad about the song. The video is different. Although you know buying Pete Went wouldn’t be a bad idea. Im just joking.

The next song is Church and I know honestly…. I was NOT expecting this song at all. nope. not one bit.

The choir singing in the background really gives this song a nice push. However, whats with Patrick wearing the guitar so high in the video? that I think is my only complaint about the entire album. Not song. The entire album. I told you guys I love this album. I cannot believe I have to wait like a week for it to come in the mail. Patrick’s vocals are something else. They are out of this world. I think they just keep gettin better.

Which brings us to the next song Heaven’s Gate.

Holy $#^* I was not ready for the Soul of Patricks voice. I mean it just opens up the song and you’re like WHATTTTT??? My husband actually asked me who it was because it is so different from what we usually hear from fall out boy. This entire song was beautiful.

The next song on the a Sunshine Riptide

Why do I get the feeling that Pete had something to do with this song being on the album? As apart of that Rap Rock and Roll that Jaden Smith was talking about as the opening act to the opening act. Yeah it was Jaden Smith (not a fan really) then BlackBear (adore him thank you FOB for having him on your tour and introducing me to him) then FOB. The concert was amazing

So there is a little bit of Reggae in this song. As a huge fan of reggae, I appreciate this little bit of a song. This whole album is screaming freedom. They never conform to what a label wants them to sound like.

This song has given me a sunburn. thats how great it is.

The next song is called Bishops Knife Trick it is the final song of the album and it is pure beauty. it is an ear-gasim.

This whole album. they just pushed every single button every sing boundary to put out an album that they could be proud of. And as a huge fan. I couldn’t be more honored that that theyey put so much dedication into a single album.

Here are some other thoughts. Weell I wish Pete would go back to his screamo that was awesome but that is like many many many albums ago. If you are a new listener then you might want to look up Saturday by FOB to see what I am talking about. I wish that it was more than 10 songs. Either way. This is really pushing the bar for all of the other albums out there that are comin out this year. FOB is making the competition this year very steep. I hope the other bands can keep up (doubt it tho)

If you haven’t heard the album yet…. I strongly suggest you go listen.

(*on a side note. My local Wal-Mart didn’t have the FOB new CD… I was mad. So instead of looking it up on their website.. I went to the FOB website and ordered it there. Why should Wal-mart online get any of my money for this CD when they can’t even carry it in the store.)

Thank you for reading my review 🙂

#MentalIllness is NOT a fashion statement

Now usually I have all of my blog post scheduled. I work on them. I write them out on paper before I type them up and then I decide which days I want them to go out.

Well….as I was scrolling thru facebook this morning…. I found this. and well. I just had to write about it because it is seriously pissing me off..

I am a huge Nirvana fan. I know I was a toddler when Kurt Cobain’s light went out and we lost a legend. As it was written, he joined the 27 club. The club of many talented artist who lost their lives at the mere age of 27. Which is sad.

But this shirt. and the post that the female wearing the shirt wrote… that is just showing the stigma we who truly suffer a mental illness are surrounded with every day. And if looking at that post doesn’t piss you off…. I don’t know what will.

I shared the image on my personal facebook page with a mean message written with it because I was heated. I was seriously heated. Here’s why.

The letter that is sadly posted on that shirt was written to Cobain’s childhood imaginery friend. It was his inner most thoughts, his dark, sad thoughts. How would you feel if your journal or you personal diary was posted on a shirt for anyone to make a mockery of. That is what this is. it is a mockery.

Now I know anyone can Google Kurt Cobain’s suicide note to read it. I have done it myself when I was researching his life. I have alway been fascinated with the mind of the man who wrote Smells Like Teen Spirit, Heart Shape Box, Lithium, and many others that have been my anthems duing my most angstiest stages of my life.

I still listen to Nirvana to this day and I think that I will always listen to them. They were so genius. They were ahead of their time.

Now to the death of Cobain. I know that I wasn’t but a few years old when it happened and couldn’t possibly understand at that time what it meant. But as I got older I was always curious. There is actually many conspiracy theories about the way that he left us. I don’t think the world will ever really know the truth. and we have to come to term with that.

(It is one of the hardest things about suicide. Is coming to terms with not know why or how or what was going on in their minds in the moments leading up to that moment. )

Lets take a look at what happened after he died. There was an epidemic of copy cat suicides around the world. Many young people thought that they couldn’t cope and we didn’t just lose Cobain. We lost a lot of people in that time. I actually wrote a paper about it when I was taking a psychology class. It was a sad time.

So now back to this shirt. It is insensitive in the least. It is a slap in the face of those who took their lives shortly after Cobain. It is a knife in the heart of Frances Cobain, Kurt’s daughter. Do you really think that she would want people wearing her dad’s suicide note around like they are being fashionable? It is distasteful.

It could actually be a trigger. For those who are suffering with a mental illness. Who are on the brink of the edge. The edge of no return.

This shirt is taking the #BreakTheStigma movement 10 steps back and I feel that we all need to rally together against this.

Let me know what you think about this awful shirt.

Blessing and curse

Someone named David Jones once said “It is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply”

Sometimes I feel like he was speaking about me. I feel everything so deeply. My emotions are on my sleeves. Scratch that. they’re on my fingertips. that is how much I feel. It doesn’t help that I feel other peoples emotions as well. If someone around me is sad… I get sad.

I am extremely empathetic

When my friends and family feel something. I cannot help but feel it too.  It also forces me to try my hardest to fix whatever it is that makes them feel that way. When they’re having a bad day… I feel like I start having a bad day. I don’t know how to really explain it. (So if you have some insight on it…please fill me in)

It is a blessing and a curse. I love the fact that feeling everything so deeply and feeling what others feel allows me to interpret things better. You know like knowing when they need space or when they need a hug. I can read people better than say my husband who rare shows any emotions.

It is a curse because I cannot turn it off…. Ever. And I carry it with me for the rest of the day…and if it is really strong.. I carry it for longer. They say ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’….thats a lie. Words hurt me very deeply. the person who came up with that saying obviously never felt anything as deeply as I do. Like all the time. I carry words with me. And they cut me like a knife.

How do you interpret the quote? How does it make you feel?