Some things hurt

I know that a lot of anxiety is over thinking.

But one of the worst parts of anxiety is how the things that hurt the worst seem to play in my head over and over.

It’s like your favorite song. You put it on replay and dance around singing along. Except its the hurtful things.

They play in my head like a bad movie.

Did I do something wrong?

There are a dozen questions that play along with this bad movie and more pop up each time that the movie replays.

Does anyone else feel this way?

 

 

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Please don’t answer

I might be in my 20’s but I still hate making phone calls.

My brother laughs at me for using my customer service voice. See I use to work in a call center and we all have that voice that we put on to make ourselves seem like we’re happy and helpful. We have to keep that voice even when the customers are being rude.

I had a foreign customer one time who said a lot of rude nasty things like he wanted me to do something to him and he was just completely rude. After advising that I would hang up if he did not stop he got progressively worse. I finally hung up, went and cried.

But having to make a phone call I sit there in my head and say ‘please don’t answer, please don’t answer’

Calling people gives me great anxiety. I am not even sure why. It really just does. If I can get away with it, I have someone else make the phone call. See a for rent sign, ask my husband to call. I got away with my mom calling for doctor appointments until I had my first kid. Unfortunately, now I have to make all of the phone calls myself.

So when I do make a phone call, I try to be alone. For some reason, being in a room alone while I am on the phone gives me a little bit more confidence. Don’t ask me why. It just does. For some reason, being in a room with other people when I have to make an important phone call makes me feel like I am being judged by those around me.

Do you feel the same way?

Not good enough

One of my biggest fears is that even when I try my hardest, I will still not be good enough.

I know that no one is perfect. I will never be perfect.

But for some reason, I feel like I will never be good enough.

Not a good enough mother.

Not a good enough wife, daughter, sister, friend.

I fear that I will always be providing something subpar.

For instance. I have been trying for almost 2 years now to lose weight. Since I gave birth to my 2nd daughter, I have only lost maybe 30 lbs. I still have 60 to go and I don’t see it going anywhere. My weight has been yo yo-ing no matter how much I try to work out. How many steps I take, how healthy I eat. How many calories I cut. How many squats I do. I just cannot seem to get it to go back to my old weight. It gets depressing.

Although, my husband has reassured me over and over that he doesn’t care about how I look. I fear that my weight will never be where I want it and that it will interefere with my relationship.

Do you guys have insecurities? Do you ever feel not good enough? Comment below how you try to combat these feelings. Maybe your words will inspire someone else.

Lets #BreakTheStigma

Sarcasm

I am a sucker for using sarcasm as a way to cover up how I really feel. I joke about things to just try to hide how bad my anxiety really is. But I am also super sensitive. Jokes can hurt me.

They usually do. It took my husband a while while we were dating to learn that joking about certain things wind up in arguments or I end up crying.

I use sarcasm to shelter my feelings. To shelter the way I really feel.

My anxiety is so bad. It is always there. It’s like that annoying friend that everyone hates but still tolerates. That always tells everyone what is wrong with everything. You know, the type of friend that downs every little idea you might have. Try having that in your thoughts every second of every day.

I know this post is short. I am sorry. Really, I am. I just thought of this and said ‘hey maybe others undestand and wanna see it too.’

Do you use sarcasm and jokes to make things a little easier.

Have you ever felt that your jokes make things more awkward? I feel like I make the awkward situations. But then again, that could just be my anxiety talking.

 

Over analyze

 

I overanalyze situations because I am afraid that I will not be prepared for them.

I am the type of mother who packs half a pack of diapers before sending my youngest daughter anywhere. I am the type of person who packs six sets of clothes for a three day trip. I am the type of mother who packs drinks and snacks for everyday errands.

I over plan everything because I worry that if I don’t, I won’t be prepared.

I cook dinner for an army even though I only feed four or five people on any given night, myself included. Whatever we don’t eat for dinner or lunch I send to my brother. I cook for my mother in law. When I go grocery shopping I buy extra to make sure that there will always be enough.

Growing up, we didn’t always have a lot of food, So I stock pile on foods that don’t expire so that my kids will never have to go thru that. I tell my husband that we have less in our account than what we really do so that if something happens like a tire blowing, we have that little to fall back on.

I literally plan for everything. I plan the mornings out so that I know that we get the kids to school on time. I usually have my homework and tests done two days early in case there is a storm and I have no lights to use the internet to turn it in.

There are so many what if’s that could happen and I try to plan for every single one of them. Does this cause a lot of stress? Heck yeah, especially when there are the moments when things go wrong. I want to be ready for every single situation that I can possibly control.

Now when there are those times that I can’t control things. I feel at a loss. For instance, my father recently passed. Now although it wasn’t as emotional as many others who have lost their parents, I barely knew my father although I tried. I still have a lot of unanswered questions that unfortunately I will never know. My father passed and it threw everything into a loop. I had to get an extension on my school work so that I could drive almost 4 hours to another state to help my mom and brother collect his remains and possesions. I had to deal with the emotions of knowing that I will never get those answers. We then went back down to do some research in hopes that we could finally get some answers to what he had and what happened. Unfortuantely, we got no answers. Then it was Thanksgiving week and that came with a new wrench, my kid was out of school for 3 days and thanksgiving dinner plans cooking cleaning running to the store multiple times because we kept forgetting things. It has been a very emotional and anxious week.

Thank you all for listening.

What would you like to hear

Hey guys.

We reached another milestone. I now have 45 followers.

I know that doesn’t seem like a lot when you compare it to more successful blogs. But it is a lot for me. I never thought that I would have any followers. That my post would go unread and no one would care.

So thank you guys.

 

I would like to hear what you would like me to write about. It can be anything. Even if I have no idea about the subject, I will do the research.

 

So let the comments begin

Salsa con queso chicken and rice

Sorry theres no picture of the food. It got gone pretty quick.

What you’ll need:

1lb chicken breast

1 pack taco season

1 can cream of chicken

1 1/2 cups salsa con queso

Rice (I used the boil in bag)

1 cup cheese

Cut your chicken into cubes.

Add all ingredients to pan except the cheese.

Bake at 350 til chicken is done and rice is tender.

Cover with cheese and bake until bubbly

Serve

Yummy