Being a stay at home mom, I typically do all the shopping. Even when I worked 8-5, I still did all the shopping. Sending my husband to the store is awful.
I remember a few years ago, I sent him to the store for some eggs. He came home with drinks, cereal, frozen food and some other things. Pretty much everything except eggs. So when I absolutely have to send my husband to the store, I send him with a paper list of the exact items that I need and then I send him the text of the exact list of what I need. It is kinda a big deal.
Since my husband works 10 hours and we’re still in the school year, I try to get the store thing done in the morning. There are some things that are always on the grocery list. Such as:
Those are just some of the essentials that are pretty much on every list. However, I typically meal plan. Something about knowing exactly what I need for the month helps keep me calm. Therefore, I make sure that I get everything that isn’t to perishable. Things that expire quickly, I typically get the week of.
When you hear the word cheerleader, typically people think about the group of girls who cheer at basketball and football games. Usually, if you have seen enough movies, then you will think they are the snobby type of clicks.
However, as you grow older, you realize your cheerleader is far from those snobby type of stuck up groups. As you grow, you come to realize that its those friends you make that are constantly rooting you on. Constantly hoping you will win rather than fail. Even if you’re winning before them. They are the ones that constantly wanting you to succeed.
I have quite a few cheerleaders, in fact. I am very fortunate and lucky to have such an amazing support system. Not only for the things I am passionate about but for my mental illness as well. My mom has always been the strong point of the family. She was super strong when she left my father and raised us three kids all by herself. She is always supporting me when I try new things. Always telling me that I will ‘get it’ when I feel frustrated or flustered over things. She is always willing and able to help out where ever she can.
My husband. Oh my goodness. My husband is such an amazing cheerleader for me. He lets me experiment with many things. Like when I wanted to start crafting, he was all for it. When I feel bad about spending money on my hobbies, he makes me feel better. When I think that my things are not so great, he tells me what is great about it. He is always cheering me on and supporting me. Which is why supporting him with his dream is so easy.
My kids are so amazing when they cheer me on. I started sewing. something that I have never learned before and am now teaching myself. When I made them dresses, I thought they could be better. I thought they were not of great quality. I thought they should have been better. The girls loved them. The girls called them their princess dress. The girls wore them as long as I would allow them. They loved the dresses and would not stop talking about them. My oldest always says ‘you’re the best mom’. And it warms my heart.
My friends. I have three friends that are my cheerleaders. One is a wrestler like my husband. I actually met him thru my husband but he is constantly rooting me on. Telling me how talented I am and that I need to believe in myself. We talk a lot of crap to each other but that is how we show that we care. Then I have two female friends. They’re moms like me. And we’ve opened our craft business together. They have done certain parts of the crafting a lot more than I have, so I am learning and they are always in my corner. We cheer eachother on as much and as often as we can. It is great.
Life is tough. Having a mental illness doesn’t make it any easier. Having a cheerleader in your corner is very beneficial all the way around. I would like to hear about your cheerleader. Who do you have in your corner?
I have many passions. I know that sounds crazy. But I like to do many things and I am getting into new areas of things like sewing and crafting. I like photography and cooking and other things. There are many things that I need to make sure that I am working on my passion and sometimes my anxiety does not help.
I think one of the biggest skills I need to work on for my passions is patience. I am incredibly impatient. I do not like waiting and I have an awful habit of fidgeting. I need to learn that somethings, like sewing, takes time.
Another thing I need to work on…is my perfectionism. I get frustrated when I cannot do things fast and right. I have this awful need to make sure its perfect. Especially if I am doing something for someone else. I think that I should always provide the best quality of things.
I find that the things that I need to work on are not specifically related to each passion but more related to my anxiety issues. My anxiety makes being passionate about things both great and awful at the same time. It allowed me to be overly attached to the project but it can also be a downfall because it can be completely frustrating at times.
Success is defined as the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. However, success is like the saying about beauty being in the eye of the beholder. Each person has their own definition of success.
As a person who suffers severely from anxiety, my definition of success is not the same as everyone else. I take little things as a success. For instance, if I go a day where my anxiety is not hurting me or taking over my life of causing a massive break down is a success.
I think success is when you’re trying something new that might feel hard and being able to completely do it is a success. Learning a new skill is a success.
I mean I understand everyone wants to be successful in the terms of money and fame right? I mean I did when I was little. I wanted to be rich and famous and never have to worry about a single thing. However, as I have grown, my definition of success has changed drastically. My two year getting potty trained is a success or will be a success. My oldest getting good grades is a success. All of the bills being paid on time with a little extra in the account is a success. Dropping a few pounds is a success. Getting enough sleep is a success. There are so many little things that I define as a success.
What is your success? Are they little? Are they big? Either way, your success is a Triumph.
One thing that I hate from my anxiety is that I am constantly worrying and afraid about death. Not just my own death but others around me like my mom. I am completely afraid of losing my mom. I know she’s in her 60’s and it just terrifies me and I am completely afraid of how will I go on when that time comes. But I also worry about my death. Especially since the doctors thought that I might have had cancer when I was pregnant with my youngest. I kept telling them that I had a sinus infection and I was consuming dairy even though I have a small allergy to said dairy products. But they didn’t think that was the cause of my white blood cell count being high and for two months they had me scared that I had had cancer and that thought made me afraid of dying. of leaving my kids alone with their dad who would not be completely capable of raising two girls on his own because he doesn’t know everything about girls being an only child himself it would be hard for him. And I think that fear of dying has caused me to keep two journals for my girls kind of retelling their life from now. And how I feel about them and how I love watching the grow and everything. So that if anything ever did happen to me….they would have the memories in these books.
So, what would I want everyone to remember about me? That I did everything I could for my friends and family. That I was there for everyone that I could have. That I gave everything my all. That I was willing to step out of my comfort zone for the ones I loved. That I tried.
Honestly, that is all I want people to remember is that I tried. I gave myself to everything that I could. That I tried my hardest at everything I set my heart on. That I wasn’t a quitter. That I never let the anxiety control my entire life. That I constantly tried to make sure that I could attempt anything even with my anxiety being the evil little devil it always has been.
When you have anxiety, you sometimes forget about the things that you love about yourself. Instead, your anxiety is like this little devil that resides inside your head that tells you all of the things that is wrong with you. So sometimes you need to remind yourself about things you love about yourself. So in a self care journal…. remember to write at least one entry about what you love about yourself.
So here is mine…..
1.) I love how dedicated I can be to my family and friends. I have always been this kind of over the top motherly person. I will go to the ends of the earth for those I care about. It is an amazing quality to have. However, that little devil inside my head is constantly questioning how it appears to others. Am I too overbearing? Am I coming off too strong? Am I coming off too bad? However, I need to constantly remind myself that being a dedicated, loving person is a great quality.
2.) Perfectionism. I have a tendency to get stuck on a project until I get it right. Til I get it perfect. I have an OCD type of mannerism with almost everything I do. I will sit there and work at it til I get it done right. Again, the little devil in my head says that I just can’t ever get anything right. That all I am ever going to do is mess things up and waste money, etc. So sometimes, I just need to remind myself that paying attention to the little details and working to make things perfect is a good quality. It means that I take pride in my work.
3. ) Food. I love that I can cook. I grew up living on tv dinners, ramen and potatoes. We rarely had a home cooked meal. So the fact that I can read a recipe and later recreate it without going back to the recipe is a great thing for myself and my family. I love that my kids don’t have to rely on junk food. That I can cook food that is not only great tasting but that I can sneak veggies into it without my kids knowing or tasting. I love that I can win people over just by sending them food. I didn’t really know the people in my husband’s training class. However, most of them adore me from my cooking. The only thing the little devil tells me is that maybe something is seasoned properly or maybe someone won’t like this or that. But that is few and far between because I know my food is good because my husband eats multiple helpings of it every night.
4.) Planning. Mostly meal planning. I can sit down every month and plan out an entire month of dinners. I can plan it out and then make a grocery list and then go shopping and end up with a month worth of dinners with under $400 spent for the month. I love that I can sit down and write it up. I love that I can plan a menu and I love that I have all the bills planned out and know how much is coming out of the check every week. I love that I can plan out pretty much everything. I have a calendar on the wall right off the garage where I have all the dinners listed so everyone know’s what we’re going to eat every night. I have listed the days that my daughter is going to be taking lunch for the month. I literately plan out every little detail. There is not anything the little devil says in regards to planning. It is once I start planning and seeing how much is being paid out or what needs to be paid is when the anxiety starts to set in.
5.) Being early. I have this thing where being on time or late gives me this awful anxiety. I freak out if I am late or if I am close to being late. This is anywhere. I don’t like my kids being late for school, or events or even just if we have something planned with family. I just cannot be late. Ever. It is hard to do when my husband is incredibly slow. He is late to almost everything. He takes forever to get motivated or moving. And it drives me insane. The little devil tells me that people think I am weird or awful for always showing up early. I will literately show up early anywhere and just sit in the car til it is almost time to go in. Like at school for my oldest, I get there at 1 even tho she doesn’t get out til 2:30. I sit there for an hour and a half because I like to be first. I don’t want my kid to sit and wait for me or feel like I am not coming. I actually get a lot done in the hour an a half like school work, meal planning, budget planning, etc.
So there is my list of five things that I love about myself. I would love to hear yours.
Having anxiety, or at least for me, it makes me think ahead and overthink every single thing. For instance… I typically meal plan for a month at a time. I will know what I am going to cook tomorrow and next thursday because I plan out dinners and make out a list and buy everything that is needed for those dinners at one time. I know… It is a little crazy.
So with that being said….. I like to list out my goals, my bills…upcoming events… pretty much everything. I have liss for pretty much everything. I know how much my bills are this month….next month.. how much money is going towards bills out of the next paycheck.
So what are my goals….long term…short term.
Short term goals is always to make sure all of the bills get paid. I grew up with a single mom…sometimes she didn’t have the money to pay every single bill every single month so sometimes we didn’t have water or we didn’t have lights or we went without food. It is not something that I want my kids to ever experience. It was a rough time.
My long term goals…those are a little more complex and they don’t just include me. I want my crafting business to get up and running to the point that it is making me a stable income. I also want to get my sewing better. To the point that I can make wrestling gear into a viable income. I also want to get my photography skills in tip top shape to the point that I am hired to shoot wrestling events as well as promotional shots. I want to get my husbands wrestling career up and running. I want to do whatever I can and whatever it takes to ensure that he can focus on wrestling. If I could turn all of my hobbies and talents to income then maybe he wouldn’t have to work 60 hours a week and could in turn start training more than 2 days a week. I want to help my mom lose weight and get her arthritis and degenerating joints and disks under control so that she can be more active and her movement will be less painful.
I know things don’t happen over night….although I wish they were. I do however believe that if I work so very hard at it….I can make them a reality.
As someone who suffers from severe anxiety disorder to the point that meeting my husband’s training group had me hiding in the bathroom battling tears…. How can I be a calmer person?
I feel that being a calmer person will help me greatly with my anxiety issues. But how can I be calmer?
I have read countless articles and posts and blogs on how to beat anxiety. Countless of tips and tricks on how to pull you out of an anxiety attack. And I am here to say, they may work for some people. However, they don’t always work for me. My band instructor tried to teach me a breathing technique….it doesn’t always help. When I got into a car accident and I was hyperventilating…the EMT told me I was having a panic attack (duh) And that I needed to calm my breathing down. It didn’t matter that I knew my body and knew that if I tried to breathe like they wanted me too my heart rate and BP would go up as well as I would get light headed. But because they were the EMT and thought they knew my body and my disease better than me…
I did what they said.
And just how I predicted…. My heart rate went from 92 to 120 and my BP started rising fast. Finally, they told me I could go back to doing what I was doing. I think it is a coping mechanism until my brain can wrap around what had happened. So that I can process things. It is crazy, I know.
Unfortunately….. my anxiety is something I deal with on a daily basis…little things trigger my brain into an instant race car speed crash heading for a big boom that takes so much energy out of me that all I want to do is sleep, in all honestly, I have crashed from anxiety before for 13 hours of straight sleep because my body was just so exhausted from the constant thinking of crud. For instance, a friend said something and I knew he didn’t mean it the way that I took it…but my brain is a funny thing and took it completely the wrong way to the point that I took a steam shower and cried…. it was awful.
So how can I be a calmer person? That is a question that is constantly on my mind. I think that reminding myself that it might not be as bad as I thought could help. I think maybe taking a few seconds to pour the positives on all the situations will help me. For instance, with the friend example I just posted…I could have told myself -he appreciated your help – he said thank you -he said I didn’t need to but he was happy to have me offering….. For my car wreck…..even though my car was totaled and I was in pain…-I walked out of it.. -I was alive…-nothing was broken….-my unborn child (i was newly pregnant during the wreck) was fine. -I was going to be able to replace the car. -both of my brothers stopped everything they were doing and focused on me that day. -they put aside their hate for eachother to check on me. -cars can be replaced.
So to be a calmer person…. I think I need to remind myself of all of the positives that are in a situation. … Your bank account is only showing 3 dollars and you got 4 days til payday…at least your bills are paid. you lost the job that you’ve worked for years…..gives you the motivation to find something else you’re passionate about. Another door opens.
There is so much positive in this world that we sometimes allow the dark clouds to hinder the rainbow. Because as the wonderful Brandon Lee said in the movie The Crow…..”It can’t rain all the time.”
So today… I thought that I would journal about what is most important to me. To sum it up in one word….it would be FAMILY.
I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and an aunt. I treat my nephews and nieces like they are my own. Especially my nephews since I see them 5 days a week. I treat my nephews like they were my own kids. I would go to bat for them just as hard as I would my own girls. I love my girls more than life itself.
Family is completely important to me. I would do anything for them. One of the biggest stress issues that target my anxiety is my family. Wanting to provide and do for them more than I ever had when I was growing up. I was raised by a single mom of 3. Things were hard, things were tough. Things did not always come easy. Sometimes we went without things and I never want my kids to feel that. When my sister got laid off because of an accident, without thinking I went and bought a Food Lion gift card so that I would be sure that the boys had food, even though my brother was working and made really good money. I knew that they were losing an income and wanted to be of help.
My mom has always been a warrior. She fought tooth and nail for her three kids to get us all away from my abusive father. She did it all on her own and my oldest brother was not always the easiest to handle. She has always meant so much to me. Now that I am an adult and can help her and take care of her…. I want to do as much for her as I can. She is very important to me.
Lastly, my husband. He is crazily my favorite person to spend this life with. He is my rock. He is the solid foundation of this family. He knows all of my secrets and has never let that change his opinion of me. He loves me for me. He is so strong, smart, handsome and passionate. He strives for this family and his dreams with a passion I would never be able to fully explain. He hods me down. He helps my anxiety by just being him. I love him deeply. Which is why I am even more willing to do whatever it takes to help him achieve his dreams.
I started this blog to write about things that give me anxiety. So that not only could I work through them myself but maybe I could help someone else work through their issues as well. To help break the stigma surrounding mental health. So that others can maybe feel like they’re not alone.
I thought maybe the best way to deal with my blog was to treat it like a journal. What better way to jump start the journal idea by writing about who am I? Anyone can write about this. What you do is start by writing the obvious reasons as to who you are and then dig deeper. Write about what others don’t know about you.
Who am I? I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and an aunt. I am completely neurotic. I am passionate. I am willing to go the extra mile for those I care about. I am a good cook. I am a student. I am a warrior. I fight my anxiety issues on a daily basis. I am a blogger. I am a crafter. I am a photographer. I am my husband’s number one fan. I am fighting to ensure that his dream comes true. I am a music lover. I love passionately. I feel deeply. I hurt easily. I had a rough childhood. I am trying to ensure that my daughters never know the pain I have been through. I have a crappy immune system. I have always had a crappy immune system. I am trying to be the best me I can every single day.