Pretending

I have said before that my anxiety will never going completely away. Instead, I can learn how to control it so that I can manage things better. But getting to that place will be a journey.

I cannot reach my destination by pretending that my darkness never existed. I have to accept the things I have been thru. I have to forgive those who that have caused some of my darkness. I have to work thru the darkness so that I can be better.

I want to help others. Because I have gone thru this journey pretty much all by myself. So if I can help others get to their destination a little faster than I am then I feel like I am doing a good job. I will feel like maybe I am helping.

Because lets be honest. I have a low self esteem. So I am pretty hard on myself. But the one good thing about me that I can never take from myself is that I will help anyone and everyone around me. And I feel like I am in this fight so I can help others with their fight.

Mental illness is not an easy fight to deal with. We are not only fighting our own minds but we’re fighting the world around us. I find that there are some who are struggling with their fight because they pretend that their darkness never existed. That maybe if they ignore what they’ve been through they will get better faster. But that only causes more problems.

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#Lyrics Please Don’t Leave Me-Pink

I don’t know if I can yell any louder
How many time I’ve kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is, broken
Please don’t leave me
Please don’t leave me
I’m always saying how I don’t need you
But it’s always gonna come right back to this
Please, don’t leave me
How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I’ve never been this nasty
Can’t you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don’t mean it
I mean it, I promise
Please don’t leave me
Please don’t leave me
I’m always saying how I don’t need you
But it’s always gonna come right back to this
Please, don’t leave me
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can’t be without, you’re my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I’m sorry.
Please, please don’t leave me
Baby, please don’t leave me
No, don’t leave me
Please don’t leave me
I’m always saying how I don’t need you
But it’s always gonna come right back,
It’s gonna come right back to this.
Please, don’t leave me.
I always say how I don’t need you
But it’s always gonna come right back to this
Please don’t leave me
Baby, please don’t leave me

Pink explained that it is like letting down your armor and admitting that you’re human. We all want to be loved and to love. That we are all a work in progress.

 

When you have a mental illness. You have this wall up around you all the time. I discussed how hard it is to fall in love when you have something like anxiety. Well I feel like this song perfectly describes how it is to fall in love with anxiety. To let down your armor and admit how vulnerable you are.

The energy

 

In a previous post I talked about good karma. Well, to get good karma you gotta put out good karma. And to do so you need to be the energy you want to attract.

Having a mental illness, you always feel bad especially about yourself. You feel distraught, you feel like scum. So you carry that energy with you. you carry that resentment and you carry all of that doubt. And when you carry all of that with you everywhere you go, you pass it along to others.

Now I don’t know about you. But I am extremely empathetic. I feel the emotions of those around me. Because of that, I try to push positive emotions outward so that they may feel them too.

Yes, I think the least of myself. I am too fat. I talk to much. I’m not pretty. My hair is thinning. I have anger issues. I am impatient. I talk too much. I get distracted to easily. My eyes have bags so wide they need their own zip code. I have so much bad energy about myself. But if I carry that around everywhere I go. Then I will affect those around me. Especially my kids.

I do not want my kids to feel like they should look in the mirror and point every single flaw because in my eyes. They’re perfect.  Now I know they’re not perfect they have their issues. They have their moments where they use poor judgement and get in trouble. But I don’t want them to feel my energy and it become their own. I hope that makes sense.

So I hide this energy. And I know that they say you’re not supposed to bottle things in. But my insecurities. I bottle them up. Stuff them away. And I push out positive energy. I push out strong energy. I push out empowerment. Because I that is the energy I really want my inner self to feel. That is the energy I want others to feel. Be the energy you want to attract. Be the energy your inner child needs.

Things you love

 

When you suffer from anxiety, you tend to only think about the bad. Things that could happen. You’re constantly worrying and afraid. It is quite awful. However, in an attempt to keep up my journal posts to encourage each other on our individual journeys with mental illness and my own personal attempt at breaking the stigma.

So this journal entry is 10 things I love… today I am choosing my mom.

1.) She is the strongest woman I know

My dad was an abusive alcoholic. Now my mom says that the relationship wasn’t always that way but the more he drank the more abusive he was. It got worse when he stopped being able to find a job. She just took the abuse, grinned and beared it and kept on. But then he started being mean to my brothers. That is when she started standing up against him, which made the abuse to her worse. The final straw, I was born. Being a girl, she was worried his abuse towards me would be far worse than the boys.  So when I was about 1 or 2….she left. She got custody of us and she left his abuse. You do not know how strong a person is to leave a controlling abusive relationship. She willingly left with all 3 kids to be a single mom. It was never easy. My brothers are a handful.

2.) Her love for my kids

I know all grandparents love their grandkids but my mom seriously loves my kids. She spoils them to death. More than her other grandkids. She will come over at 6 am on Christmas morning when its 12 degrees outside to watch the girls open their gifts. She goes to every single function for my oldest daughter. She would spend the last dollar of her disability on the girls. She allows my oldest to stay the weekend almost every weekend. And I allow it. Why? Because there are only so many years where a child wants to be around their grandparents.

3.) I never disappoint her.

Now that is not saying that I haven’t done things that could have disappointed her or should have disappointed her. I have. I mean I am only human. But she is always understanding. When I got pregnant at 19. I was terrified to tell my mom. But she wasn’t mad. She actually said…it happens. We’ll handle it together.  She is also very understanding about my anxiety. She tries very hard to help me be less anxious.

4.) She never ignores me

I text a lot and I think the person I text the most is my mom. Honestly. I talk to her every day all day. She is my best friend. Even if I wake up at 3 am and text her. She usually texts back as soon as she wakes up. She is actually over at my house about 6 days a week. She usually heads home after I cook dinner. That way she doesn’t have to cook.

5.) She doesn’t sugar coat anything

Even when I was a kid…she never sugar coated anything. If she had a short paycheck and had to make a decision on whether she paid the water bill or bought groceries. She never made that decision alone. She always talked to us about it. She always asked us what we wanted. She never tried to make things sound better than they were. And it made me understand things a lot better.

6.) Allows me to experiment

I am a cooker. I love to cook. And I love to experiment with my recipes. As long as it is not too spicy she is willing to try it. I don’t eat steak and my mom doesn’t eat steak. However, my husband does and occasionally I’ll make him steak as a specialty and she will try it to make sure it is seasoned just right or tender enough. She’s amazing.

7.) Her bread and desserts

My mom never really cooked when I was a kid. I mean how could she. She worked all the time. She was a single mom. And what she did cook, she usually burned. I’m not being mean it is the honest truth. However, her deserts and bread was the best thing in the entire world. My friend specifically asks for her peanut butter cup pie and pumpkin bread all the time.

8.) She gave her everything for her kids

Not only did she fight tooth and nail to make sure she got herself and us out of that house. She continued to give everything for us. She didn’t bring men around us. She didn’t drink in front of us. She never did drugs. She always worked. When we couldn’t have Christmas, we would have Tax Time. which after catching bills up, whatever was left of the tax money would be spent on us anything we needed and wanted. She still gives even though she’s on disability.

9.) She never gave up

I know in this post I am talking bad about my dad. But I didn’t really know him. I know he passed away recently and I am very sad about that. I did wish I could have had a relationship with him. But life doesn’t always work out how we wanted. Although they were separated for most of my life, they were still married. My dad was court ordered to pay child support. Which he hardly ever did. So everything we needed to survive. My mom had to provide all on her own. My oldest brother was a trouble maker. A real trouble maker. So, there were many times where she could have just given up. But she never given up. She always kept trucking and pushing forward.

10.) She is always there. 

I know I already said that she would come at 6 AM for the girls. But honestly she would do that for me too. If I called her right now and told her that I needed her here right now….she would get her shoes on and come. She’s my mom. But she’s also my best friend.

Falling in love

 

In a world full of Netflix and chill, side people, just talking and all of the other excuses to not commit, falling in love is hard. But falling in love with anxiety is even harder.

I have posted before about dating with anxiety. It is a challenge. You are constantly second guessing yourself. Second guessing them. Never completely understanding how they could possibly love you and so much more.

Luckily, I have been lucky enough to fall in love with an amazingly understanding man who I married almost 3 years ago. We have been together going on 9 years. And it wasn’t always easy. It is actually a constant battle.

I’m not going to lie to you. I have anxiety. I have severe anxiety. So it can make any relationship a challenge. Like any relationship we have our good days and our bad. And usually I am the cause of many of our arguments. But it is not something that I want. It is mostly because I am having a bad anxiety day.

Like today.

It’s just a bad day.

Doesn’t mean me and my husband are arguing. We’re not. We are at such a great place. But being in love with anxiety you always wait for the other shoe to drop. So… It is a constant battle that I deal with to ensure that I am not overthinking things. Assuming things. Or blowing things out of proportion.

 

Find yourself

 

When you first realize you are battling a mental illness….its hard. But things start to make sense. Its like ‘oh… so thats what was happening.’ ‘Thats why I’m like that’ But as time goes on you start to lose who you are… you become your illness.

This is the new you. And sometimes it is hard to imagine what it was like before your life became so consumed with battling your demons.

I think it is important if you’re battling a mental illness, or anyone in general, to take time to rediscover themselves. To decompress. To learn what it is like to have just a few moments where you are at peace.

It doesn’t matter how you do it actually. That is the great part about it. Just do anything you love to do at least once a week. But sometimes that is not in the plans. I know life is hectic….things happen. You push your you time back and put others first. At least try to have a you time once a month.

For me….my me time involves photography. And editing photos. But it is winter so going out and taking photos is kind of hard but I do work with the site called Mendr where you can send in your photos via a phone app to have them edited. So, if you don’t like how a photo looks, like maybe there is trash in the background, you should download the Mendr app. Maybe I’ll get your photo… Or maybe comment below and i’ll tell you how I can directly edit your photo thru the Mendr app.

#Lyric Are We All We Are-Pink

Oh
Oh
Are we all we are
Are we all we are
Cut to now holy wow
When did everything become such a hell of a mess?
Maybe now, maybe now
Can somebody come and take this off my chest?
I know you think it’s not your problem
I know you think that God will solve them
But if your shit is not together it’ll never be
You and me
Plant the seed
Open up and let it be
We are the people that you’ll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of (Rest of)

Oh
We’ve had our fill
We’ve had enough
We’ve had it up to here
Are we all we are
Are we all we are
We are the people that you’ll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of (Rest of)

Oh
Just sing it loud until the kids will sing it right back
Are we all we are
Are we all we are

Oh
Oh
Are we all we are
Are we all we are

Seven seconds
Seven seconds
That is all the time you got to make your point
My attention, my attention’s like an infant tryin’ to crawl around this joint
I know I’m better than the masses
But we’re all followin’ our asses
And if our shit is not together
It’ll never be
You and me
Plant the seed
Open up and let it be
We are the people that you’ll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of (Rest of)

Oh
We’ve had our fill
We’ve had enough
We’ve had it up to here
Are we all we are
Are we all we are
We are the people that you’ll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of (rest of)
Oh
Just sing it loud until the kids will sing it right back
Are we all we are
Are we all we are

Four, that’s how many years it took me to get through the lesson
That I had to do it all my own
Three, that’s how many Hail Mary’s they would pay for me
Thinkin’ I was gonna end up all alone
Two, for second chances that you’ve given me
Can it be lucky me, lucky me
Now let’s go
One, it’s what we are, it’s what we are

Are we all we are
Are we all we are
We are the people that you’ll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of (Rest of)

Oh
We’ve had our fill
We’ve had enough
We’ve had it up to here
Are we all we are
Are we all we are
We are the people that you’ll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of (Rest of)
Oh
Just sing it loud until the kids will sing it right back
Are we all we are
Are we all we are
We are the people that you’ll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of (Rest of)
Oh
We’ve had our fill
We’ve had enough
We’ve had it up to here
Are we all we are
Are we all we are

We are the people that you’ll never get the best of
Not forget the rest of (Rest of)
Oh
Cut to the future sing it loud and take the power back
Are we all we are
Are we all we are

Self empowerment anthem. Stand up for yourself message

I absolutely love this song. the beat is so amazing. Its upbeat and empowering. It’s a song I want to listen to when I need to feel better about myself. I already have a low self esteem and anxiety makes it that much worse. I love Pink. She’s just her. I mean she doesn’t ever conform to what society thinks she should be. She does what she wants. She sings what she wants. She is amazing and such a role model.