All the time

 

There are so many days where I feel like I cannot win at anything. Like I am just a huge failure. Honestly. Am I the only one who feels this way? I’m Cranky. I’m moody. I’m opinionated. Seriously. I’m kind of a strict parent, but there are days where I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job. Like will I ever find something I am good at? My thing?

Sometimes I feel like I will never live up to everyone’s expectations.

But, please be aware that I am trying my hardest all the time.

I may have my days. But even in my darkest hour, I am still trying my hardest. Every single day I try to be my best self. Every single day, I try to get a handle on my disorder.

So please, don’t say I am not trying. No one will ever know just how hard I try.

…………

Anxiety sucks!


Merry Christmas Eve everyone. Hope you have a great night

#Lyrics 1-800 Logic

 

I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die today
I just wanna die
I don’t wanna be alive
I don’t wanna be alive
I just wanna die
And let me tell you why
All this other shit I’m talkin’ ’bout they think they know it
I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter
I know it, I know it, I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die today
You don’t gotta die
I want you to be alive
I want you to be alive
You don’t gotta die
Now lemme tell you why
It’s the very first breath
When your head’s been drowning underwater
And it’s the lightness in the air
When you’re there
Chest to chest with a lover
It’s holding on, though the road’s long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you’ll thank God you did
I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’
I know you’re the reason I believe in life
What’s the day without a little night?
I’m just tryna shed a little light
It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
Who can relate?
I’ve been on the low
I been taking my time
I feel like I’m out of my mind
It feel like my life ain’t mine
I finally wanna be alive (finally wanna be alive)
I finally wanna be alive
I don’t wanna die today (hey)
I don’t wanna die
I finally wanna be alive (finally wanna be alive)
I finally wanna be alive (oh)
I don’t wanna die (no, I don’t wanna die)
I don’t wanna die
(I just wanna live)
(I just wanna live)
Pain don’t hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I’m moving ’til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don’t even wanna die anymore
Oh I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t even wanna die anymore
If you haven’t watched the video, I suggest hitting the play button on top. It is extremely powerful. I was not prepared for this video or the tears that followed. It is that powerful.
The song was written because Logic did a fan tour. He sat down and ate meals with fans and they told him how his prior music had saved their lives. He said that he wasn’t even trying to save lives. But what could happen if he really did? His whole album Everybody is a powerful message in itself. It is more than just this song.
I came about this songs at a music awards after the tragic passing of Chester Bennington. Right after Jared Leto provided his tribute, Logic performed this song. What was so beautiful about the performance is he had people on stage. Now I think any other artist would have used actors. But not Logic. He used actual people who called the Suicide hotline. He used survivors. He used Champions. He used Warriors. There is a tattoo that many people get who have fought their mental illness its a semi colon. What this signifies is that their stories are not done yet. It just paused for a moment. and they are continuing on.
If you have had suicidal thoughts. Help is out there. Please don’t be afraid to call the hotline the number is 1-800-273-8255. Asking for help does not make you weak. Asking for help makes you stronger than you know. You are showing your strength by understanding that you cannot do this alone. You are showing strength by reaching out. The people at this hotline will not judge you, and neither will I. I will never judge you. I will always be a listening ear. I know that you are in pain. I will never make you feel worthless. I will never make you feel like your pain is your fault. I do believe you can comment anonymous, but even if you can’t. I still will never judge you. You are a warr;or you are a champ;on you are a surv;or.
Merry Christmas Eve everyone

All inside

 

People like to judge. They say they don’t. But you and I both know that they do. I mean can you honestly say you’ve never judge someone or something? I know I am guilty. I am not exactly proud of it either. Actually, I’m not proud of it at all. I say I only judge a person on how they treat others. And when I am joking I say I judge a person based on their music preference.

I mean that in the sense that if all you listen to is songs about degrading women, I’m obviously gonna think that you don’t have a fond opinion of women.

But I actively try not to be a judging person. It is a daily goal. Which isn’t too hard because I don’t get out much.

However, have you ever had a panic attack in public? See all those people starring at you? Judging you? Its an awful feeling. Now imagine your closest friends and family doing the same thing. Sitting there, while you can’t get a decent breath, judging you. This is one of the reasons why I keep it all inside.

Another reason is generally just people. When I think I have someone that I can vent to, someone who understands, they seem to just shut me down. They shut me out and make every single thing about themselves. It is quite annoying actually. Like I have a drama. I have problems. This is giving me anxiety. Help. And all they want to do is lay their problems on me. Like I really need any more problems to worry about. This is a major reason why I keep it all inside.

#Lyrics Screen-Twenty One Pilots

 

I do not know why I would go

In front of you and hide my soul

‘Cause you’re the only one who knows it,

Yeah you’re the only one who knows it

And I will hide behind my pride

Don’t know why I think I can lie

‘Cause there’s a screen on my chest

Yeah there’s a screen on my chest

I’m standing in front of you

I’m standing in front of you

I’m trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

I’m standing in front of you

Oh I’m standing in front of you

I’m trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

I can’t see past my own nose, I’m seeing everything in slo-mo

Look out below crashing down to the ground just like a vertical locomotive

That’s a train, am I painting the picture that’s in my brain?

A train from the sky, locomotive, my motives are insane

My flow’s not great, okay, I conversate with people

Who know if I flow on a song I’ll get no radio play

While you’re doing fine, there’s some people and I

Who have a really tough time getting through this life

So excuse us while we sing to the sky

I’m standing in front of you

I’m standing in front of you

I’m trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

I’m standing in front of you

Oh I’m standing in front of you

Oh I’m trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

Oh oh oh 

We’re broken

We’re broken

We’re broken

We’re broken people, oh

We’re broken people, oh

We’re broken

We’re broken

We’re broken

We’re broken people, oh

We’re broken people, oh yeah

We’re broken

We’re broken

We’re broken

We’re broken people, oh

We’re broken people, oh yeah

I’m standing in front of you

I’m standing in front of you

I’m trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

I’m standing in front of you

I’m standing in front of you

Oh I’m trying to be so cool

Everything together trying to be so cool

There are just some of those songs that you put on your playlist because you can relate to them. Like the line ‘we’re broken people’….yeah. I think that there are more people who have problems, that are broken but they hide it so well because they’re afraid of what others might think of them. So we all just try to be so cool.

The line that I think the majority of fans relate to the most is the part where we’re having a hard time in this life. There are some people who have an easy life. Like things just come to them. Its so easy. and yeah. Sometimes, when I’m really down. I envy them. I don’t try to stay on this feeling for too long because thats not good for my health. But there are some of us who literally have to scratch and crawl for everything we have.

Not a decision

 

I hate when people honestly believes that my anxiety is something that I chose. That I somehow make my heart race. That I make my breath shallow. That I choose to have these awful thoughts in my head. That I choose to be a pessimist. Trust me, I never would choose this.

When I was in the 10th grade, the high school called my mom and advised her it would be in my best interest if I went to the ER. I was have a major panic attack. I was light headed, I almost passed out. I was crying. I couldn’t breath. I was weak.

On a personal note, this particular visit was very embarrassing for me because my mom called my older brother. And I was hooked to the EKG with no bra only that really thin gown they give you. That isn’t something I feel comfortable being like in front of my older brother. He always taught me to be fully covered. Since we live in a world where men who rape women say they have it coming because of what they wore. My brother ensured that I could handle myself…and that I  understood that covering up can be just as cute as wearing nothing at all. You really can find adorable clothes that make you look hot as hell without showing you ass or boobs. Do I think women should base their clothes on mens decisions to be dicks? Hell no. I believe in women being able to wear whatever they want just like men do. I just so happen to like wearing clothes that don’t show all of my ‘goodies’ I mean I can wear a low cut top if I want to. But it isn’t something that I want to wear every single day. Im getting side tracked. I apologize.

At this ER visit, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. See that word there. DIAGNOSED. I didn’t choose this life. I sure as hell didn’t bribe the doctor into writing it This has never been a decision of mine. I don’t think that there is anyone who would actively choose to have any mental illness.

#Lyrics Basket Case-Green Day

 

Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once  (Anxiety makes things seem like everything is going on all at once but it comes out like nothing)
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me (Your mind will play tricks on you and make think things are extremely bad)
It all keeps adding up
I think I’m cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Or am I just stoned
I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it’s lack of sex that’s bringing me down
I went to a whore
He said my life’s a bore
So quit my whining cause it’s bringing her down
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I’m cracking up
Am I just paranoid? (To me the media, the world, even your family wants you to think that you are paranoid, that you’re going crazy. Because having anything wrong with you is not normal…don’t listen to them)
A ya-ya-ya
Grasping to control
So I better hold on
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I’m cracking up
Am I just paranoid?
Or am I just stoned?
I don’t remember when this song came out exactly. Of course I can look up the release date. But I mean when it actually came out. I don’t remember it coming on MTV I think I was only like 3. But it is green day
Billie Joe is my spirit animal. Or at least who I would want my spirit animal to be. Hes crazily hot. Hes amazing vocalist. He’s unbelievably talented. And then there are his eyes His beautiful green eyes. They are so damn amazing.
This song was written in regard to panic attacks. Billie Joe suffered them when he was younger. He would walk around his neighbor to calm himself down. The song also compares these types of attacks to being stoned.
It is an upbeat song about what it feels like to have your mind playing tricks on you. It is over 20 years old and this song is still on my playlists. There are just some songs that never get old. And a lot of them are Green Day songs. Yes, I am a huge fan girl of Green day

What a smile hides

 

In life, there are people who actively choose to not understand mental health at all. This is where the stigma lies, in my opinion. It’s like they just want to see that everyone is normal. And if you’re not normal, then you are just plain crazy.

So how do we tell anyone what is wrong? What our demons are like? It is hard for me to tell people when I am feeling anxious. They all look at me like I am crazy. Like why would I be so nervous or anxious? That I shouldn’t have anything to be afraid of. It is times like these, where you know people are intentionally judging you. Because they won’t understand. Because they think you are crazy. Because you just want attention. Because you are faking it.

Because of this….I mostly pretend.

It is quite amazing what a smile can hide. A smile can hide your pain. A smile can hide your anxiety. A smile can hide your demons. When you add make up to the mix, you can even hide your tears.

This stigma filled world has everyone looking through rose colored glasses. They don’t want to really look past my smile. They actively ignore any signs. They actively want to believe that my smile means I am normal. I am normal. But my normal isn’t their normal. And I am perfectly fine with that. I wouldn’t want to be so naive to not see the mental health in the world. I wouldn’t want to be so naive to think that everyone who has a problem is crazy. What is Normal anyway?