Not a decision

 

I hate when people honestly believes that my anxiety is something that I chose. That I somehow make my heart race. That I make my breath shallow. That I choose to have these awful thoughts in my head. That I choose to be a pessimist. Trust me, I never would choose this.

When I was in the 10th grade, the high school called my mom and advised her it would be in my best interest if I went to the ER. I was have a major panic attack. I was light headed, I almost passed out. I was crying. I couldn’t breath. I was weak.

On a personal note, this particular visit was very embarrassing for me because my mom called my older brother. And I was hooked to the EKG with no bra only that really thin gown they give you. That isn’t something I feel comfortable being like in front of my older brother. He always taught me to be fully covered. Since we live in a world where men who rape women say they have it coming because of what they wore. My brother ensured that I could handle myself…and that I  understood that covering up can be just as cute as wearing nothing at all. You really can find adorable clothes that make you look hot as hell without showing you ass or boobs. Do I think women should base their clothes on mens decisions to be dicks? Hell no. I believe in women being able to wear whatever they want just like men do. I just so happen to like wearing clothes that don’t show all of my ‘goodies’ I mean I can wear a low cut top if I want to. But it isn’t something that I want to wear every single day. Im getting side tracked. I apologize.

At this ER visit, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. See that word there. DIAGNOSED. I didn’t choose this life. I sure as hell didn’t bribe the doctor into writing it This has never been a decision of mine. I don’t think that there is anyone who would actively choose to have any mental illness.

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