#anxiety … Its time for something personal
Well as a part of my thank you to my followers. Yeah I know. I haven’t hit a big number of followers but the ones I do have are important and no one can ever change that. So, I was requested to post a personal diary story.
As a mom with anxiety disorder, things get hard. And no, I don’t mean in any way that would physically harm anyone. My brother was/is a cutter…I won’t go down that road… I do have a high pain tolerance (all natural births both times) however I’m not the type of person who want to test my tolerance.
When I say hard I mean I go thru times where I don’t feel good enough. I stay at home.
The mornings start with my husband leaving for work. Is he going to be late? Did I not hear the alarm to make sure hes up? I sleep too much. I’m not doing my part. I’m not good enough.
After he leaves I start getting things ready for the day. Pull out meat so i can cook dinner and pack kids lunches. Did I remember the spoon? Did I take the crust off the sandwhich? Will this fill them up? Is this what they wanted to eat today? I’m not good enough.
Now comes the part of waking my daughter up so we can get ready for school to pick up my nephews. Am I helping enough? Did I yell at her? Was I too mean? Is my youngest feeling left out? I’m not good enough.
In the car I hear the kids talking…on days like these I’m usually lost in my head. Did I run the light? Did I stop long enough at the stop sign? Then one of the kids asks if I will come eat lunch with them….sometimes its hard to gather the energy to be in a loud room full of kids. Am I there for the kids enough? I’m not good enough.
Getting back home with my toddler usually consists of more picking up. Do I clean enough? Fixing myself and the baby some breakfast. Is she getting the proper nutrtion? Then it’s getting her ready for nap time. I’m not good enough.
While she naps I try to get some school work done. Maybe edit some photos. Wishing that I had the courage to go out and take photos without constantly needing someone with me. I’m not good enough.
Nap times over. Time to clean the baby up. Diapers and clothes changed etc. Then its time to make the baby some lunch. Does she know how much I love her and her sister? I’m not good enough
Time to get the kids from school. This consists of sitting in the car line for an hour to and hour and a half. Once the kids get in the car, do I make enough small talk? Am I asking the right questions about their day? I’m not good enough.
Time to help my daughter with her homework, clean again, give baths and cook dinner. Am I providing enough boundries? Am I giving them enough independence? I’m not good enough.
Luckily, this isn’t an every day occurrence. It does happen. I feel like no matter what I do I’m not good enough. I’m not a good enough mom because I sometimes yell/fuss at my kids. I’m not a good enough wife because I’m usually exhausted by the time he comes home and not loving enough. I’m not a good enough aunt because I keep putting off eating lunch.
Some days. Im just not good enough. And I know people will tell me things like get over it. Hey! you cannot tell me how to feel. Ever! Feelings are something personal. You’re not going to feel the exact same way as I do so you can’t tell me how to feel.
So here’s my persinal entry on how sometimes I don’t feel good enough.