#Anxiety… Tips for a relationship (maybe)

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Although I personally hate repeating myself, especially when I have told my daughter to pick up her shoes before someone trips for the thousand time. There are some things that I like to have repeated. Well not like. I need.

The sad thing is. I come across as such a bitch all the time. Because I am afraid. Because I am always asking the same thing over and over. Because I want to know what is going on. Because I feel like someone is talking about me even when I am listening to the same conversation. I don’t know why. It just seems like they’re using some type of code to talk about me. It doesn’t help that these people my husband was friends with started all of these awful rumors about me. Even tho my husband has told them off and they’re no longer friends, they still run their mouth about me or stare me down if I am in the same area as them. They have even made comments about my kids and how they wish they could see them. Like I am in the wrong somehow for not letting them (they are bad people. like a leech. they literally suck the life…and finances out of people) be in my kids life. They also don’t understand the importance of kids having boundaries and respect. But I am getting off subject. Well sort of. They did not help my anxiety in my relationship in the beginning of things. They are a total different subject that I don’t like to get into because well lets just say…I get angry.

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This photo explains pretty much how being in a relationship with anxiety is all about. I know that it says its called relationship anxiety. However, my relationship isn’t the only part that I am anxious over. I am anxious all the time. It’s also not just with my husband that I do these things.

As a momma’s girl, I worry about my moms health. Is she ok? Did she make it home ok? I worry about her driving. I worry about her going to the store alone. I mean her knee gave out on her once. What if it happens in the store and she’s alone. Would someone help her up? Or would they rob her? I worry about my husband taking my daughter to the bathroom in public. You know where he stands outside the womens room. What if he turns for one second and she disappears? What if someone in the bathroom harms her? I literally cannot begin to tell you how much I fear on a day to day basis. Sometimes it is unbearable and I just stay at home and cry. It is awful. I worry about getting into a car accident when me and my husband go somewhere alone in the same car. Who would take care of our girls?

What do I do? well for one… my mom texts me every time before she comes to my house to let me know she is in the car. She texts me when she gets home in the evening and we pretty much text all day until we go to bed. I run all of the errands for her that she doesn’t have to. (Yes I go and run the errands alone even tho it makes me anxious to be in the car. I’d rather it just be me in a car accident to even begin to think about my mom or daughters in my car.) I take her to the store so that I know she is okay. I ask my husband to find the family bathrooms so that he can go in with our daughter. When I am with her in the public restrooms she is no farther than an arms length away from me. I try to ensure that I will always be able to grab her if something happens. We have talked about public safety and the importance of having a secret word. We’ve talked about stranger danger and that you need to make a scene if someone grabs you. Like screaming thats not my mommy or thats not my daddy. Anything that will bring attention to yourself….

There are many weeks where I have gone on about 4 hours of sleep a night. I sit here and worry or over think things. I know that I have provided some posts about how to do things when it comes to anxiety. Tips that might help. Unfortunately, this is a personal post. This is me sharing just a little bit of my personal fears with you. Maybe you’ll feel a little comfortable to share a little bit of your fears with me. Do you have a way to turn your brain off? How do you combat insomnia? I look forward to hearing from you.

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Total Divas Season Premiere

So it is the new season of Total Divas. I know a lot of people bash this show, but I quite enjoy it. This season we are adding Alexa Bliss, Nia Jax and Carmella to the already big cast.

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So Nattie is wearing one of those bra’s that are everywhere on Facebook… and she doesn’t like it??? Well that just proves to me why they’re no good. Not just that. I mean I didn’t think they looked comfortable to begin with.

I love how they integrate the actual matches into the show as well as their personal lives. I also love hearing how they feel. Its like a vlog in the form of reality television show.

By the way… I thought that the First ever women’s money in the bank ladder match was awful. I mean a man winning the match just set the revolution behind so far in my point of view. I was livid watching it. Very livid.

I It is so sweet to see that Trinity and her husband have a nice big house. I remember in the earlier seasons where she was in an apartment. Her husband and his brother are hilarious. They play too much. And it is always funny.

Come on Uso say spa-ghe-ti again. haha. Trinity and John (Jimmy) are hilarious trying to decide who’s championship is better. Hilarious.

I love how they show Brie and Birdie. Amazing. Considering that last week we saw the birth of Birdie and now we get to see her bigger…and she looks just like Bryan (Daniel Bryan) And they’re also showing a flashback to Nikki’s engagement. Which was amazing.

Nikki being Daniels assistant for Smackdown GM would have been quite amazing. I don’t know why they didn’t pitch that. I think it would have been awesome. However, I do understand how the WWE fanbase would have been super ticked because they already believe that Nikki is only where she is because of John….. I hate to break it to you guys…. Nikki is a hard worker and got where she is because of herself.

They show Maryse… and talk about her for what 5 seconds about how they moved from Smackdown to Raw… Then they go to Alexa Bliss and Nia Jax.

Uhm Nia, I am pretty sure that everyone knows that you are the Rock’s cousin. By the way, all of us plus size women are excited for you to represent us. How come Nia never talks about how the Uso’s and Roman are related to her and the Rock as well? I mean they never talk about how the Uso’s are related to the Rock. I mean the Uso’s dad Rakishi talked about how he was related to the Rock. I don’t like how they don’t just say who they’re all related to. come on now.

After commercial break we’re back to John and Trinity going on a history lesson trip. I wish I had Jon’s hair. That wind in his hair. It’s pretty hot.

We are now watching Lana and Rusev in the car talking about her legs that are going to be as big as his? These couples have the most interesting conversations. It is pretty awesome to see Nikki and Nattie help Lana try to get better in the ring.  It is nice to see some teamwork. Although, Lana’s bumps are cringe worthy. I do understand where Lana is coming from tho. Rusev is getting kind of annoying dictating how she’s doing.

I am afraid of heights too Nattie. You’re not alone. I wouldn’t have even attempted to go on that ladder. Not even for one second. I don’t care how much they pay me. However, I think her cat is going to scratch her if she keeps antagonizing him. 2paws or something.

Nattie is trying to find a ladder so that she can get familiar with it before her match. and her mom jumped on top of the car to put the ladder on top. That was quite hilarious. Especially since I have been in a car where things are tied down in a red neck type of way. Oh Nattie. You on that small ladder is me all the time.

Aww look at Jon trying to up the romance level. How sweet. Cannot go wrong with Spaghetti and salad. However, it would be even more sweet if Jon would have shut his mouth and just let it be. Also, saying you cooked when you just got take out is not cool. But that is typical.

Daniel, Brie and Birdie are quite possibly the cutest family ever. I swear they are too cute. It is awesome that the Bella Twins are so active on social media because the entire Bella Army gets to see Birdie and growing and we all get to see how incredibly cute she is. However, she looks completely like Daniel. There is no denying that child. At all. Strong genes.

It is really cool that Nikki allows everyone to come to her house. I wonder how John feels about that. He is very strict. There are a lot of people who have always made fun of the fact that John has a lot of rules.

I feel like Rusev doesn’t want to watch Women wrestle because they could get hurt… Well guys could get hurt too. I understand that he is worried about his wife’s safety, but he needs to understand that this is her dream. You should never hinder someone’s dream even if it scares the hell out of you.

Maryse is pretty cool on Total Divas. However, on TV she seems like a total Witch. I do see where Nia see’s how Maryse is taking things a little too far. I also see Maryse point of view as well. Nia just wanted to know if Maryse has been in this type of match before because well maybe she doesn’t know what needs to happen. Maryse feels like Nia is being rude and saying she’s not apart of this revolution or something to that extent. There is always two sides to every story. However, I stand with Alexa as she’s standing there like ‘what just happened?’

I do praise Alexa for trying to fix things. I giggled at Nia’s joke about speaking over Alexa’s head because she’s so short. It made me giggle.

I completely agree that the new Women’s division should be more thankful to the Veterans who paved the way for the revolution.

Well it’s time for the Women’s ladder match. Nattie is nervous. As I think I would have been. I cannot do heights. At all. What really aggravates me is that they come back for maybe 2 to 3 minutes then go right back to a commercial with only 5 minutes left of the show. That is maybe 5 minutes.  Commercials annoy me.

You would think that with such an amazing thing like the first ever womens ladder match, it would have had more time on air than just 2 minutes. I’m just saying.

However, this looks like it is going to be an amazing season. I am looking forward to seeing where everything goes.

#anxiety….its more than just being anxious

Its amazing the things you find on Tumblr. Especially when it comes to anxiety.

Which I am going to be honest, I suffer severely from anxiety. I was talking to a friend last night after trick or treating and they didn’t realize how bad my anxiety really was.

Let me tell you what happened. We went on a hay ride down the road (it’s technically called a highway, but its one of those country highways) When I was stuffed in the middle of people and my big brother had a hold of my daughter and I had the other one I didn’t feel as anxious, except that either my husband (who was on the rail) or my sister in law (who was standing up) would fall off. However, on the way back it was me at the corner of the trailer barely on the hay bale, exhausted holding my toddler who was asleep trying to keep her warm. I couldn’t stop thinking about what if I fell off. I mean I had my daughter and it scared me more than anything. I couldn’t stop hoping we would back to our starting point. My heart rate the whole way back was not lower than 108 bpm. And this is just one incident. It is so much worse. I promise you. I am anxious, scared, paranoid, terrified or whatever you want to call them all the time.

I say sorry all the time. It is so bad that it has passed on to my daughter. I don’t want her to say sorry for things she hasn’t done or for things she doesn’t need to say sorry about. But I don’t know how to change it. I mean how do you change something that she has watched her mother do almost every day for her whole life. Even in the store… when I wanna pass someone who is just standing in the line. No matter how much it genuinely annoys me that they’re taking up the whole aisle. I still say ‘excuse me, I’m sorry’. Automatically. Even if they’re in the wrong. I genuinely feel like I have done something wrong for passing them in the aisle. I have somehow wronged them by cutting in front of them while they’re browsing the pasta. It sucks.

My husband can tell you this second one. I am always wondering if I am annoying. Is this annoying you? Does it annoy you that I talk about this? Is my music too loud? Is it annoying you? Growing up, I was labeled the annoying little sister. My oldest brother still tells people this. That I was the annoying little sister who wouldn’t stop bugging him. I still think I am annoying. When I needed to ask my other brother for something… I wait til the last minute or try to get our mother to do it because I legitimately fear that I am annoying him to the point he will yell at me. I have cried many times because I knew I needed to ask him for money or something and being extremely afraid that I would have offended or annoyed him somehow. And I kind of rely on my brother. alot. Even tho he thinks my anxiety is not as serious.

I don’t personally say ‘awkward’ like at all. It is something weird to say. However, I have said many times that I don’t want to do something or be somewhere because I feel awkward. I feel awkward all the time. At field trips, I feel awkward. Next to my high school friends, I feel awkward. I’m fatter than they are. I have more mental issues than they do. I’m not as successful as they are. I feel like I have done nothing with my life. They’re life is amazing and I am simply awkward.

My brothers tell me that I am overly emotional. That I am a cry baby. A spoiled little baby. Especially since I still rely on my mom. She believes my anxiety is more than just something I say for attention. She has seen my anxiety take hold of me and shake me full of fear. And sometimes, my anxiety gets so bad that I start crying. Not because I am hurt. But because my brain and body are so overwhelmed that I can do nothing but cry. These are times I don’t try to be around people. These are the times I will excuse myself to the bathroom or my car. Somewhere alone.

This next  one is true for some people. Texting my brothers I feel like the more I text the more I am annoying them. The more I am pulling them away from their life to deal with their needy little sister. My mom and my husband, I text all the time. repeatedly. Until they answer. Because I need them to answer me. I need to know they’re ok. I need them. They are my anchors. They keep me sane. This is why this upcoming weekend is going to be really trying for me. I am going to a concert with a friend…. just my friend…. I have never gone somewhere like a concert without my mother, my husband or my brother. All of my first concerts were with my brother. (Not the oldest) And I knew that if something happened at the concert he could and would protect me.

Even the smallest things can set my anxiety off. Like my thoughts. And no… I cannot change my thoughts. They just pop up. No I cannot stop thinking like my brother or husband. My brain is turning all the time. Non stop.

 

This picture just above is so true. I usually have my husband order my food for me. I have always done it since we got together. He just makes me feel better when he’s ordering it.

However, if you know someone who has anxiety…. please be patient with them. I am begging you. please.

Also, if you suffer from anxiety yourself.. what helps you? Are there certain things that set your anxiety off?