I know I am safe and I know I am loved. However, it doesn’t always feel that way.
Two years ago, I was in a pretty bad car accident. Some people say it wasn’t so bad because I could walk out of my car. That is after a nice man yanked the door open for me.
I was sitting at a stop light. Minding my own business. Listening to music at a decent volume when I heard this loud bang and everything went crazy. The only thing I could yell at the time was stop.
I wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop. Here I am in my car being shoved into the right side turning lane (which in the end was a blessing) my glasses flew off my head, my milk shake (which I had been craving for all morning…I was about 4 to 6 weeks pregnant at the time) went flying into the windshield. Everything went flying.
This guy was high and I believe the cop said intoxicated…it was 8 am. He hit me and 3 other cars doing 45 mph. Mind you we were all at a stop light. One guy got really lucky and only got side swiped losing a mirror. Another woman and I had to go to the hospital. My car was totaled. The gas tank was ruptured, half of the windows were shattered and my axel was snapped. If that gives you any clue of how bad it was. I still feel pain in my lower back and hips from how I was seated.
Fast forward 2 years and I’ve only been on that road twice. It scares the crap out of me to go back to that intersection. Everytime I drive I am terrified someone isn’t going to stop. That I am going to get hit again and what if it’s worse. Everytime I see a car coming up behind me and it doesn’t look like they’re slowing down I get scared.
I know to some people this sounds completely irrational. But it’s not. This is real to me. This fear is real to me. There are a ton of other examples of what fears my anxiety has. It’s gotten so bad that I say there me and then there’s the anxious me. We’re both the same person but we’re not. The me part wants to do things. Wants to go places see new people. Then the anxious me says nope and lists off a bunch of reasons why I shouldn’t.
There’s a reason my blog isn’t under my real name or why I only share it on certain social media platforms. I have family members who don’t believe me. Who says its all in my head. That I can pray myself different. They don’t undestand and they don’t try to. Its not real to them.
If you have these kinds of people in your life….I’m sorry. I would never cast judgement like that on you. Ever. If you have an experience you’d like to share…please leave me a comment. Its always nice to know you’re not alone. I will reply to every comment. Thank you for listening.