Don’t speak

I am notorious for hiding what I really want to say. I usually just use sarcasm or jokes to make things better. But end up making things even more bad.

There have been many times in my life where I want to say something but I don’t. Why? Well because I know that it will hurt someones feelings or cause a commotion. When I was a teen, I had the typical disagreements with my mother. But usually, what I really wanted to say, I left inside my brain to eat me away to the point that I wrote her a note saying I was going to run away to live with my brother. I laid that note on her bed. But before she got home. I tore that note up. Changed my mind. And kept on trucking. Hoping things would get better. They did. She’s my best friend now.

I am like my mother in a lot of sense. I know that my mothers feelings get hurt a lot. Which is why I have either held everything inside or tried to protect her. That’s my problem. I try to protect or defend almost everyone. Even when they’ve hurt me in the past. I have been told that I have a mothering sense. But then there are times that I feel like I am a complete awful mother to my own children. My oldest in particular hears me but doesn’t listen. So I end up repeating myself over and over. I hate repeating myself. I really do. I don’t like to talk just to hear myself talk. When I want her to do something I don’t want her to wait til I have said it 5 times before she actually does something. So I fuss. And then I hurt her feelings. Which makes me feel like crap.

Maybe I am overly empathetic. Maybe I feel like crap because I hurt her feelings. I usually feel really bad whenever I hurt anyones feelings and have a very long conversation with myself describing why I should not apologize.

like when I feel that I have been used. Which I have. I am that type of person who will pretty much do anything for anyone. Especially the ones I care about. And I have come to learn that there are those people who only want to talk to me when they want something. I usually just bite my tongue. Let my emotions stay inside until they eat me up and I just explode.

Can anyone relate?

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Categories: anxiety

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