#anxiety … Its time for something personal

Well as a part of my thank you to my followers. Yeah I know. I haven’t hit a big number of followers but the ones I do have are important and no one can ever change that. So, I was requested to post a personal diary story.

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As a mom with anxiety disorder, things get hard. And no, I don’t mean in any way that would physically harm anyone. My brother was/is a cutter…I won’t go down that road… I do have a high pain tolerance (all natural births both times) however I’m not the type of person who want to test my tolerance.

When I say hard I mean I go thru times where I don’t feel good enough. I stay at home.

The mornings start with my husband leaving for work. Is he going to be late? Did I not hear the alarm to make sure hes up? I sleep too much. I’m not doing my part. I’m not good enough.

After he leaves I start getting things ready for the day. Pull out meat so i can cook dinner and pack kids lunches. Did I remember the spoon? Did I take the crust off the sandwhich? Will this fill them up? Is this what they wanted to eat today? I’m not good enough.

Now comes the part of waking my daughter up so we can get ready for school to pick up my nephews. Am I helping enough? Did I yell at her? Was I too mean? Is my youngest feeling left out? I’m not good enough.

In the car I hear the kids talking…on days like these I’m usually lost in my head. Did I run the light? Did I stop long enough at the stop sign? Then one of the kids asks if I will come eat lunch with them….sometimes its hard to gather the energy to be in a loud room full of kids. Am I there for the kids enough? I’m not good enough.

Getting back home with my toddler usually consists of more picking up. Do I clean enough? Fixing myself and the baby some breakfast. Is she getting the proper nutrtion? Then it’s getting her ready for nap time. I’m not good enough.

While she naps I try to get some school work done. Maybe edit some photos. Wishing that I had the courage to go out and take photos without constantly needing someone with me. I’m not good enough.

Nap times over. Time to clean the baby up. Diapers and clothes changed etc. Then its time to make the baby some lunch. Does she know how much I love her and her sister? I’m not good enough

Time to get the kids from school. This consists of sitting in the car line for an hour to and hour and a half. Once the kids get in the car, do I make enough small talk? Am I asking the right questions about their day? I’m not good enough.

Time to help my daughter with her homework, clean again, give baths and cook dinner. Am I providing enough boundries? Am I giving them enough independence? I’m not good enough.

Luckily, this isn’t an every day occurrence. It does happen. I feel like no matter what I do I’m not good enough. I’m not a good enough mom because I sometimes yell/fuss at my kids. I’m not a good enough wife because I’m usually exhausted by the time he comes home and not loving enough. I’m not a good enough aunt because I keep putting off eating lunch.

Some days. Im just not good enough. And I know people will tell me things like get over it. Hey! you cannot tell me how to feel. Ever! Feelings are something personal. You’re not going to feel the exact same way as I do so you can’t tell me how to feel.

So here’s my persinal entry on how sometimes I don’t feel good enough.

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Cheesy spinach chicken pasta

We do not eat enough greens. At all. My nephew refuses to eat anything green. I try to include things that are healthy in our foods. Especially since we do eat out once a week. And we only do that because I mean hey I do need a break.

What you will need:

Chicken breast. I used 2 decent size

Penne pasta

1/2 cup to a cup sour cream

Cream cheese

Spinach

Ranch mix

Seasoning…your choice

Cheese….your choice

Preheat oven to 350 degree F

Cut the chicken up into bits. I usually do this before cooking because its easier…maybe a little more slimey….but its easier than cooking, waiting for it to cool and then cutting. This way I can just transfer it to whatever I’m cooking.

While the chicken is cooking. Boil the pasta. According to directions. Except you want to pull it off the stove just a little bit before its done. Dont worry it will finish in the oven.

Now, its time to mix some things together. I know it’s a lot of multitasking. But it doesn’t take much time. So here we will need to mix the cream cheese, sour cream. Ranch mix and spinach. It looks kind of gross but hey. It turns out good in the end.

When the pasta is done. Drain it. Add the cooked chicken and the pasta to the spinach mix. Stir to combine then transfer to oven. Cover with cheese and bake about 25 to 30 minutes.

#Thank you

I now have 16 followers. Thats pretty awesome. Thank you guys soo much.

When I started this blog…I never believed anyone would have paid attention…that I’d be all alone.

So…as a way to say thank you…

What would you guys like for me to write.

This could be anything like:

Anxiety

Depression

Music reviews

Tv reviews

Movie reviews

Recipes. (You choose a dish or ingredient)

….

Or anything at all. Its up to you.

Post a sugesstion in the comments and lets get this thing rolling.

P.s. for dinner tonight I’m making chicken cheesy pasta.

Again thank you guys…I feel so loved

#MakeChesterProud

So the Chester memorial is on tonight. And I am just one big ball of feels.

Every song hits right in my emotional gut like being kicked in the stomach. I’m crying….a lot….and its ok…I will be ok….we will be ok.

Chester sadly passed away a couple months ago. It had been a very well known fact that he suffered from mental illness and that mental illness is what led to him leaving us.

No its not fair. And I know that sounds so bad for someone to say about anyone who has passed. But its not fair. Not just because as a fan we wont get to hear any mew music from this lyrical genius. He was a father a husband a friend a leader and much more. He was a person.

Whats not fair is depression and mental illness. Theres help available. We know that. Well at least we do now since Chester left us. Depression and suicide prevention has come to the front lines….finally.

There is a hashtag on twitter that Talinda promotes…and so do I. Its #FuckDepression. Because really if im going to be angry or sad or say Fuck You to anything or anyone for Chester it would be depression.

I hate depression. I do. And I hate when I’m depressed. It happens. Okay. Don’t tell me its life. Dont call me a cry baby. Dont tell me others have it worse. Just don’t.

Its actions like that…that caused many people to not get help. Sometimes…we need help. We do. Depression sucks.

Depression hurts. It hurts so bad. Sometimes it hurts so much that we become numb. Being numb is better than constantly feeling the pain.

The thing is….Chester knew that. He could relate to us on a personal level. We relied on him. We waited patiently for the new albums so we could hear more songs about how we felt. Thr true fans that is. I’m not talking about the ones who complained every time an album came out because it didn’t sound like the 1st one.

If anything comes from tonight show…i hope it helps people who are suffering to find a way to get help. No matter what anyone says….ever….getting help is not weakness. It is strength. As a fan, I wish that I could have helped Chester. Maybe just a little.

I know this sounds like a rambled post but im watching the show…bawling like a baby…. And needed to get some thoughts out…please share yours

#OneMoreLight #MakeChesterProud #FuckDepression

Cabage soup casserole

We’ve all heard about the amzing benefits of a cabbage soup….right? I’ve heard that its great for detoxing and other miracle properties….. Could be true since cabbage is really good for you. I, however, just like the taste.

So…

Here’s what you will needg

1 lb hamburger

Onion

About cup of chopped celery (optional)

Beef broth

Diced tomatoes

Tomato sauce

Cabbage…chopped

Salt/pepper

Garlic powder

Before we begin. Lidl recntly opened in my town last week. I’ve been dying to go. So I made a two week meal plan and wrote out my grocery list. Mind you I didn’t need any meat because I go to the local meat market..they have great prices.

I ended up with 55 items for only 58 bucks. Mind you I had a bag full of onions and celery. But my meal plan didnt call for the celery til next week and I didn’t want it to spoil. I was initially looking for frozen chopped celery but couldn’t find any. So…I decided to do it l. I spent half an hour chopping onions and celery just to freeze them. It will save me money in the future and it didn’t even take that much of my time.

The celery in this recipe is optional. I just had some so why not use it. The more green the better right?

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F

You will need to brown the beef. Half way thru I added the onion and celery so they could get nice and done before going into the casserole.

The hardest part I think was chopping up the cabbage. That is after you wash it. Always wash your veggies, fruits and the tops of your cans. Always.

While the beef is cooking chop up the cabbage and place it into your baking dish.

In a bowl, mix together the broth, sauce and tomatoes. Pour this over the cabbage.

When the beef is done…drain it. We don’t need any of that grease in our dish. Add this to the mixture and bake.

It took about 2 hours for the casserole to bake so that the cabbage was all the way done. You do not want to serve something where the cabbage isn’t easy to chew.

Funny thing is….I like cabbage but not Brussel sprouts.

Grey’s Anatomy: Danger Zone

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This is episode 5 of season 14 and it is finally here. We had to wait 2 weeks after Amelia’s brain surgery to see how Megan was kidnapped. As a serious Grey’s fan, that was torture. I mean I watch reruns on Lifetime everyday at 4pm EST. So going two weeks without seeing the Grey Sloan gang is awful.

So tonight is a flashback episode. I think every show has done one. That’s not a bad thing. It allows viewers to see what happened before the characters graced our screens. I actually look forward to flashback episodes because they answer a lot of questions I might have about why the character is the way they are or what happened to them. Therefore, I have waited for TGIT since the last episode.

 

We begin with Owen discussing breaks and cycles. All while in a war zone. The banter between Teddy and Megan show that they are very close. That is until Megan disappeared.

Amelia pulls Owen out of his flashback as Megan is packing up to leave. Already? That doesn’t seem right. She just got in the picture and now she’s going to be in LA. That seems odd. Riggs is there too? So he’s just done with the show? He showed up in a whirlwind causing all kinds of trouble just to leave. I understand that he decided on Megan, but that’s still a little abrupt.

We see Rigg’s first proposal to Megan. Which is interesting because it was a necklace. I wonder if we get to see what happened to the necklace during this episode. So Megan didn’t get the Stat position that she wanted. But it didn’t seem like it was that important, or emotional. We’ve seen just how much Shonda can pull at our heart strings even with the little things.

Back in the present day, Owen jumps in the car with Megan to go with her to LA. A roadtrip. I wonder if he even bothered to tell Amelia.  I mean they honestly do not have the best communication. Like at all. They make rash decisions without discussing it with each other. Like when Amelia decided she just wanted to live with Stephanie. That’s not a marriage.

Sibling road trip….. I forsee arguments… or at least thats how they would be in my family.

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Megan’s son is heartbreaking. You can tell that he had experienced some real trauma.

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So we see why Megan and Riggs were arguing. He cheated, the girl left her necklace and then tried to play it off as an engagement necklace. You sir, are an ass. Like serious ass. I am not sure why she forgave you.

At least we are seeing how compassionate Megan is as a doctor.  The Megan, Owen sibling bonding is cute. Until Megan throws all the arguments in Owen’s face. Which is something siblings honestly does. Riggs ignored Megan’s son. You could guess something bad was going to happen. It was just destined. Megan told Riggs he needed his fan. He is a surgeon. How could he not multitask talking on the phone and helping the boy fix his fan. When Riggs showed up, I didn’t like him. Then I started to. Now, I am starting to not like him again. I hope that Megan’s son is okay. If not, Riggs deserves something bad, real bad. I am very disappointed in Riggs.

Also, I have been trolling twitter-verse under the hashtags #TGIT and #GreysAnatomy. A lot of fans our not too thrilled with this episode. I believe one said that they are waiting for the OMG moment.

Finally, Amelia calls. I was wondering if he even told his wife. What do you have there. He didn’t even tell her he was leaving town. They really need to work on their communication. I wonder if they thought about counseling.

Is Riggs really trying to rationalize the reasons the shooter did what he did so that he can justify his mistakes. Are you serious? Dude, you cheated. In the War Zone. You cheated. There’s no justifying that. Ever. Even if you’re not in television world.

So Owen did keep her from promoting. That’s not a very supportive brother. I understand he says he did it because she could have died. But you have to give your siblings a chance. Maybe if she went to that training she wouldn’t have been kidnapped.

I agree with Farouk there are so many choices. I am actually an easy person to please. I literally eat almost the same thing at every fast food joint.

Way to go Teddy. Tell Riggs off. Stand up for her. Tear into him. He deserves it.  You shouldn’t cave Teddy. You need to make him feel bad. I would. I wouldn’t say hey people mess up. No. He just said that he cheated because him and Megan were fighting. That is in no way a valid excuse. At all.

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Is Megan really trying to kick Owen out of the car on the side of the highway….Miles away from his home. That’s not cool.

Wait…..what??!??

Here I am thinking Riggs is the most vile person that has been a staff member of Grey Sloan and it comes out that Megan cheated first?

That poor woman. The chest tube is coming out. That is painful to get in the first time let alone another time. Megan wants to ride back with her patient. Which of course is against protocol. But Megan tells Owen that Nathan cheated and that’s why.

That poor woman isn’t so poor anymore. She’s the shooter. She’s the reason why Megan got kidnapped. Seriously? That’s not cool. We have 8 minutes left and we are just now seeing how Megan got kidnapped. That’s not cool. I usually love flashback episodes but this one hasn’t lived up to what I am use to from Grey’s. My heart strings were not pulled even in the slightest. They should have been. Megan was kidnapped for 10 years. Tortured. It must have been the worst thing for her to deal with, yet the episode didn’t make me feel anything except a little anger towards Riggs.

I don’t know how I feel about Megan and Riggs just yet. Maybe it is a couple that I got to get use to. That is, if they stay on the show. However, Owen and Amelia need to get their marriage together. Honestly. Owen needs a happy relationship at least once. Amelia deserves a happy life. She lost her dad. Her fiance. Her brother. She had a grapefruit size tumor. She has gone thru enough. And now…. they’re divorcing. Making Owen’s second divorce. Not cool. Maybe now he’ll try to go after Teddy. You know the thing he tried to do before finding out about Amelia’s tumor.

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This episode was advertised as finding out what happened. However, we don’t see how exactly Megan was kidnapped. We seen her in the helicopter with the other shooter, the woman, but that’s it. Nothing else. What happened in that helicopter.

 

A message at the end of the episode shows Owen talking to the fans about Veteran’s homelessness. We get to Kevin McKidd’s real accent. Which I could listen to all day everyday. Just saying. How you doin’ Kevin. 🙂

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Chicken pot pie and noodles

So chicken pot pie is one of the most beloved meals in my family. Honestly, it is. My recipe makes 4 pies. And those pies are gone within 2 days. I actually stole my moms recipe and threw in a little twist to make it my own.

Well last night I got a craving for some chicken pie. I mean its fall. It’s getting chilly. Who wouldn’t want some comfort food to make you warm? I know I did. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any pie crusts and I wasn’t in the mood to make any by hand. What I did have, however, is egg noodles. So the birth of chicken pie noodle soup was born. (Don’t take it too literal….I’m sure someone else has done this before.)

What you will need:

Roughly about a 1lb of chicken…cooked….I used 2 big chicken breast cut into cubes and baked.

1 bag egg noodles

2 cans cream of chicken soup

1 container chicken broth

1 bag frozen mixed veggies

Water. I used about 2 of the soup can full of water.

Seasonings…this is up in the air. It’s actually based on what one likes. Spicy or more herbs. Whatever your taste buds desire.

You will want to cook the chicken prior. I always cut it up bake it with some salt and pepper maybe some other seasons, just depends what I’m feeling

The next part is by far the easiest recipe you will find. Throw all the ingredients into a pot except the egg noodles. Let this warm thru. (Please don’t really throw the ingredients…unless you’re prepared to clean up the mess).

Once the veggies are just about done (I determine this by how easy is it to bite thru the carrot or pea) add the egg noodles. Allow to simmer until the noodles are done and serve.

While the broth is heating you can add the seasons you want. Im not a fan of recipes that try to tell people exactly what season they need to use….what if I don’t like basil? Is it really going to ruin the dish if I dont put it in? So, in pretty much all my recipes…the seasonings like lemon pepper, cayenne, etc is up to the reader. Do you like hot food? My brother does, so he would add more hot spices to his food.

But there you are. A simple yet comforting dish that doesn’t take long at all.