Bottle up

Anyone who has dealt with depression or anxiety or any other type of mental illness, you hear a lot of things like stay positive or quit being a crybaby. Or there is the you’re just seeking attention. Now I know that I deal with extreme anxiety and occasional depression myself….But my post aren’t always about me. I have a lot of friends who go thru the same things or worse. So I feel like I should give them a voice in a world filled with stigmas.

One thing that anyone can do and most likely does even if they don’t have a mental illness is bottle their emotions. If you’ve ever dealt with emotional abuse, you bottle things up so that you don’t hurt the others feelings.

I, for instance, do this a lot. I have people in my life who do things like cut themselves or threaten to do stuff on a whim. So even though I want to scream at them when they’re being stupid or even just have a calm conversation about what they can do to better themselves etc, I can’t because some words hurt them and send them into some type of spiral.

This has been happening my whole life.

Now there are others who don’t care and say what they want to this said person…and it doesn’t always end pretty. I know that I should probably put my foot down, I really should. But it is hard.

I also fear saying what I really want to say. I am terrified of being yelled at. Like my brother. He has always been like a father figure to me since we grew up without our father really in our lives. He likes to treat me like a kid or say things to me and I am an emotional person. Anything that is said to me really stings. Like it cuts me deeply.

I have these things I want to say in my head.. I really do say them in my head… I’m not crazy. But for the life of me I cannot bring myself to say them to him. I am afraid of being scolded or causing any type of confrontation in our relationship. He’s always been there. Always.

I hide my emotions. I’m not the only one. My husband is an unemotional person. My brother doesn’t seem to be phased by much. The list goes on and on. Although, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. They don’t always come to surface. For others… they can hide them and sort them away into a tiny little box. But sometimes, this box gets too crowded and emotions just pour out.

If you ever have an unemotional person in your life. You might want to be careful how hard you push them to open up… they might not stop. Did you ever see that episode of friends where Rachel was dating Bruce Willis character? He was unemotional until she pushed. Then he wouldn’t stop crying. Every single things made him cry. She ended up breaking up with him. So… I would just be careful how hard you push.

I pretend to be ok. Even when I am not. Especially in public. I know a lot of people who are like this. And I typically ask them. ‘Hey, are you ok?’ because I know that they are probably keeping a brave face around everyone else.

This is not healthy, I know. I never said that it was the right way to go about things. However, for many of us, this is the only way that we know how to process. It sucks. But with the current stigma clouding even the slightest possibility that mental health isn’t some demonic plague cast upon us, it can be hard to change things.

#BreakTheStigma

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Categories: anxiety

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