#anxiety….its more than just being anxious
Its amazing the things you find on Tumblr. Especially when it comes to anxiety.
Which I am going to be honest, I suffer severely from anxiety. I was talking to a friend last night after trick or treating and they didn’t realize how bad my anxiety really was.
Let me tell you what happened. We went on a hay ride down the road (it’s technically called a highway, but its one of those country highways) When I was stuffed in the middle of people and my big brother had a hold of my daughter and I had the other one I didn’t feel as anxious, except that either my husband (who was on the rail) or my sister in law (who was standing up) would fall off. However, on the way back it was me at the corner of the trailer barely on the hay bale, exhausted holding my toddler who was asleep trying to keep her warm. I couldn’t stop thinking about what if I fell off. I mean I had my daughter and it scared me more than anything. I couldn’t stop hoping we would back to our starting point. My heart rate the whole way back was not lower than 108 bpm. And this is just one incident. It is so much worse. I promise you. I am anxious, scared, paranoid, terrified or whatever you want to call them all the time.
I say sorry all the time. It is so bad that it has passed on to my daughter. I don’t want her to say sorry for things she hasn’t done or for things she doesn’t need to say sorry about. But I don’t know how to change it. I mean how do you change something that she has watched her mother do almost every day for her whole life. Even in the store… when I wanna pass someone who is just standing in the line. No matter how much it genuinely annoys me that they’re taking up the whole aisle. I still say ‘excuse me, I’m sorry’. Automatically. Even if they’re in the wrong. I genuinely feel like I have done something wrong for passing them in the aisle. I have somehow wronged them by cutting in front of them while they’re browsing the pasta. It sucks.
My husband can tell you this second one. I am always wondering if I am annoying. Is this annoying you? Does it annoy you that I talk about this? Is my music too loud? Is it annoying you? Growing up, I was labeled the annoying little sister. My oldest brother still tells people this. That I was the annoying little sister who wouldn’t stop bugging him. I still think I am annoying. When I needed to ask my other brother for something… I wait til the last minute or try to get our mother to do it because I legitimately fear that I am annoying him to the point he will yell at me. I have cried many times because I knew I needed to ask him for money or something and being extremely afraid that I would have offended or annoyed him somehow. And I kind of rely on my brother. alot. Even tho he thinks my anxiety is not as serious.
I don’t personally say ‘awkward’ like at all. It is something weird to say. However, I have said many times that I don’t want to do something or be somewhere because I feel awkward. I feel awkward all the time. At field trips, I feel awkward. Next to my high school friends, I feel awkward. I’m fatter than they are. I have more mental issues than they do. I’m not as successful as they are. I feel like I have done nothing with my life. They’re life is amazing and I am simply awkward.
My brothers tell me that I am overly emotional. That I am a cry baby. A spoiled little baby. Especially since I still rely on my mom. She believes my anxiety is more than just something I say for attention. She has seen my anxiety take hold of me and shake me full of fear. And sometimes, my anxiety gets so bad that I start crying. Not because I am hurt. But because my brain and body are so overwhelmed that I can do nothing but cry. These are times I don’t try to be around people. These are the times I will excuse myself to the bathroom or my car. Somewhere alone.
This next one is true for some people. Texting my brothers I feel like the more I text the more I am annoying them. The more I am pulling them away from their life to deal with their needy little sister. My mom and my husband, I text all the time. repeatedly. Until they answer. Because I need them to answer me. I need to know they’re ok. I need them. They are my anchors. They keep me sane. This is why this upcoming weekend is going to be really trying for me. I am going to a concert with a friend…. just my friend…. I have never gone somewhere like a concert without my mother, my husband or my brother. All of my first concerts were with my brother. (Not the oldest) And I knew that if something happened at the concert he could and would protect me.
Even the smallest things can set my anxiety off. Like my thoughts. And no… I cannot change my thoughts. They just pop up. No I cannot stop thinking like my brother or husband. My brain is turning all the time. Non stop.
This picture just above is so true. I usually have my husband order my food for me. I have always done it since we got together. He just makes me feel better when he’s ordering it.
However, if you know someone who has anxiety…. please be patient with them. I am begging you. please.
Also, if you suffer from anxiety yourself.. what helps you? Are there certain things that set your anxiety off?