I pray

I know that I talk a lot about how bad my anxiety is. But I feel like I don’t talk about the fact that although I am completely riddled with anxiety. I try to help others as much as I can.

I have a lot of friends who have mental illness and I try to be like a mother hen and encourage them in their battles with their mental illness. I mean we all need that someone in their corner.

Part of the reason why I decided to create a blog was to break the stigma surrounding mental illness, discuss freely what I deal with and try to encourage others so that they know that they are not alone.

I pray that you quit overthinking. I hope that you take time out of your day to allow your mind to relax.

I pray that you quit replaying failed scenarios in your mind. And I hope that you can accept that you cannot change the past.

I pray that you stop feeding your self doubt.

I pray you start seeing the good in everyone especially yourself.

You deserve this, you deserve happiness, you deserve more.

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Self-confidence

Do you ever feel like you just don’t have enough confidence in what you are doing? yeah, me too. I wish I knew what if felt like to have self confidence. Having anxiety just makes that a whole lot worse. Even when I feel like I know what I am doing. I just feel like I’m not good enough. It is pretty much in a lot of my life

For instance, I am taking a math class. I have always prided myself on being pretty good at teaching myself and being pretty book smart. However, during one week of this class, I just didn’t understand. At all. I spent 9 hours I swear on just one question. I just didn’t understand. I ended up crying because I was so frustrated. It was awful. After my tear session, I tried to look at the proble with new eyes. Finally I was able to kind of understand. I really hate not understanding. Especially math. It was the one subject that I was good at. And it’s not the first time that I have cried over this specific class. After a week of studying, I felt that I knew the material pretty well. Then comes time for the test and I’m looking at the problems like I have never seen words before. Again, I cried. I was not confident in anything I knew and I even take wonderful notes but still couldn’t understand. I ended up passing with an 85 on that test.

I don’t know if it is the same for you guys. Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe I’m not the only one who cries when they’re frustrated. If you have moments where you feel like you have a lack of self-confidence, my comment section has always been open to anyone and everyone. There is no judgement here. We will help eachother, we will break the stigma. Comment your moments. Comment the ways you combat these moments. Maybe the ways you fight against this will help someone else, or me.

I’m ok

Have you ever told someone you were okay when you really weren’t?

Yeah I find myself doing that a lot. And its not because I don’t want to tell others how I feel.

I swear its not.

Its more of me not wanting to burden others with my problems. With my feelings. With my mind.

Its me not wanting to make others feel the way I do

Its me being afraid of how they will react.

Some people don’t think that anxiety is a real sickness and sometimes I feel like explaining my anxiety is like me trying to prove that my illness is real.

Why should I have to prove anything? I shouldn’t

However, I do sometimes want someone to look at me and say, I know you’re not okay. And that is okay.

I want them to hold me and listen to me and understand. I want them to be open to the possibility that maybe anxiety isn’t some fake illness people use to get out of doing things. Because thats not what anxiety is to me.

Now, my husband is pretty good at noticing the signs of when I’m not ok. He can look at my face and know. But he’s not going to call me out in front of others and put me on the spot. He lets me come to him when I am ready to talk.

So if you’re not okay, and say that you are, you are welcome to speak to me. My comment section has always been open to anyone and everyone. Please feel free to use it.

My anxiety

 

 

Sometimes I feel like my anxiety is preventing me from enjoying the things that I really should at my age and has been for at least 10 years.

Not saying that I don’t do things. It is just that when I am doing them I feel incredibly anxious and I am probably not as outgoing as I should be. Okay, I know that I am not as outgoing as I sohould be.

I love music. It is in the blood. My brothers are good at guitar. My father played all kinds of instruments and was a really good song writer…I hate that we were unable to find the songs he wrote. He even wrote me one. So I love going to see a band live. there is something about an artist who sounds better live than they do on their cd. Like Fall out Boy and Green Day are fantastic live. I could listen to them forever. Once the music starts playing, I am not as anxious as I was before. But waiting for the band to start playing makes me incredibly anxious.

Talking to new people I tend to not do to well. Either I come off incredibly rude or I talk way too much. I mean if you get to know me on a personal level and I feel comfortable with you….I talk a lot. like a whole lot Especially if you get on a subject I am completely passionate about.

So, anyone else feel like their anxiety is preventig them from doing things? What do you do to combat your anxiety?

#BreakTheStigma

I smile

 

I know there are a lot of people who are good at putting on a show. I know I am. I can be so very anxious in a group but look like I am perfectly fine. I smile. But what’s underneath is totally different.

See, in awkward situations, I am very uncomfortable. I wanna walk away..no scratch that. I want to run. I want to hide. I start biting my lip. I start organizing things. Like in the store. I turn the prodcts so that the label is facing forward.

I am willing to try anything, most the time. Except roller coasters. I cannot do them. Even on anxiety medication I do not feel that they are safe and freak out. The last one I went on.. I had gone on it a million times as a kid. but for some reason when I went this last time. I freaked out. When we got off… I cried. in the middle of a big crowd. bawled my eyes out. So we walked around the amusement park until my brother was ready to go home. Do I feel bad that I was a party pooper? Extremely. Especially since my brother did this for my birthday and I was just a wuss.

I go to concerts. The crowds scare the crap out of me. I go to wrestling events. I am terrified of the people. I find my seat and let my husband help by going thru the crowd to buy the merchandise. Even though I usually don’t get merchandise I mean have you seen the prices there? But he doesn’t mind. Because all he has to do is look for me instead of try and count rows and seats. He just looks for me and ta-da he found his way back to his seat.

Anyone else have any situations where they smile even though their inner self is screaming?

Can’t do everything

 

 

 

One thing that I find is very hard for me to actually comprehend is that although I can do anything, I can’t do everything. I want to do everything. I relly want to do everything.

I try so very hard to do absolutely everything and when I fail….. I feel like a complete failure. Like I drop my kid off at school by 7:35 am and I am home before 8 am. I get back in line to pick my kid up from school at 1. (Yes I am aware that I sit in line for an hour an a half, but I get to work on my writing then….)

So from 8 am to 1pm I want to do school work, work on the blog, clean, spend some quality time with the baby, get dinner ready, run errands, grocery shop and pay bills. Does that always happen….not really. Does it make me feel bad… It really really does.

So what I need to start understanding is that I cannot always do everything. I do try to only grocery shop once a week. So Sunday, I meal plan, write up my grocery list and go to the grocery store. I clean in the morning and evening. I run my errands at noon so that I go from errands and paying bills to getting in line at the school. While I am in line I try to work on the blog…some days I am very awful…sorry guys. I spend quality time with the baby watching learning shows and playing games from the time we get home til I leave… during her nap time from around 8:30 to 9:30 I work on school and then I work on it again later that night.

Schedules really seem to help my anxiety. However, I feel like I set myself up for failure a lot because if I don’t get things done on my schedule or if things don’t go according to plan… I get really anxious.

I can do anything….but not everything.

Sometimes you need to learn how to delegate and rely on your support system.

I think i think

Thats sounds so funny. I think I think too much.

What I really mean is that I think that I overthink. I have been described as analytical. I have never been the type of person who is able to just do. Without hesitations. Without thinking.

Spur of the moment decisions give me so much anxiety.

Am I right?

I over think every little thing.

Did I do that right?

Am I talking too much?

Am I being weird?

Should I have said that?

The list goes on and on and never stops.

Like I am not sure what the purpose of this blog post really is except to admit to all of you and myself….That I overthink.

I thought a lot about creating a blog. I thought what if noone reads it. What if people make fun of me. What if they think I am crazy. But in the end…I decided to do it. Because of myself. Because of my friends and because of everyone out there who is too afraid to speak out about mental health.

Chester Bennington wanted to bring awareness to this. His wife is doing an amazing job of trying to break the stigma since Chesters passing. As a fan of Chester and someone who has been quite annoyed with the stigma. I think we all should work towards breaking the stigma.

If that means talking about it over and over…every single day…even if someone gets uncomfortable. Then lets do it. I try to post everyday. Some days I just can’t. But please. Send in comments. Start discussions. Take to social media.

It’s time we #BreakTheStigma