Daughter to father

I’m not going to lie. I don’t know how I should feel right now. I just found out that my father passed away. He passed 4 days ago…they found him 2 days ago and we were notified today.

So here goes part 1.

Dear dad,

Or should I even call you that? Should I call you by your name? In my 20 so years of living you were never there. You were more like the sperm donor who just helped bring me into this world.

Did you not care?

I’ve seen you maybe a handful of times that I can remember. The first time since you skipped state was when I was 11. And you wanted to pretend that I was still your baby girl.

Was I ever?

Why did you leave state? Why didn’t you want to stay around? You could have had visitations…you could have seen my dance solo at church or come to my band concerts.

Why did you not care?

When we left state….after you did…we lived near moms family…and her parents died not too long after that..

Why didnt you call? Why didn’t you see if we were ok?

When we moved back home…did you not care? When your dad died why didn’t you come? Why didn’t you see if we were ok? Were you really that mad at mom for leaving your abuse?

Why did you never check on your kids? Did you not love us? Did you not love me? I grew up without you.

I spent my childhood with one parent. Not knowing why. Not knowing until later that it took 2 to create kids. I spent my childhood afraid of being sent to you, if anything happened to mom. I spent my childhood wondering why you never cared.

I spent my life wondering how….how you could abuse us. How you could hurt us. How you could ever lay your hand on a woman. How. What type of man were you to do such things. What happened in your life to make you slap a crying baby. I’ve heard all the stories.

I grew up amazed by my mothers strength. How strong she was to leave you. To fight for custody. To fight against you and your whole family when she had no one here. Her whole family lived across the country. But she did. She stood up to your abuse and she left and she took us with her. So that we could have a life free of abuse (although she tried her hardest…somethings like abuse cant be avoided…unfortunately)

Mom left you and when she won custody…you didn’t try anymore. Why? Were we trash that you could just throw away?

And now you’re gone. Im not sure if youre in heaven or hell. Or maybe just a void. You never tried to make amends for your mistakes…no matter how many chances I gave you. I even came down without mom to see you…and you blew me off 3 times.

You’re gone and I dont know how to feel. I’ll never get any answers. I’ll never know why. You’ll never get to know your kids as grown adults with kids of their own. You’ll never get to see your grandkids.

You’re gone and I have to come get your things. Your gone and I feel numb. Is it ok to cry for someone you never knew? Is it ok to cry? How should I feel?

Signed,

Your daughter

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Categories: anxiety

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