Champion by Fall Out Boy

So yesterday I wrote about being completely scared to go to the Fall Out Boy concert. Well… I did it…. score one for me.. right? maybe. I have been dealing with anxiety, depression and whatever else you want to call it for 10+ years and only 1 of those years was I medicated. So I have gotten very good at hiding it. I have gotten good  at ‘acting’ normal.  There were many times last night where my anxiety wanted to poke its ugly little head out. But I focused on Pete Wentz throughout the whole show and it kind of calmed me down….and honestly I am not sure why.. When the loud pyro went of…which would normally remind me of the car accident… I watched Pete unapologetic rocking out and not caring who watched him. And in the name of Pete Wentz… I jumped, I danced, I rocked and I screamed in the name and love of Fall Out Boy louder than I have ever done at any concert… So Thank you Pete Wentz for coming up on the left side of stage where I so happened to be so that you could be my focus on the show and help me stay out of my anxiety ridden head even if it was only for a few hours.

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So with that being said.. here is a song that I didn’t think I needed til I was hearing it LIVE… now don’t get me wrong… I have loved this song since it came out…but… somehow being there…hearing it loud…live…sung by the band and so many other fans who are probably just like me….gave the song so much more meaning.

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Champion, champion

I’m calling you from the future
To let you know we made a mistake
And there’s a fog from the past
That’s giving me, giving me such a headache

And I’m back with a madness
I’m a champion of the people who don’t believe in champions
I got nothing but dreams inside
I got nothing but dreams

I’m just young enough to still believe, still believe
But young enough not to know what to believe in
Young enough not to know what to believe in, yeah

If this isn’t the truth. Like I am still young enough to believe in things but possibly too broken to believe in things…I guess that because I’m young I might not know what to believe in.

If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything

This is the part that I sung out with all my heart and all the air in my lungs. I haven’t had the best childhood.  There are parts that I push so far down… I don’t like to talk about it because everyone either judges or provide fake sympathy… and I don’t want it. It happened. Do I wish it didn’t? Hell yeah I wish it didn’t…. but I cannot change the abuse that I went thru any more than I can change the color of the sun. So If I can live thru this… thru all the hell that I have endured… all the emotional rollercoasters…. I can live through anything….I can do anything… I am a CHAMPION….

Champion, champion
Champion, champion

I got rage every day, on the inside
The only thing I do is sit around and kill time
I’m trying to blow out the pilot light, I’m trying to blow out the light

I’m just young enough to still believe, still believe
But young enough not to know what to believe in
Young enough not to know what to believe

If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything

Champion, champion
I can do anything
Champion, champion
And I can do anything
Champion, champion
And I can do anything
Champion, champion
I can do anything

If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
I can do anything
(I can do anything I can)
If I can live through this
(Can do anything, anything, yeah)
If I can live through this
If I can live through this
If I can live through this,
If I can live through, live through this

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Social #anxiety and Fall Out Boy

Ok so my inner middle school slash high school I’m so emo self was pretty excited three months ago when I got fall out boy tickets. I mean who didn’t have a crush on Pete Wentz?

As time has grown closer and closer I realize this concert scares the shit out of me. Like literally. I’m terrified of going.

Let me tell you why.

Every concert I have ever been to has either been with one of my brothers (older protective brothers) or my amazingly understanding and supportive husband. Even going to wrestling events I went with my mom or my husband.

This concert is the first concert that I will be going to with just my friend. She has anxiety also. So she is one of my friends that I can talk to without being judged.  But shes not my brother or my husband.

I’ve also never driven to the city its in without my husband. Being in a horrible accident a few years ago makes going to these big cities….scary.

Then we got to add the fact that I am going to be surrounded by people I dont know….tonight is a big test on how well I can handle my anxiety….

You see….I want to do things like this and I usually force myself to do it. This makes my 7th concert. And about 7 wwe events….going to 2 more this month as well. However… After forcing myself to do these type of things… I’m usually dead the next day. As in I don’t want to leave my house to socialize with anyone.

Now I’m not a bad parent and the idea that having a mental illness means youre a bad parent usually pisses me off. When I say I’m dead the next day it means that I am going to sit in my living room watching paw patrol playing tea party with my girls.

So….wish me luck tonight guys because I’m leaving for the show in about an hour….. (In thru the nose out thru the mouth….breathe breathe…)

A little bit of humor..

Ok so I’ve posted some personal things thats aren’t so bright. And unfortunately anxiety is like that sometimes….it can be a dark place. With that being said….

I found this on pinterest and thought you guys would like it. I laughed at some of these a little harder than I should have….and some of them are totally me, as in I would totally do it

Bacon cheeseburger tator tot casserole

The name of this dish is makes my mouth water. Then when it’s actually done…your mouth literally waters.. It is really good.

So…you will need:

1 lb ground beef

Bacon

2 cans cream of cheese soup

2 cups cheese divided

1/2 cup sour cream

Tator tots

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brown the ground beef.

While the beef is cooking you will need to cook the bacon as well. I usually cheat and just buy bacon bits. Because I have a tendecy to eat the bacon before it can get into the dish.

Once the bacon and beef have been cooked and drained. (Season how you would your cheeseburgers) you will need to combine all of the ingredients in a bowl (half of the shredded cheese)

Pour into a baking dish. Cover with cheese. Bake 20 to 30 minutes until tator tots are done cooking. Yumm

Forgive the photo. Its pretty amazing and food that taste good doesn’t last long around here

#Relationships and #Anxiety

I use a lot of these, and people use some of these on me and they seem to work

Having a sturdy, healthy relationship with anyone can be a beneficial thing to have when you have anxiety. Having that one person that is there… that can help you.. that can pull you out of that dark place can be amazing.  When I say relationship… I don’t mean just a relationship with a significant other… Relationships could mean your mom…you brother/sister or even your best friend.  It is vitally important for someone suffering anxiety or depression to have that one person that never judges….and always understands.

I sometimes like to scroll thru Pinterest just to pass the time. There are things that others have posted from Tumblr or other sites. That is when I found the picture from above. And I thought… hey this I can write about and just possibly explain why these are important. This way if you have someone in your life that suffers from anxiety.. you can learn a few comforting words that might help. Alright. Here we go….

 

“It’s ok, I’m here”

Knowing that someone is there for you is very important. With anxiety…it can sometimes feel like we’re all alone in this world. Having that one person that is there for you and never judges and is willing to try to help you pull out of that dark place is very important. This should always be the go to phrase when someone you love is having one of those days.

“I’m not going to leave you”

Ah yes. With anxiety we sometimes feel alone. Or at least I do. I have quoted the line from One Tree Hill all the time…. ‘people always leave’ Therefore, when someone like my husband sticks it out and puts up with all my anxious crap and continues to tell me that he will not leave. it is a little reassuring. and allows me to center myself.

“Everything is ok” 

Yeah.. this one phrase is not my favorite. To me, saying everything is ok is like telling me its all in my head. Because at that moment…everything is not ok.. This might work for your anxiety…but it doesn’t work for mine.

“I’m going to protect you”

That is sweet. As someone who suffers from anxiety.. I think it is sweet that someone is willing to protect me from my demons even if I am the only one who battles my demons. But anxiety is so draining. When you go thru an anxiety attack it is as if you have ran a marathon. It is tiring. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t.

“I believe in you”

Considering that there is all of this stigma about mental health. Especially anxiety disorders. I have heard that I am making things up. I am wanting attention. I am a cry baby. It’s all in my head. I can pray it away. I just need to stop thinking like that. Its not real. etc… it is quite annoying. However, to hear someone stop and say hey.. I believe in you. I know your demons are real. I know this is something that is actually happening and I believe in you to beat this. If your significant other or friend or family member suffers from a mental illness… BELIEVE IN THEM

“Hear my heartbeat, focus on that”

This is something that can help someone be pulled out of an attack. This isn’t a technique that I have thought of trying. However, I just might have too.

“You’ll be alright”

I know that there is more to that quote. However, the first part kind of makes me upset. I know that it shouldn’t. I know that they’re just trying to help. But it is kind of like being told hey cry baby you’ll be alright.

“You’re not going to lose me”

I find this one to be very significant. Know that the person who understands you. who never judges you. who is always there for you isn’t going to leave. That is an amazing feeling.

There are many more of these amazing ways to help someone with anxiety. If you have someone in your life who suffers from anxiety…take a look at these sayings. Maybe these can help you help your loved one.

The picture below details just a small amount of what being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety is like. This is something I feel is true. There are days where I just want to be alone. There are times that we’re out with friends or even family and something happens and I just want to go home. There are days where I just want to lay in bed (but it never happens. I am a mom…. I have to take care of my girls. and I do. I have learned how to put my fears aside to ensure that they are well taken care of. I don’t understand why people believe that anyone with anxiety are bad parents. We’re not.. we just ‘worry’ more)

 

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Well guys…let me know what you think

#Lyric time…Unwell by Matchbox 20

Sometimes there are those songs that literally speak to our anxious minds and this just so happens to be one of them. In my true fashion…I will Post the lyrics in bold and my thought in normal text… If this song speaks to you let me know.

Unwell by Matchbox 20 (April, 2003)

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
But sometimes I can’t sleep because my anxiety keeps me up late at night… thinking about things that maybe I should have done or what I did do and how I could have done it differently.
Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why
I don’t know why I feel bad sometimes. I get emotional and worked up. and feel like I am going to have a break down.
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I am not crazy. I feel that people look at me for having anxiety as if I am crazy. I am not. I just cannot control my anxious brain sometimes. It groups safe and unsafe things and puts it all into a singular group of unsafe.
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me
I’m talking to myself in public
Unfortunately, I have talked to myself in public… but not in the I am crazy way. but in a way that is kind of like a person slams on their brakes…why are you riding your brakes car. Or I hate bees… I’ll be sitting in the car with the window down and a bee will come in.. then I will scream say I hate bees and probably jump out of the car.
Dodging glances on the train
I don’t like to look at people because I feel like they will think I am staring
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
With anxiety, you fear that everyone is always talking about you.
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Is there something wrong with me?
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I’ve been talking in my sleep
Yeah I know I talk in my sleep but I am kind of afraid of what I might say in said sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell
This song is really good.  take a listen at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WziA88-n02k

What is #Anxiety???

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This is possibly the most accurate description of what feeling like anxiety is like. Unfortunately, I have this feeling at least 98% of the day.

What is funny is that when the seat belt locks up on me.. I literally freak out. Pulling on it trying to get free, getting frustrated and angry.

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Overthinking is a big part of my anxiety. It is also why I can’t sleep. So I figured if I am going to have a blog that deals with anxiety I might as well be brutally honest right? So here we go.

Second Guess everything.

Did I run that stop light? Did I do a rolling stop? OMG is that cop going to do a U turn and pull me over? Is the chicken completely done? Did I show my daughters enough love today? Did I give them enough boundaries? Did I hurt my mom’s feelings with that comment? Should I have said that? Second guessing is like second nature to me. I pretty much think I don’t do anything right so I have to double check. Because well I just suck.

Analyze things to death

Yeah.. that part about me sucking comes from analyzing everything more than God ever intended it to be analyzed. Seriously. Someone once told me I have an analytical brain. I thought that sounded really cool and that it made me cool. Yeah. That’s not how this thing called anxiety works. Analytical only means that I think a lot and over analyze things way too much.

Expect The Worst

OMG Just reading that statement I can already tell it was written just for me. A lot of people say that I am an overly protective parent. That’s true but because I expect the worse. At a Halloween thing I went to there was all kinds of things just sitting around. Big heavy wood or metal things with sharp edges. My daughter and her best friend (her cousin) were chasing each other around in circle and in my head all I could see is one of them fall face first into one of these items and busting their head open. I know that sounds like really bad of me to say but I cannot help it. So I tell them not to run around those items. I have them run in an open area that is grass and I worry about spiders or snakes (thankfully its getting cold) So I don’t really like them running in grass either. I am terrified of snakes. deathly afraid of snakes and if one bit me or my girls I would probably have a heart attack.

Have Insomnia 

Well as you can tell from when this post was published. I don’t sleep very well. at all. Pretty much ever. I wish I did. I want to sleep. But sometimes my head just thinks about things over and over and over. I make lists for groceries or what bills need to be paid more than once to make sure I got everything right. I clean when I can’t sleep. Organizing things helps when I am anxious. What is sleep? Is it nice?

Hate making decisions, would rather someone make them for you

I hate hate hate hate having to make a decision. Usually because it takes a very long time for me to actually decide. I have to weigh the pros and cons. I have to make a list. I have to get peoples opinion. I think the only decision that I made without any help was when I decided to go back to school. And then I was too afraid to tell anyone.

Regret Often

Pretty much. I am a helping person. I have helped many people. and this isn’t just some way for me to gloat about what I’ve done. Because I completely feel bad that I regret spending all my money or time helping someone when they don’t want to help themselves. I regret buying myself something. Like I need pants I literally only have 3 jeans that fit comfortable. I am fat. I know this. I am trying to lose weight. It just isn’t working. So when I bought those 3 pairs of jeans I completely regretted it. I could’ve spent that money on bills, food or my girls. I don’t do well with spending money on me or having someone else spend money on me.

Can’t let things go/ Take things personally

This is pretty much the root of my arguments with my husband. I hold on to things way too long. Longer than I ever mean to. I promise I won’t do it but then that voice in my head goes….well you remember that one time and then it’s all I can think about. I also take things way too personally. Unfortunately, my husband cannot pick with me too much because I take it offensively or get hurt. I also take it personally if he picks around or jokes with another female because it comes across as flirting when he really doesn’t mean to. He’s an only child and didn’t learn things as easily or as completely as others like the actual way to flirt rather than joking around.

  Criticize yourself

This is me. 100% all day. everyday. I know it makes others upset about how I talk about myself. I am fat. I know I am. According to the weight chart I am way over fat. I used to be skinnier. I wish I could get back to that. I don’t have the best teeth. That comes from a freak accident with my niece and a broken arm. I am not pretty. My face could be skinnier. My hair doesn’t do anything special. It’s not super straight and its not curly. It just sits there and gets knotted. I am not the best mom. I fuss at my kids. I could be better. But I am not. Everyday I criticize something that I have or have not done.

Never 100% Certain/ feel tense

If you asked me if we should go left or right… I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. I don’t know which is the correct way. You ask me for a percentage.. its going to be 95%. I am always tense. I am always prepared to leave. I am always waiting to leave and I am always depending on my husband to provide a little bit of relief. Anxiety sucks.

Feel like you can’t turn your brain off

If you haven’t learned anything from this post, you should understand that I cannot ever turn my brain off. I wish I could be like some of those people who can sit there and not think. What does it feel like to have no thoughts at all?

 

So thank you for listening to this long rant so early in the morning. If you see anything on the list that you can relate to. Let me know. Lets start the discussion on anxiety. Lets break the stigma around mental illness. I look forward to hearing from you.